12 year old daughter dating a 16 year old boy...HELP!

[Foxycleopatra]

*Looking for advice*

my daughter Jordan is 12 (13 in April) and is in year 7 at high school. Over the weekend she got a boyfriend who is 16! They go to the same school and have known each other for years. He has been to the house a few times and seems like an OK kid. I have told Jordan she will not be going to his house or going out on "dates" with him and when he is here they have to be in eyesight!

My question is what do I do? I know what 16 year old boys want but I worry if I try to banish him she will rebel and go behind my back. I am soo not ready to be dealing with this yet!!

 

[lindseymw]

Do you feel comfortable about having a frank conversation with your daughter? Explain your worries etc.

For a bit of reassurance, not all 16 year old boys are after one thing. I was dating an 18 year old when I was 14. He was very happy to wait until I was ready, it was mentioned once at the beginning of the relationship (him stating that he didn't want to do anything until I wanted to). I never felt pressure from him.

From my parents' POV, we were allowed to spend time in my bedroom but they shouted up every now and again, checked on us when they went to the loo. I was allowed to go to his house at the weekend/after school but not over night.

 

[Andypanda6570]

While I don't think 4 years is an extreme age gap, she is 12 so I would not feel comfortable with this.I raised 3 boys 23, 21 and now 14 but this situation has never came up.. I definitely agree that if you tell her she can't see him things will go wrong. She will definitely (Well most likely, I don't know your daughter) sneak around. Usually if you just let it play out it will be over before it really has started. I think your doing the right thing.You set the ground rules and as long as she follows them, then it should just go smoothly.. And I AGREE keep them BOTH within eyesight.. Good Luck XoooXO

 

[jd83]

I think you are doing all you can do, tbh. I wouldn't be comfortable at all in that situation, but frankly, kids don't actually care if their parents like them dating or not. I know if my mom had forbidden me to date, I would have just done it behind her back. And my sister DID date behind her back, as she started dating around age 12. I think if you set clear ground rules, with them staying in plain view, no actual dates yet at her age, etc. hopefully things will stay in control. She's still getting to "date" her boyfriend, but you are still able to maintain some sense of control over the situation with having them where you can oversee what they are doing.

 

[seoj]

Since you are Ok enough with the situation and allowing them to spend time together- I would have a VERY open and honest conversation with her. Set clear rules and make sure she respects them- and knows the consequences if not. At the end of the day- I think having (earning) that trust- and knowing it's something you earn and keep earning-- is important. She needs to know you'll love her no matter what- but that you care about her well being and will put that above all else. Whether she is happy about it or not.

We've always set very clear rules with our oldest when it comes to dating. But, she wouldn't go behind our back if she didn't agree (she'd tell us to our face though- often!)... She is not the "average" teenager! haha. But, I wasn't either tbh, My parents respect and trust was always important to me. I'm not saying I never lied! Hello- I'm human (it was rare though and nothing major). But I think knowing I had my Mom's support and love- no matter what- but that she was always very honest and open with me- just made it easier for me to want to do right by her (and myself). I have a similar relationship with my oldest- and sometimes she tells me TOO much! HA! But I'd rather that tbh. She cares about our opinions and she's a really great kid. She's made mistakes- but comes to us and we work through them together. So if you have the level of trust with one another... I think it helps. Hope that made any sense.

Best of luck!

 

[lhancock90]

I honestly think you are handling this as best you can really, you are right, if you come down hard she'll do it in secret, its best to open with her about things, talk to her frankly but explain if you feel there are any problems, if either of them cross any lines then you will make the relationship end.

 

[suzib76]

Oh god I really wouldn't deal with this anywhere near as calmly as everyone else seems to be about it. I would completely freak if my dd was dating a 16 year old at 12. Yes 4 years is nothing, my husband is 20 years older than me, but we are adults. A 12 year old is a child and I would seriously be questioning what a 16 year old lad could possibly find attractive or interesting about a child?

Someone has said all 16yo are not after one thing, I take that point but even if you completely remove sex from the equation it doesn't change a thing for me.

 

[RachA]

I too would find this really hard to deal with. My children are younger but I have a 12 year old niece that I am close too. She is still such a child and I can't honestly see why a 16 year old lad would want to spend huge amounts of time with her.

However the way you are dealing with it seems good. I think keeping the lines of communication open is really important and the way I kind of see it at this age they are just spending time together rather than actually dating and that means spending time together in the room with you.

 

[housewifey]

You're right- if you ban her from seeing him she'll do it anyway and you'll lose her trust at that point. I honestly wouldn't feel comfortable but it's just being protective isn't it.

I'd be inviting him round for family dinners and days out together so you can get to know him as well as she can but make sure he doesn't take priority over her school, family or even friends (I say friends because I knew girls at school who got so engrossed in a boyfriend that they lost all their close friends and by the time they are done with the boyfriend, their friends can't be bothered any more- and that can be difficult for a teen girl)

Anyway- are you comfortable having THE chat with her? Making sure she knows the consequences of unprotected sex (emotional and physical) making sure that if she feels pressured by him or anyone then she can trust you and can tell you anything etc

 

[northern_me]

I will just add, coming from the perspective of someone who works with pregnant teenagers, that if you decide to let her keep him around, please get her on some form of birth control. I know that isn't a conversation you want to have with your 12 year old but I've also dealt with more than one 12-14 year old pregnancy that could have been prevented had their parents not been in denial over the situation (Not saying that you are, you seem very open to what is best for her).

 

[emyandpotato]

Yeah don't forbid it or she'll just feel she can't talk to you about things. Try and treat her as an adult (I know she isn't, but she'll feel she is) and communicate with her/negotiate how often she can see him/where they can go, so that you both agree and are on the same page. Try and keep your relationship with her open so she can come to you if she needs to. Maybe spend one on one time with her once a week or so.

 

[emyandpotato]

I will just add, coming from the perspective of someone who works with pregnant teenagers, that if you decide to let her keep him around, please get her on some form of birth control. I know that isn't a conversation you want to have with your 12 year old but I've also dealt with more than one 12-14 year old pregnancy that could have been prevented had their parents not been in denial over the situation (Not saying that you are, you seem very open to what is best for her).

I disagree. I was under a lot of pressure myself at that age and if my mum had put me on the pill I think I would have just given up and thought I may as well. Definitely be open with her about everything like that but don't just put her on birth control without reason.

 

[jd83]

Oh god I really wouldn't deal with this anywhere near as calmly as everyone else seems to be about it. I would completely freak if my dd was dating a 16 year old at 12. Yes 4 years is nothing, my husband is 20 years older than me, but we are adults. A 12 year old is a child and I would seriously be questioning what a 16 year old lad could possibly find attractive or interesting about a child?

Someone has said all 16yo are not after one thing, I take that point but even if you completely remove sex from the equation it doesn't change a thing for me.

I don't think any of us would be "calm" about it, but I do think outwardly freaking out about it would only make the situation worse. I think I'd be freaking internally over it, for sure. But I'd try to handle it well, because not handling it the right way would backfire for sure. My mom tried to prevent my sister dating at that age, so she did it behind her back. My mom freaked about talking about it, so my sister didn't feel comfortable talking to her about any of it, and guess what? She got pregnant as a teen, as she wasn't on birth control because my mom had freaked too much, tried to be in denial about it, forbidding early dating, etc. I think having been through that has made me see that a better approach is to keep a better handle on the situation by keeping them in plain view. If you allow them to see each other, but under your rules, such as staying out in the open, both are getting somewhat what they want. They are still getting to "date", and you are still getting to oversee the situation if they stay where you can observe. No closed doors, etc. I wouldn't want a full on rebellion occurring due to completely forbidding it, and it spiraling out of control. OBviously this is something that differs child to child, and some kids would obey whereas others would not. Honestly, its hard to even think about. Hurts my head thinking about having to deal with this down the road.

 

[suzib76]

Oh god I really wouldn't deal with this anywhere near as calmly as everyone else seems to be about it. I would completely freak if my dd was dating a 16 year old at 12. Yes 4 years is nothing, my husband is 20 years older than me, but we are adults. A 12 year old is a child and I would seriously be questioning what a 16 year old lad could possibly find attractive or interesting about a child?

Someone has said all 16yo are not after one thing, I take that point but even if you completely remove sex from the equation it doesn't change a thing for me.

I don't think any of us would be "calm" about it, but I do think outwardly freaking out about it would only make the situation worse. I think I'd be freaking internally over it, for sure. But I'd try to handle it well, because not handling it the right way would backfire for sure. My mom tried to prevent my sister dating at that age, so she did it behind her back. My mom freaked about talking about it, so my sister didn't feel comfortable talking to her about any of it, and guess what? She got pregnant as a teen, as she wasn't on birth control because my mom had freaked too much, tried to be in denial about it, forbidding early dating, etc. I think having been through that has made me see that a better approach is to keep a better handle on the situation by keeping them in plain view. If you allow them to see each other, but under your rules, such as staying out in the open, both are getting somewhat what they want. They are still getting to "date", and you are still getting to oversee the situation if they stay where you can observe. No closed doors, etc. I wouldn't want a full on rebellion occurring due to completely forbidding it, and it spiraling out of control. OBviously this is something that differs child to child, and some kids would obey whereas others would not. Honestly, its hard to even think about. Hurts my head thinking about having to deal with this down the road.

I didn't really mean calm in that sense. Most replies before mine were of the opinion that it's ok as long as it's in view or the 12 year old has had a sex talk. For me this isn't about that. I talk to my eldest about things but not because there is a boy on the scene specifically, but just because it's part of life. I of course worry about teen pregnancy etc and I totally agree with not stopping your child normally dating, but a TWELVE year old child, with a 16 year old boy? No way. It just would not be something I would accept or even attempt to accommodate.

 

[Wriggley]

I will just add, coming from the perspective of someone who works with pregnant teenagers, that if you decide to let her keep him around, please get her on some form of birth control. I know that isn't a conversation you want to have with your 12 year old but I've also dealt with more than one 12-14 year old pregnancy that could have been prevented had their parents not been in denial over the situation (Not saying that you are, you seem very open to what is best for her).

I disagree. I was under a lot of pressure myself at that age and if my mum had put me on the pill I think I would have just given up and thought I may as well. Definitely be open with her about everything like that but don't just put her on birth control without reason.

i agree with emy - this is basically giving her permission to take things further which at 12 is not okay.

I think your handling it as best as anyone could.

 

[jd83]

Oh god I really wouldn't deal with this anywhere near as calmly as everyone else seems to be about it. I would completely freak if my dd was dating a 16 year old at 12. Yes 4 years is nothing, my husband is 20 years older than me, but we are adults. A 12 year old is a child and I would seriously be questioning what a 16 year old lad could possibly find attractive or interesting about a child?

Someone has said all 16yo are not after one thing, I take that point but even if you completely remove sex from the equation it doesn't change a thing for me.

I don't think any of us would be "calm" about it, but I do think outwardly freaking out about it would only make the situation worse. I think I'd be freaking internally over it, for sure. But I'd try to handle it well, because not handling it the right way would backfire for sure. My mom tried to prevent my sister dating at that age, so she did it behind her back. My mom freaked about talking about it, so my sister didn't feel comfortable talking to her about any of it, and guess what? She got pregnant as a teen, as she wasn't on birth control because my mom had freaked too much, tried to be in denial about it, forbidding early dating, etc. I think having been through that has made me see that a better approach is to keep a better handle on the situation by keeping them in plain view. If you allow them to see each other, but under your rules, such as staying out in the open, both are getting somewhat what they want. They are still getting to "date", and you are still getting to oversee the situation if they stay where you can observe. No closed doors, etc. I wouldn't want a full on rebellion occurring due to completely forbidding it, and it spiraling out of control. OBviously this is something that differs child to child, and some kids would obey whereas others would not. Honestly, its hard to even think about. Hurts my head thinking about having to deal with this down the road.

I didn't really mean calm in that sense. Most replies before mine were of the opinion that it's ok as long as it's in view or the 12 year old has had a sex talk. For me this isn't about that. I talk to my eldest about things but not because there is a boy on the scene specifically, but just because it's part of life. I of course worry about teen pregnancy etc and I totally agree with not stopping your child normally dating, but a TWELVE year old child, with a 16 year old boy? No way. It just would not be something I would accept or even attempt to accommodate.

I would absolutely agree with this on a mental level. I can't fathom being okay with it. One is a child, one is a teen with hormones. On the other hand, I also can't fathom forbidding it and seeing it end up how it did with my sister. I was very close with her growing up, and she was definitely doing about everything possible to rebel from around that age onward. Culminating in getting pregnant at age 16. I don't know, its such a hard scenario to even come to terms with. I do agree with my how mom forbid it, as obviously my sister WAS to young for what she was doing. But, in forbidding it, she also caused a lot of behind her back trouble and rebelling that could have perhaps been handled better by another tactic. Honestly, I don't know what the right answer is. Maybe somewhere in the middle? I just know I don't want my kids going down that same path by me treating it the same way. I hope I can avoid that by being much more open with them, discussing potential consequences of those actions, etc.

 

[hopeandpray]

When I was 12 I don't know how I would have gone behind my mother's back to do something like that. Surely a 12 year old is being supervised most of the time?

Personally as much as I don't like forbidding things, I don't see how a relationship between a 12 year old and a 16 year old could be healthy. She's still a child and he's practically a grown man. Do his parents know what's going on? I'd be horrified if my teenager was in a relationship with a 12 year old.

I think that supporting or encouraging a relationship like this is doing your child a disservice. A 12 year old shouldn't have to deal with the stresses of a grown up relationship, especially a sexual one which it is likely to become considering the boy's age.

I would sit down with her and explain why you would prefer if she wasn't in a serious relationship at this age. Ask her whether she would consider going out with someone that much younger than her (they'd be 8 ) and to try and consider why the age gap is a bad idea.

As for contraception, I would have that talk in her in a general way and tell her that at whatever age she's ready that I will let her go on it and not punish her for it. Someone that young is unlikely to get themself, and use contraception properly.

 

[Andypanda6570]

Me at 12? Lets just say a disaster.. I was hanging out till all hours and doing basically whatever I wanted.. My father worked all the time, he did the best he could, but i did what I wanted.. Thank God I never got into drugs (Just pot occasionally, yes at 12) drinking, cutting school and so on. Thank God someone was watching over me and I turned out pretty good. Married at 19 and I had to grow up real quick. So yes 12 yr. olds if pushed will do what they want and will rebel. She is supervising them and giving a little lead way so her daughter doesn't take a bad step, her daughter will probably realize this isn't for her. They aren't alone they aren't going out . Yes, I would feel uncomfortable but as parents we try to make the best choices we can concerning our kids. For me this wouldn't be an option, my husband would probably threaten him and you would never see him again, end of story, but thats my family.. I think she is doing the best she can.. XO

 

[Eleanor ace]

Oh my gosh I am near hyperventilating at the idea of my DD dating a 16 year old, skipping school, drinking/doing drugs at 12- thanks a lot ladies . Seriously I don't know what I'd do in your situation OP. My instinct is no way would DD be allowed to date a 16 year old, but I'm basing that on how I was at 12- I was very much a child still. I think I would talk to the boys parents at least, as at 12 I would still want to know who my child was with, I'd do the same with any of their friends. His parents may not be aware that he is dating a 12 year old and I know if I was in their position I would want to know because I would feel responsible for my DS's actions being with a child of 12, like I'd want to have a talk with my son about looking out for her and guiding her to make good decisions while she's with him,not letting her get pushed into doing things which aren't appropriate for her age (like drinking). Perhaps having is parents spell it out to him might make him realise that there are considerations he needs to think about with the age gap.
Other than that I think would be insisting that they hang out at your house so you can be around, or go to places where you can supervise a bit or be confident that nothing untoward goes down .

 

[SerenityNow]

There is a huge difference between 16 and 12. They are in different phases of life. Twelve is very, very young. I don't want to make a blanket statement, but I think that in all likelihood a 16 year old who is dating a 12 year old does not see her as an equal and a peer. This is not an appropriate relationship for your DD and it could be dangerous for her.

I would speak to the boys parents immediately! If that isn't possible, I would deal directly with the boy. Tell him plainly that your DD is still a child and is far too young to be in a romantic relationship with a young man. As for your DD, I think you should subtly increase supervision and fill her time so she isn't available to be with him. Don't be punitive because she isn't being "bad", but you need to protect her.

Your DD is probably very flattered and excited by his interest. Frankly, the fact that she doesn't recognize that it is not appropriate for a 12 year old and a 16 year old to be dating indicates her lack of maturity and perspective.

Hopefully she is just nominally "going out" with him and it passes quickly.