13 yo step son likes lying

[thehippie777]

I have known my step son since he was 4. Like any child in two blended families, he has issues.

Lately my biggest issue is with him and lying. I have spoken to him multiple times about how lying is bad. He has told me multiple times that he doesn't think so. Most recently he said it keeps him out of trouble and saves his butt. I told him at some point it will burn his butt, but he says, "Not most of the time."

His mom and my DH just don't think it's an issue. I am told I am being to hard on him and to leave him alone. It bothers me. A child that is convinced that lies are okay anytime you feel like it is not good.

I in all honesty I do my best not to lie to him, ever. I don't even do white lies, trying to be a good example. I am straight forward to him. I do leave out information about his mom that I don't think anyone would ever want to know. It's up to her if she wants to fess up to her reality, not up to me.

Anyway, I don't trust a damn thing that comes out of the kids mouth anymore. He has pretty much told me he lies and will continue to lie. I've warned him that it will lead to distrust and loss of privileges. I also told him one day someone will lie big time to him and he will think differently about lying. He doesn't believe me. His mom and her mom let him get away with everything and just make excuses for his bad behavior. His mom calls my DH every month or so asking for help with him with SS, because he gets out of control. Consistency is her issue, and the theme for every phone call. SS will throw absolute fits to get his way, and 90% of the time at some point, he gets his way. His on and off again step father does that same thing, and now DH is noticing it's rubbing off.

I am worried about him. If he continues down this path with no real consequences, his adulthood could be bad.

I am hoping it's just a phase. I pray it is!!

 

[noon_child]

If he is lying to "save his butt" then maybe it's the punishment/consequences that need looking at not the lies. Not saying that they aren't fair but perhaps the way he's sees it is that they are disproportionate and that the only way he gets freedom from blame is to lie. I think it is really important that kids get an idea of fairness and that they agree with the reason for a certain consequence. It is hard to put in place age 13 cos that age group are really lacking in empathy.

Can you give us an idea of the type of lies and what was his punishment. Does he get punished for the original "crime" or the lying?

 

[thehippie777]

If he is lying to "save his butt" then maybe it's the punishment/consequences that need looking at not the lies. Not saying that they aren't fair but perhaps the way he's sees it is that they are disproportionate and that the only way he gets freedom from blame is to lie. I think it is really important that kids get an idea of fairness and that they agree with the reason for a certain consequence. It is hard to put in place age 13 cos that age group are really lacking in empathy.

Can you give us an idea of the type of lies and what was his punishment. Does he get punished for the original "crime" or the lying?

It's the strangest thing to me. He is a very strong-willed child. No amount of explaining whys does any good. If he doesn't get his way, we are wrong no matter what the reasoning because it's not what he wants.

As for the lying, no he doesn't get horrible punishment. He gets his electronics etc taken away, oh no! He hates all his punishment and considers it all wrong just because he doesn't think he deserves it like we do. He has said so. He often has said it doesn't make any sense.

For example, he knows what his chores are and we would even remind him to do them. Then, he wouldn't and get punished. Last year his reasoning why, "Well, I don't get it. It's not a big deal (that he didn't do them)."

He has had the most freedom living with his dad and I. Our only requirement is to know where he is going and if he leaves that place to know where he's off to next. Then, get your duties assigned done including school which is hates with a firey passion. Get those done and without constant reminders, get money. He made only $40 last year because he didn't do his chores etc. It was unfair, of course, to him. We should just dish up whenever. That wasn't the agreement.

I was hoping when he was caught trespassing with some much younger kids that that shock would set him straight. It apparently did not. I wasn't there when he came home, but I guess he was in complete tears being followed home on his bike by a police car. We've tried to explain to him about private property, but of course it wasn't a big deal and we are over-protective. He's lucky because we live in a place where people have a mind-set to shoot first and ask questions later.

Over summer his mom had some struggles, but she often does. He has a bathroom maybe 15 feet away from his bedroom, and instead chose to pee and collect many bottles of pee in his room to which his mom unhappily discovered. He also told her "F___ you, Mom, when he got mad at her being...well mom do doubt.

To me he seems depressed. DH disagrees and says that isn't the problem. He shows signs of depression, and a lot of young people go through it. His attitude of not caring, his outbursts, etc

He also decided he no longer wanted to live with us, partly because we limit his sugar intake and his dad and I are gluten free at our home. He pretty much told us when visiting a couple weeks ago when he asked us if he had to be gluten free, too. We said at home we are completely gluten free, he can do whatever he wants outside of home. He didn't like that answer. I don't really know what the problem is because we eat pizza, we make grilled cheese, we eat pasta....etc It's not what he wants, though.

When he visited, we made food for him or offered to make food for him. He spent his own money outside of the home buying junk. He honestly had a bunch of candy bars and sodas for an entire week. His attitude sucks on sugar, so we started limiting him because he was a much better child without a diet of candy and soda. He got to the point of hoarding it at his mom's house where he has free reign to candy at all times. She discovered that in his room as well. He would hide things in his room at our house until they spoiled. He had food banned from his room, but he would still hide it. When he got candy or soda it was to stay in the kitchen. He has access to it by going into the kitchen but it had to stay out of his room. He would still hide it in his room.

He has issues.

 

[noon_child]

Some of the things you describe sound normal teenager stuff (hiding candy when told he couldn't have it, complaining about gluten free food etc.) however I think the hoarding of pee is a bit of a red flag for mental health problems. Good luck trying to get him some help. It's clear you are a caring parent and as he grows older he may realise the safe consistent place you offer is a godsend to him.

 

[thehippie777]

Some of the things you describe sound normal teenager stuff (hiding candy when told he couldn't have it, complaining about gluten free food etc.) however I think the hoarding of pee is a bit of a red flag for mental health problems. Good luck trying to get him some help. It's clear you are a caring parent and as he grows older he may realise the safe consistent place you offer is a godsend to him.

I pray you're right. I keep holding onto being consistent and showing love while showing guidance.