19+6 days pregnant, single, and the dad is a jerk.

[Nicolalove353]

So I had broken up with my babies dad before I found out I was prego. When I found out we got back together to try and make it work but that lasted only 2 months. He is a complete jerk and yes, I'm being nice with the words I am calling him. He is now trying to black mail me saying that if I don't want to be with him he is not helping out with anything during my pregnancy and he will see the baby when he is born. I think this is so wrong and I am so mad that I have to do this alone. He has already missed the private us I did and I am not holding my breath that he will be there for my 20 week scan next Friday. I don't know why I feel so strong about him being at the milestone Dr. appointments. It gets me so upset that he doesn't care to be there. It is his son, wouldn't he want to see him?! I feel so stupid having to do everything by myself. I want to take birthing classes but I sincerely doubt he will go with. I don't want to be the only person there with out the babies dad. Also my family lives far away and I don't really have someone I would feel comfortable with taking the classes with. He shouldn't be able to knock me up and put everything on my shoulders. I already have to carry and deliver the baby. He should be there as support whether we are together or not. He hasn't given me a dime to help out with the bills. I found out the baby will cost me $3000 and that is if everything goes smoothly and I can have a vaginal delivery. He thinks the only bill we have is the Dr. bill which is only $1000. So he is now telling me he will pay the $500 on delivery. I just get so upset and cry all the time. I want to do what's right and let him be around his son but he makes it so difficult. I am now thinking if he doesn't help with the bills then I'm not going to let him be in the delivery room. Would that be horrible of me? I really want to do what's right and no matter how hard it is, I think my son should be able to have a relationship with his dad even if the dad is a dead beat. It's not fair to my son to keep him from his dad. I just don't know what to do. I'm sorry this is so long...

 

[Dezireey]

If he is proven to be unreliable sweetie, then you need to start making other plans that aren't focused on his involvement in this. It's not so bad doing it alone, trust me, LOADS of women go it alone. At the end of the day (no offence to nice fathers) having babies and the bonding and experience of being pregnant and a baby's first year or two is a baby and mummy thing anyway.

Years ago, Dad's weren't even invloved anyway till kids could walk and talk, so it's just the society we live in today that makes you believe that the Dad must be there in order to enjoy your pregnancy and birth, it's not true. Have you considered a 'doula'? If you have no family or friends that can support you during your pregnancy and birth, this is a woman who steps in and helps you out during your pregnancy and is at the birth with you. Have a look at what it entails to have a doula, it might be good for you. they also understand about absent fathers etc and they can step in and out of situations if needed (e.g if he suddenly decides that he wants to be at the birth and actually shows up, she will take a back seat and offer background support). My parents supported me throughout my pregnancy and my mum was my birth partner. Can't say I would have wanted my useless FOB at the birth anyway.

Some men can behave like stupid jerks in the beginning as they are freaked out by it all and feel like a headless chicken. In your case, don't rely on him to come around as you may be waiting forever, or you may not. He sounds as if he is stressing you out and you don't need that right now. Stop thinking about the hassle he is causing you and money problems and start planning things without him in the picture, that way = less stress and time away from him and also, if he mans up, you won't be so upset because you are not relying on him. Just don't put all your eggs in one basket as they say (excuse the pun)


Get yourself all organised with the mindset that he won't be around and you will be fine, focus on the happiness of being a mummy and you will be okay.

 

[Nicolalove353]

Thank you. It is just so hard to deal with everything. I want so bad to be a family, I feel so bad for my son. But, the dad is not the right person for me and I refuse to let him treat me the way he does and I especially refuse to let my son see him treat me that way.

 

[Dezireey]

I felt like this for a long time. I wanted my son to have his father, to have a family like I did. But sometimes, this does not happen and that is just the way it is.

There are women out there hun, that have been married and had 2+ kids and done it all the 'expected' way but their husband still leaves and buggers off and in some cases, never sees his kids again or the mother just has to leave the father because he is just unbearable. You just can't make these guarantees in life and you can't control how other people behave, sadly. You will learn to accept it, so don't be too hard on yourself okay. Just go with the flow and enjoy this precious time as it is special.Whatever is meant to be is meant to be. Be good to yourself and don't stress yourself out as it is not good for you or your LO.

 

[Dream.dream]

Try not to stress , your better off without a dead beat. Your right that you shouldn't keep your child from his dad but don't rely on him at all. Make plans for everything without him .

As for birth classes and such . They do offer them for single moms if you look . if not look into a doula you'll need the labour support and maybe the doula can go with you

Keep your chin up and big hugs

 

[TinkCee]

Sorry, sounds like once the black mailing started he proved himself to be wrong.

Who ever you want in the room with you is all up to you. Just because he paid for some of the delivery doesnt mean he has to be there.

 

[Nicolalove353]

Well supposedly he is going to the 20 week scan this afriday but I am not holding my breath. It has been really hard lately. I registered for my baby shower this weekend and it was so upsetting to see other moms with the dad right there with them. It is hard dealing with the fact that I have to do this on my own. I know I will get past this but it has just been hard to deal with. He is being such a jerk that he makes it a bit easier. Thank you so much for responding. I feel like I'm alone and it is nice to see there are others that understand my situation.

 

[Dream.dream]

Big hugs. If you see my post a few down . My son hasn't seen his dad in 2 month and he's happy. Kids don't need a mom and a dad they just need a secure attatchment to someone in their life .

 

[EmberBlaze]

I can understand the feelings you are having right now, all too well darling. I found out last month I was 8 wks pregnant with my first child, and the "Sperm Donor" bailed a wk later. We'd been together for almost 3 yrs now, I never saw it coming, NEVER. I've not seen him or heard a single word from him since either. It's hard when all you want is to share this experience with the one who helped create it, and they don't want to do the same thing, it really hurts....but, something I've learned over this past month is to just accept that he is gone and that I am going to be a single mother. I know it's so much easier said than done, trust me I do, but try doing like the others have suggested, put him out of your mind, focus on you and the baby, on how beautiful this experience can really be for you. You have a life growing inside you...isn't that amazing?? You will be the first one that baby sees in this world, and you will fall head over heels in love with him, in a way you never knew was possible to love another human being....because YOU created that little one, and he's a part of YOU....They say God never gives us more than we can handle, and it must be true because I'm still breathing and so are you darling Have some faith in yourself, it's hard, I know it is, but just take it one day at a time huney, and it gets better I promise. It's been a month for me and I'm more determined than ever to enjoy the beauty of this experience, I wake up every day and smile bc it's closer and closer to the day I hold my child in my arms for the first time....6 months can't go by fast enough!!! You know the gift you have been blessed with, and you deserve to enjoy it and be happy, so don't let anybody take that from you, you can do this, I have faith in you Sweetie,!!! We are stronger than we ever gave ourselves credit for, we got this

 

[Dezireey]

Like Ember said, focus on all the good things. If there is one thing I wish I had done during my pregnancy and when baby was born was try to be more of a 'glass half full' person than 'glass half empty'.

It's such a unique experience giving birth and all your baby needs is your love. He needs a mum who has no tears to shed for some loser father who bailed. Baby's need to look up into the eyes of a super happy mummy not a super sad one.

FOB's who bail have taken our hearts and dreams away in that moment. Don't allow them anymore of your tears or sadness from then on. They don't deserve such a privilege as fatherhood for leaving us. My FOB has permanently f****cked up any chance of any relationship with either me or his son. He did that, only himself. He is the one, not me who has to deal with the pain of changing his mind in the future or of ever wanting to see his son because he will never, ever get that opportunity because he will never find us.

They lose out, not us. FACT.