2 weeks post ERPC and can't seem to get closure

[Climbing Girl]

Its been exactly 2 weeks since I had my ERPC following a MMC. I was 10 weeks at the time of the surgery but lost my baby around 5.5-6 wks.

I had hoped the ERPC would allow me some closure but I can't seem to get it. I have developed a pain in my tummy and along with the continuing positive HPTS I'm getting I feel like I can't move on. I feel in limbo - I'm no longer pregnant nor can I start TTC again. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and some days I feel like I'm going mad. I cry at ramdom moments, much to the horror of some of the people I work with. My friend had her baby last weekend and I feel overwelming sadness and jeolusy when I think of her rather than joy for her which makes me feel like a horrible, bad person. I don't want to feel like this but don't know how to move on from it.

Sorry to go on, but felt the need to get it down on paper.
CG

 

[Fluxuspoem]

Hi honey

I had a very similar experience back in December 2008. My baby died at week 6 but we only found out two weeks later and I had the D&C on week 10. I felt exactly the way you are describing. I wasnt pregnant but couldnt try again so soon. I didnt know if I was able to try again emotionally and I was crying at random times. A lot of tears. I didnt go back to work straight away as I really couldnt think of anything else for the first two weeks after the op.

One of my best friends had her baby, and when she posted the photos on facebook, I cried with joy and then with envy thinking if I will be able to ever feel like her. I couldnt stand pregnant collegues or conversations about pregnancy. I hated a lot of things and pepole around me, and I was really cruel with myself.

I felt like a bad person. Exactly the emotions you are describing. It took me 3 months before I ttc again. I got pregnant straight away, it was weird.

I had some counselling done, as I was feeling very depressed. What I've learnt from it was that I was really cruel to myself and wanted to get over what I was feeling as soon as possible. I was grieving for the baby but I felt betrayed by my body and just wanted to be well again so I can try again. My emotional state was not ready though, so I started changing my perpective a bit.

All I want to say is that what you feel is perfectly normal. Dont force yourself to feel anything else. My counsellor really stressed the fact that I have to treat myself as my best friend and not the way I did.

My thoughts are with you, I know lots of people have already told you that, but I really felt for you when I read your email, it was almost like reading one of my posts honey.

Look after youself, email me anytime if you feel the need to take it all out.

 

[dan-o]

I'm feeling the same, lost in limbo. No longer pregnant, but still not through the MC process.
I'm 8 weeks since my ERPC today, still positive on HPT's, still bleeding, still feeling like crap, but oh so ready to move on with my life.

It's horrible to be like this & I totally sympathise with you climbing girl.
I hope your body recovers quickly & alows you to move on soon.

Sending you xxx

 

[Climbing Girl]

Thankyou both for your really kind words of support. It means alot to speak to people that have had/going through the same emotions.

 

[Jessa]

Like fluxuspoem said, what you're feeling is totally normal. It's been three months since my second miscarriage, that one at 17 weeks. I just started counseling last week to help me work through my feelings and gain a different perspective. Don't be afraid to ask for help, if you need it.

I also found I started to feel better when I made some decisions and followed through on things I'd been wanting to do for a long time, like getting a personal trainer and losing some weight. I've been doing that for two weeks now and feel more in control of my life as a result.

Lastly, don't forget that there is no quick fix. Grief requires that you process your feelings at a rate that works for you. It may take awhile, but each day will get easier.