3.5 month old and sleep training

[Cattia]

We did the sleepsense programme with my older two. It foocuses on getting rid of sleep props likefeeding to sleep, movement, dummies etc. You never leave them to cry, you always stay with them. When I first did it back in 2009 with DD1 there were a group of us on here doing it together and we had a support thread in the groups section which was great. I didn't ever want to do CIO but I also wanted them to have good sleep habits. They are both great sleepers now.

 

[SarahBear]

I don't believe in CIO at all, but even those that do, don't do it this young.

 

[Larkspur]

I can feel your pain as I had a very heavy DS who would only be rocked to sleep for the first 10 months of life.

I am struggling to understand why your husband cannot help out. Does he not understand that a baby can be hard work and he needs to pull his weight?

If anyone was going to CIO in that situation, it would be me, ie the tears and screaming would not stop FROM ME until DH understood that it was time to man up, pull his weight and be a decent father and partner!

 

[bdb84]

Some of us mothers DO require more sleep than others to function at a healthy level. The reason I was so adamant about not nursing to sleep with this baby is because my second child was a horrid sleeper. She did fine her first 3-4 months. She gave me anywhere from 3-5 consecutive hours at night. I could handle that. But then she got worse. And worse. And worse. By the time she was 9 months old, she was waking up every single 30-45 minutes and was so unable to fall asleep on her own that she needed me to nurse her for 15-20 minutes each time. If you do the math, I was getting maybe a couple of hours TOTAL sleep a night. My breaking point was when I fell asleep in the car at a stop light. I'm so thankful that I had somehow managed to keep my foot on the brake. I woke up to the cars behind me blaring on their horns. And it was at that moment that I knew I had reached my limit. I needed sleep. I was no longer just getting by. I was putting my children and myself in dangerous situations because of my lack of sleep.

I began night weaning her at that time. I won't say there was no crying involved, but there was no crying on her own. She always felt me. I was either rubbing her back or patting her on the bottom, but I NEEDED to do something.

It didn't take long. She caught on very quick and she thrived from that point on. Gone was my baby who cried ALL DAY LONG and she was replaced with a happy, smiley little one who cooed and laughed and slept WELL. We were all so much happier.

Yes, she was quite a bit older than your LO is now, but the point I'm trying to make is that it isn't always so cut and dry with "this too shall pass" or "it's just a phase". Some times it's not just a phase. And sometimes we have to put just one of our needs first so that we can begin to enjoy motherhood again.

You have my support, Mama

 

[ElizabethK_]

Thank you ladies for your replies!

I don't understand why some of you mentioned CIO as I did not want to do that. I said controlled crying - but obviously I didn't mention not leaving the room.

I can't anyway. She's in our bedroom there's no where else anyway! I just wanted to try letting her cry for a little bit, sooth her a little and let her cry a little more.

Which I did last night. I rocked her for 5 minutes till she got sleepy, I put her down, she started crying, i let her cry for 2 minutes then stroked her head and shushed till she calmed down. Stopped and did it again after she cried for another 2 minutes. I was THERE the whole time with the paci ready if she needed it and always making her understand i'm not leaving.

It took 30 minutes but she fell asleep. And slept for 6 hours!!! Longest ever!

Same with naps today. She would never nap for more than 20-30 minutes on her own. She has now been sleeping for 1,5 hours and I will be getting her up soon in time for her feed.

It is working. I don't know for how long. She might regress. She might not.

All I know is that we both had a good night's sleep as after the 6 hours she fed and then slept another 3 without even a grumble!

 

[halullat]

The reason she probably slept so long this time round is because she exhausted herself crying, she's far too young for sleep training. I don't agree with sleep training but at 3.5 months neither do sleep training advocates.

Your partner should not be making you take on all the responsibility and he needs to step up, it isn't fair on her or you if he doesn't.

 

[Button#]

I'm glad you got some sleep. I do agree with the others that say you should talk to your OH. She's his daughter too and he should do his share when he's home.

 

[amelia26]

I'm glad you found a way to get your baby to sleep. I do think there's a lot between rocking the baby whilst suffering in pain and leaving a baby to cry. You were with your baby the whole time to reassure her, with your presence. You need to consider your health and wellbeing and if the rocking is causing you pain then I think you're absolutely doing the right thing.
A lot of people wouldn't even call this "sleep training" per se. You're just finding a way that works for both of you.

You're OH needs to seriously step up though or he will be jeopardising his bond with his child. Do you think it's lack of confidence? I think that's not uncommon for some men but if he keeps avoiding care-giving that will only get worse. I took the approach of dropping my OH in the deep end and left him with baby and he did just fine. They have a wonderful bond now and my son adores his daddy.

Don't let it go on too long.

 

[Cattia]

Sometimes babies need to cry a little bit to settle themselves to sleep. All mine have done this although I would say it was more fussing than full on crying. I don't think two minutes of crying with you there is going to harm her either. Most of us with more than one child have left our babies to cry for a minute or two while we are dealing with the older ones, it's inevitable. I personally wouldn't feel bad about what you're doing. I also agree that your OH needs to help more though to give you a break.

 

[ElizabethK_]

DH unfortunately is not going to be of much help to me with the baby. I've come to realise that. He helps around the house at least, so that's something.

I tried letting her cry a little at bedtime as well and it only took 10 minutes of repetitive cry - shh/pat till she fell asleep. Her routine was done as usual and she was very sleepy when I put her down, also fed and clean. So I knew she was ok.

Now she's soundly sleeping. I think that's much better than fighting with her kicks while rocking her for 40 minutes every night. She actually cried more like that!

Thanks for all your advice anyway!!

 

[lisa1980]

I'm glad you are getting some sleep. I think if you're there with her, reassuring her whilst she fusses before sleep then that's not the same as what I'd consider to be sleep training as such. My DS2 always needs a little fuss before sleep and usually prefers not to be held while he does this...holding him makes him more upset. Maybe it's the same for your LO.

 

[amelia26]

Why isn't he going to be much help with the baby? What are his reasons? Is not even about helping you really, it's about establishing a bond with his child and it is so so important. I've seen this happen with a couple of friends and now, at 3 years old, the dads still can't look after the child alone because the child only wants mum, because they never established that bond with dad, and that undermines dad's confidence even more. It becomes a vicious cycle and your child will miss out if you and your OH don't act on it. My husband found bath time a good bonding time at that age - is that something your OH could do?

 

[ElizabethK_]

I fought and fought with him about it and in the end he just says if she cries he can't settle her and so on... There is nothing else I can do.

This is an older post of mine: https://babyandbump.momtastic.com/baby-club/2308645-dh-wont-help-baby.html

 

[MommyJogger]

I agree that there is a huge array of tools that you can find between letting baby cry in the crib and meeting baby's needs in a way that is detrimental to yourself. It's not always about getting rid of sleep props as much as it is finding the sleep props that work for everyone, because some babies (like my first was) are completely incapable of sleeping without either props or distress. You said you have a wrap, what kind of wrap? Is it the Moby or some other stretchy? Because those are really only comfortable to about 15lbs (or less depending on the mom's shoulders). But you might find a SSC to be comfortable to you, depending on where your pain emanates from, if you were at all interested in finding a carrier that works for you.
You can't always do exactly what a baby wants (rocking side to side on your shoulder), but I'm a big believer in the importance of keeping your baby close to support them through changes you have to make to meet your own needs. If it works for your family for LO to sleep in the cosleeper, can you lie down with baby while she falls asleep and cuddle close to her/stay near so she can feel you/smell you/see you/know you're right there with her? You don't always have to stop the crying (sometimes you just can't), but crying in arms/while being cuddled and reassured can look very different physiologically than being left crying for periods of time (the controlled crying method).