3 months after EMCS, still not over it.

[disneydarling]

3 months ago, I had an emergency c-section to have my daughter.

I'd spent 9 months planning a natural water birth, but I knew that in reality, it really didn't matter how she was born, as long as she was healthy.

She was back to back, and also a bit sideways, and after 21 hours of labour I had to go for the c-section. The experience was actually very good, it was such a wonderful moment when they pulled her out of me and help her up for me and my husband to see her for the first time. When they bought her over and laid her next to me for the very first time it was the best moment of my life. My recovery has been great, much easier than expected and being a mum is the most amazing thing I've ever done, I am so happy. I know that I did what I had to do to bring my baby into the world safely.

BUT.... every time I hear somebody talk about their natural birth or see a birth on TV, I can't stop crying. I feel like because I didn't get to experience pushing her out (which I was really looking forward to) that I failed. I can't bring myself to say that I 'gave birth' because I don't feel like I did.

I love my baby girl so much that I'm already looking forward to having another (not for a few years though) but the thought of trying for a VBAC and failing scares me so much that I don't know if I can go through it again.

I'm really hoping that somebody here has gone though this and did these feelings ever go away.

 

[Dani_Ldn]

3 months ago, I had an emergency c-section to have my daughter.

I'd spent 9 months planning a natural water birth, but I knew that in reality, it really didn't matter how she was born, as long as she was healthy.

She was back to back, and also a bit sideways, and after 21 hours of labour I had to go for the c-section. The experience was actually very good, it was such a wonderful moment when they pulled her out of me and help her up for me and my husband to see her for the first time. When they bought her over and laid her next to me for the very first time it was the best moment of my life. My recovery has been great, much easier than expected and being a mum is the most amazing thing I've ever done, I am so happy. I know that I did what I had to do to bring my baby into the world safely.

BUT.... every time I hear somebody talk about their natural birth or see a birth on TV, I can't stop crying. I feel like because I didn't get to experience pushing her out (which I was really looking forward to) that I failed. I can't bring myself to say that I 'gave birth' because I don't feel like I did.

I love my baby girl so much that I'm already looking forward to having another (not for a few years though) but the thought of trying for a VBAC and failing scares me so much that I don't know if I can go through it again.

I'm really hoping that somebody here has gone though this and did these feelings ever go away.

My section was planned as lo was breech, so I at least had a few weeks to get my head around the idea of it happening. I do not get upset about hearing other people's natural birth stories, but I do feel as though I cannot say that I gave birth, because I don't feel like I did (sounds a little silly when you say it out loud!).

I feel as though the feelings will go away, it will just take some time. x

 

[amielh]

You are not alone... I was exactly the same as you, had a natural birth plan made out I wanted a water birth with calming music in a maternity lead unit etc etc and it couldn't have been even more different than that! I did even labour... I feel failed that I have had a baby and I don't even no what labour feels like. I questioned the birth of my boy Finley for months and even now I look back on it. I told my partner to stay at work as I thought I had "an accident" so didn't want to face the embarrassment if I had, boy do I regret that now. I was rushed in for a EMCS after them monitoring him and loosing his HB. Even now I get upset at watching natural births on tv and even worse when I see something similar to what I experienced.

I would say the feelings go away but it does get better and easier it just takes time. xx

 

[LDC]

I felt the same way for a good while; I had just expected a natural Birth and was looking forward to baby being pushed out and immediate skin to skin, neither of which happened with the emcs.

Like you my experience was positive and recovery good (lo was back to back, big and I had a non progressive labour).

I was upset as I felt that I didn't have the emotional birth that I thought I would; those feelings of having lo on me right away all grubby from labour and me settling her whereas I couldn't hold her until about an hour and a half after her birth when I was up in recovery.

It does get better though and you accept what happened, you know what, you went through a massive operation to get your baby here safely and you did give birth to her, just out the sun roof instead.

No matter what, your bond will be there with baby and you have a scar to be proud of.

It took me about 6 months to truly believe that my labour was a positive one and that those things that I felt I missed out on we're replaced with things that wouldn't have happened if I'd had a natural labour. So for example I got more time alone with lo in the hospital to cherish, my oh got to hold her first (which I now know is actually ok!) and he'd have never gotten that if I went natural - I got to experience all of the pregnancy that he couldn't and that was a special moment for them. Plus she was clean when I got her (I can laugh about that now!).

You'll feel better about it, honest you will.

Xx

 

[Gem_Clem]

I feel exactly the same. My LO was frank breech and no one noticed, they thought it was her head coming out but it was her bum! Was rushed into surgery with no warning and no chance to prepare, I was terrified and the whole experience was traumatic.

16 months on, when I think about it, I still feel like a failure. I know what happened wasn't my fault but I hate that I didnt deliver her naturally. My friends were talking about childbirth and said pushing a baby out is so painful, oh you won't know you had the easy way out!! That really effected me, I can assure you it was not the easy way, I never want to have a c-section again, i was in pain for weeks after it.

This was my first baby and I going to have another one but I don't know what i'll do if I can't have a VBAC. It would really destroy me, but its better than having no baby at all.

I would do it all over again to get my baby girl, she is the most amazing thing to ever happen to me and I know our next baby will be too.

 

[Banshee]

I felt very similar to you. I had planned a natural water birth with as little intervention as possible and ended up with an ultra emergency c section under general anaesthetic. I was traumatised by what had happened. Being put under and not knowing if my baby was going to be alive when I cane around. It was horrific. I was upset for months after and couldn't watch births on tv coz I felt that I had been robbed of my birth and was a failure. I definitely felt like I had not given birth to ds1 as neither myself nor my husband had witnessed it. I was put unconcious pregnant and woke up not pregnant.
I fell pregnant with ds2 by happy accident when ds1 was 9 months. I tried for vbac but after 36 hours of failure to progress in labour even with syntocinon drip after induction I ended up with a second emcs but at least I was awake the second time around.
I can honestly say that for me I am really not bothered any more by my birth experiences. I do still feel a bit sorry that I never got to have a vaginal delivery but then I think that if I hadn't had my two emcs then maybe I or my children wouldn't be here today. And also for me, the second emcs, although disappointing, was not nearly as bad as the first coz I guess my rose tinted glasses view of child birth had already gone.

 

[Welshgem81]

I had a emcs under ga at 34 weeks pregnant due to placental abruption. Up until my pregnancy had been great. Was also planning a water birth and had visited birth centre really excited. I looked forward to watching one born every minute and have geared myself up for a natural birth. However it didn't go like that and when my baby was born i felt really cheated. I hadn't even had a labour. I was kept on the anti natal ward after baby was born because i had pre e and baby was in scbu. There were women coming in in labour and i was so envious. I couldn't believe id had a baby to be honest. I couldn't watch the 3 episodes of obem i had recorded because it made me feel sad and avoided anything to do with labour etc. It does get better hun. The mixed hormones and lack of sleep don't help. My lo is 5 months now and im planning and hoping for vbac with next. obviously not for a while tho

 

[mommytobe11]

It's been almost 11 months and I still feel exactly the same as you I can't say I gave birth, and I can't even listen to women talk about their birth experiences if they didn't have a section. I feel like I failed as a woman.
Now I'm pregnant again and thought about a VBAC but I'm too scared it will end in failure like the first time. Plus, my LOs will be 15 months apart and I'm worried that would be too soon.

I hope you're able to have a successful VBAC in the future

 

[x__amour]

I'm still not over it... Anytime I see a natural birth, I cry. So hoping for a VBAC.

 

[disneydarling]

Thank you girls for all your replies, it definitely shows me that I'm not alone. It's really upsetting me and I hate it. The more I think about it the more upset I get, I keep thinking about how I should have asked more when I was in labour to try the things that I wanted (water birth, variety of positions) rather than breaking down and letting the midwife tell me to get an epidural. I felt so hopeless that I did what I was to to rather than fight for what I wanted, and I feel that's how I got to the stage of needing a c-section.

I feel really disappointed in myself for not being stronger. I hate myself for feeling like this, I keep crying all the time. The only time I feel happy is when I'm playing or cuddling with my daughter (which is thankfully a lot of the time). If I'm doing something else these failure thoughts come straight back to me.

I was hoping time would make things better, but at the moment as time goes on I'm feeling worse and worse about it.

 

[9jawife]

I feel the same exact way.. Well, my c-section was not a positive experience. It was terrifying. I, too, was planning an unmedicated waterbirth. DH and I attended hypnosis for childbirth classes that reinforced the idea that "birth is natural, your body just knows what to do" so naturally I expected all would go well. When my labor didn't start after 24 hours of my water being broken, I felt like a complete failure. Little did I know my son's cord was around his neck twice, which is likely what prevented him from descending and causing me to dilate (thank God!) Even though I'm grateful for a healthy son, I'm still grieving the loss of my dream. A waterbirth would have been so beautiful, intimate, and maybe breastfeeding would be easier. Oh well.

 

[RachA]

Were you offered any 'counselling'? I had my first by emcs and was told that they could put me in touch with people if I needed to talk about it. I didn't feel that I needed to but if my scone had ended up as a c-section I would definitely of spoken to someone.

As I said, my first was an emcs after 16hours of really hard labour and 1 1/2 hours of pushing. He really didn't want to come out! I wouldn't say that I got emotional about natural births afterwards but then I don't watch any tv programmes about births etc! However, even 6 years on, I wouldn't refer to me as having given birth to my son.

I get pregnant with my second when DS was 17 months old and labour was very much on my mind. I didn't stress about it but I wasn't totally happy. My consultant said there was no reason why I couldn't go for a vbac. But as my due date got closer I got more worried. In the end I insisted that I didn't want to be induced until 1 week after my due date (they wanted me in earlier) because if you have had a c-section that can keep giving you the induction drugs like the can if you've only ever had natural. All through my labour I worried about what was happening. At one point I remember saying that I was really scared my baby wasn't going to come out and that I'd have to go for another emcs.
But I didn't-she can out naturally
I remember really clearly talking to my mum while I was pregnant about how I would feel if I had to have another c-section. I really wanted to 'give birth' and I knew I'd feel somewhat defective if I couldn't do what my body was supposed to do.

Because I did get my natural birth 2nd time around I don't feel like that I guess.

 

[disneydarling]

I wasn't offered any counselling or anybody to talk to. But then again, for the first few weeks after she was born I was on such a high that my baby was born, that I didn't care how she'd got here.

It's only as time has gone on I've started to feel like this, and it's getting worse and worse. It makes me feel bad because I love my daughter so much, I just hate myself for not being able to associate the moment she was born with the joy she gives me.

I'm becoming obsessed with VBAC thoughts and even though we are not planning the next one for a few years, I'm already getting worried about it.

 

[RachA]

I would recommend that you talk to your GP about any support groups for you to talk to as there is a good chance you'd need a c-section second time around and if you haven't dealt with the feeling from the first then a second could make you feel so much worse.
I wasn't on a high at all after having him and the dr who performed the emcs told me about support groups when she saw me in recovery. I have a really good support network of family and so talked the issue to death with them!

It's also totally normal to feel like this after surgery anyway. The effects of surgery can go on much longer than it takes for the physical scars to heal. I know this from a recent experience I had when I went in for minor surgery and ended up really ill-it took me a good 4 months to feel normal again!!

 

[Janers]

I found your post, and I can definitely relate. My LO had lots of complications, and I had an emergency c section, I got to the hospital after not feeling any movement, and by the time they learned what was going on they had her out in about 20 minutes. My husband didn't even make it in time.

I am starting to feel better about what happened, the guilt and disappointed is fading. It is still there, but i'm starting to come to terms with it.

It most definitely takes time, I don't think I realized how important this birth experience was too me until things went sideways.

Take it a day at a time, and remember how brave you are, how hard you tried, and that you did the best thing possible for your LO!

 

[AngelasMum]

I know how you feel, Mummy. I had an EMCS too and felt (I still do!) like I was robbed of actually trying to progress during the pushing part. I labored for 10 hours, baby is in good position, not in distress, he just would go back up whenever I pushed. But I only tried pushing less than 5 times! I just feel like my doctor rushed it since she was waiting on me for that long already.

 

[wookie130]

Hugs to those of you feeling cheated/sad/traumatized about not having the birth experience you hoped for...

I used to think it was important to have the labor I wanted.

And now I do realize that how I give birth does NOT define me as a mother or a woman, and there is too much emphasis being placed on the PROCESS, when really the entire thing is all about the OUTCOME, which ultimately is a healthy momma and baby. I fail to see how having a c-section makes me less of a woman, and how I'm only a "real mother" and "strong woman" if a baby exits my vagina, with little to no medical intervention.

I do understand how unexpected things happen, and that it's frightening, and traumatic, and all of that...I get this. But, I do think (especially in various factions of the web, and in the blogosphere that exists online) that women are losing sight of the prize...to come out of having a baby ALIVE, and to have a LIVING BABY. There is no shame in medical intervention if it accomplishes the above goals, and in the end, your baby will never hold it's birth against you...ever. What makes a woman a "real woman" is how we carry ourselves, and treat those we love, and being a good mom actually begins once the child has arrived safely, and is in the world among us.

to you all, though. I do understand your feelings to a degree.

 

[mercedybear]

I had an emergency after being in labour for 3.5 days and not progressing. I didnt get to see my LO or hold her after she was taken out, and I barely remember my dh holding her up for me to see as I needed more pain medication as I was feeling stitches being done in one spot I lost out on the first bonding experience with her and recovery/section experience has made breast feeding almost impossible to establish. But I am happy that she is here safe and sound..