3 weeks later, feeling sad about emergency c-section :(

[disneydarling]

My baby girl is now 3 weeks old, and I am suddenly feeling really sad about my birth experience.

I had planned a natural water birth, and I had spent my entire pregnancy looking forward to it. Of course I know things don't always go to plan, but my birth was so different to what I imagined.

When my waters broke, my contractions started very strong and close together straight away, when I got to the hospital I was 4cm, in a lot of pain, and was told a birthing pool was out of the question because my waters had already broken. Within a few hours I was in such agony that I got an epidural, because my labour was slowing so much and after at first being told things were progressing quickly, I then didn't dilate for hours, so I asked for the epidural, even though I'd been so against it before.

After 21 hours in labour, baby had turned back to back and sideways, and I'd completely stopped dilating even with the drip to increase them, so I was told I'd have to have a c-section. At the time, I was so worried about my baby being born safely, and I was so tired, that I didn't care. And when she was born, even though I didn't get to hold her straight away, I was so happy to meet her that I really wasn't bothered.

Now here I am 3 weeks later, and I love my baby girl so much, but I suddenly feel really let down by my birth experience. I'm sad that I didn't get skin to skin when she was born, and that I didn't get to experience giving birth. I had always looked forward to the feeling of pushing my baby out, and I really feel like I've missed out. When I see people on tv giving birth I cry because I didn't get to do it, I feel really upset about it.

Of course I have to say that I'm glad I did what was best for mine and my baby's health at the time, that's what's most important, but I feel like I spent 9 months looking forward to this experience and then I was robbed of it. Has anybody else been through this?

 

[AmyB1978]

nothing went "according to plan" for us either and I can totally relate to your post. No real advice, other then don't try to keep it in, just let it out.., I've nt done that much and it's just grown inside of me. I just wanted you to know you aren't alone and that I am so sorry it didn't go how you had wanted.

 

[Feline]

I think it's only natural that you're grieving for the labour you wanted...you've been through a lot. Big hug.

It can't in any way heal your grief, but try reflecting on this - your body grew that lovely, healthy baby. You did that! Childbirth itself is not an easy business. In the bad old days before modern medicine, 1 in 4 women would die or be seriously injured in childbirth - or their babies would come to harm. It's so easy for us to forget that because we live in the age of advanced medical care. We are surrounded by images of the 'perfect' birth and given the impression that this is the goal and anything different is failure in some way. Don't feel like you failed - on the contrary, from the moment your contractions started you made decisions throughout that put your baby's needs first at the expense of your own. That's what parenting is all about, and you nailed it.

Hope in time you feel better about things.

 

[disneydarling]

Thank you both for your replies you have made me feel a bit better!

You are so right, I should count myself lucky that we live in the age if modern medicine, and thank god that it meant my baby girl could be delivered safely and we are both perfectly fine. That's definitely a better way to look at the situation.

 

[justmeinlove]

I do totally understand, I ended up with emcs and am both rly sad I didn't actually give birth and also just cannot watch stuff with people giving birth, it freaks me out and upsets me so sympathy from me!

 

[Aliop]

6 months on from an EMCS and I am incredibly sad still, coincidently i found my sons hospital ID band in the nappy bag pocket today and i held it and was overcome with grief/sadness/tears. Birth trauma is real. You can be thankful that you and your baby are safe and well and still be sad about the way in which your child was born. Take your time to grieve the experience, take time to heal your heart. Yes, without a doubt you are thankful but that's not all you have to be. Have you had a meeting with your OB & midwife to debrief from the experience?

 

[Juniperjan]

I can also relate to how you feel as I ended up with an EMCS. For some time after the birth, I would burst into tears just thinking about the fact that I had to have a c-section. Anytime anyone asked me, it was the same response. I had a debrief from one of the doctors which I was grateful for and went some way to making me feel better. However it does still rankle with me but as a poster said, we might have died if we had lived a century earlier. Our babies are healthy and I have to remind myself of this.

All that said, I completely empathise. The passing of time has helped and now I don't really think about it. I just look at my LO and realise how incredibly fortunate I am.

 

[Dragonfly]

Yeah I been here. was my first birth and it went that way. Felt a sadness that then I never got natural birth, like a lose. I dont know what to say when you are in this situation except remarks like "your baby is fine you shoudl be happy" do not help at all do they. Your feelings should be reinforced on this not pushed to the side. Your feelings are important on this matter.

 

[tristansmum]

I could have written this post after the birth of my first by emcs! I felt so upset I didn't push my bsby out. I felt I hadn't given birth properly. I became obsessed with watching birth videos and was so jealous of women having vaginal births. Even my friends who got nice births made me so unhappy. It took a long time to cone to terms with my section.... Maybe like 5-6 months. I think eventually the love I have for him became so strong and enough time had passed that how he arrived became less important to me. Eventually I made peace with it... I can't change it so I moved forward. At only 3 weeks its still very recent. Try not to push yourself to quick. Chatting to friends can help.

I just had a vbac 3 weeks ago! I finally feel complete in terms of my birth experience. So if you are planning another baby in the future please know you can try again! I know look at my two births and feel lucky. I got to experience two completely births and I have two gorgeous boys. X

 

[Smanderson]

I felt the same way too after my EMCS as the ladies have said, talk about your feelings and try not to hold it in, talking and letting it out will hopefully help you come to terms with the EMCS. I totally agree with Dragonfly being happy you and LO are safe is great but you should not feel you have to push your grief aside because of this! I kept being told i should be grateful and i am BUT i still felt and sometimes still do feel the sadness you feel but for me its not so much missing out on the birth experience i wanted and was more the shock of what happened, i was terrified and still feel a like crying when i think about it

I guess what im saying is, your not alone, dont feel bad for feeling sad its natural and try to talk with friends and family it may help you come to terms with things and if you think it l help; see if you can have a debrief, i had to have my 6 week check up at the hospital and i hated talking with them about what happened i just wanted to run out of the room but some people feel better after talking it through with the specialists

 

[ladysarcasma]

I was prepared for something pretty much fast and easy when I went in to be induced at nearly 42 weeks with DD. Instead, she got stuck 32 hours into labor after 2+ hours of pushing. Emergency C-Section turned crazy when they couldn't get her out with a crazy inverted T uterine incision and had to push her up from the bottom. I wouldn't contract, lost too much blood, had a transfusion, and ultimately suffered acute respiratory failure landing me unconscious and on a breathing tube in ICU. When I woke up, I was alone and DD was in NICU with blood sugar and jaundice issues.

Definitely not how my dream birth was planned. No one understood my sadness because everyone thought I should just feel so lucky that we both survived. Of course I felt that way. But my birth experience was nothing like what I expected, and I ended up not able to nurse the baby either due to medications, separation, and the number of days she'd already been on the bottle. Also, I didn't realize I had options.

My experience was nearly six years ago. I just had a second planned c-section with DS, and it was awesome! Nice and calm. Everyone was prepared. No one running around being scared. And I got skin to skin immediately on the operating table, and got to nurse him in recovery. I am not implying that you should have another baby to feel better I'm just saying that I did find the second experience to be healing over the trauma of my first.

Six years out, that experience doesn't really bother me except in the months leading up to my second c-section (I was terrified!). I have an intelligent, healthy, happy six year old daughter who loves me very much. And now, unlike then, that's all that matters to me now.

I absolutely know how you feel. You may need to spend some time mourning the loss of the dream you had. It was a lovely one and it's absolute crap that it didn't get to happen! If you can get into a support group, that might help. But don't let anyone tell you that you "should be" happy or otherwise. No one else is in that place and they don't know what it feels like. You take all the time you need to feel however you want. If you need some help, never hesitate to find a friend, family member, counselor, or group to talk to! You can PM me, too, if you'd like. Anytime.

 

[Jendra]

I understand how you feel. Nature doesn't care. That's all there is to it. Some of us get the bum end of things when push comes to shove. Thank god for modern medicine to thwart nature when your number's up prematurely.

We have our babies and our health. I try to remember that when I feel like I've been robbed or that I've failed. At least my body let me down in 2013 instead of 1913.

 

[AmyB1978]

I understand how you feel. Nature doesn't care. That's all there is to it. Some of us get the bum end of things when push comes to shove. Thank god for modern medicine to thwart nature when your number's up prematurely.

We have our babies and our health. I try to remember that when I feel like I've been robbed or that I've failed. At least my body let me down in 2013 instead of 1913.[/QUOTE

Jendra, this gave me the chills, thank you!

 

[justachavmum]

It is a shock when your birth doesn't go to plan but just try and be grateful for a healthy baby regardless of how they got here

 

[justmeinlove]

I understand how you feel. Nature doesn't care. That's all there is to it. Some of us get the bum end of things when push comes to shove. Thank god for modern medicine to thwart nature when your number's up prematurely.

We have our babies and our health. I try to remember that when I feel like I've been robbed or that I've failed. At least my body let me down in 2013 instead of 1913.[/QUOTE

Jendra, this gave me the chills, thank you!

Ditto! :O

 

[Calif]

My doula worked with me on a natural birth plan. She herself had 8 kids, 7 naturally. The first however, was a c section due to breech. She was able to have not just one vbac but 7 more. Your c section saved you and your baby. It's ok to feel sad I hope you eventually get your vaginally birth.

 

[baileybubs]

I think theres so many of us who feel like this, I started a thread which was exactly like this, I also wanted a water birth and like you I know it doesnt always go to plan but for it to go so against what I wanted really upset me!

Big hugs to you all ladies!

 

[justmeinlove]

Big hugs back!!