33, Unplanned pregnancy, *but not unwelcomed*

[LastBabyforMe]

I must say that this site has given me so much insight and clarity on how to mentally process what I am going through. Reading through the experiences of so many strong women in Europe, in America , in all continents and countries who use this forum has helped me tremendously. I am a mother to two children and currently 6 weeks pregnant. What makes this pregnancy so difficult to fathom is that it was conceived with a "friend with benefits". I never thought that I would become pregnant at 33- I honestly thought my boy and girl would be all I would have.

The FOB did not support the pregnancy at all. But then it dawned on me that I wanted to take responsibility for the part I played in creating this precious life growing within me. I knew I would face public reproof due to not being married (mostly from my own family). However I do not care about it as I am working full time and live many states away from where I was raised.

Although the FOB is not communicating with me(nor I with him-too much pride to try to)- I have people around me who support me. My own boss has said he would do everything in his power to support me, my good friend Sandi at work(who is also Wiccan and swore to help me through her white magic if needed, ha!) THen there are my friends at the university I work at, They have offered such kind advice and shoulders for me to lean on. They surprise me with lunch dates and gift cards to Starbucks. I never had this with my first two pregnancies. THe fact that the FOB did not want the baby gave me some insight into his personality (which I must admit I did not know as well as I thought) I am no babe in the woods and I know what it is- SELFISHNESS and intense SELF-ABSORPTION. And let us not do away with hidden variables such as secret girlfriends, wives or any other notion they never shared with us when they pulled their lovely moves in the bedroom.

Update- I texted him yesterday to thank him for his Military service(Memorial Day in the US) and told him I was not upset with him and was willing to give him time to absorb the situation.

His reply- "Leave me alone"

So I have decided to pray to God to heal his cold heart, but also give me the strength to never contact him again until my child is born. It had been 14 days since our heated exchange and it was very evident that he still had not accepted the situation and resented me for my decision.

At any rate, tell me what you support is...what keeps you going day by day? Mine are:
Prayer
Friends
This Site
Good Books
A job that keeps me discombobulated until I get off, lol ( I work with adolescents and college students)

 

[Proserpina]

You sound like a strong woman. Good for you for doing what you need to do for yourself and your baby.

 

[Elleney]

Hi, firstly I would like to say congrats on your baby! Hopefully your FOB will come around a bit more, sometimes men seem to need a bit more time. I'm in a similar position. I'm 5 weeks pregnant, unplanned and unmarried. My OH was pretty upset and shocked, and wasn't happy really. He's still so-so but better.

Anyway, just know you do have support and love,

 

[creatingpeace]

Oh I hope this man is able to be a bit more mature in the future.


You sound like a strong grounded woman

What keeps me going:
My son
My job (also with youth)
Family

 

[beachgal]

I am in a very similar situation except I'm now 34 weeks and still no contact with the fob since I first told him.
What has kept me positive and motivated has been this site, friends and family.
I'm proud to be a single mommy to be
Sending hugs and strength your way!

 

[LastBabyforMe]

Our situations are very similar beachgal.


UPDATE- Told my sister tonight I would keep my child and she basically asked me was I trying to "trap" the FOB and what my "intentions" were. She then went on to say "If he has any sense he will leave you alone at once". She then urged me to terminate the pregnancy.

As much as she was wanting to look after me her words hurt me greatly as it seemed to validate the harsh treatment that some men give pregnant women when they refuse to be accountable for the part they played in creating these babies.


Interesting how a decision to keep a child can so easily be construed by some as an attempt to "trap" someone. I find the trap narrative very, very unsettling as nothing could be further from the case. Trapping insinuates that there was a methodical plan to "ensnare" a man into becoming a prime SPERM DONOR for our so called "desperate wombs". Complete hogwash. Very sick narrative but something many men and some women believe.

From now on I will be very sensitive to who I share my decision with. I don't need to made to feel this way.

 

[beachgal]

You are so very right that you should not be made to feel that way.
Stay strong and congrats on your little one ( who is very lucky to have a mommy like you!).

 

[creatingpeace]

Wow that is very unsupportive and a very uneducated perspective. So sorry she talked to you like that.

 

[LastBabyforMe]

I appreciate the kind words everyone. My sister has always been an "ice queen" and never entertains emotions. She is a very A type person and looks at things from very practical standpoints. Regardless, her words stung because those were the very accusations FOB made during our heated exchange:
He said
*I "set him up" and that
*I'm insane

So even though I told him in no uncertain terms that I was not setting out to use him for anything, irresponsible, selfish guys like him would rather hold onto such notions to acquiesce their resentment and cement their hatred of women carrying their own flesh and blood.

I will continue to be optimistic and stand strong in my decision. The next time she brings it up I will kindly let her know that it is no longer up for discussion however I appreciate her attempts at advisement.

 

[jazzandru]

Hey I hope it all goes smoothly for you. I am 35 and 11 weeks gone with my first. My fiance finished with me when I told him I was pregnant even though we planned for a baby. I decided to have it anyway and have had my share of people (his friends/family) implying that I am somehow trying to trap him even though I have made it his choice to be involved or not. You have raised children before and it sounds like you will have good support around you. Enjoy your pregnancy and don't worry about opinions in others that you cannot change. FOB may come round to the idea when he gets over the shock. Men are strange things and very childish at times.

 

[creatingpeace]

Wow FOB took it harshly too! You are insane because you got pregnant? How interesting, what did he think may have been the possiblity/consequence of having sex?

 

[LastBabyforMe]

Yes he did. At first he just seemed shocked and wanted to know my plans-then he became adamant about eliminating the pregnancy. He even offered to pay. But in that process he began to assign blame to me and I ultimately told him to keep his money.

I plan to write him a letter in four months outlining everything as I never was given a chance to air out my side of the situation. I am preparing to raise this child alone.

His only concern seems to be that his quality of life will be severely affected. He is in the Air Force and most likely knows the repercussions of not honoring child support. At this point the only thing I would require of him is civility. Since he cannot offer that I have to leave him be for awhile.

 

[Angeltk42]

CONGRATS on your Pregnancy!!!

We are/were in very similar situations. I basically got pregnant with a FWB too. I met him we hung out a few times casually, it progressed to sleeping together and still getting to know each other. He is Much younger than me 27 and I am 32 but he is a father of 3 small boys whereas this is my first. He is also going through a divorce. Well he wasn't upset over the baby but he was in shock and he basically distanced himself from me for about a month but then he got hurt (foot broke when a car ran it over on accident) and since then we have been inseparable! We had a long talk about the baby a few weeks ago and although he doesn't know where we will end up he does know that because this is his child he will be there for him/her as much as he possibly can. As far as us we are just taking it day by day and seing where it goes!

Give him time let it sink in. Guys are weird!!!

I'm sorry about the negative comments and I applaud you for choosing to keep the baby and taking responsibility for your choice in creating this life!!

I feel fortunate to have this site, my friends, family and my online bump buddies to help me through this journey! I am very far from home I too live several states away from friends/family so I was scared and alone when i first found out. But being 32 and wanting a child this is not an UNWANTED or UNWELCOME pregnancy in fact it is a blessing! I pray to god to just keep me on my path and show me where I need to be and know his guidance will send me in the direction I need!

Good luck!!!

 

[ceecee615]

Honestly just focus on you and the baby cause at the end if the day thats all that matters my pregnancy was so depressing because i didnt have fob there and he never seemed interested.. so focus on the pregnancy and be happy no need to vent just focus on your needs right now spoil yourself you deserve it. At the end of everything im raising my child alone while he has 3 other kids he takes care of with a new woman, so he was never worth the stress

 

[ceecee615]

No need to vent to him i mean lol