4.5 yr old behaviour at nursery

[LPF]

I could do with some advice on this if I may - bear with me, it might be long!

Ds is 4.5 and has always had tendencies to be a bit too boistrous, bit bossy, and a bit over the top physically (he's very tall for his age and has never really known his own strength) but he often goes too far.

Basically, dh got a new job (teacher) to start last Christmas 3 hrs away but near our families. We decided he would work away mid week until the summer holidays and we would aim to move over the summer in time for school starting and avoid disrupting ds in the nursery he loved and had a lot of friends.

Then I was diagnosed with cancer just before he was due to leave at Christmas. We had to move at speed into a rental near dh's work and family so they could step in and look after everything while I was going to be too sick. I've been off sick from my job for 6 months.

This meant ds left his home, his nursery, his friends, his football and swimming classes and moved somewhere new and had a sick mummy who spent all the time in hospital or bed. I had 6 operations, chemo and radiotherapy and I was very ill. (I'm out of treatment now and recovering)

Ds started at the school nursery (private school where dh is, ds will start there in September properly) but has never really settled. If anything it's getting worse.

He makes a lot of bad decisions there, last week he pushed a little girl off the climbing frame, yesterday he hit a boy in the head with a plastic bat. He messes about with sand and putting in children's hair, snatches, pushes into play and is disruptive socially etc. he is a November baby and is very bright especially at maths and language. When they do specific activities he's absolutely fine and loves helping tidy up and doing physical activities which are structured and loves going up to the school for settling in sessions and gym / drama / music sessions in school. School teachers who see him say he is very confidant and bright and keen to join in. The problem seems to be in free play / social settings and making friends in nursery.

He doesn't really have any friends now. He cries about 3 boys in nursery do horrible things to him and won't let him play (nursery are very keen though that these boys aren't made a scapegoat for ds behaviour and say it's because ds wants to be top dog apwhen other boys feel they are already). He doesn't really talk about any children and nursery say he plays with everyone but no one is his close friend.

He's happy to go to nursery each morning but is always sad when we talk about nursery at home or when staff tell us (daily) all the things he's done wrong - we've asked them to list the good things too so we can praise him for this and we have a sticker chart on the go which he's desperate to do well at.

I'm at a loss what to do....I've got a sad little boy who is becoming more violent each week who misses his home / nursery / friends and has a sick mummy who also has no friends and is too sick to really leave the house much. Ds is angry at my parents now because they've had to care for him when I'm not well and all he wants is me (I am getting stronger but it'll take time) Dh is working really hard at his new job and keeping the house going and that we are all fed etc as well as spending lots of time with ds. The move will be permanent, it has to be for all of us. Despite this, it's a really good opportunity.

Ds has 35 days left at nursery then he will have 10 weeks off for summer before starting in reception there (none of these boys are going up, only a few of the children will be none of whom ds particularly talks about yet) but I'm worried this negativity will rub off onto starting school there......

Sorry for the essay but I'm at a loss here

Ps. He's also an only child due to my MCs and now cancer so I also feel guilty that that is part of the reason he behaves like this.

 

[alibaba24]

wow you have been through so much! at this age I wouldnt really expect him to have any close friends they seem to just play with whoever is available at the time. he is still new and settling so im sure it will take time to start forming friendships. maybe you could ask nursery to encourage his social skills by having him play little games with maybe only one other child etc. i know this was suggested for my daughter who has a terrible time socialising due to poor language skills and general not wanting to share or not be boss!

I hope your recovering well

 

[Quartz]

I think he has had his whole world turned upside down and is struggling to cope but he will adapt.

I suspect Nursery might be part of the issue - its never easy to join midway through and if the school reception starts anew then this will help a lot. I am not sure from the impression that you give that the Nursery staff are particularly handling him well and that might be part of the problem. It sounds as though they are making him responsible for the boys behaviour rather than facilitating the relationship between them. I agree with the above poster the nursery should be doing more to help him socialise rather than give a list of what he has done wrong.

It also sounds as if he is more than ready for school and that is also causing his behaviour. It sounds as if he is bored.

I would try and use the 10 weeks in the summer to settle him into the area (I assume as your DH is a teacher he can be around) do what you can - maybe try and spend a set amount of time that you feel able to to have one to one time with you and as you feel stronger

How much does he know/understand about what is wrong with you? It maybe as well he has picked up on a lot from what he has seen and heard, have you sat him down and talked to him. He is young but he is old enough to have form an impression of what is doing on which might be worse than the truth.

I dont think being an only child has anything to do with this either so I would try and stop worrying about that. I am an only child and you dont miss what you have never had!

 

[LPF]

Thank you both.

Yes dh is a teacher so the boys will both have 10 weeks off every summer (it's a private school with very hefty teacher deductions for fees) this is why preschool tends not to feed into reception as many go on to state primary and new children come into reception. It'll be a clean slate where everyone is new together and I think ds will feel more comfortable as he feels he knows the school as he does one morning a week up there already and it's also 'daddy's school' (in seniors though) - I think this will help him settle rather than being new.

I've felt that nursery are picking on the bad stuff but I had quite a long chat yesterday with the lead teacher (and shed a few tears as she got the incident book out which my heart sank but ds was bitten rather than did anything so the flood gates opened after that!) they spent yesterday engaging him more and positively praising him. She showed me his work and talked about how engaging he his in circle time and how his hand is always up wanting to answer questions etc.

The class is quite big and obviously full of tiddly 3 yr olds all the way to big boys and I'm not sure he's challenged enough. Also they playground is smaller than what he's used to so I think if he was physically and academically pushed more he wouldn't have the energy to mess about. That said, he started there for a purpose of our rapid need and getting ready for school there so can't complain too much!

Ds knows I've been unwell as I've always told him about mummy's tummy being poorly and that going to the hospital is making me better etc and he ask questions some times. Now I'm getting better he gets so exciting when I can do things that I couldn't do before which is lovely.

 

[zorak]

I would speak to school first before even thinking of docs (docs is not something I myself would rush to). Find out how she is both in the classroom and at play time.

Also try talking to her during a calm time. Set aside some time for just you and her to do a little relationship building, do something fun together. I know it's hard but try not to let her see how upset her behavior makes you, it's showing that she can cause a reaction.