4 weeks pregnant-hard to be excited after having lost my last baby

[ToniT]

Hi im 4 weeks pregnant today,and was absolutley over the moon when i found out.i wanted this pregnancy so much! but last year in november i lost my little girl "Ruby" at 23 weeks.At our 20 week scan with her we were told that something was seriously wrong,i was told there was no amniotic fluid around and her kidneys appeared to be none functioning,because of these factors my babys chances of survival outside the womb were about 2%.Because her kidneys werent working,she wasnt urinating,which means there was no fluid,which then meant that her lungs wouldnt develope and grow without any fluid. i cant even begin to explain my devastion at this news!!
The options we were given were to carry on with the pregnancy and go to full term (even tho they said id most likely miscarrage if i carried on) or i could terminate.......after nearly 2 weeks of trying to decide what to do,we decided we would end the pregnancy.Hardest decision of my life! The way i see the justice in my decission was that i protected her by doing this! i knew she wasnt going to survive! i asked the doctors,if i do go full term "will she suffer when shes born" their response was "well,how would you feel if you couldnt breathe?" and thats what made up my mind really.i had the TFMR (termination for medical reasons) or as the docs call it "feticide" (i hate that word so much!) the 22nd of november 2011 and she was born the 25th of november 2011 weighing 1pound 2 ounces and now im blessed to have my own little angel in heaven and i know ill be with her up there one day! but......in the mean time ill just have to be patient.
So this is why im struggling to get excited with this pregnancy........im just so scared something will happen. i know worrying will only make it worse and that i should just try and relax but thats easier said than done
If any can share with me any advice or experience of a similar experience id be thankful. thankyou for reading.xxx

 

[jojo23]

hi hun, firstly im so sorry for your loss! i cant imagine how hard that decision was for you but i have no doubt you made the right choice for Ruby!

congrats on your new pregnancy hun....i lost my little girl last year at 22 weeks, we found no cause! and i am now 23 weeks pregnant with a little boy th only advice i can give is to tell you that its so difficult to keep a calm head lol....you will prob worry about everything and google everything! but if you take it one week at a time hun everything will be fine! they will monitor you soooo closely this time. i had early scans at 6 8 and 12 weeks. if you want early scans dont be afraid to ask and if your ever unsure about anything ask your gp thats what they are there for!

im always here if you need anything hun! im glad your getting your rainbow and im sure Ruby will be watching over this little one! take care xxxxx

 

[ToniT]

Thanks hun that was the response i needed.im slowly starting to feel more excited but ive still got my guards up and doubt they'll come down untill baby is actually here.i talk to my partner all the time about how i feel but its good to have women with similar experiences to talk to, i only joined today and im glad i did, i think it'll help
Sorry for your loss too hun,were blessed to have our own little angels to watch over us and our little ones on the way. all the best with your pregnancy xxxx

 

[SabrinaKat]

I had an mc at 7-8 wks, so not as far along as you, but if it helps, was so worried and anxious throughout a subsequent pregnancy, but baby came earlier this month and he's fine! Just take it one day at a time, and try to concentrate on the positive -- hard, I completely understand, but good things can/will happen (and stop using google so much!)

best wishes

 

[mhazzab]

Welcome here!

I gave birth to twins unexpectedly at 23weeks last June. I am now almost 23 weeks pregnant with my rainbow baby (kind of scary but I'm feeling confident I will successfully get past this next week). I spent the first few weeks of this pregnancy terrified of an early loss, a scan at 7 weeks helped ease my mind for a little bit, and then bizarrely started feeling movement at ten weeks. Not much, but a squirm every few days kept me going till my 12 weeks scan. Maybe my baby was just trying to reassure me!

Like jojo says take each day at a time, you will find ways to get through this. My treatment this time has been great, have had an early scan, cervix length checks, vaginal swabs and a consultant at the end of the phone whenever I freak out (which I have, a few times). All this has really helped so, if you haven't discussed what extra treatment you will get, do it soon to put your mind at ease. They even told me that all these extra checks are not for medical reasons, because they don't expect me to have issues again, they are for my peace of mind which is great.
Perhaps set yourself little targets to reach, so that you really feel you are making some progress. Rather than making the target your due date?
You will get there, and will get support from others in here too. I'm not in this section so much now, but feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk. Xxx

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am so very sorry for your loss of Ruby I lost my Ava at 20 weeks, I refused medical intervention and I had her in my home and we buried her on 3/11/2011, hardest day of my life. I am still terrified to get pregnant again and I know if I did I would feel like you feel. I also think you should take one day at a time and I just know everything will be ok for you I wish you all the best//
XOXOOXO

 

[ToniT]

Thankyou very much for your replies and advice guys,talking about it is helping rather than keeping it to myself or bombarding my partner with all my worries. I like your idea mhazzab,think if i just set myself little targets and milestones ill feel better.my 1st being 8weeks,then 12,then 16,then the biggy the 20 week scan! which i know ill be terrified about as thats when i had the aweful news last time.doubt ill ever fully relax untill LO is here,but aslong as im not driving my self crazy with worry ill be fine, and like JoJo23 said my little Ruby is watching over her little brother or sister and that gives me comfort xxxxx

 

[jojo23]

exactly hun..it can be a bit daunting thinking ahead so just look to your early scan and then after that your 12 week scan, the weeks will pass without you even realising! and honestly the doctors(most of them anyways) have been so amazing this time round with me, i had a few scares during this pregnancy once with bleeding and once with a lil car accident and i felt a little crazy rushing into the hospital but i was never once made feel like i wasnt bein taken seriously. its amazing how understanding doctors and nurses are after our losses.

as mhazzab says hun soon enough baby will be letting you know everything is going good in there. and we're always here for anything you need even if its just a little reassurance..hope you can feel a little more positive and try to enjoy this pregnancy!! xxxx

 

[daopdesign]

You stay strong and positive, these terible things don't happen all that often especially to the same person. Look at me, lost my baby at 16 weeks and now 25 + You'll be fine I'm sure xx

 

[MaevesMummy]

So sorry for yopur loss, such a hard decision.
The trouble I found was that it does not matter how many statistics were thrown my way, All I had known in pregnancy was loss. It stuck in my mind. I worried about early m/s, but then I was even more scared of another late loss. It was hard to get a fine balance between trying to be positive and getting my worries checked out. The best thing I found was to formulate a care plan, exactly what I wanted checked and when in the next pregnancy. Also, If I really needed reassurance I went and got checked. It worked out that I saw someone every 2 weeks. I had an early scan at 8 weeks, but I think next time I would leave that one out. I have had early m/c and that scan offered me comfort for about 10 secs!
Also, I tried to build memoried throughout my rainbow pregnancy, just in case. It was bloody hard, but I bought a few little somethings, so I had memories just in case, or to show him when he is older. Lots of scan pics too. It actually helped me be positive in a way.

 

[SabrinaKat]

Hi, I posted this last week in 'Pregnancy after Loss' section, but it might help?

After a mc and two possible chemicals, my LO was born earlier this month (see my post 'SabrinaKat's Good News'), so it is possible to get the happy ending! I was worried, nervous and anxious throughout my pregnancy, but my advice is:

1. Take it one day/one hour at a time.
2. If you break into 'milestones', e.g. the 12wk scan, the 16wk scan, feeling the baby finally move, etc., it is perhaps more manageable mentally.
3. If you don't want to buy anything because you're superstitious - that's fine!
4. If people tell you everything will be fine and you are having a bad time, just smile (unless it's the doctor looking at a scan with good news!)
5. If you still remember the mc/lost little one and feel a little sad, that's okay!
6. If people ask you if it's your first, it's okay to say 'yes' -- you're not forgetting the lost ones, just making it easier for yourself with strangers.
7. It's okay to worry every single day, but also visualise yourself with baby in your arms sometimes too!
8. If something doesn't feel right, TELL YOUR DOCTOR (ultimately, I was diagnosed with high blood pressure in wk32 -- made it to wk36, said to my ob/gyn -- I don't feel right, blood work showed PE, and baby delivered that day (we're both fine)
9. It's okay to NOT think about the pregnancy sometimes -- there's nothing wrong with you for feeling disconnected -- it's a protection mechanism and NORMAL
10. Nothing is a greater feeling than when LO is placed in your arms and to sigh later and wonder about the lost babies is OK.

best wishes

 

[katie21188]

I am so sorry for your loss of little Ruby, such a beautiful name. I am also terrified, I am almost 20 weeks pregnant with my rainbow baby, I lost my twin daughters last year in July at 22 weeks so I'm almost at the scary stage but believe I will get through it. I will be praying and thinking of you this pregnancy. You will be fine. Xoxo

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am so sorry for your loss of little Ruby, such a beautiful name. I am also terrified, I am almost 20 weeks pregnant with my rainbow baby, I lost my twin daughters last year in July at 22 weeks so I'm almost at the scary stage but believe I will get through it. I will be praying and thinking of you this pregnancy. You will be fine. Xoxo

So sorry for your losses

 

[AmberS]

So very sorry for your loss! Keeping you in my thoughts for you and your new LO. Good luck!

 

[ToniT]

Thank you so much for all your kind words and supportive messages. Im so sorry for losses too,You are all truely very strong and kind women. Ive had my 12 week scan and everything was perfect so happy! baby was very happy bouncing and kicking away (very active) everything was just beautiful,but i still feel like thats half the battle,its the 20 weeks scan thats the crucial one for me as thats when Rubys "condition" was discovered.I pray that everything will be ok with this little one but i feel optimistic that ive come this far with no problems *touch wood*. Thanks again ladies x x x

 

[Joanna82]

Hi Toni

Congratulations for your pregnancy, I hope everything will be fine. As the girls said, just take it day after day and don't worry about what it'll be like in few weeks time.
I lost my baby 3 months ago and I am waiting to try to conceive, we are planning to try again at the end of this year or beginning of next year and I just can't wait to see positive result on my pregnancy test) I definitely will take on board all the advices from the girls on this website and I am sure that my little angel will take care of me and his future brother or sister

Lots of love and all the best

 

[littleANDlost]

I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to your little girl . But congrats on this pregnant
I was in your shoes back in July, i spent my whole pregnancy sure something bad was going to happen again. With Lily they had no idea why she hadn't made it and i was positive it was something i had done or that my body just wasn't right to carry babies, even after 24 weeks and everything was fine i still wouldn't quite believe it. I called the midwife over every single little thing and we had a few trips to the hospital for traces and things just to keep me from going insane that something was wrong.
But my second little girl was born perfect and healthy!
Please don't let your fears over power your excitement. pretty much all women who lose a baby go on to have healthy babies with nothing going wrong at all.

It may seem strange and a little backwards but the way i got through my pregnancy was to think about Lily, She'd be 2 and a half now if she had made it and would love playing with her little sister. In my mind she was looking down at us looking Olivia before she was even born to keep her safe.

Also tell your doctor how scared you are it will happen again, they seem to not worry so much about women who have 'only' lost one baby and can sometimes seem cold about it and about your fear. ask for extra scans and extra appointments with your midwife to put your mind at ease.

good luck with everything.

 

[Joanna82]

I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to your little girl . But congrats on this pregnant
I was in your shoes back in July, i spent my whole pregnancy sure something bad was going to happen again. With Lily they had no idea why she hadn't made it and i was positive it was something i had done or that my body just wasn't right to carry babies, even after 24 weeks and everything was fine i still wouldn't quite believe it. I called the midwife over every single little thing and we had a few trips to the hospital for traces and things just to keep me from going insane that something was wrong.
But my second little girl was born perfect and healthy!
Please don't let your fears over power your excitement. pretty much all women who lose a baby go on to have healthy babies with nothing going wrong at all.

It may seem strange and a little backwards but the way i got through my pregnancy was to think about Lily, She'd be 2 and a half now if she had made it and would love playing with her little sister. In my mind she was looking down at us looking Olivia before she was even born to keep her safe.

Also tell your doctor how scared you are it will happen again, they seem to not worry so much about women who have 'only' lost one baby and can sometimes seem cold about it and about your fear. ask for extra scans and extra appointments with your midwife to put your mind at ease.

good luck with everything.

Hello and thank you for your post. I lost my baby 3 months ago and now I am preparing myself for getting pregnant again. I am reading these posts to have some advice and reassurance for my next pregnancy so I won't be so panicky.
Big Hugs for you xxx

 

[littleANDlost]

I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to your little girl . But congrats on this pregnant
I was in your shoes back in July, i spent my whole pregnancy sure something bad was going to happen again. With Lily they had no idea why she hadn't made it and i was positive it was something i had done or that my body just wasn't right to carry babies, even after 24 weeks and everything was fine i still wouldn't quite believe it. I called the midwife over every single little thing and we had a few trips to the hospital for traces and things just to keep me from going insane that something was wrong.
But my second little girl was born perfect and healthy!
Please don't let your fears over power your excitement. pretty much all women who lose a baby go on to have healthy babies with nothing going wrong at all.

It may seem strange and a little backwards but the way i got through my pregnancy was to think about Lily, She'd be 2 and a half now if she had made it and would love playing with her little sister. In my mind she was looking down at us looking Olivia before she was even born to keep her safe.

Also tell your doctor how scared you are it will happen again, they seem to not worry so much about women who have 'only' lost one baby and can sometimes seem cold about it and about your fear. ask for extra scans and extra appointments with your midwife to put your mind at ease.

good luck with everything.

Hello and thank you for your post. I lost my baby 3 months ago and now I am preparing myself for getting pregnant again. I am reading these posts to have some advice and reassurance for my next pregnancy so I won't be so panicky.
Big Hugs for you xxx

Just take everything one day ata time, and remember every pregnancy is a completly different one.
xxx

 

[ToniT]

I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to your little girl . But congrats on this pregnant
I was in your shoes back in July, i spent my whole pregnancy sure something bad was going to happen again. With Lily they had no idea why she hadn't made it and i was positive it was something i had done or that my body just wasn't right to carry babies, even after 24 weeks and everything was fine i still wouldn't quite believe it. I called the midwife over every single little thing and we had a few trips to the hospital for traces and things just to keep me from going insane that something was wrong.
But my second little girl was born perfect and healthy!
Please don't let your fears over power your excitement. pretty much all women who lose a baby go on to have healthy babies with nothing going wrong at all.

It may seem strange and a little backwards but the way i got through my pregnancy was to think about Lily, She'd be 2 and a half now if she had made it and would love playing with her little sister. In my mind she was looking down at us looking Olivia before she was even born to keep her safe.

Also tell your doctor how scared you are it will happen again, they seem to not worry so much about women who have 'only' lost one baby and can sometimes seem cold about it and about your fear. ask for extra scans and extra appointments with your midwife to put your mind at ease.

good luck with everything.

Thank you very much for your post, its inspiring to hear the positive story's of woman who have lost and gone on to have healthy pregnancy's/babies.
Im classed as high risk due to what happened last time so i am getting extra care and i also have a 16 week scan coming up next week *fingers crossed all ok* Im slowly getting more comfortable with my pregnancy but i know i wont fully settle until after my 20 weeks scan in June.
Its very scary but im trying to see the positives. My pregnancy so far has been fine,other than worrying things seem to be going great and im starting to feel the babies movements now
And Joanna82, im sorry to hear of your loss,wish you the best of luck for the future and TTC. xxx