4 years TTC 36 week stillbirth and now c/p. How much more sh*t am I supposed to take?

[bonniessis]

Just on for a rant.
After 4 years TTC with PCOS and 2 rounds of clomid I finally got pregnant with my gorgeous little boy. At 36 weeks I had reduced movement, found out we'd lost out little boy and had a natural delivery 2 days later. This was on 14th March (how it's possible that 5 months can pass this quick is unreal, it feels like it happened 5 weeks ago!).
In the months since losing our boy I've been monitored by the fertility clinic and am fortunately ovulating on my own (for a change). I had to have my gallbladder removed and lost 4 stone while waiting for the op. All the while we've been ttc since 18 days after giving birth, not to replace our son (that will never happen), but to know that we're doing everything possible to fill our empty arms, and all the empty baby furniture that has taken over our house.
Anyway, last Tuesday (af was due Monday) I got 6 bfp's, Wednesday I got 3 bfp's and Thursday I had a bfp (frer) and a bfn (cd digi). Bleeding started Friday night. It's weird, after losing my little man, I always had a nagging feeling that my next bfp would end in disaster.
As if I wasn't stressed enough, I'm getting married in 2 and a half weeks and I'm really wishing we'd postponed the wedding. I'm not looking forward to it one little bit. Everything for our wedding was planned with our son being a big part of our day and now that he won't be there, it breaks my heart.
Arghhhh!!! I'm seriously done! How much more am I supposed to take? I feel like I've hit breaking point a million times and yet there's always something to knock me back a bit more.
Do happy endings actually exist?!?
It's 3am and I've just wound myself up too much to sleep now, it's hard enough to sleep without winding myself up even more.
Rant over for now (thanks for listening, if you got this far)
X

 

[Bug222]

oh goodness.. what an awful rollercoaster you have been on. I am so very for your losses. I know that words won't help you feel any better but I am sending you love and peace xxx

 

[Hula1]

So so sorry you ve had to go through all this. Life can be so cruel. You sound a very strong women and i so hope you get the peace and happiness you derserve with a little one to finally take home. Hugs.

 

[Pixiedust22]

I'm so sorry, that's awful... I hope all this leads to a happy ending for you.

 

[Oasis717]

I'm so so sorry for everything you've been through, I can't even begin to imagine what you went and are going through loosing your lo at 36 weeks, I wish I could say something to ease your pain but I know there are no words, I lost two pregnancies in 2012, one at 12 weeks two days after hearing my baby move at the midwifes then after one cycle became pregnant again only to loose that lo at 11 weeks. We were devastated but despite being older I became pregnant again in Jan 2013 and our little boy is 10 months old, it definitely can happen despite feeling like it never will so please keep hoping, there is always hope. You've been through so much stress on top, an operation, upcoming wedding, be kind to yourself, you're obviously incredibly strong to be coping as you are, cry when you need to, rant when you need to, don't ever be afraid to let your feelings out. I've had 2 chemical pregnancies in the last 6 months so I know how it feels to see the line disappearing/tests going neg. But you've come so far and you will hold your rainbow baby in your arms. Sending you loads of luv, you're a very brave lady xxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Sunshine14]

HI Bonniessis I'm so so sorry for your loss of your little boy, it really is heartbreaking and I cannot imagine what you have been through. i don't think anyone can unless they have been through it. I just wanted to send you lots of hugs and

I just wanted you to know that a friend of mine had the same thing happen with her little girl at 38 weeks and then went on to have a healthy baby boy afterwards -- I just wanted to give you some hope that just because you have had one chemical doesn't mean that it will keep happening. Have you thought about having a few sessions with a counsellor where you could just cry, rant, get angry and vent -- I had one time in my life where I felt very close to the edge and I actually found a few counselling sessions got me through! Just a thought ....

Re the wedding I know your little fella would have been a big part of the day but can you just try to enjoy the day for what it is - even if it is tinged with sadness - it's ok to feel happy and sad on your wedding day. You are obviosuly marrying your other half cos you want to build a future together - can you just try to go with the flow and if you feel like crying do so and if you feel happy great too -- also what about some kind of tribute to your little boy - you both buy a bracelet / necklace in his memory and wear it on the day something precious and intimate - I don't know but if it was me I would want to wear something that reminded me of him so he felt close. I don't know if any of my ramblings will help but I just wanted you to know you are not alone, there is hope and time will ease your pain and suffering -- also your little boy wouldn't want your wedding day ruined by his shadow, he would have been part of the celebrations so try to celebrate in his happy memory - a little angel taken too soon xxxxxxxx ps my counsellor taught me this thing where when you are feeling completely overwhelmed by life / your emotions and your brain is whirling you just pause and ground yourself (feel your feet firmly on the floor) and take deep breaths and just be mindful of where you are and your breathing and it really works to calm you down! * and I really hope the wedding brings some joy to your life and you get your rainbow baba xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[bonniessis]

Wow! I haven't been on since my rant, thanks for all your lovely replies.
I see a councillor through the fertility clinic, she's lovely and let's me sit and moan about all the idiots I've come across since losing our boy, you'd be amazed at how inconsiderate some people can actually be, just want to slap some people and scream "think before you speak".
Our boy is going to be a big part of our day. We are by no means religious, but we are having a minister perform the ceremony. He's lovely, he came to the hospital after my son was born to do a little blessing on him and he did the funeral so it's nice that he's also doing the wedding. He'll mention our boy during the ceremony. We're also sewing stars from one of my boys outfits (he wore it in hospital) in to my dress and dh's shirt. We're also having Sands charity tins on the bar in the hopes that drunk people are more generous. I've got small photo frames on my flowers with his picture along side my grandma and uncle's photos. There are a few other bits and bobs, and random baby blue things like dh is having a baby blue ribbon on his button hole etc, none of which match the purple and grey/silver colour scheme but who cares about colours when we're doing it for our wee man!
Dh (to be) and I got tattoos done a couple of months ago, I have his handprint and "we'll hold you in heaven" with his name and date of birth on the inside of my arm. Dh has his footprints with name, date of birth and "some people dream of angels, we held one in our arms" over his heart. I'm about to add to mine with "Godspeed" and "precious child" which were his funeral songs.
Sorry this is turning into a long post again, just wanted to thank you all for your lovely comments, it really means a lot xx

 

[Oasis717]

Please don't apologise, I have to admit to reading through tears, I think what you're doing on your wedding day to include your little one is so beautiful, and the tattoos sound so special, I know time and life moves on even though it feels as if you're standing still but you are doing everything to keep your little one remembered and loved forever. Wishing you so much love xxxxxxxx

 

[Sunshine14]

Ahh Bonniessis glad to hear you are sounding a bit more upbeat. As Oasis says your wedding day sounds simply beautiful and will be a fitting tribute to your little angel in the sky and also sounds like a beautiful ceremony for you and your DH to be. Glad also that you are seeing a counsellor - you will never heal the pain in your heart from the death of your baby boy but time and talking to sympathetic people about it will help to make it easier to deal with and to live with your loss xx hope you have a lovely magical happy wedding day -- wishing you and your OH the best of luck and good fortune as you start your married life together xx

 

[bonniessis]

So just a little update, I got another bfp 9 days after the wedding and it keeps getting stronger (posa here). Even got a 3+ on cb conception this morning which although is perfectly on time for being 5+3 I really thought it would still say 2-3 given all the crappy reviews I've read on these tests (off topic but did you know the hcg required for a 3+ according to the clearblue PDF brochure is 20000, not 2000 as I read in most forums. No wonder these tests get crap reviews).
So, I've got my first scan at the fertility clinic on 8th oct (am) and midwife same day (pm) then start seeing my high risk consultant on 14th oct for another scan.
Geez I really hope this is a sticky bean! I think I might totally lose the plot altogether if this goes tits up!
Not sure if any of you lovely ladies will read this but after all your thoughtful comments i wanted you to know that we got an amazing wedding pressie (bfp) and had a wonderful wedding day, even managed to hold back tears until my brothers speech when he said how proud our little man would be of us, then that was me a wreck for a while, but although wee man wasn't there, we did what we could to include him and it all worked out amazingly.
Xxx

 

[Oasis717]

I'm so so thrilled and pleased for you, once again I was reading through tears xxxx your wedding day sounds beautiful and the bfp is the best present anyone could wish for, I'm over the moon for you and the fact that the tests are so strong is such a good sign, I hate those faint fading lines with chemicals, wishing you SO much luck for your scan, please come back with your good news and a pic? much love xxxxxxxx

 

[HopingCarter]

WOW Bonnie!! I cried, I stopped, I cried again, then I laughed at how funny God works. I know you're not religious but I am I do think that after seeing you persevere through so much, he is going to give you your hearts desire--to be a mommy to a healthy baby. Your story is so inspiring and I know this will be your sticky bean. Congratulations

 

[bonniessis]

Thanks ladies xxx

 

[Sunshine14]

So just a little update, I got another bfp 9 days after the wedding and it keeps getting stronger (posa here). Even got a 3+ on cb conception this morning which although is perfectly on time for being 5+3 I really thought it would still say 2-3 given all the crappy reviews I've read on these tests (off topic but did you know the hcg required for a 3+ according to the clearblue PDF brochure is 20000, not 2000 as I read in most forums. No wonder these tests get crap reviews).
So, I've got my first scan at the fertility clinic on 8th oct (am) and midwife same day (pm) then start seeing my high risk consultant on 14th oct for another scan.
Geez I really hope this is a sticky bean! I think I might totally lose the plot altogether if this goes tits up!
Not sure if any of you lovely ladies will read this but after all your thoughtful comments i wanted you to know that we got an amazing wedding pressie (bfp) and had a wonderful wedding day, even managed to hold back tears until my brothers speech when he said how proud our little man would be of us, then that was me a wreck for a while, but although wee man wasn't there, we did what we could to include him and it all worked out amazingly.
Xxx

So happy for you Bonnie that the wedding went well and you got such a fabspecial pressie with ur BFP xxxx happy and healthy 9 monhs to u hun -- ps my birthday is 14 October so hoping that is a good sign for u for a good scan on that day big hugs to u

 

[paradise]

bonniessis - I am so so happy for you...reading your story, you truly deserve this. Wishing you a very happy and healthy 9 months!

 

[bonniessis]

Little update for you ladies, had my scan at the fertility clinic today, everything looks perfect. Even bang on date wise! Also had my booking appointment with the midwife today, same midwife I had last time so didn't have to explain anything about my last pregnancy. The questions in the book are a bit stupid though... "At any point in the last month have I felt down or depressed?" Erm...hell yeah, that's been my daily routine for the last 7 months. Surely with hormones etc everyone feels down at some point in their pregnancy. Sorry, I'm having a rant but that question ended up with me in tears (and snot) being offered an appointment with a mental health midwife if I want one, told her not today but maybe tomorrow haha.
Next scan is Tuesday with the high risk consultant so will hopefully get him pinned down on my care plan, I already have a rough idea of how any pregnancy of mine will be handled from now on but just want to make sure he's gonna stick to what he promised. Not sure if I already mentioned this but I'll be seen by him (and only him) at 1-2 weekly appointments, a scan every couple of weeks or anytime I'm anxious, any testing I think might make me less anxious (GTT, LFT etc) and I'll be admitted at 32 weeks (or earlier if I want) for 4 hourly monitoring and steroids for the lungs. Planned c-section will be about 35+3 weeks, I know some people won't agree with this and if I hadn't already lost my boy I'd be all for "baby comes when it's ready and not before" but I really don't think I could handle getting to the dreaded 35+5 again, I'm selfishly willing to take a baby who might have a few problems due to prematurity then another dead baby. That would absolutely put me over the edge. Hopefully any living babies I have wont hate me for insisting that they be delivered early.
Anyway, what was meant to be a quick update and turned into a story again.
Thanks again for all your replies, you are all lovely x

 

[Oasis717]

What fantastic news about the scan! I'm so very very pleased, I don't know how anyone could disagree with delivery early with what you've been through, I totally and absolutely understand and I'd be doing exactly the same if it were me, I'm so glad you're being so well looked after, I really hope you keep coming back as I would love to follow your journey right to when you hold your beautiful lo in your arms lots luv xxxxx

 

[helloeveryone]

Don't feel bad for wanting to have your baby early..
Your wedding sounded lovely..keep us updated hopefully time will fly by for you and you will soon be holding your rainbow baby.xxx

 

[bonniessis]

Hey ladies, sorry I've not updated in a while. Figured I should maybe start a new thread in PAL. I've titled it bonniessis PAL updates if you'd still like to watch my progress. I hate reading forum threads where people say they'll be sure to update then never come back, it's like reading a book and the back pages are missing.
Anyway, that's where I'll be, hope to see you there x