5 months and still unsure

[marybitter]

Hello everyone,

I'm brand new to this website, and recently I've felt the need to find support from other teen mom-to-be's.

When I was young, I had so many aspirations for myself. Go to college, get a degree, find a job, travel the world and speak different languages, find me a man that I can love for the rest of my life and raise a family. I was raised a Christian and held myself to higher morals, up until college I had a goal to save myself until marriage.

That part didn't work out so well.

As you can see, this pregnancy happened to shake my world. My parents have been great, my boyfriend is optomistic and so is his family...

My dilemma is whether to raise or to give the child to another family. I don't have my degree, neither does my boyfriend and we live in Hawaii (EXPENSIVE). I was only with my boyfriend for 6 months when I found out I was pregnant (on my birthday too!) and honestly, I am not sure if him and I have what it takes to make it through raising a baby.

I understand "love is what is most important" but how can I create an environment of love and affection when the daddy and mommy are stressed about making ends meet as well as trying to still work on their relationship? My boyfriend can be immature at times, just like I can be, and our child deserves better than role models who don't know how to be role models (at least, ideal ones).

Plus we both had so many things we wanted to do before we settled down, we're not even ready to get married! How can two people like us make it work? I know we could be great parents, but there's no guarantee that in 10 years I won't be a single mother living with my parents.

I'm already 21 weeks....
Everyone seems to assume that we're keeping it, I cry everyday about being the "bad guy" for thinking adoption is the best choice.
I can't seem to talk to my boyfriend about it, him and his parents are so dead set on us keeping the baby.

I feel like if I make this choice, I will end up completely alone.

 

[Leah_xx]

Hi Hun!
Im leah I fell pregnant when i was 16 and a junior in high school
I am now 17 and a senior
I am currently 33 weeks and 2 days pregnant.
Giving your baby up for adoption doesnt make you a bad guy.

 

[AriannasMama]

Well its a very hard choice to make, and I dont really have any advice, but there is an adoption forum on this site too, they might be able to help but in the end, whatever you chose is what was best for you and baby.

 

[babybumpage]

You are a saint if you would be unselfish to help a family who is unable to have a family. This is a decision that will affect everyone, and it's a decision that should be made by everyone. You should explain to them you haven't fully explored your options and you feel you need to so in 10 years you can look back and know you made the right decision, whether it be to make another families dreams come true, or to raise the child yourself. There is nothing to feel bad about, but you should be honest with them now. The longer everyone gets attached, the harder it will be. I understand the cost of raising a child in Hawaii, as I have many friends there, and I can understand your reasoning. If you can't raise a child, then you have to find a family who can. But if money is the only reason, and your family is so willing and helpful, perhaps you should talk to them about this. Perhaps they will be able to provide the support you need while you go to school and pursue your dreams a bit more. Please look at all options, you are a great person no matter what option you choose.

 

[babybumpage]

I should also mention that I am not abdicating one way or another, this is not my decision , and in no way should my opinion be weighed in this at all, but I believe you should think long and hard and weigh all your options.

 

[Sophiiie]

welcome to the site :wave:
if you were to choose to give your baby up for adoption.. you would not be the "bad guy" you'd be giving a family that maybe can't have children of their own the chance to start a family. this decision is such a personal thing, and I can understand your concerns, but there's so many girls on here that have had children younger than they may have expected to (myself included - I always thought I wouldn't want a baby until I was in my mid-20's) but girls on here have young children & are currently starting university, even single mums, they really are an inspiration and they are proof that a baby doesn't stop you from achieving your life goals x

 

[MrsEngland]

I don't think that giving your baby up to a family that can't have a baby of their own makes you the bad guy at all. But you have to be totally happy with that choice before you finally decide and if you can sit down with your family and talk it over it will help look at all the options rather than trying to struggle through all this on your own, especially when you are 5 months pregnant and us pregnant girls can be hormonal at the best of times.
You need to explain to them how YOU feel and that you want whats best for you and your baby.
Either way hun i hope you come to a decision that you are happy with.

 

[hopeandpray]

As a mother this is your first big decision. alot of people aren't strong enough to handle adoption but it sounds like you are. what would be best for the baby? first off,i'm sure you can do it. most mothers can even if it's a constant struggle. it's just a question of what kind of a life a baby would have with you compared to with adoptive parents. The best of luck eith your decision don't let anyone pressure you either way

 

[marybitter]

thank you all,
it really helps to have support from other women that have experienced all the emotional struggles..

I'll keep trying to be open to both paths.
All I really want is for my boyfriend to show me that he CAN handle being a father as well as a husband (possibly).
Sometimes it feels like I'd have to be a mother to two kids... haha

 

[MrsEngland]

Lol no matter how old a man gets its like having two kids my hubby is 26 and i still do everything for him pretty much!

 

[Tanara]

Just wanted to add the point that for most guys a baby isn't a baby until it's born. They dont have the emotional bond we do with the baby during pregnancy.

 

[lovetaralyn]

I just wanted to say that the fact that you're even considering adoption because you are looking at the entire picture and the long run definitely shows you are not "the bad guy." I think what makes a mother, is a woman who makes the best decision for her child out of love, and that's what you're trying to do.

 

[driavee]

I understand how you feel in a way... my boyfriend wants to give up our baby for adoption... I want to keep it. but i feel like if i keep it he'll leave. He only shows me hes ready for a baby some days, other days hes sleeping late or playing video games

 

[babybumpage]

OK, I have to share one more piece of information. I too have been in your shoes. I walked down the line of being pregnant at 17. I was pressured beyond belief to end the pregnancy by my parents. They didn't want anyone to know and completely cut me off from everyone I know. They got to the point where they would take me to school, and pick me up, so I couldn't talk to anyone before or after school. That pressure pushed me to want to keep the child. I mc at 12 weeks, and my parents forced the relationship with the father to end. I was not allowed any contact with him at all. I kept thinking "oh, he's the one, my entire life is ruined" but I went to college and during my first year, I called my ex and asked him to visit me for a week. He came to my college, and spent a week there. There was nothing, no spark, nothing. We ended it for good, and we have both gone different paths. I know he now has a little boy, and is not married, although I think he may be engaged. I am happily married, and living the life of my dreams, one I never could have imagined having. All except... we are having problems getting pregnant (go figure right?) So please think about everything. I do look back and think what if, but then I look at who and what I have, knowing I worked for all of it. Would it have worked out if I didn't mc, maybe, maybe not. I do know that making that decision would have been my choice, because that guy can leave at any minute, with no notice, and there is nothing you can do about it. Sure you can get child support, or you can force visitation, but it's not going to make anything better for you or the child. So make the decision with you and the child in mind. If you say "I can do this if he stays" then you are taking a gamble, because he can say now he'll stay, and leave, or he can leave, and come running back. If what you are looking for is him to say he can handle being a father or a husband, you might be looking for an answer that doesn't really matter in the long run. The question is, are YOU able to handle it, and can you live with your decision. And by the way, if he leaves because you kept a child, he wasn't really worth your time. If he leaves because the child is adopted out, then it might be a risk you have to take, because your -main- focus is now on the child. Remember your priorities, they should be 1. child, 2. you 3. him. At least in my head that's how the priorities should go! Good luck!

 

[EmyDra]

You are amazing for considering adoption.

I thought about adoption for the first few months. It's a wonderful thing, I just know that I couldn't do it

I'd always knew I wanted to be a mum, and I guess, who knows? This could be my only chance. I just know I couldn't give my baby away...I'd think about him or her every day I lived...

I admire you for being able to consider this. You're a stronger woman than I am.

Despite not being with my FOB he has said he would also want to take the baby and raise it as a single father, if something happened to me. So it would more likely end up with him than up for adoption.

 

[EmandBub]

aww honey
first thing, I'm going to give you a virtual hug
i know it's hard..
& all of this is stressful, but you have to believe that everything will turn out in the end
wanting to give your child the best life possible doesn't make you the bad guy!
it makes you that amazing mother who cared more about her child's well being then her own!
when I first found out I was pregnant, I considered adoption.
I just realised it wasn't for me
but it doesn't mean that it's not a good option!

I just say, think long and hard, because I'd hate for you to make a decision you'll regret
raising a baby is hard and stressful and time consuming and financially draining
but I hear it's rewarding

we're all here for you hon
xx

oo, & welcome to BnB
xx

 

[mayb_baby]

Hi Hun! :wave: Welcome to B&B

I’m Lorna I fell pregnant when i was 18 and I was doing my A Levels
I am now 19 and I have my grades and a place next year in university
I am 26weeks pregnant tomorrow with my beautiful baby boy who is due December 21st

Giving your baby up for adoption is a very selfless act and don’t feel guilty or bad if this is your decision xxx

 

[marybitter]

Lol no matter how old a man gets its like having two kids my hubby is 26 and i still do everything for him pretty much!

Tell me about it!
hahah I do really love him, it's just that he can be so whiny sometimes.

 

[marybitter]

I understand how you feel in a way... my boyfriend wants to give up our baby for adoption... I want to keep it. but i feel like if i keep it he'll leave. He only shows me hes ready for a baby some days, other days hes sleeping late or playing video games

I understand what it's like to be on opposite sides of the fence with your loved one...

It can be so hard, and you are so attached to the baby already, I think that you really have to think hard about the baby and about you. In the end, you have to come to terms with all the worst outcomes.
If you think that you can manage and be happy as a single mother, then don't back down from your willingness to keep the baby. Just as long as you are understanding of your boyfriend's concerns and different perspective. Once he sees that baby and feels it kicking, I think he might grow to be attached as well.
Also, what is best for your child? Good luck to you darlin, my hopes and prayers are with you.

 

[marybitter]

First off, thank you to everyone who posted here.
You all have been a huge help to me and it's so good to have encouragement.

Whenever I speak about adoption to my friends, I feel like a majority of them are sad and disappointed that I would "give him away."
But I believe that an open adoption would give me the chance for him to know me and know that I loved him very much.
It's really hard though, I'm getting even more hormonal and everytime he kicks me (which is every time I sit still!) and everytime I see a happy mother with her child I want to cry and say "forget everything, I'm going to keep him."
I wish I could see what his life and my life would be like depending on both paths.

It's even worse that one of my coworkers buys me little blue booties and blue jackets and a teddy bear for him, I want to cry.
I love him so much, I just know he's going to have the most obnoxious personality from his father and me.
I wish I could hold him.
Everyday I grapple with the decision, everyday I wonder if I can do it.

Thank you all so much again.
I'll keep updating