:'(

[Alauras]

Te relationship between my partner and I has been strained sincewe lost our son 4 weeks ago at only 20 weeks and 3 days ( seems like a lifetime ago and yet like it happened just yesterday )
does anyone have advice on how to help us get through this without fighting all the time?
I'm dealing with my emotions aswell as trying to be there for him.
Can anyone help?

 

[mhazzab]

I'm really sorry you are having to deal with this, as well as your loss.

Before we even left the hospital after me giving birth, we were warned that it was likely that our relationship would be strained as a result of this. Apparantly it's quite normal, people grieve in different ways and to different timescales, and sometimes that can cause friction.

Is there something in particular that you keep fighting about? Have you tried sitting down together, with no distractions, to discuss honestly how you feel about what has happened, and how the other person's behaviour makes you feel? I don't really have any advice, other than make sure you keep talking and talking until you understand how each other is feeling, and why you keep fighting.

I hope find peace with this soon, it is very draining when you are also grieving xxxx

 

[Nikki_d72]

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you are fighting. I can't really give you much advice except to say that men and women often greive differently and greif can come in the form of anger. As you are the closest to each other, unfortunately that anger can be directed towards each other. Have you spoken to him about this? Is there any specific thing that triggers the fights, or just everyday stuff? I'm hoping if there is a pattern then you may be able to recognise it and change it.

I hope you can find a way to stop it and lean on each other for comfort during this awful time. xxx

 

[Hellylou]

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my boy 4 weeks ago too, and I know exactly what you mean about the strain in the relationship afterwards.

At first we were inseparable - I think the depth of the grief was about the same for us both then, and we clung to each other for support, but as the weeks went on, the grief cycle changed for us, and it caused friction when we just weren't on the same page any more. We ended up fighting, and I felt that the relationship was in real danger - we've been married nearly 13 years, and I thought this tragedy might destroy it.

Things have improved a lot in the last week, and I think the reason for that is that we sat down and had a long talk about it and came to the conclusion that the fighting wasn't a sign our relationship was in trouble, it was just the grief. That might sound a bit simplistic, but to know that you are both grieving and that the fighting isn't about your relationship, but a symptom of a deeper hurt inside you, kind of helps to rationalise the tension a bit. As soon as we knew we still loved each other, we were just dealing with it all in different ways, it helped. I now make sure I bite my tongue when I'm annoyed and don't snipe at him, and he makes sure he gives more hugs and shows more affection when he sees me looking upset, instead of avoiding it.

It's different for everyone but I think when you both acknowledge what's happening and why, it helps you deal with it.

 

[kam78]

Hi Sweetie!

I just wanted you to know, you guys are NOT alone .... I think this is very common. We was also sat down and told that Emma's loss can have a negative impact on our relationship but at the time we just looked at each other and immediately shook our heads, thinking no way...

At first, we was inseperable... In fact, felt as if we gotten closer if that was even possible.. Before we lost Emma, we had an amazing relationship so we just couldn't imagine what they was talking about.... Well, about 4 weeks out.... Man, did things change!!! We no longer was on the same page... I was still devastated, couldn't do anything and he was getting up everyday and going to work as if nothing in the world happened... I now know, he was still devasted as well, just shows and functions differently....

One piece of advice I'd give would be ......Communication....

That is totally what saved us... We just had to start being very real and honest with how we was thinking, what we was thinking, our concerns, how each other was making the other feel.... Once we started doing that, WOW... Big difference...

I know you two will be fine, grief is a ugly monster that turns lives upside down... Just continue to love each other and try to be a lil understanding of your partner.... I know with me personally... My big lesson I had to learn was, Bill didn't grieve like I did and that was ok... Since he wasn't crying, upset, sad all the time, I was feeling like Emma wasn't a big deal to him, and boy was I wrong... So, I have to remind myself that he deals differently and it's OK ....

 

[Nikki_d72]

Wow, I've just remembered that wee also had a few huge fights a few weeks after our loss, where I even said I thought we should split up. God, how could I have forgotten that already? Must be blocking things out more than I thought. I was quite nasty and so was he and it hurt all the more because we had been so close straight after losing the boys and we were hurting so much still. Anyway, it came to a head and we ended up talking about things a lot more (after some sulking) and it really helped - he started to show me affection more and I realised that he was bottling things up so it would bubble over in other ways. Things have been so much better since.

Just thought I'd add this as my last post read as though this hadn't happened to us and it did. It seems it's pretty common.

Hoping you have a good talk and get through it hon xxx

 

[kiki04]

Our relationship went to pure SHIT after our loss. It was how we grieved. I will admit it was mostly me and he was trying so hard to figure this new me out that he kept see,ming more and more of an ass to me cuza nothing he could do was right in my eyes. Tension was high for awhile but it is better now... also my hormones regulated again back to pre-preg state and I can think more level headed, plus I had a ton of great support to help me get through it

:hugs

 

[Cassie10]

So sorry you are going through this.

I think like others have said communication is really the most important thing. My husband and I are both really bad at holding things in and trying to act like everything is ok when really we are devastated inside. It would reach a point where eventually it would all come out.

It was mostly me honestly... I went through more anger then anything. I was so mad at everything all the time! My husband just wasn't used to that. I was always a happy, bubbly person and now I had turned into this angry, miserable person.

We finally just sat down with each other after a fight and let everything out. We both cried and I realized how much he was actually hurting from it. My husband just felt that he had to stay strong for me. He didn't want to upset me anymore then I already was. He still does this now but he will actually let me know when he is experiencing feelings as well.

So after all this rambling the point I'm trying to make is just be understanding of each others feelings and try to talk about it without getting angry.

I truly hope things get better for you hun!

 

[glbell920]

I'm sorry you are going through this but like everyone has said this is apparently just a part of the grieving process. My husband and I are in marital counseling right now because of it. He really just can't understand the depth of my pain and I feel like he just doesn't care to understand or be there for me. I've come to accept that he didn't bond with Gavin like I did and therefore may not be in as much pain as I am but the LEAST he could be is sympathetic, sensitive and supportive to help me through this difficult time. I learned through counseling that he does care but he just doesn't always know how to be there for me (what to say or do) so he elects to do nothing at all (the worse thing he could do). He thinks just because he doesn't see me crying all the time or just because I'm getting around and out of the house that I'm fine and over it. I think....how can you expect me to be over it??? Apparently it's just how they are wired. We are doing better this week but their was certainly a notable strain. Try not to assume that he just doesn't care. Give him the benefit of doubt that he just doesn't know how to process what you are going through. He may not be able to handle his grief and yours at the same time.