9 year old out of control... HELP!!!!

[GalvanBaby]

I hardly ever post on here, but I am having a major problem with my 9 year old son. Sorry about the long post.

A little background:

We just moved to a new city. We moved in one block from my mother in law. All of my nieces and nephews are around on the weekend. DS has always had a little issue with getting in trouble. He is homeschooled now, but when he was in school, he always got notes sent home for fighting or not following directions. I have always had to put him in time out for not listening or picking on his sister. I thought the home problems were normal for any kid, but now it has escalated in a matter of a week from this to way out of control. He has started trying to hang out with his 14 year old cousin. I am constantly telling him no, but I work from home and there are moments when I am working and don't realize he is with his cousin. He told me the other day that he was going to start cleaning up better and fixing his hair so he could get a girlfriend. I told him he is too young for a girlfriend.

Well, he has started throwing rocks and trying to pick on older kids who are very mean. I have grounded him and explained that they are very mean and they will not care how old he is if and when they see him alone, but he doesn't listen. Yesterday, he threw a rock at this kid’s bike and hit it. The kid told him to stop and he did it again. The kid told him he better watch out and he will get him when he is alone. I found out about this because my DD told me. This all happened in my front yard. I don't allow them out of the yard when I am working. My MIL told me he was posing for pictures with a girl and trying to hug up on her when she was watching him. She said that she made him go in the house and put him in time out. I have confronted him about all of this, but he says it is not true.

I am to the point that I don’t know what to do. I have grounded, yelled, and cried. Nothing has worked. I am so scared that these kids are going to catch him alone and really hurt him. They are 13-15 and are really mean. He thinks that hi 14 year old cousin will defend him, but he won’t. I have told him and told him. I am event thinking about sending him to live with my mom in the State because I am so scared he is going to get hurt here.

Anybody have any advice.

 

[seoj]

I prob have no great advise hun- I can imagine that must be a very frustrating situation for you and your son. It does seem like there is much more going on that just some normal boy stuff though. Almost like he doesn't get or care about the consequences that may form from his actions (?) That would be my biggest worry personally. Like you said- you worry he may get hurt by these older kids for treating them this way.

Have you sat him down and really talked about why he feels this is Ok? Even at 9yrs, he is perfectly capable of expressing his thoughts and feelings- even if they are a bit jumbled, at least it might give you better insight as to WHY he's acting out like this. If, like you mentioned, he's always has this type of temperment- then most of what's going on in just who he is- but environment can play a big role as well. And just moving, may have kind put him over the edge a bit for now- if that makes sense.

Personally- I would start by finding a time to calmly talk about what is going on. No punishment for how he feels- and allowing him to be totally honest with you. Then go from there- maybe some things will come to light? Maybe he needs to see a counselor or maybe even going as a family might help you to better understand what's going on, and give you toold to help aid in the process. My SD saw a counselor for years- because of issues with her bio-mom, and it honestly helped her a ton- not just her, but us in helping to better understand her emotions and why she acted certain ways, and how we could help her and in turn ourselves.

I do hope things settle soon- and I'm guessing part of the issue is he doesn't really understand what could happen to him if he continues to act out in this way. But consistent consequences for his behavior and remaining calm and clear with boundaries and rules, in time, should help. Maybe set up a reward system for when he is being good or doing as asked. So your encouraging the good behavior etc... best of luck hun!

 

[alicecooper]

Has he always been like this? When did you notice a problem?

 

[GalvanBaby]

I talked to him right after I posted this. he said that he is just playing and there is nothing wrong or anything. Then he said that he misses his dad.

His dad and I have been divorced for 7 years. He was a great dad even after the divorce up until he started dating his present wife. This happened right after DS started school. About a few months afterwards, he started acting out, but not as bad. The teachers at school thought it was due to him being so smart. he has taken the gifted test and passed with flying colors. His intelligence is way above the average child his age. So, I passed it off as that. It slacked down some after they started giving him more challenging work, but at the same time his dad started being around more.

About 2 year ago, we moved to Mexico. We agreed with his dad that the kids would spend as much time with him as they want since the are homeschooled. He would just have to meet me halfway to get them. That would have meant a 12 hour drive for him and me as well.

Immediately after we moved, he quit calling and would not receive calls from the kids. We went to visit family 6 months after I moved. The kids stayed the summer with their grandparents, 30 minutes form their dad. I called him and left a message that they were there. He never came. Right before I returned to get them, he called and wanted to see them. he set up with my mom that he would go the next Friday. I arrived on Wednesday and called him. he answered and promised he was coming. He never showed. The kids were devastated. On DS's Bday, I sent him a message if he was going to at least send a gift or acknowledgement of his bday. He sent back a message saying he didn't have any kids. (The kids do not know this)

The kids have constantly off and on asked to find him in the past 18 months. When they ask, I call his sister or his old number. They know I have no way to find him until we are in the States and I can go to his house. I think this may be bothering him now; and it be a delayed reaction to this.

My husband loves him as his own son and tries to give him the attention and they get along great. I just think, he wants his Daddy though.

I am going to have to find a counselor that can help him here in Mexico. He speaks Spanish, but the problem will be finding a competent one.