A good lesson: never advice anybody to plan for a baby fast

[lillyttc]

hi,
Just wanted to share something, and i dont find anybody to share my feelings. I had struggled for about 4 years before i saw my much awaited BFP, and i realised that having/planning a baby is not quite in our hands. One of my close friends was having PCOS and had other problems which are considered precursors for female fertility problems. When she was getting married to her ideal companion, i had adviced her (when she was 28) to start TTC soon and told her our experience. Unfortunately she was knocked within 6 months ( having taken my sincere advice seriously ). She is now angry on me that i ill adviced her about early TTC when she wasnt ready about it at all and feel that she should have waited for a year or so atleast to have good time and have fun in life. She seems to blame be for the advice i gave based on my bad experience.

I rather feel really hurt when she ended up saying that I was really lucky that i got soo much time (due to late BFP) but i pushed her into early trouble. I feel really pathetic and some how feel really dipressed. I think i would never again tell anybody about my experience and especially never tell anybody to have a baby at all. I feel really depressed. Wish our lucks could have got exchanged.

Sorry for such a loong post, thanks for reading.

 

[Princess Lou]

Hey.

Don't beat yourself up about it.

At the end of the day, you gave advice on your own experience, you didn't force her to do anything.

If you took her birth control away from her then I could understand where she is coming from, but you didn't. She has to take responsibility for her own actions. Surely she knows that not everyone has issues and the sensible thing would have been for her to go to her doctor and tell a little white lie saying she had been trying for over a year and nothing happened and get the tests done.

NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!

She'll thank you I'm sure once her child is born.

Happy thoughts. X

 

[lillyttc]

I took the initiative to advice her only because i knew she had PCOS and thyroid related problems.
But feel really stupid now. She telling me that I am really lucky for not having my BFP for so long was just unimaginable.

 

[cartaw]

When we first got married, another couple who were never able to have children advised us to start trying right away, because the younger the better (we were both a little older due to law/medical school). My husband said that was their experience and it doesn't mean it will be ours. We waited three years to start ttc because he wanted our time. Now, here we are a year of trying and still no baby.

My point is is two fold (1) everyone has their own mind and can make their own decisions (we did, given the same advice) and (2) I wish I would have taken their advice.

You shouldn't feel bad. You're just relating your life experience. And you might have actually helped that girl, b/c who knows, if she waited a while, it might not have been as easy for her to get pregnant if she has health problems.

If she's going to behave like that, maybe you should limit contact with her. You don't need that kind of childish, negative attitude when you are trying to conceive. She's not even thinking about how her awful comments may affect you. Hang in there.

 

[Princess Lou]

After knowing your experience, the fact that she said that was unforgivable.

She may calm down and come to you apologizing for such an insensitive remark, the question then is, can you forgive her or has she done the unforgivable?

You did what you thought was the best thing for her, you shouldn't feel bad or be punished for passing on your knowledge.

X

 

[wantingagirl]

oh my gosh thats a terrible thing to say, you were being a friend. Ive been TTC for 2 years and one loss later what wouldnt I give to have a BFP and healthy baby. You didnt make her have sex, she did that and usually PCOS can cause issues with getting pregnant in my eyes she is lucky and shame on her for talking about her unborn child in that way. I dont mean to be mean but there is so many people including you that so wants and wanted to get pregnant I bet you she will feel awful once her baby is born

xxx

 

[wantingagirl]

After knowing your experience, the fact that she said that was unforgivable.

She may calm down and come to you apologizing for such an insensitive remark, the question then is, can you forgive her or has she done the unforgivable?

You did what you thought was the best thing for her, you shouldn't feel bad or be punished for passing on your knowledge.

X

I agree

 

[LizMcD]

What a terrible thing to say to you! Esp after 4 yrs ttc, she should be more considerate!!

You should be sharing this experience together, not falling out.

A friend of mine advised her husband of the same thing, that it could take months/years, so they started ttc before they wanted to - 1 month later they were pregnant with twins!! Of course now, its the best thing that ever happened to them.

I think your friend should be more grateful - a) for a being pregnant!! and b) for a friend like you

xx

 

[lillyttc]

thanks a lot for ur responses. Feelings really good, was in a terrible start after having this chat with her today. Feeling much much better now after reading your responses.

 

[MariaF]

I don't think Id call her a friend after that!!! What she said was aweful! And I seriously can't believe she's UNHAPPY about a BFP!

Something similar happened to me. A "friend" who knew we are TTC and I am desperate to get pregnant got pregnant in February. She had 2 earl m/c before that although they've not been trying anywhere near as long as us.

So we shared our feelings and emotions and I honestly thought she must undertand how I feel.

The she told me she got her BFP and absolutely hated the pregnancy symptoms, especially the morning sickness!! She then said she was jealous of m "carefree" state and told me to enjoy it!!

I mean, really?! I would give anything for morning sickness and other "beauties" of pregnancy just to know I am havng a baby!

I haven't spoken to her since - she tried to contact me 3 times since then. Finall yesterday I replied and told her how I felt. She just said she also has enough problems and pregnancy is not all a bed of roses so I shouldn't be over-reacting!!! WTF?!
I know pregnancy is not a bed of roses - but you are HAVING A BABY! And that's worth suffering for!!

So if I were you I would ignore her...if you can't, please explain to her how hurtful you find her comments and how lucky she is to fall so quickly! You gave her advice from the bottom of your heart and millions of women would kill to be in her position!!

Oh, and congrats on your BFP

 

[lillyttc]

That what I wrote to her: that she was responsible for her decisions and that she took my advice seriously only because she had enough reasons to think that she might have problems concieving. I wrote her how i feel that she is bestowed something that i feel she doesnt deserve.

 

[a1b2c3]

Wow. I couldn't not respond to this post. I got so angry just reading it.

Let me start off by saying how brave I think you are and how much I admire you. I have been ttc for over a year and it has been the hardest year of my life. I have at times felt very depressed so hats off to you for coping for four years although now doubt it was difficult for you.

Secondly, I have often felt like a failure, like my body isn't doing what it was designed to do. I have felt very ashamed to the point where I did not talk about it ( Although through this forum I am finding strength). I think it is great that you were Able to speak so openly about your experience to your friend. That you were mind enough to express your feelings because you didn't want her to feel like you had. I think that was so brave of you and I honestly do not think I could bring myself to have that conversation with someone, not yet anyways.

The point is, don't feel bad about being truthful and giving advice. I would love to have a friend as open as you. If your friend can't see that and is also bloody rude enough to be so negative then I honestly think sod her! You don't need people like that. So please don't feel bad.

And also congrats on your pregnancy.

 

[Armywife84]

Hell, if that was my friend then I'd tell her to off and wish her a horrible 9 months.

It's not like you forced her to get pregnant. What an ignorant twit!

All you were doing was advising her, because in your experience (many on here) it takes time to become pregnant with PCOS...you were just being a friend by potentially warning her of what she may face.

That woman DOES NOT deserve to call herself a mother. I HATE, HATE those who don't want their ...because there's always someone who will gratefully trade places with her.

 

[mg80]

*

 

[Soili]

I really wish someone would have advised it to me. No, wait, to my husband. I was ready for kids pretty much as soon as we got married, but he wanted to wait. I did try to explain about fertility issues but apparently every single friend he knows managed to knock a girl up on first month trying, so he was sure it would be a piece of cake. Now he's more than ready and I'm not ovulating. Fun how it plays out, isn't it?

I also really wish the doctor I was seeing had tested me for PCOS when the scan showed PCO. Or at least explained it to me what it might mean. I was told that everything will be peachy once I go on the pill. I lived 7 years thinking PCO was cured and I would have no issues getting pregnant.

My honest opinion, your friend is plain stupid for blaming you for the telling her your story. If she didn't start trying now, she might have had an awful time trying later, PCOS does get worse as time goes by. But unfortunately, she'll never know.

And dude, seriously, did you hold a gun to her head or something? She's unable to think for herself a bit and make her own decisions??

 

[NavyWife84]

Lilly,

Just wanted to add my two cents here. I WISH WISH WISH I had a wonderful friend like you to have given me this advice before I got married. Every day I regret not TTC sooner because it's been 13 months now and still no BFP. If I had known that this happens to so many people then I definitely would've come off BCP years ago. If I fell sooner than I expected and I wasn't ready for it then so what. I don't think mentally you ever feel "ready" to have a child, you just take the plunge.

Incidentally, I wonder how your friend would've felt if on the other hand you didn't tell advise her to try sooner and then she ended up going through this nightmare of infertility? I'm sure she would be far more upset over that than having a baby after only 6 months of trying?! My personal opinion is that she is an ungrateful cow! I would DIE to be able to get pregnant after just 6 months, especially with complications like PCOS, she should be ecstatic about her miracle not moaning that she caught too soon!!

Mrs.G said exactly what I was thinking. My family all gave me the opposite advice...wait a while, enjoy each other's company, etc. We waited until our 2 year anniversary to ttc and just celebrated our 3 year anniversary without a lo. We are both in our upper 20s and wanted babies by our mid 20s but didn't try b/c everyone else told us to wait. I thought by waiting that I was doing the responsible thing. I wish I had someone who had been ltttc to explain to me that it isn't always as easy as it seems. Shame on your "friend" for being upset with you for her decision and being an ungrateful b-word! She should be greatful for such a good friend and she should be grateful for being blessed so quickly with a baby!

 

[cooch]

hi,
Just wanted to share something, and i dont find anybody to share my feelings. I had struggled for about 4 years before i saw my much awaited BFP, and i realised that having/planning a baby is not quite in our hands. One of my close friends was having PCOS and had other problems which are considered precursors for female fertility problems. When she was getting married to her ideal companion, i had adviced her (when she was 28) to start TTC soon and told her our experience. Unfortunately she was knocked within 6 months ( having taken my sincere advice seriously ). She is now angry on me that i ill adviced her about early TTC when she wasnt ready about it at all and feel that she should have waited for a year or so atleast to have good time and have fun in life. She seems to blame be for the advice i gave based on my bad experience.

I rather feel really hurt when she ended up saying that I was really lucky that i got soo much time (due to late BFP) but i pushed her into early trouble. I feel really pathetic and some how feel really dipressed. I think i would never again tell anybody about my experience and especially never tell anybody to have a baby at all. I feel really depressed. Wish our lucks could have got exchanged.

Sorry for such a loong post, thanks for reading.

Sorry but what an ungrateful person. She really doesn't know how lucky she is. Do not take her seriously. It was her decision and her choice to make you cannot be held responsible for her own actions. I would stay clear of her until she comes to you.

 

[TeddyBearPug]

I wish i would have had a friend like you to give me some friendly advice a few years ago! I don't know if i would have taken it at the time, but it would have given me alot to think about and i would have made that decision on my own. I now wish i would have started ttc a long time ago!! But we are all adults and make our own decisions. For all your friend knows, if she hadn't listened to you, she may have spent years ttc later on down the road...so my point is, you just never know. But you were being a good friend and she is not.