a word of warning to you girlies who's ex doesn't care/comes and goes whenever

[MummyMummy]

my ex when we split up would just come and go, no contact inbetween, no set days nothing. soon enough baby (he's now 3) would be waking up at night, not taking his feeds, not his usual happy self etc etc. so i stopped his dad from seeing him (that was after several times of asking him to make proper set days and times arrangements etc etc) baby settled down after that and then a letter came from solicitors telling me how exs feels baby would bennefit greatly from a relationship with him blah de blah. so set days were then arranged. tue and sat (11am-4/5pm), i asked if each other sat we could have him so that me and mr.man had some family time with baby (he works fulltime weekends are the only time off) and could we arrange another day, that was ok'd by ex but never heard anything more re: making up days/hours. this is the same daddy who's had several gf's since me and him split... each one him wanting to introduce/have around the baby although they was ok he wasn't that into them to quote. all i can think is thank god that he didn't do it with every one of them, having even more people in and out of babys life

past few weeks-months baby had been asking for his daddy/when he'd see him and after phoning ex he wouldn't answer/get back in touch all we'd hear from him would be night before he was due to see him saying 'what time am i having *sons name* and where am i picking him up?' that was it. then 3year old started talking/debating with himself saying 'i love my daddy? noooo i love my daddy? nooo' and 'i see my daddy? nooo i see my daddy nooo?' after telling this to ex and literally begging/pleading/shouting at him to just please make more of an effort - even a phone call just to keep up with the baby he agreed... yet no extra effort/calls/visits were forth coming, and then the visits slowly tapering away, baby started school a month ago, the only time ex has had baby in that time he had him from 1pm-4.30pm and that was it. no effort with phonecalls or to make the time up etc etc last weekend he text 'what's happening with baby?' so i sent a text back asking what had happened with the last few weeks visits, to which i got no reply, that was last sat. i received no call/text about the tuesday visit. i finally got in touch with health visitor after not knowing what else to do, a week or so ago. she phoned back today and said from what you've said without saying anymore i'll tell you now that it's because his daddy comes and goes and he's having anxiety issues. faaabulous!

health visitor is coming out to assess baby week after next, in mean time she has told us to not mention daddy and if daddy is brought up to be honest without being harsh and say something along the lines of 'we don't know where daddy is right now, but he wont be around for a while' and to give him lots of extra love and cuddles and take him out to like the park/mc donalds/other type 'treat' places. basically over compensate. she said by doing this would also take away the baby saying about random blokes with hats and/or beards 'that's my daddy mummy?'

i'm assuming we with the help of health visitor will work together and get my son into a better frame of mind re: daddy and then the ex will toddle off to his solicitors and give 'em the spiele of how he's a great dad and his son will bennefit from a relationship with him... then things will work fine for a while until he decides playing daddy isn't all that fun and again we will be back to square one with a disrupted lil baby *sigh*

so a word of warning to you girlies who's ex doesn't care and comes and goes whenever to becarful and don't let them take the piss, because it's the child at the end of the day that WiLL suffer, no matter what YOU do if the dad doesn't show an interest/keep up appearances then it's a loosing battle. my son is proof of it don't keep letting the ex do it, i did - giving him chance and chance after chance and bennefits of the doubt time and time again because i wanted him and 3year old to have a good relationship as it's important to the baby but it didn't do any good

xXx

 

[xarlenex]

I believe that it does mess with the child, sorry your baby had to go through that

Kyles dad takes him, but usually coz he's not had him a week, and I'll call him and see when he wants to have him. He doesn't ever make the first move.
Since we split he has suffered from depression so im just hoping when he gets over that the situation will get better.

 

[MummyMummy]

i thought i was doing the right thing though, trying to keep that contact going - pushing and pushing for them to be closer, speaking/shouting/asking/begging ex - giving him the chance to make it up to the baby time and time again, instead of just stopping it straight away how wrong was i? :\

my ex when we split and he went to solicitors later told my grandparents (not me) that he had had a 'breakdown' so weather that has anything to do with his visits dwindling idon't know? of course i wont know if nobody tells me. as much as i think depression is an illness, you have to put your child 1st and he knows baby has been distressed over past while

there's only so many times you can make all the effort, it's a 2 sided thing isn't it?

xXx

 

[xarlenex]

It sure is. Theres been plenty times i've wanted to lose it and scream at him, but I know im better than that. He's trying a new lot of anti-depressants and if he doesn't get his act together then i'm going to be a hell of a lot more strict.

John, Kyles dad, just can't seem to put his son before his feelings for me, which drives me nuts. He says he sometimes can't bare to look at him because he justs see's me, but thats not Kyle's fault!!

 

[DizzyMoo]

MummyMummy i did the same as you hun , I thought my son needs his daddy & i could never understand why his daddy now called " spermdonor " wasn't interested but yet worshipped his older daughter. He used to make arrangements & wouldn't turn up leaving my son heartbroke & me time & time again to pick up the pieces & try explain daddy was busy or working or was sorry etc. it also started to mess me up i became ill, run down & super stressed & was taking it out on everyone including my son which upset me.
His daddy had girlfriend after girlfriend, nights out & money ..i was stuck at home on my own with no money, no friends no social life & struggling to make ends meet to the point i went without food & new things in order to buy for my son. Anyway i started getting stronger & started saying no to him when he asked for his son knowing he wouldnt turn up anyway, or he would go get drunk with him & i got fed up of seeing my son hurting. So i stopped it , 3 or 4 mths went by & id relent & give his dad a chance to prove himself 1st visit was fine then it started all over again. I relented about 5 times then finally said no more in feb this year when my son came home telling me he had big balls & mummy had big boobies all courtesy of his dad. I also had met my boyf & he was practically living here & seeing the shit i had to put up with this helped make me more determined to say no, as i had help & someone to talk to. Seeing how my boyf treated my son like his very own made me upset at 1st that his own dad couldnt do it but then i changed & loved my boyf so much more & hated my sons bio more & more. He no longer sees his dad & since feb his dad has asked once to see him making my choice to stop contact the right one.
I agreed to have my boyfs baby as he is desp to be a dad & i know he will be a super daddy & i felt i finally had what i wanted someone who loved me & my son. Little did i know he would go off the rails & abandon us too, I'm hoping this is just a really bad patch as i love him dearly & dont want yet another baby with a part time daddy.

But anyway it was the best move i ever did stopping my son seeing his bio , he is no longer a nasty child, no longer hard work, doesn't get angry, learns quicker & is coming on leaps & bounds. So having both bio parents is not always best