Absolutely Fuming! (Sorry Kinda Long)

[bumphenders]

My son has no father now. I am done. I can't take no more.

Basically, he has been a tit from day one, its a long story how we weren't really together etc.

Anyways, after a lot of hassle we sorted things out. I agreed to let him see Elliot 3 times a week at my house...anyway, things we're ok, I told him I wasn't going to talk to him unless it was in relation to Elliot.

Elliot is due in about 3 month so this is our most recent conversation.

Me: Can we talk about how much money you can give me for Elliot please?
Him: No
Me: Why?
Him: Cos
Me: Do you plan on giving me any money for him?
Him: If I can afford it I will
Me: Well he is due in 3 month... I need to know if you'll be helping me out or not?
Him: Don't go on I said I will help if I can.
Me: And when will you know this?
Him: Not sure

So I explained that I would go through the CSA and if I did that it would be worse for him...(But a longer version)

And then he replied telling me It would be worse for me because he is a full time student and he is a carer for a family member (only doing this so he can get out of paying for his other 2 kids!) so Elliot and his other 2 boys will have to share the £5 a month he pays to the CSA!

To which I flipped at. I've had enough and I told him he can explain himself to our son when he goes looking for him when he is 18 because I can't deal with all the stress.

Then he said Fine bye.

So I said how its pretty sad that he couldn't give a fuck about Elliot & that he is a pathetic excuse for a father.

So because I want whats best for my son he then went on to tell me I'm a stupid immature brat who because I havent got my own way i have thrown my toys out the pram and that i'm a muppet and have to 'jog on'


I feel so bad for telling him Elliot will find him when he is 18 if he wants to, but I can't deal with the stress anymore, I have tried in more ways then one.

When I first found out I was pregnant, he told me if I tried to stop him seeing LO he wouldn't take me to court as it wouldn't be worth the 'stress and effort'

And then he has also told me to fuck off and die about 3 month ago.



I just need some advice and support

 

[judge12]

Why are you cutting him out of your son life just because of money?

You know you won't get a lot out of the csa and he offered to give you money when he can and that be more than csa anyway, so what would you rather have? your son having no father at all or a father you ran off?

 

[bumphenders]

Its not completely to do with the money..
If I had the time, I would have re-wrote all the other things, which I have previously posted.

He expects me to do all the running, never asks how his son is getting on, hasn't bothered with anything really.

Would you want someone in your childs life who when you were 3/4 month pregnant told you to "fuck off and die"?

I thought I was being fair enough to even entertain him after he said that.

There is only so much I can take, and I don't want my son put through the stress.
I have tried my hardest for the sake of my son. But I can't take no more.

 

[bumphenders]

Oh and also, he hadn't told his family about Elliot either..
In Nov, I spoke to his brother to say if they wanted to know my son, and none of them had no clue I was pregnant!

 

[teal]

Massive hugs xx

It sounds like he's trying as hard as he can not to help you and your son! I know money isn't everything but why should he get all the nice things without any of the responsibility. From what you've said he doesn't have much interest in supporting his son financially.

Can you maybe take a step back until your son arrives? Do think things will be different once he's here?

I hope you're ok and try not to let the stress of fob ruin the rest of your pregnancy.

I'm not with fob, he's has all the chances he's going to get!

xxx

 

[bumphenders]

That's the thing that was getting to me, he was being all smug and high and mightly because he had the upper hand, he was in control, and its not that I wanted to be in control but where my son is involved, I did want to be the one who was in the driver seat iykwim? I'm the type of person who needs to know what's happening, I'm overly prepared for things and that's how I've always been.

He reminded me a lot of my dad, and my dad hasn't done a lot for me tbh, didn't used to pay my mam a lot for me and my sister, and drinks his way through life. I don't owe my dad anything, although I love him, I don't want Elliot growing up with that thought...

I'm done with him now, if he wants to make an effort then he has my number and he knows when his son is due, I won't go running to him again, even though I know a lot of people will disagree and say I should etc.

It annoys me more so that, like you said why should he get all the enjoyment and none of the responsibility... If I just decided I didn't want to provide for my son, he would have nothing and would probably be taken into care, I hate how lightly men get off !

 

[dustbunny]

I think money does play a part in situations like this and you can't get out of that at all. He has a financial responsibility to his son and therefore should contribute equal amounts as you. It is pointless taking money as and when because you never know how much you have to spend on LO and how much you have to contribute to level it out because as and when is never 100%. I'd go through CSA because they minute he gets a job he'll be thinking he shouldn't have acted like such an arrogant dick to begin with. Also why do you have to be the FOB's PA, why can't he phone and ask how he is son is doing, why should it always be you doing the running around? I think you're right to tell him to fuck off because it might just give him the kick up the backside he needs.

I understand that a child should have both parents in their lives but from personal experience of my own I hated my dad for years because he wasn't on equal level with my mother both financially and emotionally. It is only recently [and I am 23] that I have moved on from that all and speak to him properly.

 

[bumphenders]

I think money does play a part in situations like this and you can't get out of that at all. He has a financial responsibility to his son and therefore should contribute equal amounts as you. It is pointless taking money as and when because you never know how much you have to spend on LO and how much you have to contribute to level it out because as and when is never 100%. I'd go through CSA because they minute he gets a job he'll be thinking he shouldn't have acted like such an arrogant dick to begin with. Also why do you have to be the FOB's PA, why can't he phone and ask how he is son is doing, why should it always be you doing the running around? I think you're right to tell him to fuck off because it might just give him the kick up the backside he needs.

I understand that a child should have both parents in their lives but from personal experience of my own I hated my dad for years because he wasn't on equal level with my mother both financially and emotionally. It is only recently [and I am 23] that I have moved on from that all and speak to him properly.

its like a few weeks ago, we were having daft banter and on BBM and i turned to him and said "Oh btw your son is doing good thanks for asking"
and he replied with "I didn't ask but ok" and I was like

He really is a waste of space.

But with the whole dad thing, I'm with you on that, my dad never came close to my mam in relation to anything, and I don't want Elliot feeling how I felt, I would much rather he wasn't around from day one, if he is already acting like this..

 

[dustbunny]

I think money does play a part in situations like this and you can't get out of that at all. He has a financial responsibility to his son and therefore should contribute equal amounts as you. It is pointless taking money as and when because you never know how much you have to spend on LO and how much you have to contribute to level it out because as and when is never 100%. I'd go through CSA because they minute he gets a job he'll be thinking he shouldn't have acted like such an arrogant dick to begin with. Also why do you have to be the FOB's PA, why can't he phone and ask how he is son is doing, why should it always be you doing the running around? I think you're right to tell him to fuck off because it might just give him the kick up the backside he needs.

I understand that a child should have both parents in their lives but from personal experience of my own I hated my dad for years because he wasn't on equal level with my mother both financially and emotionally. It is only recently [and I am 23] that I have moved on from that all and speak to him properly.

its like a few weeks ago, we were having daft banter and on BBM and i turned to him and said "Oh btw your son is doing good thanks for asking"
and he replied with "I didn't ask but ok" and I was like

He really is a waste of space.

But with the whole dad thing, I'm with you on that, my dad never came close to my mam in relation to anything, and I don't want Elliot feeling how I felt, I would much rather he wasn't around from day one, if he is already acting like this..

At the end of the day it is his loss. He can give any excuse he likes; be it that he is too young atm, too poor, whatever... I don't know if you're into quotes but sometimes I find them uplifting and empowering and one I have found for my LO FOB might suit yours too: "Excuses are tools of the incompetent used to build monuments to nothing. For those who specialize in them shall never be good at anything else."

 

[bumphenders]

I think money does play a part in situations like this and you can't get out of that at all. He has a financial responsibility to his son and therefore should contribute equal amounts as you. It is pointless taking money as and when because you never know how much you have to spend on LO and how much you have to contribute to level it out because as and when is never 100%. I'd go through CSA because they minute he gets a job he'll be thinking he shouldn't have acted like such an arrogant dick to begin with. Also why do you have to be the FOB's PA, why can't he phone and ask how he is son is doing, why should it always be you doing the running around? I think you're right to tell him to fuck off because it might just give him the kick up the backside he needs.

I understand that a child should have both parents in their lives but from personal experience of my own I hated my dad for years because he wasn't on equal level with my mother both financially and emotionally. It is only recently [and I am 23] that I have moved on from that all and speak to him properly.

its like a few weeks ago, we were having daft banter and on BBM and i turned to him and said "Oh btw your son is doing good thanks for asking"
and he replied with "I didn't ask but ok" and I was like

He really is a waste of space.

But with the whole dad thing, I'm with you on that, my dad never came close to my mam in relation to anything, and I don't want Elliot feeling how I felt, I would much rather he wasn't around from day one, if he is already acting like this..

At the end of the day it is his loss. He can give any excuse he likes; be it that he is too young atm, too poor, whatever... I don't know if you're into quotes but sometimes I find them uplifting and empowering and one I have found for my LO FOB might suit yours too: "Excuses are tools of the incompetent used to build monuments to nothing. For those who specialize in them shall never be good at anything else."

i love quotes and that one if perfect.
he is 28 and has 2 other boys that he sees! he doesnt really have a valid excuse apart from the fact he is a useless waste of space.

 

[xAmiixLouisex]

Screw him. Leave him to it and just wait and see if he gets his act together when Elliot's here. If not, his loss. I understand totally what you're saying.. It's not even about the money, he seems to just not care about his child anyway. He can't be bothered to pay for him, can't be bothered to ask how he is. He doesn't deserve you making the effort.

 

[bumphenders]

Screw him. Leave him to it and just wait and see if he gets his act together when Elliot's here. If not, his loss. I understand totally what you're saying.. It's not even about the money, he seems to just not care about his child anyway. He can't be bothered to pay for him, can't be bothered to ask how he is. He doesn't deserve you making the effort.

That's all its about, I just wanted him to show some more interest in his son! The whole money thing just topped it off. Thanks Amii