Advice about a friend

[kealz]

My ds (3), is awaiting a diagnosis of ASD and looks very likely. He has a significant lamguage delay and he will sometimes bite other children, and us for that matter when he can't get his point across, although it is rarer these days. One of my very close friends has a daughter of similar age and she is very social, headstrong and likes things her way etc, a very typical toddler. Our kids have had situations where her daughter has been nagging my ds to play, which obviously is perfectly normal. My ds gets tired of being kept on at, he does try to move away and even gently pushed her to arms length once but when her dd won't stop, my ds might then bite her. Then all hell breaks loose. Her dd has fantastic speech and language and feel that she has the capacity to understand that sometimes my ds needs space and that's ok but my friend doesn't tell her.

I hadn't heard from my friend for a while, now we're wanting to meet up post Christmas. She is refusing to have the two children together in the same room and will only meet if: we can go to a group, she can find child are for her dd or we meet when my ds is in nursery. Going to a group is hard as I have a baby as well and they often have paint/messy craft out, ds gets completely covered then I'm left with crying baby and up to my elbows in red paint and baby wipes.

I'm so upset by it all. No parent wants their child to be hurt obviously, I get that. But aren't children going to have to learn to get along with different personalities as they grow? My friend has offered very little support throughout the diagnosis procedure and has no idea of the recent struggles I've had as she just hasn't been around. Now she is the first person to make me feel that I should feel some kind of shame and that she has to safeguard her child against mine.

Any advice appreciated as I just don't know what to say to her right now.

 

[Nibblenic]

The age of 3 is very young to expect any child to be understanding the needs of others. ASD or NT.

Personally if she doesnt want to DD to be one 2 one with your Lo right now I would respect that. However generally she doesnt sound like shes that good of a friend to you either. Do you want to continue with the friendship or just let it run its course?

 

[Reid]

She ain't a friend worth having in my opinion.
My son has just recently been diagnosed on the spectrum and as yet he's never bite another child but he did take a few bites and bad 1s at his nursery (it's a specialist nursery for asd) now of course as his mother I was upset he took a bad bite but the nursery were fast to put steps in place to help prevent it and phoned me after it happened to explain the wee boy was new to the class and he was having a hard time coping in his new environment so I was ok with it and I felt for the little boy thinking how scary it must be for him I didn't once ever think about taking my son out the nursery. Now from what you've said to it doesn't sound like this so called friend is making any effort to try encourage her daughter to give your son space when he wants left alone and yes I know she's young but if she has good language skills I'm guessing she would understand if her mum said for example jack doesn't want to play just now why don't you go get your doll to play with or something like that.
I guess it's up to you if you think the friendship is worth saving xx

 

[kealz]

Thank you both for your replies.

The situation is so emotional as I am still figuring out what my standpoint is on various things is what my boundaries are. Nibblenic, I agree that my friends dd is too young understand fully just. But I also agree with Reid that she has the ability to follow an instruction like that, even on a basic level.

Update: my friend and I spoke on the phone. I explained how upset I was but understood that nobody wants their child to be hurt. She apologised for being insensitive and not thinking how it might have come across. She also could not apologise enough for not being around and said she's been a terrible friend, especially as I have supported her through some bad times. I did concede that I am very defensive at the moment and highly sensitive. We are meeting on thursday night to try to clear the air properly and move on, hopefully understanding each other better.

Thanks guys.

 

[Reid]

Maybe a lunch date just the 2 of you no kids if possible would be good. You can come up with some strategies on what to do together when say her dd is not giving your ds space and when you see your ds might be ready to bite x

 

[minties]

I'm glad she apologised as I feel she was firmly in the wrong there. How incredibly insulting and hurtful! Your LO actually sounds quite tolerant and sweet.

She needs to be the voice of reason for her daughter while she is still little, step in and tell her to leave your LO alone and give him the space he needs.

It doesn't sound like your son is doing anything out of the ordinary or hurting anyone (the odd bite I'd understand from any toddler), if she can't handle her DD pushing gently pushed away then she's over protective. She would hate to see my kids when they fight!

 

[daneuse27]

I don't think your son sounds like a bad child at all. It sounds like he only might bite after being pushed and pushed when he has already communicated that he wants to be left alone.

There was a toddler at an indoor playground I took my daughter to who was walking up and attacking kids for no reason. He always picked girls, that were a little older than him, I noticed (he was only 2 or 3 years old.) He would just walk up and start hitting them repeatedly with both hands as hard as he could. The 2 I saw him do it to ended up in tears, and then I intervened (told him off, and then found his mom to tell her.)

My point is that if your son was behaving this badly and was potentially dangerous, THEN maybe your friend's stance might be more understandable. But he sounds like a sweet boy who is absolutely fine unless you provoke him repeatedly.

I hope that dinner with your friend goes well, I would use the wording you used here (about feeling like people acting as though they need to 'protect' their kids from your son, and how that feels) and I hope she shows signs of understanding, and being a much better and supportive friend to you.

 

[sethsmummy]

I am glad she apologised hun

i have to disagree slightly with the understanding level. I 100% think at that age if shes not delayed in any way that she will understand if told another child needs space. my middle son is 2.5 and he 100% understands when told his brother needs space (asd)... that doesnt always mean hes going to listen and leave him alone though. her mum needs to step in and remove her daughter when your sons had enough. Even if were out at a soft play place now i intervene if i can see seth getting anxious because i dont want him hurting another child and i find a lot of parents dont step in to remove their child when they should. Would your friend be happy with you moving her daughter out the way if she cant recognise when to do it?

i hope you can both clear the air