Advice for the dad

[wantingno.2]

Just wondered if you would tell me if you think that we are being unfair.

To start my husband has a 10 yr old son from a previous relationship, I'm trying to see this this from both points of view but as i'm not in her situation it's hard to know if she is just being demanding or if we are in the wrong.

They split up 7yrs ago and as he was earning quite alot of money then they agreed that he would pay £200 per month and he would also have his son as often as he could (2 nights a week i think) Unforunately he lost his job and had no other propects in that town, he lived in her home home town 300 miles away from his family. He decided his ony option was to move back with his parents, sort his work out and planned to move back... but in the meantime he met me.

We are now married and have 2 children, she was also married, now divorced with 2 children.

My husband is now a full time student, working weekends to try cover or bills. We have so far managed to pay the maintenance every month but this month really struggled and only managed 100 of it.

She is now going to see a solicitor to sort out money and access. Access has never been an issue before i'm not sure why she is even bringing this up. She also says that she's not happy that we never buy him anything, only christmas and birthday presents ???? but arnt we contributing £200 a month towards his care? It also costs us £85 each way in petrol to collect him which at the moment is alot of money to us.

I'm really trying to see things from her side but i'm finding it difficult to understand why she cant give us abit of slack when she knows are current situation. Have we been unreasonble???

 

[billy2mm]

i think you have been more than fair tbh. through the csa she would get 10% of his wage if she has sole custody but with you and your oh having lo for 2 nights a week she wont get that much as you have to buy food etc for him along with toys for your house and clothes.

also if it went through courts re access she would be made to meet you halfway or share driving ie you drive to pick him up she drives to collect him as its not fair on one party to do all the running around.

she is gonna end up shooting herself in the foot going through the solicitor. what exactly does she think you should be buying him anyway? she has main custody so she is the one with the chance to buy the school clothes etc.....

 

[wantingno.2]

Sorry I was abit confusing there, he took him 2 nights when he lived in same town. Unfortunately we only get to have him school hols Plus as many day trips as we can afford. We would of course love to have him more but it would impossible without taking him out of school.

 

[jbarefield74]

That's a great problem with the first girl. You should talk to her. Both of you should talk to her about financial matters. Just don't let the child be involved with that.

 

[sophiew]

If he's a full time student.. He technically doesn't have to pay CSA. I mean if he wants to... That's all well and good But CSA would say 'no'!. x

 

[chels24uk]

She sounds really unreasonable tbh. £200 a month is a lot of money especially for one child! I think your husband is being really generous and sounds like shes just being a bitch. I can maybe understand why she'd be a little pissed if she wasnt told in advance you will be paying less, but sounds like shes going totaly OTT. Let her go through the courts and CSA. She wont get anything better than what she is now! Well done to you both for being so involved with the little boy

 

[Buggie.]

Why not let her go through a solicitor? If he was paying the 200 based off his previous income then most likely he would have to pay less now due to the fact that he is not making as much, plus he is a student.

 

[lulu35]

i think £200 is a lot for one child, my ex pays me that for our 3 kids!! x

 

[lou_w34]

£200 may seem like a lot for one child, but if its worked out that that is what 15% of his weekly income is then he is probably on a good wage and can afford it. The CSA dont take more than can be afforded.

But that is beside the point lol, i would let her see her solicitor, she will only be told what you have been telling her, that if his wage has lowered than so will her maintanence, and because he is a student she may be told she wont qualify for anything, so she would be better of taking what you are offering her.

I can kind of see why she is upset though, although you are being more than reasonable! Does she really rely on the money?

xx

 

[wantingno.2]

I've no doubt that she probably does rely on the money with it being quite alot it probably goes towards paying something. The problem is my husband's self employed and yes when they were together he was earning alot of money, the problem is he lost his job and has never been in that situation again.... we can have periods of work that are really good then we can have weeks of nothing at all ... anyway it dosent really matter because we have paid it every month for 7 years and now he's a student he dosent earn a fraction of what he usually does.

She's said that she will not be speaking to him again and that it will now all go through the solicitor, neither of us think that it's a good idea, especially for his son. When we had a private arrangement it felt more friendly, they still got on (most of the time). She's really upset my husband this time, he's disappointed that she refuses to believe we are in the position we are (she thinks we are loaded)

I have rung the CSA myself today and they said they wont assess him because he's a full time student. Neither of us wont to pay nothing, he has a responsability and he knows that. She is refusing to speak to him .... we dont know wether to wait until she finds out from CSA or her solicitor herself or i should try contact her a reason with her. I've always stayed out of it and i've only met her twice, we dont dislike each other or anything we live 300 miles away we've never really had reason to talk.

We've worked out what we can realistically afford and we dont want to drop it too much as we wouldnt want it to have a really bad affect on his son. We think we can manage £130 a month. What do you girls think???

 

[lou_w34]

I think that amount is more than fair! I was imagining far less!

Hmm you could try to reason with her, but to be honest i expect it may make her worse. I would either let her find out from her solicitor or the CSA, or write her a letter, which she can read a few times to digest it (and hopefully see sense) and just explain that if she wants to go the CSA/solicitor route she will be told he does not have to pay, but obviously he still wants to pay and be involved etc etc, and that you are offering £130, and hopefully in the future things will pick up again.

Maybe she is reacting out of anger as she may be panicing? If the money went towards bills or something, maybe she is scared about how she can afford things. Hopefully things will work out for all of you soon!

xx

 

[wantingno.2]

Thanks, think we are going to let it go to csa first as I dont think she'll believe us anyway. I actually think it's more that she believes my husband should pay that amount because she just doesnt believe our financial situation and truely believes we have so much more, I wish we did! She has other support, she gets maintenance from her ex husband and is living with her new partner so I dont think it will push her into extreme financial difficulty.

 

[lou_w34]

In that case, let it go to the CSA, sounds like it will be the only way that she will believe it!

 

[sophiew]

CSA will understand Have you tried the CSA calculator online? It'll tell you what your partner has to pay x