[Advice] MIL wants to FF her carseat/inconsistency causing issues

[esst]

We just upgraded my firstborn to a Diano Olympia carseat from a Britax B-Safe. We have him RF (rear facing) in our Hyundai accent. His feet do touch the backseat but I looked that up and read that in most crashes, the legs fly up and he'd be fine.

My MIL is convinced he will "break his knees" in our car.

I've explained that RF is the safest until he's at the weight limit (45lbs) or starts really rocking the carseat/doing dangerous things that would make it better to FF him.

She just put in a hand-me-down convertible carseat. She supposedly made sure that it was not involved in accidents and wasn't expired but I have a feeling she just said those things in order to wave me off.

This morning when she picked him up just before I went to work, it was forward facing.

I mentioned this to her and she said "well [FIL] said now he's going to not want to rear face in your car anymore since he can SEE everything". I again reiterated that RF is the safest way for him to be and she said "well yes, in your little car but not in my truck".

I wanted to go across her head. She was a pain in the ass prior to my pregnancy, all throughout my pregnancy and just slightly after but we have a decent relationship now. Still, that level of bullshit pissed me off and had I had another babysitting option, I would've called it in. There is NOTHING in carseat literature that has a clause that says "unless you are in a big truck".

I cooled down and decided to pick my battles once I got to work. I mentioned the FF to DH and he FLIPPED OUT. He called her an idiot and said he'd talk to her about it.

I spoke to my coworker who had her own MIL watch her (now grown) kids and she said if it was really important to us, we should go with the angle of consistency so she doesn't think we are attacking her or telling her she's wrong.

She and son are always on the go and I'm VERY concerned because we take him in the car maybe once every two days if that. The probability that she will get into an accident is higher because she has him in the vehicle more.

I'm hoping DH will do this calmly but I'm worried it will devolve into a fight.

I've just started my job a few months ago. MIL was pushing me to find one. I don't make super great money (my lowest wage since high school...) but the hours are good and the location is five minutes from home. As daycare here would be my entire paycheck and then some, MIL offered to watch him up to 24 hours a week. I work 20.

I've noticed that some of MIL's inconsistencies are causing issues. At her house, he can grab certain snacks as he pleases. My biggest issue is the "Fiber One Bars" she keeps low. I've asked her not to feed them to him as he gets PLENTY of fiber in his diet and they've upset his GI tract once or twice resulting in a lot of mess and laundry. She ignores it. She DOES eat healthy/healthier than she did due to Weight Watchers but I think he's still getting junk from her and I know I can't control that.

We've gone to the store and I've gotten her some of the things he eats (Annie's Mac and Cheese, etc.) and she's fine making them for him. He recently started demanding chocolate and having temper tantrums out of the blue. It got so bad that I threw the chocolate away. He'd refuse any other snack even if it was something he liked such as grapes because he wanted the damn chocolate and I have a feeling she gives him chocolate whenever he asks which is NOT good for a toddler, let alone an adult.

We do timeout and she does too. When we'd tell him to go into timeout recently, he would ignore us. I told her about this and she said "well he doesn't at MY HOUSE" which cheesed me off.

As much as I like my job, I cannot see myself going back to work after #2. I see the behavioral issues son is having from being with her and I can correct them here for the most part, but having a baby essentially be raised by her scares the shit out of me*. I had planned on going back to work but she has some fantasy in her mind that they will "let" me work 4 hours a day 5 days a week instead of two 9 hour days and one 4 hour day. I've explained that I don't see this being possible due to the nature of my job and she insists it should be. Should be and reality are two different things. The baby was planned, the job wasn't.

*(She basically decided she was "done" when DH was born - he was 4 1/2 years younger than his brother and PLANNED. He ran away many times/got out of the yard many times starting at 18 months. She blamed him and refuses to even now take blame for not watching him. She's lucky people found him and took him to safe places each time.

My son is in swimming lessons now specifically because of her pool - she has a hard top cover on now but all I need is for her to turn her back for a split second while gardening and in he goes.

She'd leave DH in dirty diapers in his crib upstairs and check on him every few hours. She's not this way with my son but I think a baby and a toddler would overwhelm her and she might revert to her old ways.)

 

[scoobydrlp]

As far as the carseat, if you feel strongly about ERF, then she needs to respect that. Go with the consistancy thing, and if that isn't enough to change her ways then you need to just say that if he isn't rear facing then he isn't riding with her.

It sounds like you have a lot of issues with the care she is giving, so if I were you I would either find someone else or ditch the job. It sounds like you don't really need it and just got it because she wanted you to anyway. She sounds very controlling! If my MIL told me to get a job I would have a few choice words for her. But she would never do that, luckily. I don't see this situation ending well no matter when or how it ends, but the sooner the better if you ask me! I would not accept care for my child that went against my wishes. Yes it's nice that she's offered her time for no pay, but it's not worth it if you're constantly stressed and upset. Good luck!

 

[AnneD]

I'd find a different childcare option.

 

[joeyjo]

The rear facing seat would be an issue as would fibre bars that have already been asked to be moved. An unfenced pool even with a hard cover would also be a no no for me

A not quite 2yr old not going in time out when told is completely normal as are a lot of the other behaviours you are are seeing and I think blaming your MIL for them is a little harsh. Your son is coming up to 2, he is testing boundaries, trying to gain control in parts of his life and about to experience big changes; the sort of issues you have are common across the board regardless of type of child care or no childcare & SAHM.

Once big issues are sorted you need to decide if slight differences can be worked with or stop the arrangement for the same of family harmony.

 

[Snow Owl]

The car seat is a foot down thing for me. I didn't ERF but I know others do and can understand the difference. I'd insist on that one!!!

 

[Beckettshades]

The erf and the snide comments would be enough for me-

Assuming you can afford it- I'd be jacking in the job. Even at 4.5 if someone can't respect the way we wish our daughter to face in the car- then she doesn't go in the car with them x

 

[Noodlebear]

I'd be unimpressed with the car seat issue, that's your child's safety and she shouldn't be trying to 'over rule' you.

You need to pick your battles with some of the other stuff though. It's totally normal for there to be some differences between being with mummy and being with nanny and I think you're being pretty harsh and blaming her for normal toddler behaviour.

 

[jd83]

The car seat issue would be a huge one for me. If she's overruling what you've told her on that, and is in the vehicle that often, you are absolutely right. YOur chld would be more likely to be in an accident in her vehicle due to the frequency of being in her car. Not okay for her to go against your wishes on that. I bought extra car seats for family, and they respected my wishes completely on how they were to be used.

Did you need this job? Or did you just get the job because she was pressuring you to? I'd say if you just got the job because she was pressuring you, its really not the worth the stress she is causing you. Some people do fine with in-laws or parents watching their kids, while others find it really stressful. I think if its too stressful and is straining the relationship, its best to find childcare elsewhere so that the time you DO spend with them isn't causing additional stress.

My SIL watched my older son one summer while she was on school break, and I decided we'd never do that again. I love her to pieces, but it was definitely an inconsistency thing and was totally stressing me out. She'd let him do things I didn't, so then we had massive fits at home when he wanted to do those things. She let him eat candy/chocolate often. I only let him eat it on occasion. He started to scream when I'd pick him up, wanting to stay with her and play. This broke my heart to have him not want me after not seeing him all day. He had never done that with his regular sitter. It was too much. I ended up telling her no more than 2 days a week in the summer from that point on. The other work days will be with his regular sitter. Things have been MUCH better since. I don't regret it for a minute because its taken that stress away, and I am back to having a comfortable, happy relationship with her again, and she still sees the kids plenty to play with them.

 

[esst]

I agree that I am being harsh on her. In the last week or so she went from someone I can handle to a complete pain in the ass and that resentment is probably showing in my writing.

She did the whole "you really should get out of the house" thing and I had been looking for work, though had stopped after over a year, nearly two, of no bites. I happened to get an alert on a job I applied for previously and had an interview canceled on as they hired internally. I applied again and got the job. She was very excited to get "Simon time".

I should explain the "he doesn't do that with me" business. Her tone comes off as a smug know-it-all when she says it. I know he's pushing boundaries (has been since 18m) but she will excuse it as terrible twos and give in to it. That's why I have the dietary concerns. The FiberOne bars have a ton of sugar and chocolate in them. If he grabs one (they are kept in his reach) she lets him have it and then does a fake apology. I'm the one who has to deal with the diapers after and she knows that. I've asked at least twice for them to stop being given to him specifically because his GI system doesn't need the excess fiber. She agrees and then "oops!" at least once a week. I also know she keeps fun size candy in a dish on her counter and am pretty sure my son gets them on demand. Sweets are a once in a while treat for us and we've set that boundary but the inconsistency is what a lot of the problem is coming from. I know he's a toddler and will throw tantrums because the sky is blue but I also know my MIL well. She is one of the reasons I waited to marry DH, I didn't want to be tied to her forever. That sounds bad but if you look at my post history from 2012 when I was pregnant with my son, you'll see just a taste of how she used to be. That behavior is coming back and I'm not happy. I'm hoping it is related to her being irritated over a small health issue and will go away but I am scared about what happens if it doesn't.

I got this job specifically to make extra car payments so we won't be upside down on ou the loan when we trade in. I'm also planning to use the funds to help pay for flights/hotel/car to go to a family reunion for a side of my family I haven't seen in over a decade. Typically wed would drive but it is a 12 hour trip and I would be around 26 weeks pregnant. I don't want the brunt of everything to fall on DH or have to cancel plans/stick with our little car but I will do what I must to make sure my son is safe.

Other childcare isn't an option. What I make in a week would be less than what I would pay to anyone certified to watch him.

It wasn't stressful at first and I get that she will have different methods of handling him. I'm going to sit down with DH, figure out what battles to pick (probably the FiberOne bars/chocolate and definitely the car seat) and do my best to let everything else go. At the end of the day, she loves my son and he loves her.

 

[esst]

Just an update:

I found out she gave him a Fiber One *brownie* (the whole thing) which she admitted to after I was at my midwife appointment, about to go in and my son pooped. SHE had to clean it and saw what it does and said "well, at least I got it". My response was "Yes, but you didn't get the other two he had yesterday" and she actually apologized.

She's been doing little things that DH has picked up on and he'd planned to speak with her about the carseat tonight but ended up working late so he wouldn't need to go into the city Sunday. He's planning to talk to her tomorrow and has my consent to say if she refuses to RF WITH the latch system in place, she will not be driving him anywhere anymore.

 

[x__amour]

I would find a different childcare option as well. I have seen first hand what a parent who doesn't respect you can do to your child.

 

[happysaurus]

Have you shown her the YouTube clip about what happens to a child's neck in forward facing vs rear facing? If not then I'd show her that - it's horrific and I don't think she'll go against you after seeing it. TBH I am sure she loves him very much - she won't want to hurt him.

 

[RainbowDrop_x]

There's far too many issues there and whilst I agree some arguments need to be picked you're clearly not happy.

Save yourself the hassle and find another child care option

 

[wookie130]

I'm in a similar situation...well, maybe not as infuriating as yours sounds. I really love my MIL & FIL, and they love my daughter to death, honestly, but...I've had to put my foot down on a few things, and there are certainly things they've done that I've either not approved of, or had to correct. And, I'm pretty sure there is some things that go on behind the scenes that would send me through the roof...which is why...

SHE'S GOING TO A HOME DAYCARE IN THE FALL!!!! And so will her newborn brother when he arrives. Yes, the cost is astronomical, and I'm sure there will be aspects of home daycare that I don't appreciate, but honestly, this family-watching-the-grandchild-thing is for the birds. They just feel like they have such a SAY in what my child is doing, and in reality, I am the mother, and I call the shots. They've had their babies, they've raised their babies, and hell if I'm going to let someone interfere in how I choose to raise MY children!

Anyway, I do think it sucks she pressured you to work in the first place...even though it sounds like you enjoy your job, I would probably quit, and stay home with your kids. Childcare costs an arm and a leg, and if you want things done with your kids a certain way, doing it yourself is the only way that will truly happen. Good luck!

 

[esst]

I wish we could do home daycare. The least expensive certified places around here are around $65/day. For two kids, it would possibly be a little cheaper, maybe $120 that is close to my take home pay for a WEEK.

Once I'm out for #2, I'm planning on not returning. I'm hoping we make it that long. She's been doing little things that are just adding up to many issues. I get that it is the "cost" of having family do childcare but I'm not willing to pay it for much longer. I'm sure my boss (also a parent) will understand. I didn't accept the job with the intention of leaving so soon but I can't see an infant being raised by her. She actually gave her own son shit on Facebook for being tired after watching my son while I worked Saturday. He'd worked a full week including one late day and stayed up with son (two year molars SUCK) and took him to swimming lessons that morning. She tried to play it off as "we" do so much work. She's been watching him for a total of six weeks and I work two full days and one half! Some of those days, DH has been home with him too! For her to drag her own son who was rightfully tired as being "not understanding" bothered me.

She's also trying to take credit for his exploding vocabulary. It started when my sister visited two weeks ago and was chatting with him all day. We talk to him too but this was her first time seeing him and she LOVES kids. He started talking a lot more and DH overheard her trying to take credit for it. She also encourages him to call her "MA" (he calls me momma, but ma is his short version) which pisses me off a bit but I try to let it slide as he calls my FIL "PA" and she may want to match that. He calls my mom GG (Grandma [her first name starts with G) just like my niece and nephew but my in-laws said they wanted him to call them what he wants, though my BIL wants him to use the Italian word for "grandparents" (nonni) for my MIL but I don't see the point. They use zero Italian in their lives save for a few dishes they cook and nonni for one person makes not a lick of grammatical sense.

As for the "MA" thing, I'm pretty sure it is her inner narcissist (she has NPD) wanting to be "the mother" just as her supposed hysterectomy is a response to my second pregnancy. Still no date on that, btw, and her doctor hasn't even seen her about it yet. I have a feeling it will be sprung on me a few days before it happens should it ever happen and I will get fired because I can't turn up to work for two weeks as she won't be able to lift my son. SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH.

 

[esst]

another update: DH was trying to ease into talking to her about it so she didn't get defensive. It was bizarre. FIL had son in his van "driving" and DH opened up MIL's truck door. She goes over and starts saying "WHAT ARE YOU TAKING OUT? WHAT ARE YOU TAKING OUT" in this aggressive yet sappy voice. He said he wasn't taking out anything, just wanted to see if the carseat had LATCH connections.

Turns out FIL was tasked with installing the carseat and thought the LATCH connectors go into the seatbelts, couldn't figure it out and decided to just use the seatbelt. MIL pretended to help DH get the LATCH connections set up. When FIL said he wasn't sure how to do it, DH explained and he listened. MIL said "well I knew they were there".

DH made a show of telling me how stable it was. I still had a frown on my face because I want the damn thing rear facing. He plans to speak to her tonight on that. In the meantime, I made sure to say outside my nosy BIL's window about how I disagree on FF him at this age and posted a video of what exactly can happen to a FF child onto Facebook. Passive aggressive I guess but I'm tired of it. I'm going to flip to aggressive aggressive if she thinks she's driving into the city with my son in a f**king forward facing carseat. She's a shit driver as it is and gets nervous driving in the city so I am REALLY not happy about that.

Had I known she'd made plans to go in, I would've made a schedule change. Sure, she'll email me about her stupid hairdresser appointment six weeks in advance but won't say when FIL needs to see his oncologist despite knowing months in advance.

 

[Septie]

Not to add to your stress - but the pool may be another major issue to worry about. Swimming lessons won't help at this age. Kids can go into a state of shock when their head gets covered in water and drown silently without anyone noticing. Do your inlaws have a tall, self-locking fence around the pool?

 

[esst]

The lessons are to introduce him to the pool and basic safety. We are trying to find a closer facility that does "Waterbabies" which teaches them to float/call out if they go in. She does have a fence around the backyard that locks but does all her gardening in the backyard. In-laws have talked about getting a fence made specifically for around the pool but balked at the expense. They are planning to sell the house in around 4 years and don't want to put much more money in to it.

She did end up RF (with the seatbelt, tightly) after watching the video I shared on Facebook.