Advice needed - dealing with death

[lj2245]

My son's grandmother (FOB's mum) has had bowel cancer for 3 years. Initially her long term prognosis was good and although it was incurable, it was treatable and she was expected to live 10+ years. Due to this and at her insistence, we hadn't told my 7 year old son (her only grandchild until yesterday when Shaun's aunt had a baby girl) that she was ill. She had wanted to prevent him being upset for as long as possible as he is very close to his Gran and loves her very very much.

Over the past week or so, she has declined in health somewhat and has moved to a hospice. SHe is still very much alert and aware and you wouldn't know she was ill to talk to her. We have been told she may only have a few weeks left.

When I found this out, I realised how little my son actually knew and how much of a shock it is going to be for him when she dies. I, myself, wasn't told how ill she was until last week when FOB's sister sent me a message to tell me. His Gran has been hiding the illness well, insisting on being home at the weekend for him visiting and refusing to have her drip home with her.

I decided enough was enough and my son had to know what was happening. I researched online and every single cancer and bereavement site says you have to be honest with children. I arranged with FOB to come to my house last Thursday after my sons nativity so we could tell him his Gran was ill and wasn't going to get better. I had arranged with his school for him to be off on Friday, returning to school tomorrow and explained why. The school have been very supportive. The problem is, when it came to actually telling my son, FOB bottled it and said the grief counsellor told him to break it to my son in stages and insisted on only telling DS that his Gran was ill. As we were unable to discuss it with DS being in the room, I let it slide and said I would talk to him about it later. It turns out either FOB is very much in denial and thinks his Mum isn't as bad as I was informed by his sister, or there may be a change surgery she is having in Jan might improve things a bit.

Regardless of this, I am insisting that my son at least knows that his Gran is seriously ill and isn't going to recover. He keeps asking me questions and I refuse to lie to him. He's not stupid and knows something is going on, tonight he said he was worried his Gran was going to stop breathing. I was totally unable to reassure my son in the way I would have been able to if he had known his Gran was going to die. If he knew, I could have talked to him honestly about death and at least reassured him it wasn't going to happen tonight.

So I have told FOB to come to our house this week, where I will be telling him that his Gran has Cancer and won't recover. I will be honest with him. He is very perceptive and very aware of what Death means. Our cat died last year so he has had experience of loss and is advanced for his age when it comes to understanding what happens to us when we die. I think he would have a very good understanding of what is going to happen to his Gran and telling him the truth would stop his imagination running wild and would allow him to talk to me about his worries and fears.

I guess I just want to know I am doing the right thing. I don't blame FOB for burying his head in the sand. He loves his Mum very much and is trying to deal with the prospect of losing her. I'm going to make sure I use words such as Death and Dying and make it clear to my son that being ill doesn't mean you will die. I don't want to use 'going to sleep' as I know that will make him worrying about waking up if he sleeps and I'm not going to use 'going away' as that will have him worrying that people don't come back. I'm going to be honest and as straightforward as I can.

Also, can anyone recommend any British books that may help my son? I have been given Cruse Bereavement Care as a contact and will get in touch with them this week.

Thank you for reading my very long post. Any advice would be gratefully appreciated.

 

[lj2245]

I should also point out that I have spoken to him about his Gran's wheelchair and drip and have been honest with him about them and what they are for. This was to my sons benefit this weekend when he saw his Gran with the drip for the first time and he said he would have been very scared if I hadn't told him about it before. He was also worried that he would catch his Gran's illness but I have managed to reassure him about that.

 

[08marchbean]

Im on my phone at the min. Bit i have 2 great kids books and a great book for u to read to help him from when my los grandfather died. I cant remember the exact titles so will look them up when on laptop later. X

 

[lj2245]

Thank you It's much appreciated.

 

[tommyg]

You are doing the right thing. Wee word of warning when she goes don't say she is on a star. My uncle died last week and my cousin told her kids he was on a star in heaven.
This resulted in them being very upset when the stars weren't out. And make sure he is aware that you can't visit heaven.

 

[lj2245]

For 7, he does have a very good understanding of death. Might have something to do with him being a catholic who goes to church every week, or it could be because our cat died last year but he definitely understands what happens. I've been reading a lot of books based on his age groups and he definitely does seem to have a more advanced understanding of what happens to us when we die.

Thank you for your comment

 

[tommyg]

Yip cousin 6 year old gets it but the 4 year old had argument with older child over visiting heaven. They were both upset when the stars in heaven weren't out. Mistake to mention stars in heaven.

 

[lj2245]

Yeah definitely. The conversation will be entirely fact with a small discussion on heaven as it is his religion, but even that will be 'fact' as written in the bible. My son is religious but I'm not in any way. I get that it can be a comfort at trying times but I don't want my son to rely on it entirely to deal with his grief. That's what I'm there for. His religion can help him understand but that will be it. No stars, no 'gone away', no 'gone to sleep' and certainly no visits from gran to us or us to gran.

Not looking forward to it at all, we have decided to discuss it with him on Friday when he finishes school for Xmas holidays. Hopefully he has a busy enough week after that to keep his wee mind occupied so he won't constantly be worried about when his gran is going to die.

Thanks so much again for your help. I feel reassured that I'm doing the right thing.

 

[tommyg]

You have the advantage of the cat dying. But watch out for odd questions like 'where is heaven?' which is where the stars came into it.

 

[lj2245]

I think he learned about Heaven in Sunday School. He told me it was somewhere we couldn't see or go so I know he knows that much!

 

[missmayhem]

i've not read it but there is a book about rainbow bridge

i believe it deals with the subject in a child friend manner (amazon reviews should help if your unsure)


good luck to you, not an easy conversatio to have but i admire you for your honesty and respect of your little boy

 

[lj2245]

So we told him today. I was completely honest with him. He didn't seem to be outwardly affected by it at all, he didn't cry or get upset. I know it likely just hasn't hit him yet and will do over the next few days but we are all determined that his Gran will have the best Xmas ever so Shaun has that to keep him occupied.

Next thing will be the talk when she's died then the discussion about whether he wants to attend the funeral or not. Not looking forward to those!