Advice needed. Deep sadness with broodiness

[Hopeful1986uk]

I'm really sorry if this is the wrong place to be posting this but I need some advice.
I'm 32, I have no children of my own, been with partner nearly 3 years, he has 15 year old and 6 year old from different mothers, I'm very involved with 6 year old who we have primary care of. I didn't feel the need for my own children when we got together but now I feel such crushing sadness every month it is really getting to me.
Since wanting children the last year or so we've spoke about it and partner days he's happy to have children in another 2 or 3 years which logically I guess I'm happy with but my hormones just aren't playing along. I can't help but feel the clock ticking, I can't help feeling annoyed that I support his family when I so desperately want (need) my own.
How can I keep my hormones in check? How much do I need to worry about aging? It makes me feel undeserved and unloved. I have been independent since 16 years old, worked hard, own my house, I have a good job and I just feel its my time.
Sorry again if this is the wrong place, I feel desperate. He won't budge.

 

[BB1982]

Yep, I hear that! I met my DH when I’d just turned 30, he had two kids (20 months and just 5 at the time). I already longed for a family, but being single there wasn’t much I could do!! Once I met him things just clicked and I wanted s baby desperately. He wanted to wait at least 2 years, and in the end it was 3 and a half before we started trying. My son was born 2 months before I turned 35. It was incredibly hard actively parenting his kids from someone else when I so desperately wanted a baby of my own. And I made sure I told him that and communicated my feelings. Make sure you do the same, tell him when you’re having a tough time with them. I hope you get what you long for. Xx

 

[Hopeful1986uk]

Thanks for replying, I do tell him but I just get an exasperated tone and basically get shut down. Our relationship is otherwise good but when these feelings hit I could just run for the hills I feel so down and under appreciated. Its eating me alive and really there's no reason that I can see that justifies putting me through this. He says he wants things to be perfect, that we should focus on the 6 year old. How do I make him understand?

 

[TWO2TANGO]

I don't think perfect is ever a thing. Life is not meant to be that way, we are always waiting for things to be perfect before we do this or that.
In saying that, you both should be on the same page when it comes to TTC. Have you made solid plans? Have you answered the questions of why you're waiting, what exactly is the "perfect" is there things you need to accomplish in the meantime? Do you have a timeline that you can look at tangibly to help you when you feel overwhelmed.

I am so extremely broody, I am away from my own family at the moment and a stay at home wife (no choice at the moment in regards to that) with no children so my broodiness is next level crazy but hubby and I know that we have debt to pay off first and we have a timeline for this and solid plans we are carrying out, I have to be considered medically safe to carry a pregnancy and right now I am not due to a surgery I had so we know the reasons why we are waiting (waiting for everything to be perfect is not a reason because perfect doesn't exist we are human and always wanting more and better so perfect is forever in the future) what we plan to accomplish in the waiting and when we plan to start TTC. Having the why and the when and the plan helps me sometimes when I get overwhelmed. You have to have a proper chat with him, it will help you both and especially you when you're super broody.

You're not alone though, there are many broody woman out there.

 

[Hopeful1986uk]

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[TWO2TANGO]

Broodiness is hormonal it's not a mental health illness or something like that you need to first overcome. It's totally a normal thing mother nature gives woman to help us reproduce I'm pretty sure. I don't know if this happens to you but around ovulation a lot of woman become more horny. This is my take on the "sadness" I am not sure how her neglect has anything to do with you and how you would parent, it's not fair for him to do that to you.

You gotta take care of you too, if you feel like you're giving to much then step back a little bit. Save some of your resources for yourself and your future children too. It would be tough to approach this in conversation to avoid hurting feelings but you gotta make sure he knows you've worked hard for the things you want in life and want the opportunity to enjoy those things. Does he not use his rewards on his children?

 

[Hopeful1986uk]

I honestly feel like he doesn't care what it is doing to me, he's got his children so he's fine. I treat the 6yo as my own, our relationship was defined by the child and he wanted that so here we are. Oh quotes this as reasons to be fulfilled but doesn't get its just not enough. The 15 Yr old is now in foster care as she came to live with us but her behaviour so violent (learnt from her mother) that I could not have that in my house. He's wary due to the behaviour of both his children's mothers but has openly said how good I am and will be as a mother. I just don't understand why he'd do this other than he just doesn't care which brings the whole wanting a child with him into question. His plate is obviously full, I guess I need to understand that but I am a human being too. I guess this will pass as it always does. I have stepped back, but I want to step up not go the other way. The 5 Yr old is also homeschooled so time money and resources have always and always will be allocated to him to a point. I want the absolute best for him but I do believe a baby would not stand in the way of that.

 

[Hopeful1986uk]

And thank you all for letting me vent it is really very helpful to hear from people who understand.

 

[Hopeful1986uk]

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[BB1982]

I can remember feeling so emotional when I’d get my period, I’d be evil towards my OH and occasionally to his kids, I’m not proud of that but I was so desperate and a lot of the time felt the ‘odd one out’ as I wasn’t really in his ‘family’. It was really really hard sometimes. I also felt like running for the hills on the days my hormones were raging.
It got to the point at one stage when I was finding it hard I told him if he didn’t want a child I’d go to a clinic and get impregnated by a doner. My argument was that he expected me to raise his kids with him, and so I’d go ahead and just have one and he’d have to help raise my child in the same way I’m expected to raise his. He just didn’t get it and obviously thought I’d got mental health issues!!
My sadness also came from the fact I wanted him to WANT to have a child, not just because he’d been bullied into it, which I started to feel.
You’re not alone, and my opinion is that your DH is being very harsh not really listening to you, and expecting you to be a mother to his children but then wait for the joy of having your own.

 

[Hopeful1986uk]

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[BB1982]

Ha ha!! Typical. He doesn’t want the baby but expects you to be responsible for the contraception!!! Tell him if he doesn’t want a baby he needs to take control of that and break out the condoms. Sorry, I think that is just heartless and selfish of him!!!

 

[Hopeful1986uk]

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[BB1982]

Ahh, yes, the pill does do weird things, but ‘real’ hormones can be hard to handle too.
When we weren’t trying I was on the pill but made him use condoms too. I refused to be blamed or accused of playing that game should we have been caught accidently! I’d been on the pill 16 years when I finally stopped, I have no plans on ever going back on it.