Advice on OH cheating please *added a bit more on post*

[KA92]

sorry again if this isnt the right place to post this....but like iv said youv all been really supportive. I really need advice im so confused ..

OKay so me an my OH have been together for around 5 6 months now...been through alot with losing baby etc...however i think hes just cheated on me
Its really long and confusing sorry

When i was pregnant i met his ex, who was a snidey b***h to me saying things like "oh remember when WE were together" and "come up to my flat for a cosy night" and "IF you get bored im on the third floor"(this was in library at uni)and rubbing against him and OH wasnt pushing her away and didnt introduce me just said "this is kim". Anyhow it turns out she is on his uni course(which he never told me). We argued but it was fine...i dont mind him talk to exes as long as he is honest about it.

He has exams coming up so spends alot of time in the uni library...he was texting me saying he was in the lib with his two lab partners...one called shauna other called becka or something...my mate text me saying "i can see Mike...hes with some girl, kinda all over him"i asked what she meant she said rubbing his back practically on his lap and he keeps calling her "mandy" (his ex from library above is called Amanda". Even though he claimed to be with his lab partners (who both have bfs).

Anyway, his other ex who he "never EVER sees" keeps writing to him on facebook with flirty messages...her facebook is private so i cant see what he replies with and he deletes the comments afterwards, becasue he thinks i havnt seen them. OH is planning to go home this weekend(he never told me this til yesterday but nevermind) and i found a message from his ex saying "so what you wana do when you get back?" on fb...he hasnt mentioned meeting up with her.

Also, last weekend i stayed at his and he was texting the whole night...claimed it was his dad and best mate...in the morning his phone went off and i was still next to him i noticed his inbox had his ex from the library in it...he still keeps saying he doesnt talk/see her!
Im so confused due to him lying and being caught out...has he cheated or is he just being friendly with them? He has also just admitteed that he has experimented with drugs...even though he knows all about my ex and how i wont be with someone who does them!

Also, recently he has not bothered to text me/phone me it is me who has to text him, plus hes been in a very bad mood constantly!
i love him so much, please help

 

[kintenda]

Oh hon...

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time of it. I'm not gonna wade in with saying what I think you should do etc etc because it's all objective... you know in your heart of hearts what the best thing to do is, your gut instinct. All I'd say is listen to that carefully.

However, I think you need a big, big chat with your OH. He needs to:
-admit what he's doing/done
-understand why it is disrespectful
-tell you why he went/is going along with this bit of fluff
-tell you whether this is in reaction to you losing your LO, or whether this is something that would have happened regardless IYKWIM?

If he can't change his behaviour, or if he's not able to answer those questions appropriately, then you may need to consider your future - especially considering that this is only a short time into your relationship.

Good luck doll. If you wanna vent we're here. xx

 

[aviolet]

kintenda gave perfect advice.

I'm so sorry. Kintenda has given the perfect advice.

For me, 5-6 months isn't a very long time to be together (assuming you don't see each other everyday, which you may and then it can definitely seem longer) and it's around this time that I think you find out what a person is really like, if they start to "change" in a negative way, if they get bored or whatever, the initial butterflies and excitement may have dwindled some and it can show another side of the person (lack of interest, lack of consideration too since he hasn't texted or called you much). You said before he was pushing his ex away and was uninterested, but now he seems to be enjoying the attention other women give him, so much that he's feeling guilty enough about it that he feels he has to hide it from you. I don't know if he's cheating or not but it's entirely possible that if he hasn't he will, considering he hasn't been turning down his exes advances or ignoring them. I'm really sorry Again, this is just based on your post, it could be that things aren't as they seem and he could just be going through a rough time after losing the baby and he needs to sort it out for himself (hence the lack of texting and calling), and knowing your upset about his past drug use may have him feeling a little upset too. The only thing you can do to know for sure is to try to talk to him and get him to open up to you.

Hope you two can have some good honest communication

 

[booflebump]

Lying about who he is with and who he is texting is bad enough - what else is he lying about? You need to have a serious chat with him about whats going on. You have been through a tough time in a relatively short relationship, and maybe he cant deal with it That is no excuse for lying to you - the library incident would have been enough for me to be having it out with him

x

 

[bebedawl]

just as i was reading what you wrote, it spiraled me back to when my ex was (i know now that he was) cheating on me. it was very apparent, he would text all day and night, be out all night, and sleep all day. he would hide his phone from me, and of course say that he was texting a friend or someone that was not another girl. i wish i had ended it sooner, but i stayed with him because he was also struggling a drug addiction. and he ended up leaving me for the girl he cheated with.
bite it in the butt if you can. good luck!

 

[KA92]

i just thought i should add...we are at the same uni and did work together so apart from this past week we saw each other every day

and when i stayed at his last weekend...he took his phone with hm into the bathroom when he went to the loo and again for a shower...shoulda added that in!

 

[xxJennaBearxx]

he sounds a bit fishy. id confront him. demand the truth. you deserve to know.

 

[happynbubbly]

I agree with anyone else, and am not going to tell you what you should do, but I will tell you what I think of it.

1) Someone who loves you wouldn't make you feel jealous. (not sure if you've used the L-word yet)

2) Someone worth your time wouldn't waste your time by filling it with silly drama and games that little children who haven't grown up play with eachother.

3) 5-6 months doesn't seem like a lot of time to some people, but it's definitely past the spot where I would feel hurt and like I'd wasted my time. It's definitely the moment I would reassess the situation.

In my opinion, if it were me, I would begin to question whether he has any respect. My OH had this crazy broad who he didn't even date after him. She was supposedly a friend, but one night she picked him up at work (he gets off at 11pm) and they hung out until 3am. I called him right after he got off work as usual and he said she had picked him up. I thought it would only last a few minutes, and this was right around the time I thought I could be pregnant and needed him that night for support. He kept losing reception, and the second time he called me back I was in tears and told him that it hurt that he was with her instead of being there for me and why. He immediately got rid of her, and any other advances she made were put to a stop by him, and so I could see it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, do what you think is right. You know him. If what he is doing seems shady it probably is. If he isn't upset at all that you're even questioning his integrity, then I'm not sure he could be worth your effort.

I hope that helps and didn't seem too preachy. I guess you touched a nerve

 

[lovehearts]

I would confront him hun. You cant carry on feeling like this and bottle it all up - would be better to know sooner than later. You have to be honest with him about how you feel about his ex. Sorry i cant give more advise - i think the other girls have said it all xx

 

[manofwant]

Sorry to say this, but it doesn't sound like he's worth the hassle. Cheating or not. If I had a girl intentionally all over me the first thing I would do is push her away.

It sounds as if you've already convinced yourself that he's not worth it. Sit back, have a think and have some time to yourself.

 

[Lois]

Regardless of whether he has actually cheated on you, why on earth would you want to stay with this guy?! He lies, he flirts with other women behind your back and keeps messages away from you. When you think about the man you're going to spend your life with and who is going to bring up children with you, does any of that feature on the wishlist?!

I know it's not easy when you think that you should be with a person but I really think you should get rid of him. He sounds like a heartbreak waiting to happen.

Lx

 

[Missi]

As with the others, I don't want to tell you what to do. Only you know what is the right thing.

IMO it depends on what you are looking for from a relationship. If you are not really into anything serious then this may be the relationship for you. If you are looking to settle down and find 'the one' then it is probably not. Serious relationships need to start as they mean to go on. Is this how you want to feel in the foreseeable future?

This may sound harsh but these decisions are best made nearer the start of the relationship.

Hope it all works out for you x

 

[needausername]

Sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time.

First of all, your OH's behaviour does sounds fishy and even if he isn't up to something it is really showing up his immaturity by lieing about his whereabouts and it is disrespectful to be constantly texting in your presence like that no matter who it is. It is up to you whether you want to tolerate this behaviour for any longer.

While you have both been through a lot you will get over him if you do decide to end it, you will meet other boys, some will be great but you can guarantee you will meet plenty of frogs too (or as in my case lots of Gollum's.)

 

[Pyrrhic]

Sorry, but you've been together for 6 months and he is flirting with other people, bringing you down and making you feel worthless, and putting other people before you?

Why on earth are you with him? If he acts this way after 6 months, how do you think he is going to be in years to come? Pick up your self respect and walk away from this idiot. If you don't have respect for yourself, no man ever will.

 

[mandaa1220]

you need to have a serious chat... thse ladies summed it up pretty well hun but
pm if you need anything xx

 

[xsophiexleax]

Well everyone else has pretty much summed up what I was gonna say!
I can't say whether he definitely is cheating or not, but regardless of that, he's lying to you, he's allowing other girls to flirt with him, flirting back, hiding messages from you. It's all a bit odd and if you let it all slide then he could begin to think he could get away with more.
I'd have a serious chat with him if I were you hun, and if he doesn't seem to care or even consider your feelings then it might be time to move on.
Hope you're okay we're all here for you xxxxx

 

[AP]

if that kind of attitude he has carried on you could find yourself in a complete disaster. What if you did get pregnant to him?My Oh cheated on me and i cant even begin to tell you what a mess it made. You have your chance to get out with no ties,no children, and find someone who truely deserves your good heart.

 

[plutosblue]

Hi hun, I agree with all the other girls here, call him on it.

Like the others, I won't tell you what to do but I will tell you what, I as a person would do or tell my close friends if it was them.

You, in your heart of hearts will know if the relationship is not working, and even if you love him you have to think of your own wellbeing, what are you gaining out of this relationship, and decide what you need to do. A relationship is never going to work if it is one sided, I learnt that from my first relationship, which after 2 years of hurt and trying, broke down.

I would never be in a relationship now, where my partner was holding all the cards so to speak, I would sit him down and make it clear that his actions upset you, are not at all acceptable and need to stop. Otherwise I would show him the door. If he loves you, he will stop what he is doing to make you happy.

5 - 6 months is still very early in a relationship, but enough to know whether you can stick it out, but you still have time to nip it in the bud. Don't be with someone who treats you any less than a princess, you can find so much better.