Advice please

[WTTStarshine]

Posting this here too for advice

I've been desperate to become a mother since I was around 11, I'm now nearly 21, suffer with severe avoidant personality disorder since childhood. Basically, I'm unable to make friends, connect with people, socialise in ANY way, all because of fear. I fear being humilated, ridiculed, criticized, so i avoid people because i'm extremely sensitive. I've never had a job, been on disability benefits since I was 16. I've always had these problems, I was always a painfully shy kid at school, and I still have these problems, only worse. I have tried cbt, NLP, hypnotherapy, acupuncture, linden method, selfhelp books, medications, nothing has worked. I don't know if i'll ever be able to lead a 'normal' life, or if i'll ever be cured, and i'm tired of being mentally tormented.

Because of my problems, i've never had a relationship, nor will I ever be able to keep one, because so far, I am greatly misunderstood as just being shy, or not trying hard enough, etc which just makes me feel worse. I am unable to leave the house alone. I've been given a life I don't want, with no hope of being a normal person or ever being able to contribute to society.

The only thing that could ever help is becoming a mother. You might think that's selfish or crazy, However, my situation is different and the only thing that could motivate me, encourage me and give me the strength to overcome this, is the goal of having a child which is all i have ever wanted for years, I am very maternal. Then I would have every reason to fight, i'd just do it, because I would have everything I need. I know that is the only way I can get out of this rut, with the hope of a happier, more fulfilled life.

I'd love to be a foster carer and adopt, but I know i would be rejected once they find out i tried to kill myself 4 times when I was 13/14, and the fact that I have all these other problems.

The rare times I have ever held a baby, I have felt so much joy and peace, my problems didn't matter. I'm not saying that it will be easy, but it will definitely give me contentment, joy and fulfillment.

Because I don't have a partner, and I won't ever be able to find someone willing to put up with me, so I'd use an open sperm donor.

 

[LollyZ]

Hi, I'm sorry you have this problem
This choice of having a baby on your own must be a very hard one. Do you have someone to talk to, like a therapist? It might help you with your concerns so you can make a decision.
Unfortunately I can't help you as to wether you should go ahead or not.. But I wish you the best of luck!

 

[QTPie]

Hi

I am so sorry fir your problems - that sounds incredibly difficult. From reading your story I just wish I could help.

I think that you have to think very very carefully about having a baby with your current issues:
- there is an awful lot of difference between holding a baby a few times (I get the impression that you haven't cared/babysat for one) and being a mother. Being a mum is wonderful, but it is also one of the hardest things that a woman can do (physically, emotionally and mentally). It can get very tough, especially without the support of a good partner who is there for you 24/7 (although I hope that you have good family support). Even the strongest women can get thrown into depression by motherhood. If you have difficulties already, then I think this could cause you an awful lot more aggravation.

I would always recommend that a woman is in a "good place" (both within herself and within a supportive relationship) before seriously contemplating having a child: otherwise she could bring herself an awful lot more grief and potentially cause grief for her child.

There is a lot to be said for proving motivation before the fact: it is easy to say "if I have X, then that will give me motivation to do Y", when maybe it is better to say "I am so motivated to get X, that I will do Y".

Please seek further professional counselling: I am positive that you can beat this, but I honestly think that you need to tackle your issues before having a baby, for your own sake.

Take really good care of yourself

 

[NurseSooz]

I think the above post is perfect advice and so lovingly put. You are destined to become a mama and I'm sure it will happen for you. Don't try the 'if I do x then I'll be fine'. I felt that about buying our own place and although it was great it came with other issues. I used to be a neonatal nurse and I've seen women in similar situations. You will initially feel amazing but the something else will take the place of 'if I get x then I'll be fine.' Get yourself a good support network and here is a great start! Much hugs and smiles xx

 

[Smile181c]

Can't really elaborate on what the other girls have said hun. We're all here if you need to chat xx

 

[Pearls18]

I think QT has put it perfectly. It is such a common misconception to believe a baby would make everything perfect, commonly a relationship but all too often I've read women who are feeling lonely, depressed or just generally like something is missing thinking a baby will fill that hole and make everything right again. While loving a baby and feeling love back is the most amazing feeling in the world, it is incredibly overwhelming, I completely understand what you mean about thinking a baby will give you that epiphany you haven't had, but instead I fear it will cause you even greater pressures on yourself to feel better. I know when I am having a down day it is so hard looking after my LO, and a million time harder when my DH is away, I wouldn't dream of being a single mother. I don't think you're selfish at all for wanting a child, I completely empathise with you, but you deserve a family unit, the father to support you when you're having a down day. You're still very young and have time to sort things and have a child, who knows maybe it'll be meeting someone who will help you, I've heard great things about internet dating!

 

[QTPie]

I think the above post is perfect advice and so lovingly put.

Thank goodness for that! I knew what I wanted to say and wanted to say it the most dimplomatic way that I could (but it doesn't always come out that way ).

A child is a real blessing, but you really need to be in a good place to survive the "challenges" that they throw at you (and single parents find it even tougher... my hat s always off to single parents). I have seen people and relationships torn apart by childbirth and/or being a parent.

I would hate to see the OP (or anyone else) adding significantly to their troubles by rushing into having a baby at the wrong time.

QT

 

[ds0910]

The only one who can really make that decision is you and you are the only one that truely knows how YOU feel. Good luck sweetie and just make sure you think everything through before you make your choice.

 

[Emily Roses M]

(())

 

[calm]

I had to WTT because of my panic problem, not social anxiety, but agoraphobia. I still have it actually, but not so limiting, I can do a normal life more or less. I was just going to suggest ACT therapy, you can click on my siggy as I have a blog about it. Its all about stopping avoiding and little by little allow yourself to feel that pain/fear and go forward regardless, with time, then with time the fear fades as you no longer make it important or let it influence your actions. Its not easy, but it does work. I don't personally suggest being a mother to try and help yourself, I used to think similar thoughts, and now I see its just another avoidance strategy, you don't know it will all of a sudden make you different and able to face what now you can't. I would centre on this, you can be well, believe me. Good luck XXX

 

[I Love Lucy]

I think QTPie said it perfectly. I really hope you get stuff figured out. I can only imagine how difficult things have been for you.

 

[milf2be]

Hiya, im so sorry for what you have been through, i have a friend with a similar problem which started around 18 months ago. its very difficult.

Firstly, im assuming you have a counsellor? if so maybe talk to them about it? find out if they know of anyone in similar situations having a baby. have a look on the internet and see if you can find anyone that way. find out what happened, if they had any problems, any success stories etc.

Then you need to go to your GP. you mention medications, find out if you need to change these before TTC. find out how you can get in the optimum health before TTC, get a prescription for folic acid etc.

How are you going to support this baby and yourself? where do you live, is it big enough for a baby? are you going to need to move beforehand? you said you only receive disability benefit - i know from MIL it isnt much, is this enough to support a baby? bear in mind if you chose not to breastfeed or it doesnt work out you will be spending around £10 a week on formula, probably the same again if not more for nappies, then there's wipes, baby bath, talc, lotion, barrier cream, medications such as calpol and teething gel, toys, books, clothes etc. Then there is the whole ethical dilemma of raising a baby on benefits on purpose (if this is the case)

do you have anyone to help you? EVERYONE needs a break at some point. a good support network is needed, regardless of your situation when you have a baby.

i would expect social services to be involved, so prepare yourself for that. dont take it personally, they are there to help and anyone with any from of previous or current depression has a FSR in their notes, most of the time it is just ignored. maybe if you do find someone that was in a similar position to yourself, find out if they had social services contact and what happened.

you need to consider the prospect of PND and how you will cope if this happens. Having a baby is a huge shock to the system, i commonly describe it has being winded or punched in the stomach. i had PND and its not nice. as much as you think a baby will help you, you need to consider it might have the opposite affect.

what will you tell the baby when it is older and asking questions about their daddy and if they want to meet them?

are you agoraphobic, do you have problems getting out and about? you need to go for a lot of appointments when pregnant and you will need to take the baby out, ideally on a daily basis. are you them having friends over when they are older? how about going swimming? going on holiday? etc. (again just assuming the worst case scenario). will you be able to teach a child how o social interact effectively, or give them the chance to?

find out what kind of services they have to help you at you local NHS trust. do they have a specialist midwife for mental illnesses, i know at our trust we have a midwife trained in counselling people with depression.

and lastly, agree with PP. A baby is very hard work and for the first 5 weeks of their life (first smile) you get absolutely nothing back of them and thats really hard.

good luck with everything, if you need a chat or want to know anything i can do my best to answer you if you want to give me a message xxx

 

[giiyellow]

You will initially feel amazing but the something else will take the place of 'if I get x then I'll be fine.' Get yourself a good support network and here is a great start! Much hugs and smiles xx

 

[goddess25]

A lot of the girls have given great advice. I understand your need to have a child, and as the others have said its very very tough. We are here to listen to you if you need it. x