Afraid I am 'losing' my daughter after DS born

[Abz1982]

DS is 8 months. DD is 5 in 4 months.
Now she loves her brother - so she says, but then tonight she told me how some people are born to be nice, and others are born to hurt and kill people, and she cant help that she was just born to hurt E(ds).

I try to do stuff with her, but I will tell her that once I settle E then we can do something, but I will settle him and of course, I turn my back or go to take something to kitchen etc and she will upset him. Not always nasty, some times she will hug him, but it will be SO tight he starts screaming. Or she will sit stroking his head then just pull his hair.

DS adores her, in fact its her name he has said first over Mum or Dad! He will leap from you to go to her and goes mental excited in the car when I pick her up from nursery.

But more importantly..........she seems lost. OH says she is just realising how spoilt she is/was - I dont mean that nastily just that obviously she had me for 4 years to herself. The other day at my dads she wanted to go outside so I let her - its an enclosed garden and no water hazards etc - and she REALLY wanted me to push her on the swing but I couldnt as DS was really upset over god knows what, think someone looked at him funny (hes a tad sensitive!) and my mum couldnt hold him as hes too heavy for her now and I couldnt take him out as I forgot any form of outdoor clothing.
But I looked out the door and she was just sitting there on the swing, looking forlorn and so down.
She keeps looking at me and I swear, its like her eyes are dead. Before they had this sparkle but now, it seems gone.
She actually told me she didnt love me and that she hated me the other day. My dad made her come through and apologise to me, which she did, laughing, not understanding how its hurtful - she has been told. And of course you cannot do a tit for tat with that sort of thing.

I try to involve her, but she gets bored or annoyed after a few minutes. She refuses to try things more than once if she cant do it first time. If we go to a play barn, of course I cant leave DS and go with her, but I also cannot carry DS with me to follow her.

I go back to work next week and its basically full time - well 36 hours but a full week. I want to try and have one day at the weekend, or even just a morning to go and do stuff with just her, but I cant see OH cooperating. He is ok with DS, but his view is that he has worked all week and needs his days off (funny, I do all the well, EVERYTHING, all the time, every day and will drive 2 hours a day to go to work!)
He thinks sitting watching hours of cartoons with her is enough of an activity to do with her.. all thats got me is a kid that likes 'Yo Mama' jokes!

The other problem is that I just cannot really do things like barbies and playing shops. I just don't get the attraction, I cannot regress to that. So I also dont really know WHAT to do with her.

I need to do something but I dont know what . My sister was going to contribute towards riding lessons for her once she gets married in March, so that could be our thing together as that's my interest as well. I dont mind colouring with her, or baking, but again she gets frustrated and will on purpose destroy what she is doing or just wander off.

I just dont know what to do . I love them both dearly, but I cant help but feel I maybe left it too late to have DS, they aren't close enough in age, or if I had waited 2-3 more years then DD would be more independent and settled at school and have friends locally, which she does not have as she doesn't go to the school nursery.

 

[Natasha2605]

How sad for your little girl.

I think it's nice that you recognise the problems and the need for change. Do you not have a playpen or travel cot to pop DS in to have half hour spells with your daughter one on one whilst your DH is at work?

When you daughter wanted pushed on the swing couldn't you have just put DS down on a living room floor to crawl about, or lie with somebody chatting to him to push her? Personally in that situation I'd have wrapped DS in somebody's jumper and went out and pushed her if I absolutely had to take him with. I know it would have been a little inconvenient but would have been worth it to see your DD happy.

I imagine she's just feeling really left out. Time is precious so all I would advise is to sit down and chat through with your DH and tell him what you need and how you feel. I'd get your DD to sit with you and make a fun list of things she'd like to do just the two of your, baking, shopping, painting etc.

As for the not wanting to play barbies and shops etc I'd just suck it up if that's what makes your DD happy. I'm another that would rather craft or something but if that's what Summer really wants to do then of course I'll do it.

If she doesn't want to help with the baby etc leave her be. I'm sure in time she'll come around and you'll see the benefits on the age gap.

 

[Abz1982]

How sad for your little girl.

I think it's nice that you recognise the problems and the need for change. Do you not have a playpen or travel cot to pop DS in to have half hour spells with your daughter one on one whilst your DH is at work?

When you daughter wanted pushed on the swing couldn't you have just put DS down on a living room floor to crawl about, or lie with somebody chatting to him to push her? Personally in that situation I'd have wrapped DS in somebody's jumper and went out and pushed her if I absolutely had to take him with. I know it would have been a little inconvenient but would have been worth it to see your DD happy.

I imagine she's just feeling really left out. Time is precious so all I would advise is to sit down and chat through with your DH and tell him what you need and how you feel. I'd get your DD to sit with you and make a fun list of things she'd like to do just the two of your, baking, shopping, painting etc.

As for the not wanting to play barbies and shops etc I'd just suck it up if that's what makes your DD happy. I'm another that would rather craft or something but if that's what Summer really wants to do then of course I'll do it.

If she doesn't want to help with the baby etc leave her be. I'm sure in time she'll come around and you'll see the benefits on the age gap.

I have a jumperoo and a walker that he goes in, but then she wants to play/mess with him when he is in them, which if fine if she is careful but she will often try to like slam bounce him in it.

I could have left him I guess, but he doesn't crawl yet and it is a laminate floor and the swing is the other side of the house and across the garden. I did leave him once and my mum got distressed as she couldn't pick him up when he was freaking out and he spewed and started choking on it so she is really wary.

I am definately going to have to make DH pull his weight! Just this morning after driving him to work I get home and there is not a clean dish, so I have to wash dishes before I can feed the kids.

Ive tried to get her to do something with me today but she just wants peppe pig, or she asked me to make her cupcakes (she didnt want to help) so that she can put icing on it and lick it off.

OH thinks she needs to realise that she cannot have folk playing with her 24/7. MIL does when she comes through, literally from getting up at 7am till she goes to sleep at 11pm (she wont go to bed any earlier when MIL is through) she will be playing with DD and running around after her(I dont mean tidying etc, I mean literally, DD orders "get me this, get me that, do this, do that granma" and she does it - have caught her sneaking DD a bottle of milk at lunch time before). I find this really hard to compete with as she sees MIL as better than me - as also when I went back to work after maternity leave with her MIL looked after her for us, she was really traumatised by my leaving her, and for the first month wouldn't let me hold her without her screaming. MIL had to live with us to look after her so basically during the week I did NOTHING with her as she wouldn't let me and MIL would just take over . That was when I then put her in nursery 3 days a week then I went part time so we had the 2 days together, but she refused to do whatever I took her to do, so I gave up as I was fed up of her asking to do A, you go to A and then she hates it and wants to go home.

I just cannot see how I can fit everything in when I go back to work and keep DD happy/included. I plan on having her help me with laundry and if she is still awake when we get back from Nursery the dinner and dishes(will be near 6pm we get home). I will have to ban OH from having cartoons on though as if they are on she will not do anything for anyone.

I was going to make a cake with her today but I have an upset tummy so whatever we made would just have to be binned(don't have the money to bin food) as who'd want a cake made by someone with stomach flu .

 

[Bex84]

could you get a carrier for your son so you have hands free for playing with dd, as for stuff to do with her I would play what ever she wants, if she wants to play barbies you should, the game doesent have to be something you enjoy. Maybe do a cinema night just for you and dd where your son stays with daddy, or swimming, bowling etc

 

[Bex84]

with icing why not get plain digestive biscuits you can ice and decorate or you can get pre made fairy cakes to ice

 

[Abz1982]

with icing why not get plain digestive biscuits you can ice and decorate or you can get pre made fairy cakes to ice

I usually get the ginger bread men as she likes decorating them.


DS is down for a nap so I tried to get her to do some stuff, she didn't want to do anything (her words) but was hungry so went to find what she would like for lunch, doesn't want anything we have! Which is tough, I believe you can eat what your given, not pandering to that one.

So she offers to help me do the laundry and play mums and dads - which equals her wearing my clothes and throwing laundry all round the living room and I have to wash loads of it as well as she spat on some of them . SHe has now stormed upstairs as I told her off for the spitting and the tv was off (she has her dolls house in her room). I can hear her banging about and its disturbed DS in his bed. I will tidy up the mess and do the laundry then go see what she is doing.

 

[Abz1982]

could you get a carrier for your son so you have hands free for playing with dd, as for stuff to do with her I would play what ever she wants, if she wants to play barbies you should, the game doesent have to be something you enjoy. Maybe do a cinema night just for you and dd where your son stays with daddy, or swimming, bowling etc

This is what I am hoping to do! She LOVES swimming but of course the rules mean I cant take both of them myself so we haven't been able to go unless OH comes - and he keeps saying next weekend, then changing his mind! MEN.

She asked me today if she can just be a baby again, she wants a baby costume - i m pretty sure thats just a size 6 nappy!

 

[Bex84]

what about something at home like a film night where she picks film, and you have snacks to cuddle up. Your dh can keep an eye on your son, or have time reading bed time stories. I haven't been in your position, so just suggestions. I am due my second lo in august when lo is 3, I plan on wearing new baby which I did with lo to, it allows a lot more freedom. I spend most of time in living room so will have swing and jumperoo set up (obviously jumperoo when old enough). I have looked after friends lo and she plays regularly with her cousin and friends so I don't think my lo will have such a transition. Could you put blanket on floor so you can have baby on floor while you play with her. I know with the children I worked with its common for them to be jealous so I don't think its your daughter been spoilt. If not I have no hope lol my lo co slept, was worn, breast fed, never left to cry, I say this as she is cuddled next to me for a nap (which is an odd occurrence) on sofa as I have morning sickeness but she wont get any less cuddles with new baby. Gosh when I look after my friends lo I have one on each knee lol. She sounds insecure, maybe right some activities you can do in the week down and she picks one each day, I don't mess with food either, my lo does get offered same as what I am having though I do cook stuff I know she likes but she isn't fussy. We have toys downstairs but to be honest my lo never had naps upstairs either. I got on with cleaning in naps and she sleeps through but I would be putting toys downstairs for your daughter to play with if babies asleep upstairs and is a light sleeper. Could you make a schedule with husband, have a list of stuff to do no excuses including swimming, he could take baby to a café if you just want to take daughter on your own

 

[Abz1982]

what about something at home like a film night where she picks film, and you have snacks to cuddle up. Your dh can keep an eye on your son, or have time reading bed time stories. I haven't been in your position, so just suggestions. I am due my second lo in august when lo is 3, I plan on wearing new baby which I did with lo to, it allows a lot more freedom. I spend most of time in living room so will have swing and jumperoo set up (obviously jumperoo when old enough). I have looked after friends lo and she plays regularly with her cousin and friends so I don't think my lo will have such a transition. Could you put blanket on floor so you can have baby on floor while you play with her. I know with the children I worked with its common for them to be jealous so I don't think its your daughter been spoilt. If not I have no hope lol my lo co slept, was worn, breast fed, never left to cry, I say this as she is cuddled next to me for a nap (which is an odd occurrence) on sofa as I have morning sickeness but she wont get any less cuddles with new baby. Gosh when I look after my friends lo I have one on each knee lol. She sounds insecure, maybe right some activities you can do in the week down and she picks one each day, I don't mess with food either, my lo does get offered same as what I am having though I do cook stuff I know she likes but she isn't fussy. We have toys downstairs but to be honest my lo never had naps upstairs either. I got on with cleaning in naps and she sleeps through but I would be putting toys downstairs for your daughter to play with if babies asleep upstairs and is a light sleeper. Could you make a schedule with husband, have a list of stuff to do no excuses including swimming, he could take baby to a café if you just want to take daughter on your own

I have designated half the dining area as the kids toy area, we have mats and her toy kitchen and shop and all DS toys all piled up(OH hates it!), that is specifically so she can play down here with us.
We did playdough last night, DS ate (its homemade stuff) a toy cup cake she made - what a lovely nappy that was!

So far she has been nice today. I am noticing something...............OH has been letting her have corn flakes for breakfast - they arent corn flakes, they are FROSTIES!! Today we have none so she had porridge and she is a much nicer child, and is being nicer to DS compared to most days.

We also co slept - when we moved here we had no heating so for a few weeks DD was in our bed all the time, and to be honest she has been on and off for years. When DS was in our room she couldn't be in the bed as much and that upset her, but it wasn't safe as she moves about so much that I couldnt feed DS (im a chubber so need the room!)

 

[Bex84]

it sounds like your really trying, maybe get her one of those ready bed things if she wants to sleep near you, or my lo like sometimes to go for a cuddle in the bed in the day, I bet the breakfast does make a difference to

 

[Rachel_C]

She sounds like a normal 4.5 year old to me, I wouldn't worry too much about it. She doesn't sound spoilt or like she has any real issues... apart from being 4! It's a difficult age - you're still really very small but people want you to do more things for yourself and start making you wait for things instead of getting everything you want/need straight away! Then there are loads of things you want to do for yourself but you can't manage or you're told you're too little to do... which is just weird when you're BIG now!

I do think you need to work out a way to play games with her that SHE likes. Barbies are crap but if she likes them, it won't kill you to make stupid voices and pretend you care about pink shoes for half an hour but it might make the world of difference to her.

I'd definitely get a decent baby carrier for your LO. At that age, you can probably put him on your back if you want, which will make playing with your daughter much easier.

 

[Quartz]

I have a similar age gap and I found the point when DS was around 8 months to be by far the hardest in that he got in her way and she would forever be asking if he go somewhere else. A few months later and its totally different they interact much better and even play together so firstly give it time.

Secondly I found I needed to make time for both of them - your OH needs to step up and help first of all. I also have my parents. Its difficult leaving DS sometimes with them or OH so we get to spend some quality time together. I also let her go and spend time with my parents so she has quality time with them away from her brother. It does not need to be a lot. I also agree with a PP play games that she likes.

I also find now DS is older he fights back (and sometimes attacks) and I tell him off and she finds it reassuring that its consistent parenting rather than me choosing DS over her. Now she realises that they are both equally my children they get on much better. In fact the other week when she put herself in timeout DS followed her and spent the entire time hugging her and she was touched that she had an ally

 

[hattiehippo]

My 4 yr old is very similar in that he wants everything on his terms and is very, very emotional. He also wants to play the most boring role play games based on either Rapunzel or Room on the Broom.

I know it's hard to force yourself to play Barbies, dolls, cars etc especially when it's the same thing over and over but his face lights up when I pretend to be the witch etc and it's makes it worthwhile.

I would try to come up with a list with your DD of special things she wants to do with you and see if you can fit any of them in. And if it's playing with Barbies try your hardest to do it for her...at least it's free and you don't have to leave the house!

 

[Abz1982]

She sounds like a normal 4.5 year old to me, I wouldn't worry too much about it. She doesn't sound spoilt or like she has any real issues... apart from being 4! It's a difficult age - you're still really very small but people want you to do more things for yourself and start making you wait for things instead of getting everything you want/need straight away! Then there are loads of things you want to do for yourself but you can't manage or you're told you're too little to do... which is just weird when you're BIG now!

I do think you need to work out a way to play games with her that SHE likes. Barbies are crap but if she likes them, it won't kill you to make stupid voices and pretend you care about pink shoes for half an hour but it might make the world of difference to her.

I'd definitely get a decent baby carrier for your LO. At that age, you can probably put him on your back if you want, which will make playing with your daughter much easier.

How freaky..........that is almost exactly what DD said to me this morning!
She keeps reitterating she wants to be a baby again, so I explained that she would be rather boring then as what would we talk about other then Ga an Go. She was over the moon as Ii got a new food mixer so she is anticipating the cake making we will do on Thursday(she has nursery all day tomorrow) and on Friday the childminder is taking DS for the day as we have to go do wedding stuff with my sis so I am planning doing lunch with her and maybe if the weather is nice I will take her to the park she loves or if rainy might go to the massive play zone by the beach.

 

[AerisandAlex]

DS is 8 months. DD is 5 in 4 months.
Now she loves her brother - so she says, but then tonight she told me how some people are born to be nice, and others are born to hurt and kill people, and she cant help that she was just born to hurt E(ds).

I try to do stuff with her, but I will tell her that once I settle E then we can do something, but I will settle him and of course, I turn my back or go to take something to kitchen etc and she will upset him. Not always nasty, some times she will hug him, but it will be SO tight he starts screaming. Or she will sit stroking his head then just pull his hair.

DS adores her, in fact its her name he has said first over Mum or Dad! He will leap from you to go to her and goes mental excited in the car when I pick her up from nursery.

But more importantly..........she seems lost. OH says she is just realising how spoilt she is/was - I dont mean that nastily just that obviously she had me for 4 years to herself. The other day at my dads she wanted to go outside so I let her - its an enclosed garden and no water hazards etc - and she REALLY wanted me to push her on the swing but I couldnt as DS was really upset over god knows what, think someone looked at him funny (hes a tad sensitive!) and my mum couldnt hold him as hes too heavy for her now and I couldnt take him out as I forgot any form of outdoor clothing.
But I looked out the door and she was just sitting there on the swing, looking forlorn and so down.
She keeps looking at me and I swear, its like her eyes are dead. Before they had this sparkle but now, it seems gone.
She actually told me she didnt love me and that she hated me the other day. My dad made her come through and apologise to me, which she did, laughing, not understanding how its hurtful - she has been told. And of course you cannot do a tit for tat with that sort of thing.

I try to involve her, but she gets bored or annoyed after a few minutes. She refuses to try things more than once if she cant do it first time. If we go to a play barn, of course I cant leave DS and go with her, but I also cannot carry DS with me to follow her.

I go back to work next week and its basically full time - well 36 hours but a full week. I want to try and have one day at the weekend, or even just a morning to go and do stuff with just her, but I cant see OH cooperating. He is ok with DS, but his view is that he has worked all week and needs his days off (funny, I do all the well, EVERYTHING, all the time, every day and will drive 2 hours a day to go to work!)
He thinks sitting watching hours of cartoons with her is enough of an activity to do with her.. all thats got me is a kid that likes 'Yo Mama' jokes!

The other problem is that I just cannot really do things like barbies and playing shops. I just don't get the attraction, I cannot regress to that. So I also dont really know WHAT to do with her.

I need to do something but I dont know what . My sister was going to contribute towards riding lessons for her once she gets married in March, so that could be our thing together as that's my interest as well. I dont mind colouring with her, or baking, but again she gets frustrated and will on purpose destroy what she is doing or just wander off.

I just dont know what to do . I love them both dearly, but I cant help but feel I maybe left it too late to have DS, they aren't close enough in age, or if I had waited 2-3 more years then DD would be more independent and settled at school and have friends locally, which she does not have as she doesn't go to the school nursery.

I'm sorry you're going through this I am a tad worried of going through this very thing with my own DS when our new little one is born, they'll be about the same difference in age as your two little ones are, but he has his older sister who's closer in age which I'm hoping will help but there's still that chance, because he's so attached to me, he's going to feel jealous of the attention to the new little one too.

I've been trying to juggle what I'm going to do but of course nothing will be without trial and error.

Is your DD in preschool yet? I know you say she's in daycare but there maybe a preschool program in your area, or Headstart she can start attending to keep her mind off the attention, and even better, usually the preschool programs and Headstart programs encourage a lot of adult interaction at the school itself and have maybe parent child projects so the children get the one on one time with their parents that they need, so maybe you can put your DS in daycare and go and spend time with your DD during a day of preschool/headstart?

If there's not any of those programs, there may be some other type of program you can get her into that you two can do while your OH or daycare takes care of your little DS.... I know sometimes our town will hold events at our mall or around town that my DS just can't do because he's just too young so I'll take DD while OH watches DS and then she gets that special one on one time.

It just seems you're having trouble finding a way to have someone take care of DS for you for a short time so you can spend one-on-one time with your DD and that can be difficult especially if family is unwilling to help or OH is asking for those 'breaks', (which I've been there and done that, you just have to put your foot down with OH, mine did the same thing and told me he did 'everything' because he watched DS and DD when I was working 40 to 50 hours a week being screamed at by angry customers all day long... so he thought he should have time to go to the bar with friends on Friday or go out and goof off with his friends and their fancy cars. I never got a 'break' or time to go with my friends ever, all I did was work and clean and take care of the kids 24/7: so I told him, it's either his friends or his family, and he chose his family and stopped all the whining about needing 'breaks'. It was really hard to do and we had a huge argument about it that lasted hours, but it had to be done and eventually he decided he wanted to put his time in being a family, then a 'roommate' or 'babysitter' as a I called him for acting so selfish.)

I'd just see if maybe the daycare is willing to take care of DS on some days and try and find an activity that's going on that you can share with your DD, like taking her out to a movie or something or even getting her a simple milkshake or pretzel at the mall and window shopping with her, maybe even buying her something small just for her, like a little doll Little things mean all the world to kids especially at that age.

 

[Mrs Doddy]

I can relate to this too - dd is 4 in August and a 3 month old. I try hard to keep her routine the same and poor ds is dragged around with us ! She wants me to be with her all the time and playing wih her, I'm trying to get ds to sleep upstairs in his cot for all his naps so that gives us time together, I also out him to bed earlier than him so get that time together too - only thing is she is a dad's girl and alway has been so she often will go to him, I've been doing bedtime a lot and story time is a good time together. I'm trying to work out getting some time completely alone wih her when h can look after ds but she will always want them to come too !

I think (well for me anyway) it's about rebuilding that bond with each other and having time in each day just the two of you