After nearly 5 years giving up TTC now

[LaPinska]

Well i lie, i gave it up almost 3 months ago, for the most part. i stopped doing bbt, stopped taking OPKs, stopped timing sex. the only thing i keep track of is my cycle length. i barely visit the boards now, i ignore pregnancy announcements from friends on facebook, and i don't watch any tv or movies that have to do with it. i pretty much avoid it like the plague. I'm only just now at the point where i want to talk about it, i just don't know anyone irl who can relate.

At the beginning of this yr we finally saw a gynecologist, had s/a done only to be told we cannot have children naturally and our only hope is ivf. i was told even iui would most likely not work. so without any money.. we have no way of conceiving. i'm still so frustrated even after all this break time where i've not thought about it.

it doesn't help that everything that happens to us drains us financially, it's like my life is just a string of bad events over and over and over.

i stopped going to the doctor and went off many meds to save money, then finally quit TTC and what happens? Hurricane Irene blows over a giant tree and it lands on our house, once more putting us into severe financial instability. I will say though i managed to get a promotion just before the hurricane hit, but my lovely boss forgot to give me the raise, then left the company. also because we had to up and move out suddenly due to our uninhabitable house, our rent went up. things are tight. really tight. i lost all of my belongings from my kitchen back.. including the master bathroom and everything in my bedroom. we've been sleeping on the floor for weeks now.

i just don't know what to do with myself now. i'm not the type of person who can only focus on my job and not care about anything else. i grew up without a family so my immediate concern after being married was to create one of our own to love. i just feel like i'm left with a huge void in my life, a bottomless pit of sadness that will not go away. i had so many, many plans. i also must admit i am not religious but i do feel as if god has shunned me. i understand that maybe i haven't found the right path yet but if the right path isn't something i want with my heart then how will i know it's right?

i am heading towards 30 yrs old.. i never ever thought i would get to this age without any children.. i have three good friends i grew up with and they all have at least 3. i feel totally left out. and at this rate i do not forsee any great fortune in my future.. my DH has accepted that we won't have children. how am i supposed to move past this. life just seems so black and white with no end goal.

 

[Jennifer01]

I'm really sorry.
I won't pretend to know what you are going through. My 20's were, however, very chaotic, and it has been my experience that it gets better. I wish you the best of luck with everything!

 

[LaPinska]

thank you. i'm not expecting any answers or anything like that. i just need somewhere to vent i suppose.. i should have figured all these pent up feelings would come out to haunt me sooner or later when i chose to ignore them!

 

[Chris77]

I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. I don't really know what to say but wanted to give you tons of

 

[Armywife84]

Oh my.

I had to look up your condition, never heard of it. Although it says that it may cause birth defects in pregnancy, I didn't read anything about infertility. Just if you myxedema coma. So because of this disease you have this is why the doctor's say you will never conceive naturally?

Personally, I wouldn't let life win. I would keep on working (2 jobs if I had to) to save for IUI or IVF. Also, I wouldn't necessarily rule out IUI. IUI's still have a chance of being successful with low sperm count. Not to mention it's tons cheaper than IVF.

It all depends how much you can handle..maybe you should just take a break for awhile. Then start back up with trying naturally while you start putting your living arrangements back in order. After that's taken care of, start saving for IUI/IVF.

 

[Princess Lou]

Wow, it takes a strong person to go through everything you have been/still going through. We have been trying for three years and I'm considering giving up, how you got to five years is a miracle.

Have you considered adoption? I know it's not the same as having your own but there are plenty of children who need a loving mum and you sound like you would an amazing parent. Not sure how those things work in America but in the UK it doesn't cost a fortune, just admin fees I believe.

Good luck with whatever path you choose to follow. X

 

[Amber3]

Wow, I really feel much the same as what you describe. But look, don't take one doctor's word for objective truth. Some doctors only know IVF. Are you aware of NaProTEchnology? THeir succes rate is higher than IVF and their treatment is much safer and cheaper. If you want to look into it there is a link here with a little (amazing) film on it:
www.fertilitycare.eu/
NaProTEchnology helps many people. Unfortunately, until now I am not really one of them. I am 29 and have been ttc for more than 4 years with warious problems. I also want to say that you still are young; with 25 I was newly married and we had no money what so ever. But now, 4 years later we have a good saving, and none of us ever even had a full time job. Working and having no children to provide for will eventually do that to you. As about God. There is a book I woulæd love to recommend you. It is short and an easy read. It is called: From Prison to Praise by Merlin Carothers. It is actually a series of books. Many desperate people have read these books and had their whole life changed in awesome ways.
I wish you all the best
Amber

 

[Damita]

 

[LizMcD]

Sorry to hear all u have been through. I really hope things improve for u.

I have just been reading an incredible book called the secret, I really recommend it. This is just a bit of friendly advice ( I dont want to sound like I'm lecturing!) as u seem to have lost faith and this book gave me loads of belief and positivity in achieving what I Want and attracting good things.

Best of luck xx

 

[cbmd]

hi...i just wanted to say dont give up....i felt the same as you over a year ago....i have terrible pcos - havent had any periods for two years and was on bc before that and have been told that would have masked the whole problem, so ive prob had it ten years and not know. my oh has terrible sperm count, only 5 % swim when we got told average is 40% so his is very poor. we ttc for years.....i got totally obsessed with it...in the end we just stopped getting obsessed, we admitted it wasnt going to happen and planned what other things we would do instead. we went on holiday had a lovely time, OH bought himself a new bike...i went and put a deposit on a new horse! and then a miracle happend on its own and somehow we conceived...we dont know how or when really....but it happend....we were told we would have to have ivf abd wouldnt conceive natually. i know its easy for me to say dont give up when im not longer in that frame of mind but miracles do happen. xx

 

[Justwantababy]

Hello hun. to you.

I'd never heard of your condition either, but randomly I saw another post today by a lady on here called Leylak.....she has the same, and complications with oh's sperm. She's still trying for #1, but has been pregnant before.

If you're finding it all too much at the minute it might be a good idea to take a break. But when you're ready again it might be worth looking her up....it's always nice to speak to someone who knows your struggles.

Good luck

 

[monalisa81]

 

[LaPinska]

thank you all. the hashimoto's is the only condition we currently know about that plagues my fertility. i have serious signs of endometriosis as well that i have not had looked into because of our financial situation. just in the last year alone i have been diagnosed with hashi's, fibromyalgia, osteomalacia, and hidradenitis suppurativa and various forms of eczema, and still have many symptoms my endo wants to address but i am unable to find the money for gas and an office visit. something with my body not absorbing vitamin d and my food does not digest like it should. at this point i am just sick of being me Lol.

my husbands sperm count is only 14million, and motility is only 3%. i can not get him to take any vitamins for it. i have thought about adoption but it just wouldn't be the same. i never wanted children until i met my current husband.

perhaps one day we will have the money to afford treatments after a couple yrs of not having children, i just don't know. we manage to fall behind every year.. last yr we had to use our tax return to pay our rent. it's hard for us to get ahead for some reason and we live as cheap as we can get. right now we are half a month behind on everything. i used to work two jobs. my body forced me to quit one.. i have three overlapping conditions that cause me to have severe pain when i push myself too hard, and without being on meds there's really nothing i can do. i have tried to push myself recently by working a 12 hour shift and the next day i could barely move my legs and fingers. if once i ever get back to my doctor i have no choice but to ask about pain management. right now my worst fear is being diagnosed with crohn's disease. i am about one more serious condition away from having to apply for disability- i never made plans for any of this that's for sure.

 

[Armywife84]

You could crush up the vitamins and dump them in his water.

 

[BBgirl]

hey LaPinska. I can tell you're really depressed. I've been there, different circumstances of course. But I've TTC now for 4 years, miscarried x 2 at 11 and 8 weeks, followed by unable to conceive for a year (due I think to my depression and OH's stress). We broke up over it. But I'm 42 and you're 30. Now there is one aspect of fertility more important than just about everything else, and that's age of the woman. At your age IVF success rates are fantastic. I don't know if you'd consider it, let's face it nobody would choose it without some regret but my sister had a boy with IVF, he's an A* pupil in every subject, lovely genuine person with fantastic health. That changed my mind about it altogether. Why not ask the doctor about the success rate of IUI versus IVF in your situation? IUI is not very costly or invasive. Don't give up now in a sea of despair and waste precious years because in ten year's time it's a hell of a lot harder to conceive, IVF or no IVF. If you really want something in life, don't let negative thinking rob you of your chance. I think I've run out of time so this thread applies to me. But you've got plenty of time on your hands. Sorry if you think I'm being blunt, but I really do know the anguish you're describing. I never recovered from my miscarriages to be honest.

 

[wannabeprego]

@Lapinska, I am so sorry for everything that you are going through with your struggle to TTC.

This October marks the 2 year anniversary since my DH had his vasectomey reversal and I am not pregnant yet so I have started to believe that a pregnancy for us isnt going to be able to occur on it's own. It has been very painful for me, month after month of heart break and feeling so depressed and hopeless about everything. I am 32 years old, so I feel like my biological clock is ticking big time right now. So I can completly understand your pain and what you are going through.

So, I just went to an infertility consultation recently and the DR prefered at least 10 million sperm count for us to be able to do IUI. I read that you said his count is higher than 10 million, although his motility is low, You should go to another fertility DR to get a second opnion to see if you can move forward with the IUI with another DR to be sure it isnt an option for you.


The cost to wash the sperm and inseminate with IUI is $350.00 U.S. at the fertility center I am going to. Of course this cost doesnt include the drugs and other testing you have to do for the IUI.

I am having my DH go for a second SA and hoping his numbers are high enough for us to get the green light to go for IUI, His first SA had less than 5 million, so my fears are that his numbers wont improve enough and we will be left with either IVF using my DH's sperm or using donor sperm to still move forward with the IUI. I dont know if you have ever considered donor sperm as an alternative or not. Right now I have no idea how we will be able to save up enough money to pay for IVF either. I do have my DH taking vitamins to try to help improve his sperm count. I have read many stories on B&B about women that have seen improvements in their OH's sperm count and motility.

I also have to do testing before I can do the IUI, FSH blood test, vaginal ultrasound, and the HSG dye test to make sure nothing is wrong with me, so I am of course nervous something is going to be wrong with me....

Something else new that I read about is called "Egg Sharing" where you share your eggs with another person doing IVF to signficantly cut back on the costs of your IVF. A girl on here said to ask your fertility clinic if they offer this option. I saw information about this in the UK, but couldnt find much information about it in the US thoug, But I am going to reaserach and talk to my fertility office if they tell me my only option is IVF.

As far as your OH not wanting to take vitamins, I think you should sit him down and let him know how important having a baby is to you, let him know the pain you are in and show him information that documents that taking the vitamins can help improve his numbers. Be brutally honest with him about it. I know it took me a while to get my DH on board more with my TTC efforts but after he saw me crying how upset it was all making me he finally is being more supportive now by making sure he plays his part.


Good luck and baby dust to you hun, I hope you can finally get your BFP...

 

[LaPinska]

thank you for sharing your personal struggles with me, i can relate for sure. i have another friend who is in your shoes with the step grandmother part- i'm very sorry it must be so hard hey let me know how your testing goes if you remember too!!

i also wanted to update- i have another lead on some of my fertility issues. I spent all day in the hospital ER on Saturday. I had just started my period on Friday and had been commenting to my DH about how i didn't get any cramps, bloating or PMS, just sore bbs which was unusual. Well saturday morning i was woken up out of my sleep by really bad pelvic pain. But i also felt like i had to go potty, full bladder feeling and having to go #2 on top of intense period cramps. I changed my tampon at this time and there was barely anything on it. I figured going potty would relieve some of the pain but to my surprise it didn't. I quickly took 800mg of ibuprofen all the while thinking to myself that i'd never ever had period cramps that bad before. Then i went and crawled back in the bed. That was about 10:40am. I never did fall back asleep. The cramps got more intense every minute and i could feel them in my back too. It was waves of pain and i swear it felt like contractions, starting below my belly button and traveling down into my cervix. It just got so intense i was in a daze. My husband had rolled over as soon as the pain got unbearable and i started making noises and stuff lol. He tried to comfort me but i didn't want to be touched. About 15 minutes went by and in that time my pain went from a 9 to a 30. I was almost screaming in pain, begging my DH to take me to the emergency room. I also dug my nails into my legs just below the hip which i saw when i got home that night- thats how bad the pain was. I could literally feel my pelvic area swelling and it felt like it was filling with fluid. At some point i started hyperventillating and my whole body went tingly, THEN i started shaking and my teeth started to chatter and i broke out into cold sweats. That's when DH finally agreed to take me. I think he was hoping it would pass.. after what we've been through this yr the last thing we need is a massive hospital bill so i guess i can't blame him. so at 11:30 i plucked up the courage and made it from the bed to the car, all the while in a complete pain induced trance and shaking. I've been in shock before and that's exactly how i felt. On the ride to the ER i think my ibuprofen finally kicked in and the waves of pain started to slow down. I also stopped shaking and chattering suddenly thank god. I still forced him to take me because even though the big pains stopped, i still could barely move and everything from my belly button down felt huge and swollen.

I checked in at exactly 11:50 and was in a bed by noon. I got shots of morphine, benadryl and some strong antibiotic in my hips. (left huge welts on both hips too) they gave me 2 other antibiotics and some vicodin. I had two different pelvic exams and saw the actual doctor for a total of 5mins. When he did the internal exam, he couldn't push the speculum all the way in because i was that swollen. He also couldn't really touch me. He immediately said my uterus was swollen and that i had an infection inside it.

We talked for a few minutes about my history of IF. I apparently have had symptoms of this infection since 2006 and it had been overlooked for almost 6 years by many other general practitioners, gynae and specialists. He said it may very well be the main factor of my infertility but he couldn't tell me what caused it. Apparently uterine infections cause lots of scar tissue and the infection could have spread to my ovaries and they could be blocked because of it. He said they couldn't do anything else from the ER and told me to follow up with my gyno in a week to see if the infection is gone and go from there. He said my gyno may have to refer me to a specialist to find out what is causing the infection.

I do believe the diagnostic they would have to do is a LAP. They could try an HSG but really they will need to open me up. If i have scar tissue they need to see how bad the damage is. I have no idea if my gyno can order this or if i will have no choice but to see an RE. at this point it could be anything from cancer to a staph infection, none of which do i wanna wait around very long to find out! So it's yet another matter of my health.

My husband told me today that we should take out a life insurance policy on me JUST incase. he was joking but i think it may be a good idea lol!

so that was on saturday and it's monday and i think the swelling has gone down a bit. i haven't taken any pain meds not even ibuprofen today and i'm doing good. i only know the swelling has gone down because i was having problems going #2 and passing gas and now i'm ok. i think my uterus was so big it was squishing my intestines or something.

sorry to write a novel. i was anxious to share that. i guess all in all it's bad news but it's still a clue to why i'm not pregnant so to me it's a step in the right direction!

 

[Nissie]

Hi Hun,

I can relate to your situation, I'm 29 years old have been ttc since I lost my baby at 20. I had a fiancée which we ttc for years until he passed away 3 years ago. Now I recently got married last week 9-10-2011 to a wonderful man which is very supportive but I'm so afraid our efforts will be in vain. I wish you the best of luck and you will definitely be in my prayers!