After some advice please!

[Mummy1995]

Not been on here for a loooong time. Used to be very active here! After some advice please re absent father. Please bare with me it'll be long! X


My ex hasn't seen my daughter since she was 18months old. And has seen her a total of 9 times. She's nearly 5. The last time he had access I told him it was his last chance (he'd seen her 9 times over the course of the 18months so would come and then go for a few months was never consistent). So I told him either be consistent or don't bother because I didn't want my daughter to deal with the upset I've seen other kids go through who are messed around by their dads. Well he never came back. However since his mum has had terminal cancer he's started paying me child support directly at a higher level to what he should be (according to CMS). He said he wants to 'put some things right'. So has now paid me since April every 4 weeks and wants me to cancel our CMS claim, however I'm reluctant as he has a lot of arrears still. Anyway his mum has since died having never met my daughter (none of his family have). So I was thinking of possibly approaching him and asking if he'd want access again, hoping that this loss may have changed him/his outlook on life or whatever. However I wouldn't know how to even go about access? I don't know who he is anymore, my daughter doesn't know he exists (I've left it to when she asks I'll answer - she has asked his name about 6months ago and I told her, she then asked is he dead? I said no he's absolutely fine. And that was the end of the conversation). I can't stand him but I'd be happy enough to be around him so wouldn't need to be contact centre or anything. But wouldn't know how to go about introducing her to the fact that he's her dad etc. Would doing something like Skype etc be appropriate for a bit then moving to supervised contact etc? I've no idea. We've not been to court ever and would want it to stay out of court wherever possible.
But I'd be so worried he'd do as he has many times and come in and then leave, and she's now at an age where she could remember and get upset by it.
Also I'm not sure he'll even want to, part of me thinks the CMS issue with him wanting to cancel is nothing to do with his mum and is more to do with him moving in with his girlfriend who may not know my daughter exists so doesn't want to get letters from them anymore.

Sorry I know that's long!

 

[daneuse27]

Hey Mummy1995, I think I might remember you. Your screen name seems familiar, and our daughters are about the same age.

Anyway, I'm glad that your ex has been paying you some money and I truly hope that he is becoming a better person.

About access, I would not be the one to approach him with the idea. I would let him be the one to bring it up. If he's interested enough in his daughter and determined enough to work hard for this relationship, then he should have no problem asking you for it. If he can't do something as simple as ask, then I don't feel he'd be prepared to work hard through the next steps of establishing something with her. It would take time, because I dont think it would be right to bring him in and call him 'Daddy' all of a sudden. Maybe after several months of consistently proving that he can be trusted, perhaps then you could reveal to your daughter that he's her father. But springing a stranger on her - especially one that hasn't been trustworthy in the past- is too risky, and the last thing you want is for her to ever experience rejection from someone she's come to know as her Dad.

Also another thing to watch.. while its great that he is now contributing financially, in no way does that entitle him to suddenly being allowed to have control or make decisions for you or your daughter. So if you were to ever give him conditions (such as " You can only see her under supervision", "you mustn't call yourself dad straight away", etc) and he acts as though he has any say at all just because he started paying months, ago, then that is a red flag and you should run.

You've been raising her on your own for these 5 years, so you and you alone get to decide whats best!

Hope that helps, and wishing you well! x

 

[ClairAye]

Hello! :wave:

Honestly, I also wouldn't approach him. My ex hasn't seen the kids now in almost 3 years and some days I do wonder about approaching him but common sense always gives me a slap and tells me that if he wanted so badly to be involved, he would've approached me and he hasn't. I really believe it is on him, not you. Sorry I don't really have much more to say on it but I hope this is a step in the right direction with him!

 

[Tropiclands]

No harsh decisions seems wise here. Don't cancel cms or give into any other pressures without accountability and support.