Ahh, just need to vent sorry!

[JessdueJan]

I am so sick of ex husband and his pathetic way of going on.
We have been apart 8months now following me discovering his affair and then him attacking me to the point I ended up in hospital.
During this 8months he has continued to flit between hurling abuse at me and wanting me back depending on how him and his girlfriend are getting on at the time he also has started to ring me threatening me and being aggressive then as soon as we put the phone down he will send a nice text along the lines of "was nice to be able to chat about the kids, glad you're happy" then if I text back saying what are you talking about you've just been threatening me he says "I think you need to get some serious help, you know that didn't happen" now for the most part I can let it slide but what really bugs me is how flaky he is when it comes to the kids. He will make plans then just not turn up and not get in touch for days yet then expect me to jump and agree to whatever he says about seeing them next time. If I say no or tell him kids are busy that day he starts calling me crazy and saying I'm stopping him seeing the kids cos im jealous of him and his girlfriend
This weekend for example the arrangement was he was having them Thursday overnight. He rang Thursday morning to say his Mam wouldn't let him have them (he lives with her) and could he have them Friday instead. I agreed and then Friday came and went with no word. It's now Sunday and he hasn't been in touch. I assume the sunshine led him to a beer garden and he forgot his responsibilities as usual. He will now no doubt ring tomorrow and insist he has them overnight during the week. Am I within my rights to say no and insist he takes it through courts and gets a proper agreement in place?

Sorry that got long x

 

[tallybee]

Hi :wave: that sounds like a nightmare, I'm sorry you've got that to deal with. It might be that going a legal route might help. Where about are you based? Citizens advice bureau might be able to offer advice. Mediation is offered/expected before court now I hear. If the other person is not engaging then it can be like banging your head off a wall but at least you tried. Another option is going through solicitors and setting out a contact agreement, set days/times etc. I found with that scenario meeting in a public place was better as I didn't feel as threatened. WIth my current situation it's contact centre.
I would recommend googling Grey Rock communication as it sounds like your ex is manipulating things and everything is better in written format. Phone calls can get heated and there's no record. Grey rock basically is where you keep it short, to the point and emotionless so you can't be misconstrued or twisted and they get bored of trying to goad you into a reaction.

Good luck xx

 

[DJJ]

In my case with my ex after a threatening phone call I downloaded an app that automatically records all my phone calls.it gives me peace of mind and reminds me to make sure I keep my side very short and calm.maybe it would help in ur situation too.

 

[Lalaloopsie]

Been thru similar.
I went for mediation first... they refused us on the grounds he had been violent/aggressive
I then self referred to a contact centre (he had to pay their fee) and he had supervised regular visits which was amazing for my girl as it gave her routine
My theory was I wanted as much proof that I had done my best to provide him with contact that when (and it will happen) it does go thru courts they will laugh at him.
We've been out of the contact centre for a year and he is supposed to have her 1 night foetnightly
He's cancelled without word numerous times so I'm just building myself up now to cut contact fully.
Good luck x

 

[Wobbles]

I would put my foot down and contact a solicitor. x days every x week or fortnightly (whatever works), make plans on times and how you will get the children to and from each parent and request no contact unless in an emergency/it's necessary.

Idiot @ the phone calls and following texts.

 

[baileybubs]

Hey there

I'm sorry you are going through this and I agree with others. I didn't speak to mybex over the phone and just communicated via fb messenger or text so it was recorded down. I put my foot down and insisted on consistency for the children, asked him to pick a day and time for having the children and said if he wanted to change it I would need advanced notice as I would need organise child care or rearrange work. If you are the main carer you shouldn't have to rearrange your life and the children's lives around his, if you let him choose the day and time you are being flexible but ultimately he needs to be able to provide stability for his kids by sticking to it.
Sadly my ex kept cancelling and eventually just never saw the kids despite me asking and always telling him days when we were free, he took it as his chance to give up his responsibility.

If he's being aggressive over the phone just don't answer his calls and insist he communicates in a written form. If he refuses that's up to him.

I hope you manage to resolve something but definitely put your foot down and don't allow him to keep picking and choosing when he is and isn't a parent.

 

[daneuse27]

He sounds like too much! Not only the way he treats you, but the lengths he goes to do cover it up so that you can't do anything about it So sorry you have to go through that. I wouldn't want my kids anywhere near him. He's unreliable, vindictive, abusive and deceitful. The fact that he tries so hard to cover up the way he treats you makes me wonder what he'd try to cover up about the way he is with the kids when you're not around.