Almost 13...and birth control??

[PeaceLoveBaby]

Hi girls (and guys, if there are any here ),

I have a 12 year old..she will be 13 in June. She started her periods at age 11 and has been EXTREMELY hormonal and is very mature for her age. She's been writing and thinking about sex..as I've seen in her journal. (I know...bad..but it's the only way I know what's truly going on). I'm terrified of her getting pregnant.

I hate even saying that at her age. But I'm considering putting her on birth control. I dont know if making her do it is considered unethical or what. I have asked her if she wants to, and she says she does. Ugh. Shes too young! Are there minimum ages for BC? Am I doing the right thing? *stressed*

 

[Angelbabymama]

Firstly, STOP READING HER DIARY! If you want to know what's going on in her life and her head you need to sit down and talk to her about it. Yes you will have to earn her trust for her to be completely honest with you but you're taking steps in the wrong direction by invading her privacy.
My mom read my diary when I was 13, yes there were things about sex in there and she flew off the handle. I was furious with her and it took a long tome for her to earn back the trust and respect for me to talk to her about my personal life. If she had asked me outright over a coffee or some other bonding activity the chances are I would have told her alot of what was in there anyway.
Don't expect her to tell you everything, there are things in your thoughts that you wouldn't tell her aren't there? But my point is if she trusts you she will be open and honest with you.

As for the birth control, yes 13 is young but as she's expressing thoughts and feelings on sex and feels ready to take it I think it would be wise to let her. I think as she's sensible enough to thinkit's a good idea as a precaution she wouldn't feel pressured into engaging in sexual activity 'just because she was taking bc.'

I hope you manage to come to a decision together xx

 

[Erised]

<edit>

If she thinks she's ready for it, it can't hurt to start her on birth control. Do make sure to sit her down and explain that condoms will still need to be used as well though

 

[hypnorm]

Make sure you explain to her the potential side effects of taking birth control too, its not always plain sailing.

 

[PeaceLoveBaby]

Thanks for the input. Just for the record, I have sat her down and talked. For hours. She just worried that I will worry about her so she keeps it to herself

 

[Dimples81]

i would keep talking to her, re-emphasising again and again in a casual, non confrontational way that you worry more from her not talking to you and from her keeping things to herself than u ever would from her telling you stuff. I would probably also buy her a book with all the apropriate information in it and some leaflets so that if she is absolutely determined to not tell you stuff she has at least got access to more information if she wants it. I would then put it somewhere where she is likely to see it and can freely access it if she want to find out more. Kids are smart, and when it comes to sex stuff they are driven by curiosity. My mum had a copy of "the lover's guide" on her bookshelf in the bedroom which i snuck off to read on a regular basis when i was your daughters age and my DH said he did the same. Kids will seek the information so make sure there is something apropriate available. You could also put some condoms in your bathroom cabinet so that she knows she can access some if it becomes an issue. She will probably do this quite sneakily if she is concerned about worrying you but at least the option is there to be equipped with knowledge .

 

[lesleyann]

100% stop reading her diary.. There is no age frame on birth control I was sexually active by your DD's age. Just talk with her but don't make it like a lecture or she will just shut off. If shes going to have sex she is going to regardless of what you do or say so just be supportive to her in the fact of making sure she don't get pregnant and that she knows she can come to you if there is ever a time she may need the MAP or to go to clinic to be tested.. Once she knows you just want her to be safe with it rather than go nuts about it etc she will be more likely to open to you about it.

I agree with leaflets/books and a little supply of condoms. I joke that when my son hits puberty Im going to buy him condoms birthday/Christmas etc and naked lady calenders but I do mean it tbh Id rather be a bit err outrageous but he will know im open with sex/nakedness etc so fingers crossed wont hide it but I also wont take it to far like on meet the foockers lol

 

[PeaceLoveBaby]

Thanks again ladies. I had a long talk with her. She has decided and asked to be put on birth control. I guess this is it

 

[andella95]

What I'm going to say might be controversial & you've already made up your mind, but here goes....

Just because she's thinking and curious about sex doesn't mean that she is going to go out and do it. A lot of girls are like that at that age, but it doesn't mean they need to go on birth control. Heck, I was like that, and I didn't lose my virginity until well into my twenties! I was reading my older sisters dirty romance novels and watching porn that belonged to the parents of kids I babysat. But I wasn't emotionally ready for sex - no way. But if my mom had said, okay, well, here's some birth control and put me on pills...I would have seen that as permission and I would have been more likely just to "do it" because heck, apparently my parent's approved. Being on birth control might also be seen as a type of status thing - makes her feel like she's older and more mature than she really is.

Also, although BC is effective against pregnancy, it doesn't protect against disease. If you really think she's going to have sex, definitely invest in condoms, but I don't know if hormonal methods are really the way to go. You need to teach her that if a guy won't wear a condom, sex would be a VERY bad idea. Putting her on birth control just because she's a normal, hormonally crazed kid who has just hit puberty a year or two earlier might help protect against a pregnancy, but it won't protect her from any of the diseases she could pick up.

So, while it's good to be proactive and talk about things and keep the lines of communication open, it almost sounds like you're letting HER decide that she's ready to have sex. She is a CHILD. But you know her better than any one else, and whatever works best for your family might not be best for others.

I hope I haven't offended anybody, but I do get frustrated at the idea that once kids start thinking & talking about sex that nothing will stop them & they're all doing it, because that's not true. I know far too many people who waited until they were older because they were just raised to believe that it's not something that should be taken lightly.

Anyway, it sounds like you're a really good mom to be taking such good care of her and looking out for her.

 

[PeaceLoveBaby]

I do appreciate your input. Thank you

I definitely know it's normal to be curious and to be seeking information. However, with my daughter, she has admitted to friends and to me that she's already done things..I have heard through friends that she went into the bathroom with a boy and "almost" lost her virginity. So she's active..more than I'd like at this age. I have had many talks with her in the past few days. I've thoroughly educated her (I'm a nurse) on STD's and all that and how to prevent them and protect herself. I've got condoms at her disposal, IF she feels she needs them. I have STRESSED that birth control does NOT give her free reign in doing whatever she wants with whoever she wants. I told her I don't *expect* her to have sex, I am simply preparing her for the years to come. It's just a safety net. I will see how the hormonal therapy does for her..if it's harmful in any way, Side effects or mood swings, we will discuss other options.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply!

I feel this is the best decision for her...I let her decide ultimately and she states she is ready. She also said she's glad I brought it up because she's actually been trying to for some time. Ugh....it kills me. But I feel it's best.

 

[elisamarie]

As a previous poster said, BC will prevent pregnancy (if used correctly!! and anyway not always a reliable method of contraception) but it won't keep her safe when it comes to STD's. Honestly I think pregnancy is the last thing I'd worry about when there's HPV, HIV, herpes and so on. Keeping an open dialogue with her and talking to her would be the best way to go. I'm sure she'll understand and if you still want to put her on BC that's fine, but she should know of all the other horrible risks that come with sex. Also although she is thinking about it she is still very very young to be actually having sex, maybe that's something else you should think about and have a heart to heart talk.

This is just my opinion though! And I hope I don't offend anyone!

 

[Beccaxo]

I went on the pill at the age of 13, I started my periods at 11 and they where painful and they recommended I went on the pill for that reason. I wasn't sexual active at 13 but because I was on the pill it did make me curious and I started having sex at 14, but don't read her diary my mum did that once & I didn't talk to her for months felt so violated and betrayed just talk to her always works! If she is OK with going on it I personally don't see the problem

 

[PeaceLoveBaby]

Elisamarie, I totally get what you're saying. And as I said in a previous post, I have educated her on STD's..I showed her pictures and explained symptoms last night. She was very receptive and very scared (lol) But I think I got my point across. She will have access to condoms if she thinks she is ready to have sex. I have told her birth control doesn't protect against these diseases and she fully understands that. I also definitely know BC isn't 100% effective, as I was on the pill and got pregnant with twins!

Thanks for the input, ladies. It's much appreciated xx

 

[andella95]

I think you're doing a really good job of being mom to an (almost) 13 year old!

 

[FiNZ]

Oh poor you! It can't have been an easy decision for you to make.

I hate how kids are doing things at such a young age these days. Or maybe they always have and I was just not aware of it. I'm terrified of my 13 yr old having sex before she's at least legal. She assures me she's not going to, but that decision could change very quickly I'm sure.

I hope your daughter is safe. That's probably the main concern at the moment.

p.s: I know people have criticised you for reading her journal, but maybe if you hadn't, you would never have been able to talk to her about it, and she may have ended up pregnant or with a disease at the age of 13. xxx

 

[PeaceLoveBaby]

Thank you! Yes, I wouldn't have known anything at all about it. She fools us all very well. I'm terrified to think what could happen to her without her being educated on all the disgusting stuff out there, as well as unplanned pregnancy.

This has been one of the hardest hurdles in my life so far! She's my firstborn..my baby girl

 

[hopeandpray]

I would really talk through the non-physica/health side of sex. I know that not many 13 year olds are mentally ready for sex and that the majority of people that have sex under the age of 16 regret it. She might be physically mature and ready but sex can really cause a lot of drama when you're a teenager. It's a double-edged sword, you may be teased not for having any but it's easy for rumours and name calling to start and someone to get a bad reputation. It can be hard for someone that young to seperate sex and love, not everyone has the mentality that they can just be fine with someone walking away afterwards.
I would really check what expectations she has about it. Does she think she'll enjoy it, will she stop if she doesn't, will she feel like she then has to sleep with every boy she gets involved with, how will she feel if she gets to 16 and finds a boyfriend she loves and he's had no partners and she's already had loads? What does sex mean to her, does she think it would be better with an emotional connection?
There are just so many things to consider that I had not thought through at that age.
And this may be going too personal and far but I know that a lot of girls aren't really aware of female masturbation, it can be a good way to deal with the physical temptations for a while.
Make sure that she knows that not everyone is having sex. It feels like they are but even at my age (21) I still encounter people who are virgins and have no problem with it.
Sorry I realise that this is a lot of information but I feel like the psychological aspects of sex are often forgotten in the panic about pregnancy and disease.
Good luck! It sounds like you're handling this really well. My mum must have been glad I was such a social recluse at that age

 

[PeaceLoveBaby]

lol Thank you. You're right, I do tend to overlook the psychological aspect of it in my panic of the physical repercussions. I do know that she seems to think that if you're in love..thats what you do. You have sex. I need to have another (few) long, long talks with her about all of that stuff. Thank you for pointing it out!

It's crazy..she hasn't had sex before, she assures me..but there are already girls at her school calling her the SL.. word and also rumors that she was pregnant. Poor girl. Ugh, people are so mean these days.

 

[iBabyGirli]

Yeah you should sit down and talk to her....You shouldn't be snooping in the girls diary its not good just talk to her and explain to her what sex really is

 

[seoj]

It does seem you've had many talks... but during these talks have you questioned why she feels it OK to "do things" with boys at such a young age? Is there a self esteem issue going on?

From what you've said, there just seems to be more going on that just hormones etc.. Honestly, if it were my teenager- I would look into counseling. My SD (who's 14 going on 15 in June)- does *think* about sex and we have many open discussion about it... but she knows she is no where near ready for something like that. Especially since she hasn't had a long term boyfriend- just "dated" boys here and there... but never for very long. I think maybe a month max? She is already in counseling though- due to issues caused mostly by things her bio Mom put her through at a very young age-- and was pretty much raised by just her Dad for many years. So obviously there are some issues she's had to work through... and honestly, counseling has truly been wonderful. Even now, as a teenager and starting High School this year- and with how nasty and mean some girls can be (she has also been called nasty names by some very cruel girls- even though she's only just kissed one boy)-- so I know how heart breaking that can be.

I recommend counseling cause it's done such amazing things for my SD- and for myself a time or two. It certainly cannot hurt to get a better understanding of where the need for attention from boys steams from? And/or why she feels it's oK to get physical with them in a bathroom? It's certainly great you are talking to her and being honest- I do feel that is best as a parent, even when it's really hard for us to do.

Wish I had some great advise... I just hope she doesn't feel the need to get physical too soon with any boy. That she realizes she deserves a healthy and happy relationship with someone worthy of her and her attention.

Best of luck hun!!!!