Almost 13...and birth control??

[PeaceLoveBaby]

To BabyGirl: We HAVE talked. We have always talked, since she was very very young. She knows I am open to anything and she can ask me anything. But there are still things she is keeping from me, that I should be aware of. If i hadn't read it in her journal, I wouldn't know she was even considering having sex. I don't feel bad for reading it. It's not really her "diary" anyway..she carries it everywhere and her friends all write in it. But still...I feel its justified. I don't regret it and I probably won't stop until I know she is being safe. I will continue to talk to her though..of course. And always keep an open mind.

 

[PeaceLoveBaby]

Thank you Seoj. Yeah, there are definitely issues going on as well. She is in counseling and has been for some time. She was molested in the past at a very young age (I realize what this means and why this is having an effect now) I have done extensive counseling and research. I myself am a sexual abuse and rape survivor, so I def understand. I have tried to convey to her that even tho we have been through these awful things, this is not how you get attention and affection. I hope your SD stays in that state of mind!

I def know it's completely normal to fall in love and have sex with someone after a certain age. I think 12 is way too young though.

 

[seoj]

BTW- personally, I feel as a parent, sometimes we have to do what we have to do to get the information we need... my SD is very open with us (even her Dad)- so we really never need to pry. Sometimes she can be a bit TOO open- LOL- but I'd prefer that to the alternative. But yea, my Mom found a note I wrote a boy when I was 14- and as embarassing as it was- she was honest with me and we talked about it as she didn't like the things I'd written (mostly cause I said he was too good for me)- but after we talked, she realized I only said that cause I felt bad for breaking up with him and I was trying to let him down easy... LOL... but it concerned her I would "feel that way". So it was actually good she came to me.

 

[seoj]

Thank you Seoj. Yeah, there are definitely issues going on as well. She is in counseling and has been for some time. She was molested in the past at a very young age (I realize what this means and why this is having an effect now) I have done extensive counseling and research. I myself am a sexual abuse and rape survivor, so I def understand. I have tried to convey to her that even tho we have been through these awful things, this is not how you get attention and affection. I hope your SD stays in that state of mind!

I def know it's completely normal to fall in love and have sex with someone after a certain age. I think 12 is way too young though.

That is great she is in counseling. I'm so sorry she ever had to go through anything like that... hearing that saddens me. That does bring some light as to why she is feeling this way now... I'm sure that has to be pretty common?

It's great you are open with her and talking her through this and doing what you feel you can to protect her... it's unfortunate we can't just put them in a bubble sometimes!!!!

Sorry too that you ever had to go through what you went through as well... I cannot imagine, but give major kudos for coming through it strong!!!!

And yes, I do agree 12 is way too young... for me, it will always feel too young as my SD is my kid! BUT- I just hope that she waits till she is truly ready and able to handle it (for your daughter as well). I heard about too many of my friends in high school doing it "just to get it over with" or because the guy told them what they wanted to hear... so I saw, first hand, how that affected them later on. I would never want that for anyone if it can be helped.

Best of luck to you and all your beautiful daughters

 

[Erised]

While I understand not every teenager is the same, I honestly don't think counselling would be required just because a 13 year old feels ready for sex. She hasn't jumped into bed with strangers, and by the sound of it she's got a mature head on her and is well aware of what can and can not be done safely etc.

I edited my post originally as I didn't feel it needed to be said and remain said as the issue was solved, but I became sexually active at 13 / 14. I was very well aware of what I was doing. I'm the shy-est person you will ever meet, and even now at the age of 25 I have never been to a party, don't have any friends apart from 2 of my DH's friends who I get along with well, have only gotten drunk once in my life, don't smoke, don't do drugs etc ... I'm a bloody stable person, and have been since I was a young teenager.

I've been in 2 relationships, one from 13 to 15 and one from 15 until forever. It wasn't a fling, short lived run off with whoever I can to have sex type of thing. Heck, he lived in a different country than me and had to travel for 3 hours to come and see me (same for my DH now actually, he too lived in a different country - as I said, shy person who doesn't do friends or things to meet people).

Yes, I do regret having sex with him now. Not because I was a teenager, but just because I realize how bad a relationship I had and what a bloody idiot he was ... wish I had met my DH instead.

Just because I was 13 / 14 however, does not mean sex was something to be taken lightly or something I wasn't ready for. Everyone is different, and I'm not quite sure why everyone is assuming this girl isn't ready even to the point of saying she must need psychiatric help. Obviously as a mum you know your little girl best, so if you feel she's ready enough and can be trusted with condoms / birth control then I'm sure she can make her own well informed decisions.

 

[SerenityNow]

I have no advice on birth control or the like. I can't imagine how heart wrenching this is for you, I'm sure that you'll do right because you care and are acting with love. My own 12 y/o daughter isn't there yet at all, so it is hard for me to imagine facing this.

I just wanted to support you in having read her diary. The fact is that some things are a lot more important than privacy. We have a duty to protect our children's health and safety and if reading her diary is the only way to get the information that you need to keep her safe, then you did the right thing. She's just a child and not ready to have a "private life" as she's not old enough to deal with all the consequences!

 

[PeaceLoveBaby]

THANK YOU! That's exactly how I feel. I am trying to protect her, and thats how I'm doing it. I wouldve been completely oblivious and letting her go out with friends had I not known that she sneaks off with boys when shes out. I cringe to think what could happen one of those times. She IS very mature for her age..shes been through a lot. But I don't think she's ready to decide if she's ready for such a huge step..

 

[amotherslove]

i think you're doing a wonderful job. birth control is a smart choice if she's becoming sexually active. i know how young 12/13 feels to us (and i'm only 21 right now) but i remember the things i was doing at that age. i didn't lose my virginity till 16 but this is mostly because when i became sexually active i was in a lesbian relationship for a year. after that i was just "waiting for the right guy". she sounds like she's being mature about it in asking you for the proper things to protect herself.

though i never had sex at 13-15 i did consider it many times with two different boyfriends i had (one when i was 14 and the other 15/16) and i did eventually do it at sixteen. in hindsight.. i have no regrets for how my sexual life was back then.. but having been pregnant now and having lost my first, i wish somebody had warned me of the REAL dangers. i was well versed in pregnancy safety, and STI safety.. i could list symptoms and which ones were cureable/treatable and which were not.. however i also desired a baby, and i know i wasn't the only one.. i was smart and protected myself because i knew i wasn't ready, but sometimes with long term boyfriends.. i was more careless.. just tempting fate.. and i look back on what i've felt and gone through mourning my baby these past few months and i shudder at the idea of my 13-19 year old self having to go though that.

i don't know how others feel about this, but personally, when i speak to my future teen about sex and safety.. i will be mentioning (in a non scare tactic way, thats not what this is about) miscarriage and loss.. pregnancy is a scary and very real outcome for many young girls and women.. but in the end, many mature and do very very well with their babies.. it's not the end of the world.. but the fact i want my child to know is that pregnancy may not mean rough nights with a baby that have beautiful bonding moments in between.. it can mean devastation.. at 16 i felt ready for a baby. financially i was not so i didn't do it, but had i become pregnant by accident i am confident i wouldve done an incredible job, i was (as told by many adults around me) a very smart and mature teen. i couldve survived sleepless nights and losing my social life.. i could not have coped with the loss and pain i have felt everyday since lily left us.. i think that teens should be gently educated about the fact that 1 in 4 pregnancies will not be blissful moments.. they will be heartbreak..

again, i don't know how people feel about this.. it is a heavy topic, but one that i feel is incredibly important to talk about, i know a young 17 year old girl who suffered stillbirth in july and i feel that because more teens are becoming pregnant, they are also suffering loss.. and doing so in heavy isolation because their friends can't even comprehend parenthood.. not to mention being the parent of an angel.

you're doing an incredible job and being a nurse as you said, i think she is in wonderful capable hands to teach her about consequences, i humbly ask you to consider teaching her gently about one of the real great fears i have for my future teens so that she may avoid ever having to suffer this pain, especially at such a fragile time as adolescence is. pregnancy didn't worry me.. i was safe because i was smart.. if i had known the reality.. i wouldve been more cautious.. this may allow some teens to further grasp the severity of actions that are unchangeable.

 

[hollysurly]

Always be friendly with your daughters then they will be share their feelings with you .

Remember to consistently allocution to your boyish babe as an adult. Even admitting you may not accede that she is one, that is how she is activity and she will account you for it. It aswell helps to accumulate the curve of advice accessible and that is what you wish to do at all costs. Aswell bethink that your boyish babe knows her bearing bigger than you but, that you are there to advise her the moral judgments that are axiological to authorize a able-bodied formed and admired adult.

Believe it or not your boyish babe will be your best acquaintance as an developed no amount how abounding fights you may accept during those abominable boyhood years as continued as you apprentice to allocution and listen. Just like every acceptable marriage, you accept to accept a few acceptable disagreements to apperceive that it isn't all one sided and anniversary has a say in how they anatomy their lives. You'll be animated and even appreciative of the accord that you accept accustomed with your boyish daughter. You will aswell see that this arrangement will chase the both of you as you move into altered stages in your lives, a acceptable arrangement to actualize and canyon on to the next bearing of boyish daughters.

_______________________________________________________
“Simplicity is the keynote of all true elegance.”

 

[PeaceLoveBaby]

amotherslove, I am so very sorry for your loss I, too, have a Lily and couldn't begin to imagine what you went and are going through. You're a very strong woman. Thank you for suggesting I include that in the education of my daughter..I absolutely agree with everything you have said. I wouldn't have thought about it at all, honestly..and sadly. But unfortunately it is a huge part of life and pregnancy. Again, thank you..and light be with you

Holly....I have no idea what you said lol. but ty?

 

[morri]

If you don't want to put your daughter on hormonal birth control consider the frameless gynefix copper IUD which comes in a size that is suitable for teenager and last for about 5 years without any kind of worry about taking pills or mood swings from hormones etc.

 

[Sarahcake]

I was on the pill from the age of 12 (may have been 13 actually) as I had really heavy periods. It was at that time that I was starting to think about sex, I wanted to get myself covered just in case I had it and felt very adult that I had made that decision.
It turned out it was a few more years until I had sex for the first time, but I think, if shes thinking about sex and wants to be on birth control then that is one very clever young lady you have there, so many girls just go out and do it without thinking of the consequences, your daughter wants to be safe, I have to applaud that.

Also, from a parent point of view - nothing you can do or say will stop her having sex if she wants to do so. If your not overly keen on having the mum im pregnant chat with her, then I would personally, allow for her to do what she wants and cover herself.

 

[PeaceLoveBaby]

Thanks girls We went ahead with the depo shot. She's been educated on everything surrounding the subject of sex. Now I just have to trust her to be smart about it.

 

[luz]

my husbands little sister started birth control right when she started her period. She did it to help regulate her hormones and so she didn't have to go through the awkward acne-faced teenager phase. I think it's fine, i mean i don't think it's fine for an 11 year old to be having sex, but if she's going to do it, it would be much better to prevent any children. Babies don't need to have babies.

 

[PeaceLoveBaby]

Absolutely! Thank you