Am I doing the right thing?? Nowhere else to turn!

[MummyCarly]

I'm sorry to bring this here but I don't really feel like I have another outlet to go to.

The Father of the baby lives in USA, I live in AUS. He came down for a 3 month visit after us talking "online" for 18months. It didnt work out between us at all, It ended really badly and I hated him. Was one of them horror stories I guess you hear about when meeting someone online.

Anyway to sum it up he came down for 3months we used protection I got pregnant by accident, But I made the choice to keep her raise her knowing that he lived in USA and wouldnt be able to provide any sort of "father figure" to her. All of a sudden he wants to come be here for her birth and do things for her then go home. I originally said no because of many reasons, and its continued to stress me out ALOT. He's been going behind my back emailing my mum asking her if he can come stay with her and she did the right thing and said it's not up to her its up to me and to talk to me.
The last time I said no to him I asked him to stop going thru my mum about stuff as I am not a 13 yr old girl who needs her mothers permission to do anything, I am a grown woman about to have my 3rd child.

I just dont see how it would do any good him coming down to even meet her, he wouldnt be coming back anytime soon he offered to see her "once a year" but I think in the long run that would confuse her she wouldnt understand or know who he was.

Am I being a spitefull B**** or am I doing the right thing? I can't tell maybe its the hormones maybe It's the mother in me saying "dont complicate a complicated situation".

What do you girls think.. Feel free to say anything I wont get offended if you tell me Im mad or completely unreasonable.

 

[surprisebaby]

i think you should let him see her. I imagine she would prefer to have some contact with her real father than none at all. I never got to see my father after the age of five because my mum thought it was better i didn't see him (he had moved away) and it upset me greatly that I didn't have any contact at all. I eventually did see him when i was 20 when he was dying of cancer but it was too late because he died the night I went through, unable to talk to me.

So yes I think there should be some contact. I think it would be in the best interest of your child and cruel not to.

 

[lou_w34]

Is he planning on phoning, emailing, sending any money during the times he doesnt see her?? If he isnt, and is just planning on seeing her once a year and thats it, then i would tell him where to go aswell... a young child wouldnt understand who he is and it would probably confuse them, and as they get older they would question why he doesnt want to see them more and resent him.

Surely he could manage to see her at least once every two months... At least she would have some idea of who he is then.

 

[teal]

I think that seeing her once a year will do more harm than good. I agree with Lou that she would be too young to understand who he is if he's only seeing her once a year.

It must be frustrating that he's going behind your back and speaking to your mum Would you feel comfortable having him there for the birth?

Sending you hugs xx

 

[MummyCarly]

@ Lou, he cant see her once every 2months he lives in america and I am in Australia it costs about 2000$ for a plane ticket just for him to come, and he barely even has a job. So once a year is even a maybe since he has a daughter in america that he sees every 2wks and pays for aswell. He emails me when he wants to know stuff maybe once a month.

I agree that once a year is pathetic and even if he did offer to send money for her in the future I just think it would be out of guilt, he has offered to buy stuff for her now and its more like well "My daughter will need..." and Ive flipped and said dont try to claim her as your daughter just cause we slept together. I think him wanting to come down to see her straight after shes born is more a thing of "I want a picture of her and me together to take back home and go oh look at my daughter"

@ Teal there is no way in hell I would let him be in the room for the birth, not comfy with that one at all. My mum will be there with me thats all I want. I barely slept last night thinking about if I even want anyone there, This pregnancy has been nothing but stress and a upheave of my life I just want her out and to move on and go back to a somewhat normal routine again.

 

[MummyCarly]

stupid double post

 

[teal]

I would never allow my ex to be at the birth either I was just wondering because you mentioned he wanted to be at the birth. It's not sounding very fair on you if he's left you to it for your entire pregnancy and now wants to swan back in for the birth and then disappear for a year at a time.

I know you don't need all this stress at the end of your pregnancy xx

 

[purpledahlia]

I think for now telling him no is also what i would do. If he is going to send money and keep in touch and you send some pictures etc thats all very well and good, but i dont think untill shes old enough, maybe 6 or 7 and you can explain her dad lives in america and would she like to meet him.. then he could come.. if he is still interested that is. But only if he is gonna call HER and email her and keep in touch via webcam etc with her from that day .... as a baby i wouldnt bother with once a year visits. id leave it till shes older and can communicate with him herself. xx

 

[starbucks101]

I agree with surprisebaby. If he is prepared to come visit from america then he should be allowed to. I think travelling once a year from america is completly realistic and would be absolutley heartwrenching for any loving parent. Leaving it untill she is 6 or 7 is not the right thing to do.

He's obviously stepped up to the mark & considering that her is the other side of the world and you decided to keep the baby anyway knowing this, that denying him and baby any contact is incredably selfish and not in babies best interests at all.

Just picture telling your child at 13-14 when they ask, "Oh your dad did/does want to see you but i decided he couldnt because he lives in america" Obviously you wouldnt word it like that but thats about all that is going to be soaked up by a teenager and the chances are that will do some serious damage to your relationship.

Do your other children have envolvement from their dad(s)? I'd take that into consideration too!

At the end of the day, if he was having the baby and said you couldnt go because you lived in Aus, what would you do?

xxxx

 

[expecting09]

I agree with the majority of the others. Whilst your LO is a baby she's not going to know who he his, and it will do more harm than good. Once she's older and understands whats going on you can re-assess the situation and go from there, if she's happy to only see him once a year then fine

 

[Singl3Daddy]

This looks like a classic tale of a bitter mother taking all the issues she may have with the guy out on him THROUGH THE BABY... C'mon!!!!

He may have made a bad choice somewhere down the line but the guy is clearly trying to make up and do the best he can at this point. He’s promised to visit once a year and just because he didn’t mention sending money or phoning doesn’t mean he won’t do it or YOU yourself can’t bring it up.
(You all know guys don’t think properly half the time when it comes to stuff like this)

If you ask me he's already doing alot more than most guys would have done.

Refuse him the chance do what he can for HIS child and i think you are the bad guy in this story.

a Child is not going to be confused who are father is if you are all playing on the same side, but play on opposite sides then.......

 

[lou_w34]

I dont think its very fair to call her 'a bitter mother' especially when she is going to be the one looking after the child every single day of their life... and he's what? Offered to visit once a year?? And shes said herself he may even not visit then, it may be less than that.

Its not his fault that he lives in the usa, but its not her fault that she lives in aus either, its an unforntunate situation, and shes asking for advice, not to be called names or critised.

xx

 

[sweetlullaby]

Ok....

1. It's not nice to insult someone by saying its a case of "bitter mother". She's 34 weeks pregnant looking for advice not an insult.

2. He's offered to visit once a year...taking into account that he lives in america, you live in australia, the cost and his job situation plus he has a daughter in america as well...i would agree to it. If he does visit etc then he's making an effort at least and if he doesnt bother visiting then I would say he doesn't care. Let him either step up or mess up then at least in later years you wont be seen as the bad guy with your LO because you wouldnt allow FOB to come and visit.

3. In regards to him being there for the birth thats your decision to make. Would you feel comfortable having him there etc? Ok read back lol I didnt want FOB there in my case either. Maybe you could let him come over too see LO after the birth. If he does take photo's etc to show off back home then let him..If he doesnt stay involved then thats his decision and all he'll have is a couple of pictures.

4. I know you have a lot of hatred towards him but it is his daughter as well and if he wants to provide for his child etc then let him.

5. I dont know the full situation but if he has been in regular contact throughout your pregnancy etc then i would give him that chance as long as he's willing to provide financially, stay in touch through phone calls,emails, webcam when she's older etc as well as visiting once a year then let him but if its just a once a year visit and not staying in touch etc then it will confuse your daughter and upset her that her father doesnt stay in touch and just visits once a year.

6. As a baby she isnt going to really understand either way but if your willing as she gets older i would show her pictures and let her babble away on webcam etc where she can see her daddy so as the once a year visits dont confuse or upset her.

7. He shouldnt be harrassing your mum though unless he's desperate and you have cut communication with him though from what you've said you havnt and he's just trying to go behind your back.

8. Im only going by what i've read from your post so the full situation could be a lot more complicated but whatever your decision you'll have had your reasons for doing it and i hope that the rest of your pregnancy is stress free! xx

 

[Singl3Daddy]

Ok maybe I shouldn't have used 'Bitter' but I still don’t agree with not letting him do whatever he's able to do for the baby and the baby mother.

seeing her dad once a year isn’t going to confuse the child that the father lives in America and that you are not together anymore... how have divorced parents done it all these years?
To lou_w34, you make it sound as though her looking after her own child would be a chore. When it should be a joy? Yes he's offered to visit once a year, MummyCarly herself said the guy barely has a job and it costs $2000 just to fly down to Aus.
Him visiting and doing his fatherly duties when he can is better than nothing. He’s not trying to get back with MummyCarly but just trying to play a part in the child’s life.
Put yourself in the child’s shoes and think what they would want.
A father that loves them and does the very best he can or having no knowledge of the father at all

Sorry but I had to stand up for the men

 

[Singl3Daddy]

P.s you might want to read this

i-am-your-child

 

[scaredmum2be]

goin thru ur mother is a no no makes it worse i thinkx

 

[MummyCarly]

@ SingleDaddy, I understand what you're trying to say even though alot of it sounds as if its said in anger. There is more behind the fact that I live in Australia and he lives in America, I just wasnt going to flood this with what happened between us for the 3months we spent together.
His original reason for wanting to come back down 2wks before the birth WAS to get back with me, the reason for this is because he has a daughter now who is 5yrs old, he didnt find out about her until she was 3, so now hes blaming me for missing all that stuff (the 2nd time around). Just let me tell you this, within a week of him coming to australia he was wanting to talk about permanent residence and leave his daughter in usa (i wasnt even pregnant at this point), I said to him "what about your daughter" His response to that was "Well Ive only known her for a year of her life, This is my time in my life to be happy". I dont care who you are or where you are from, Thats not something ANY PARENT would say, and she lives 10minutes from him.The moment he got back to usa he went into some Councelling for his "issues" So I want to make sure he is STABLE and understands when/if he did come down it would be to visit his daughter (Yes I recognise her as his daughter aswell) As far as the money to come down and visit her that shouldnt be used as a reference to what he is doing as a father, thats his decision if he can or cannot afford it, As I am working and providing for his child, I havent asked for anything sure I could but I didnt feel "right" asking for support for a child he wont see often, if at all depending on what the outcome was. Also I never mentioned not telling her about her father or letting him be involved, my whole thing was "Should I let him come down for the birth" I have kept in contact with him and HIS parents throughout the whole pregnancy and will continue to do so which is also alot more than alot of women in my shoes, hormones and the stuff he did that I had to put up with would do. Although I do appreciate your points and the fact you're sticking up for all single dads I dont really need a single father poster child to use me as an outlet or to be name called some simple advice coming from a single dad would have been acceptable.

@ The other girls, Ty so much for your advice in all this its nice to hear from both sides of the fence, I have talked to him and asked that he not come down at this point as I feel more comfortable just going through the birth process with my mother being there then once I have recovered from that (Which I would send him pictures of her) That we could then discuss again him coming to visit her. His family is sending down some baby clothes and a blanket his mother hand knitted which I promised to wrap her in after she was born and send a picture for them.

I dont hate the guy I just want him to have his priorities straight before bringing him into her life, Aslong as he is aware that when he comes down its to see her for however long and not to get back with me or to make "issues" like he did when he was down here last time. Then I will have no issue with him having contact with her.

To answer someone elses question, Yes my other 2 children know their father, he visited them once every 2wks until he went into Jail, His current girlfriend comes over alot with THEIR new baby. So this isnt a case of jealous ex or wanting to be the only one in the childrens lives, I fully endorse men taking responsibility in their childs life. My other main issue was him coming once a year for a week spending some time with her and that being that, Sure she needs a father just like she needs a mother, But if I was in the other shoes in this position I would want to PROVIDE for her moreso than just come see her once a year. Just seeing someones "Face" once a year doesnt make you a good parent, Its providing not only financial but also emotional and physical.

Sorry If I rambled on, morale of it so far is that I talked to him a couple days ago and we both decided that it would be best if he waited a few months after the birth before visiting and that he would atleast email or call to check on her and to support her financially like I am having to do.

Thanks for all the advice it helped me in considering alot of things

 

[lou_w34]

I dont think its a chore at all. I never said that.
I look after my daughter all by myself, i have no help from anyone (occasionly my mum does help out, but apart from that) i do everything, and i dont think for moment its a 'chore' i treasure everything, i think every mother does. (as does every father)

I have put myself in the childs shoes... and i imagine being told at 4 your going to see your dad, then five hours later he's gone again, you forget all about it, untill your 5, then it starts again untill your a teenager, and then you question why he doesnt see you often... It may be wrong of me to say that, but its what i think i would feel if i was that child, and i can only go by what i feel.

And im sorry... but some time the 'man' doesnt need to be stood up for lol

xx

 

[lou_w34]

Oh and that is a lovely story but very sad aswell... you may want to send it to my daughters father, he does nothing for her, arranges to see her and doesnt turn up.

You act like i dont no how damaging it can be for a child to not have a father... yet i can see for myself the damage when i imagine my daughters future.

xx

 

[Singl3Daddy]

@ SingleDaddy, I understand what you're trying to say even though alot of it sounds as if its said in anger. There is more behind the fact that I live in Australia and he lives in America, I just wasnt going to flood this with what happened between us for the 3months we spent together.
His original reason for wanting to come back down 2wks before the birth WAS to get back with me, the reason for this is because he has a daughter now who is 5yrs old, he didnt find out about her until she was 3, so now hes blaming me for missing all that stuff (the 2nd time around). Just let me tell you this, within a week of him coming to australia he was wanting to talk about permanent residence and leave his daughter in usa (i wasnt even pregnant at this point), I said to him "what about your daughter" His response to that was "Well Ive only known her for a year of her life, This is my time in my life to be happy". I dont care who you are or where you are from, Thats not something ANY PARENT would say, and she lives 10minutes from him.The moment he got back to usa he went into some Councelling for his "issues" So I want to make sure he is STABLE and understands when/if he did come down it would be to visit his daughter (Yes I recognise her as his daughter aswell) As far as the money to come down and visit her that shouldnt be used as a reference to what he is doing as a father, thats his decision if he can or cannot afford it, As I am working and providing for his child, I havent asked for anything sure I could but I didnt feel "right" asking for support for a child he wont see often, if at all depending on what the outcome was. Also I never mentioned not telling her about her father or letting him be involved, my whole thing was "Should I let him come down for the birth" I have kept in contact with him and HIS parents throughout the whole pregnancy and will continue to do so which is also alot more than alot of women in my shoes, hormones and the stuff he did that I had to put up with would do. Although I do appreciate your points and the fact you're sticking up for all single dads I dont really need a single father poster child to use me as an outlet or to be name called some simple advice coming from a single dad would have been acceptable.

it wasnt so much as anger but more of a distaste to some of the comments/advice made in response to your post, to which most of my comments where directed to.

not knowing the "many reasons" for refusing him to be at the birth and questioning his actions>> "All of a sudden he wants to come be here for her birth and do things for her then go home" + some of the other comments on the post made me make the 'bitter' comment, i now realise it was a wrong thing to say and im sorry.


i think i was quick to defend him because this whole story reminded me of when my my sons's mother tried to keep him away from me when he was born (loooong story )

looks like youve made the right decisions. and yes it clear that you're doing alot more than most people whould have done in your position.

And im sorry... but some time the 'man' doesnt need to be stood up for lol
xx

lol. thats true.

Oh and that is a lovely story but very sad aswell... you may want to send it to my daughters father, he does nothing for her, arranges to see her and doesnt turn up.

You act like i dont no how damaging it can be for a child to not have a father... yet i can see for myself the damage when i imagine my daughters future.

xx

sounds like he needs a slap at the back of he's head.

i think its just as damaging when the mother is not about... i can also see it in my son's future.... but hopfully the vacancies get filled sooner rather than later