Am I selfish ?

[Lilly12]

I feel like I'm going nuts..
I always knew that I wanted to have kids..I've had this maternal instinct since I was very young..

Me and my husband have been married for a year, and he never thought about having kids before, ever.

I started talking about it a few months ago, and he would get annoyed with me..telling me "someday" he'll want to have a child.
Now last month I missed my period and we thought I might be pregnant (even though we had sex with a condom), then he told a few people at his work about it and they were so happy for him, and he said he got a little excited but scared, and he said that he'd totally support me etc and he'd be happy.

Now I know that I wasn't pregnant by several BFN & my period just started a few days ago..so I was talking to him about babies etc.
He talks about it normally now without getting annoyed or mad at me, so thats an improvement, and I asked him when he'd want to have a child and he said before he turns 34, and that's even pushing it (meaning he wants to have a child probably before he turns 34)...he turns 31 next month..so thats within 3 years.

I know I should be happy, but I'm not really.
This feeling I have is SO strong, it's basically all I can think about.
Everything in our life is perfect, in every way. We have a great appartment, great family, good income, great marriage!
It's making me feel depressed having to wait so long! Although in my head I know 3 years isn't that much since the past year has flown by so quick, but my body is driving me nuts!!!
I feel like we would be such great parents and he thinks so too, and everyone arounds us even wants us to have a child, family & friends, so we'd have such a great support system too.

He said something about that he's a little scared because I'd be a stay at home mom and he'd be the only one bringing in money..the the next day he says he isn't scared at all..
Im glad that he finally told me that he wants to have a family with me, and that he wants to be a daddy before he turns 34..AWESOME!! Im really happy that he FINALLY said that..but still...
I'm going crazy..it's litterly all I can think about, this is the strongest internal feeling I've ever experienced..

can anyone relate?
that'd be great, knowing im not the only one!!

btw Im turning 25 in june and my husbands turning 31 next month.

 

[booflebump]

No, you arent selfish hun, you are being driven by a perfectly natural physical need! Did you discuss having children before you were married? I dont quite understand why he thinks 34 is his magic number where he thinks he might be ready...have you asked him? Its natural for him to feel scared too. Luckily, you have time on your side being relatively young xxx

 

[princess_bump]

i don't think your selfish at all. i have found wanting children is often such a huge part of someone's life that it can take over. could you perhaps sit down and talk to him about starting a family sooner? perhaps list all the worrying things about having children. it is a scary scary thing having them, but soooo amazing! xx

 

[Armywife]

I totally get how you feel, i had that urge from a young age and finally had Poppy after multiple mc's and other problems. Now Poppy is only 7 months old but i'm already desperately broody and ache when i see pregnant women. Some women just have very strong urges i think, although i am worried if i am a bit mad! A lot of men feel how your hubby is feeling, i can't tell you how many ladies i have seen on here upset that their oh's are sending mixed messages. I think you just have to stay positive and discuss your feelings as often as possible. Good luck sweetie xx

 

[Lilly12]

Well honestly, we talked about it before we got married but not as much as maybe we should have..
He said he wanted to have children someday..
That was fine with me...

But now it's like I feel like I'm totally ready to have a child, and he feels as if I'm totally ready too, so that's not the problem.
I think he's just scared of the unknown, and he has to get used to the fact of having a baby..since he's really never put that much thought into it.
He was into partying with his friends and stuff, basically he's been growing up the past year ALOT. He doesn't want to party anymore, etc etc.

I don't know what's with the age of 34..I guess that sounds "old" to him..LOL.
Yesterday he told me" Should I tell my mom that we're planning on having a baby soon?" ...
and Im thinking to myself, soon?
Then today he said within like 2 years..so I think he isn't sure yet, or doesn't know when he'd want to start trying..
But I do think that it might be sooner than I think..or maybe thats just wishfull thinking??
Im confused..men

 

[princess_bump]

no wonder your confused! maybe a good old heart to heart is whats called for. i think before you get married or i found before ttc is a big 'thing' i knew we both wanted children, but like you, felt no need to sort out a proper date if that makes sense? i think once you feel that urge to have children, it get's harder. hoping you can talk through it soon sounds like your husband is ready, just scared, as we all are before we have children! xx

 

[Dinah]

I've been in a similar situation several years ago because I started getting really broody and bringing up kids and DH kept saying 'oh someday' and he *totally* wasn't ready. But, thankfully those days are gone, he's as desperate as me and we are just WTT for money reasons for just a few more months.

In hindsight those years went quicker than I expected them to and I'm sure they will for you too. I found my broodiness was stronger and weaker at different times so sometimes it was easy to just carry on with life not thinkinga bout it and other times my body drove me nuts as you describe!

I think you do need to sit with your DH and make a more definite plan so you can relax a little and stop trying to pick up clues from his mixed messages.

*hugs* good luck!
Dinah

 

[laural11]

aw, I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how you feel. Last month I thought I was pregnant (bfp, followed by period) and that started up all the new broodiness for me too. my DH sounds a lot like yours, kinda into the idea of kids, but not obsessed like me.

You are not selfish. Its a natural desire for us women. That's how God made us. Most men just don't get it. Like others have said, try to have a real frank conversation with your husband. Does he have some good reasons for waiting? Maybe you can come to some compromise. Get down to the nitty gritty stuff, finances, housing, job situation. Can you work things out so you don't have to wait so long.

Hope you can work something out

 

[Lilly12]

Thanks huns..
Sometimes men are hard to understand..LOL.
I tried asking him why he wants to wait but he cant seem to give me an answer.
I think he's just getting used to the idea though, since hes making progress.
First he got annoyed with me talking about it, and now he doesnt mind too much as long as I know when to stop..which is hard sometimes

 

[Lilly12]

So today... me and my hubby were talking about that his mom would be thrift store shopping so much for our baby (whenever we have one), and we were talking about strollers and cribs and stuff..he wants to get those new (me too), but i think its so adorable when he talks about stuff like that.

Also I said yeah your mom would think it would be GREAT, and then hes like I know it would be great, but give me some time to get used to the idea.

Im so happy he's getting more excited about it, I can just tell he is!!

Hes adorable heheh.

 

[baby20080112]

Hmmm ,No, you arent selfish.

 

[tabby28]

My OH is exactly the same - he started out being really reticent to talk about babies although I already knew he wants them alot because he has always said so. But the actual prospect of (W)TTC scared him initially. Gradually, with alot of talking, he has got much more comfortable with the idea and I now understand that he had alot of concerns about being a good dad, bringing in enough money, being able to help me and my health. I think men have alot of valid concerns that they find it very difficult to talk to us about and that can be really confusing and frustrating for us. Keep working on it, and I think it will get easier and easier to discuss it with him.

I'm also sure that we do seem a little nuts to them because they just dont understand how strong the biological urge is in us. I feel nuts myself sometimes, waiting to TTC is so hard and lately when AF has been late i've practially driven myself crazy wondering if I could have somehow gotten pregnant. I guess we scare our men a little because they just don't have the hormones driving them! Hang on in there, lots of us are in the same boat.