Am I too tough on my 4 1/2 year old

[Mrs Doddy]

I'm all for my 4 1/2 year old being independant , I try to get her to do things for herself - dressing/undressing, tidying up, washing in the basket, setting the table for food and clearing the table after. I'm quite strict with it and yes sometimes it causes tantrums even if it means that it takes twice as long she needs to so it herself .... If she has tried and really can't do something I will help as long as she has made an effort (she has a lazy thing where she will take her trousers down to her ankles and try to kick off the end bit and not use her hands then say she can't do it)

A friend of mine really seems to baby her child, sleeps in her bed/still has a bottle at night and a few things she has said like he won't go in a buggy any more or will sit in a booster chair - all of which at 5 I wouldn't have thought he should be doing anyway ?! She seemed quite irritated that he wouldn't do it. I watch other parents put their kids coats on (I do her zip if she can't) and their shoes (I guide her to make sure they are on their right foot) ect and think do I make an argument for no reason when I expect her to do it, as I know she can do it ?

Am I too harsh on her ?

 

[shanny]

No I think teaching them to be independent is important.

 

[LoveMyBaby786]

No i think thata fine. I also have a cousin who is 5 her mother babys her as its her last child as she says. She wont eat with a fork by herself her mum still feeds her but each to their own i suppose bur i think its great to teach them to be independent

 

[Mrs Doddy]

I've never babyed her , I don't have the energy to do everything for her as well as her brother (who is a baby)

 

[Mrs Doddy]

Good to know it's not me as I know I'm a bit strict sometimes

 

[hattiehippo]

I think it's important to teach them and encourage them to be independent but I do think it's also good to remember that they are only little still and sometimes it's nice to cut them a bit of slack.

My DS is 5 and more than capable of dressing himself and going to the toilet himself and does all of this at school. But if he asks me to help him in the evening and I can tell he's knackered then yes I help him just like I'd help an adult who needed it. I also quite often tell him to start doing something like he'll take off one shoe then I'll do the other one for him. I've only got the one so obviously it's easier for me to do this than someone with other kids too.

 

[aimee-lou]

I'm quite strict. I have 3, and my eldest is quite significantly older/more capable than the other 2. I do encourage him to do most things for himself. He will dress himself 90% of the time, put his own shoes, coat, hat on etc when we go out and will even make sure he's got all his things for school if I ask. My middle DS is 2y8m and I suppose I do baby him a bit more than I did with DS1, but 9 times out of 10 I'm in a rush lol. Things like feeding himself he still requires help a lot of the time but he will also fetch/carry etc and doesn't use a pushchair unless it's school runs (even then it's only the legs when DS1 is with us as otherwise it takes too long lol). I also have a 17mo so I suppose the 2 younger ones get lumped in, but they are certainly encouraged to do things by themselves and I know that from about 3 DS1 was expected to do quite a lot by himself. There's nothing wrong with that at all....independence and self-reliance are important for confidence and in later life, children need to know that they are capable. Obviously it's important to get the balance right, but nothing wrong with teaching your child to pick up after themselves, dress, wash etc and have basic life skills.

 

[DonnaBallona]

I am the same as hattiehippo, I try to strike a balance. To a degree, my two elder children are fairly independent but they still only young. I help with getting shoes on the correct feet and pulling tights up so they aren't baggy but they actually do the putting on of things and get lots of praise for doing it nicely. They love to make their own drinks for example, but I help them put the squash in the cup then they fill it with water. I wouldn't say they were babied in the slightest but I do take pity on them if they need help

 

[Kate&Lucas]

I wonder this constantly! I swing between feeling like I should be doing more for him and feeling like he should be able to do most things on his own. I can't decide on which is best
When he first started school his teachers kept commenting on how he "loves his rules", I couldn't help feel like it was a hint to me that I'm imposing too many But I've always been a bit all-or-nothing with things. Once he could dress himself I got him doing it every day, once he could wash his face it was his responsibility, he tidies his own mess etc.
It does make me feel pretty mean when I see other parents fussing around their kids. Just one of the million things I feel I'll never get right when it comes to parenting

 

[KayBea]

im the same as you with my LO. Shes 4 next month.
she puts her clothes in wash bin, lays table & clears the table. she helps hang the washing out by matching socks etc. she will tidy up.
i dunno if im strict on her but she lives here too & helps create the mess so she can help tidy it.
i cant stand stuff lying around either though...

 

[rosie272]

I don't think you're too tough on her at all! Things like tidying up, putting dirty clothes in laundry basket, setting and clearing table - they're basic tasks I think, and age 4-5 is a perfect age to learn them. Charlie has basic tasks to do as well and if he was really struggling with something then I will help but only after he's tried by himself. He has no problems getting undressed and can almost dress himself completely (depending on the clothes) he still can't button up his school shirt so that's a work in progress, but I don't mind helping him with that because he genuinely finds it difficult and gets upset he can't do it.

I think some Mums find it hard to stop doing everything (from my personal experience with friends) and I don't know when that could potentially become an issue? Independence is important imo.

 

[Mrs Doddy]

Thankyou all , I take after my father who made is very independant , glad I'm not being to hard tho as I would want her to feel like I don't care

 

[EcoMama]

I'm similar to Hattiepoo, my 5 year old can do lots of things independently but if he is struggling or tired or whatever then I will help him..... But I try not to nag and I do tidy up his clothes after him.

Although he hasn't used a pram sonce aged 2, He does sleep full time in my bed, I do see that as babying him, but my OH works away alot so it's nice for me and him and my 1 yr old to share a bed to stay cosy

 

[EcoMama]

Also!... I dated a guy when I was 18 whos mum tied his shoes laces and opened hos mail!.... He still lived with his mum (which is fine at 21) But after him I learnt to never live with a guy unless they've lived on their own 1st

 

[annanouska]

if that makes you strict I'm the wicked witch of the west

My son is 2.5 I get him to do table with daddy out things in bin clothes in and out washer etc. it's in a gentle way but he's delayed so I do these things over and over so when he's old enough that others do them he may have grasped it. He is fiercely independent tho and it has backfired in that I say no to eg a banana he goes and gets one himself

 

[tallybee]

Gosh no I don't think you're harsh at all, it's so important for kids to learn to do things for themselves and pitch in around the house I would never live myself if I raised young people who weren't able to hold their own x

 

[SwissMiss]

I'm similar to Hattiepoo, my 5 year old can do lots of things independently but if he is struggling or tired or whatever then I will help him..... But I try not to nag and I do tidy up his clothes after him.

Although he hasn't used a pram sonce aged 2, He does sleep full time in my bed, I do see that as babying him, but my OH works away alot so it's nice for me and him and my 1 yr old to share a bed to stay cosy

Pretty much this, for both my 5 (almost 6-) yr old daughter and 4-yr old son. They are both perfectly capable of dressing themselves (Kilian can't do zippers v well yet), carrying their plates to the kitchen, putting dirty clothes in the bin, etc and they both sleep in their own beds at night MOST of the time. But if either one (or both) is struggling and tired and wants my help (which really = my attention to themselves for 5 mins) then I help without reprimand or argument. I also never make an issue of them wanting to come into our bed once in a while. What I *do* hate is having to get up myself in the middle of the night If they want to come over, I receive them with open arms and lifted duvet. If they sit in their beds and yell for me (unless they are sick) then they get a V angry/grumpy mummy coming to them...
They are still little and as long as I know they *can* do it (so there are no issues at KG/school for eg) then I think that little bit of pampering won't hurt.

 

[emyandpotato]

No I am actually envious of you, you seem like a great parent! So long as you're fun and loving/understanding as well as strict it's totally fine.

I baby my LO but he is very much still a baby- my friend pointed out the other day that my 3.5 year old and her one year old are very similar. He can't dress himself properly and struggles with lots of tasks. I let him use a buggy as he needs it. I think I'm going to try and be stricter with him though and follow your lead with things like setting tables.

ETA he does sleep in my bed when he's ill/upset and I will continue to allow that for as long as he needs.