Another In-Laws Thread

[LilFooshFoosh]

Hi all,

I know there are a lot of these types of threads but I'm just not sure how to handle this situation. No one knows the intricacies of our relationships but I'm hoping maybe someone has a suggestion I haven't considered yet.

I don't like my MIL, FIL is ok but he just does what he is told when it comes down to it. I have a scheduled c-section, DH and I talked about it and we both agreed that we would not be telling family/friends the exact date as we want to be able to call everyone when we are ready for visitors and not have people banging down the door or calling for updates.

Several weeks ago my MIL announced that she would be in Hawaii the week before my due date. DH and I had accepted that and honestly I was relieved as after our DS was born neither MIL nor FIL came to visit at the hospital, they called and kept telling us they were coming but then didn't show up. Then they called to tell us they were coming to our house for dinner (which we were supposed to provide) the day we got out of the hospital. This time around, we figured maybe FIL could come visit us at the hospital and might even watch DS for a few hours so DH and I could have some alone time with the new baby.

Then yesterday DH got a call from his parents. They were telling him about upcoming dates and "important" events. Eventually they asked how we were doing... Anyway- DH asked about MILs trip to Hawaii so we could mark it on the calendar (and he could confirm if she would indeed be gone for the scheduled c-section date). It turns out they are planning on visiting SIL in CA before MIL goes to HI. So the plan is for FIL to fly to CA on March 1st and spend the whole month there...MIL will fly down maybe a week before her flight to HI and then they are undecided about whether or not to come back here before Easter.

I am devastated for my husband and our unborn child. His parents both spent upwards of 3 weeks helping his sisters when they had their children. But they couldn't even be bothered to come to the hospital or bring us dinner or anything for our first and now even worse have planned to be out of the country for the entire month in which our next is to be born.

I don't care at all if they aren't there, my family is very supportive and will be there to visit, take care of us and basically do whatever we/I need. But that isn't the point. The point is that DH feels like a second class citizen in his parent's eyes since they don't seem to care about him or his family.

Any thoughts on how to handle it? We still will not tell them when my c-section is scheduled as the reasons are still valid- MIL will tell everyone too.

Thanks!

 

[MeaganMackenz]

Oh hun, I have a set of those in laws of my own in almost the exact same fashion. MIL and FIL aren't together, so my gripe is mainly FIL.
When I had dd2, hubby's sister was also pregnant and about 2 months ahead of me. She went to the hospital with gall stones and ended up having a c section for the baby when she went into labour at the hospital. FIL visited, brought flowers, bought her a used crib and held a baby shower for her. When I had my daughter he didn't visit the hosp, he came by when we were home for 10 minutes literally, bought a dollar store card/gift bag and mini teddy.. Left because it was Thanksgiving and he was cooking supper for his family. Nope that didn't include us, but hubby's sister her family, his dad, gf who is half his age and their 2 small kids. When he left my hubby actually cried. It was terrible. He didn't care at all I had a baby and put far more care and effort into hubby's sisters pregnancy and labour.
I didn't even want to tell his family I was pregnant as we weren't talking up until I was 17 weeks. I'm dreading having this baby and seeing hubby's heartbroken look when his dad shows little care over it.
I'm sorry that was long my point was I understand the heartbroken hubby and the sibling thing. I'm so very sorry you're having the same issues. It's no fun. My family, like yours, are very supportive but we're small. My dad has advancing dementia and won't understand a new grandchild, my mom's trying to "enjoy" her time with him before he needs a home (he's only 64, she's 53). My grams is quite active but she sells Avon 24/7 and is actually more busy then I am! Who I have on my side is amazing, but we're small (and can be preoccupied sometimes but still better then his family) . His family is gigantic, but pretty self involved. FIL has the family where we live, MIL (whose a functioning alcoholic and a bit nuts with menopause) all her family is provinces over and don't care about us.

I wish I could offer up some help or support but honestly I'm trying to work it out the same as you. Hang in their hun, it sucks but well make, shitty families and all. Xoxo.

 

[LilFooshFoosh]

Thanks hun. Sorry you have to deal with the same thing.

We want to talk to them about it but DH is really convinced all it will do is make it worse. We don't want to cut them off because they are still family and we think it is important for our kids to know them. Plus we don't have any issues with any of DH's siblings.

We don't expect very much from them to start with since they never seem to follow through, but this was just too much.

 

[calm81]

I really have no advice to give as I'm dealing with my own in-law issues. I suggest, just say,"screw it" their loss not yours! If they don't want to be there to welcome their new family addition, then to hell with them. I know it's your husband's family and he's feeling a little hurt or out-casted, but he has a new family to care for and that will appreciate him back and then some.

I believe my MIL is being passive aggressive with me, she was over the top excited for the arrival of our son 3 years ago, begged to throw baby shower, was buying clothes before we even knew the gender, then showed up at the ultrasound appointment for the gender reveal. Over-the-moon, since his birth she's been extremely clingy and gives me unwanted parenting advice ( I have a few threads on that if you get bored).

So flash forward to this pregnancy, NO EXCITEMENT WHATSOEVER, here I am a few weeks from giving birth (both my babies born at 36 weeks and doctor predicts the same for this one) and nothing really has been mentioned about my unborn baby by my husbands side of the family. Not even mentioned in phone calls, if my hubby brings up the baby or the pregnancy she just,"oh really, that's nice," and changes the subject.

I believe she's being passive aggressive with me because I stand up for myself when she corrects my parenting (I do it in a very polite way, believe me, I'm very nice about it), and she's upset that I don't want to visit her 3 times a week. I don't even see my own parents whom I'm extremely close with once a week, yet alone 3 times!!!!

My husband is sulking because I asked for everyone not to over stay their welcome at the hospital or to be camping out at our house waiting for us to pull in the drive way from the hospital. Last time was BRUTAL, trying to heal from stitches and I'm expected to play hostess??

I feel for you, I really do, and your poor husband feeling the shaft, but let her visit when your baby is used to his/her environment and its new mommy and daddy. She'll visit when she wants and only she will miss out if she keeps playing MIA Grandma.

Sorry I couldn't give real good advice. I still need advice for my situation. Instead, I'm here if you need a good vent, we can share horror stories!!! Believe me....I have more stories haha, unfortunately.

Good luck!

 

[MeaganMackenz]

I know exactly how that feels. It's tough. We've cut his fil off a few times because he just doesn't seem to care more often then he does. It's frustrating to watch and hurtful for hubby. I'm hoping this time will be different but I'm cautious. Hugs.

 

[mel28nicole]

I feel like your DH. My parents treat me like a second class citizen. My mom tries to be supportive but she could really care less. I'm just slowly accepting the fact that I don't need them and DD is deeply loved by everyone in DH's family. Rather her feel the love than the negativity from my family

 

[Bookwrmgal]

I know how your DH feels and it really sucks. My parents also treat me like a 2nd class citizen. Since my mother found out my baby has a medical conditions, I am treated much better because I'm a cause she can trot out to her friends. ugh!
Anyhow, I don't have any real advice other than it might help your DH to express his sadness that they are going to miss so much of your baby's first month. That way he gets it off of his chest but then again it might make him feel worse if they react the way my parents would, which is to act like I'm crazy and dramatic.
Regardless, I'm sorry you are having to deal with this!

 

[LilFooshFoosh]

Thanks all. DH spoke to his sister in CA and she was really surprised (and a little angry) that they hadn't bothered to talk to us at all before making all these plans. She was supposed to call them last night to talk about their visit and she said she would ask them how we felt about them not being around for the birth. DH is supposed to call them tonight to talk about it. Talking to SIL was helpful for DH; even if it turns out his parents are still going away it made him realize that at least he has siblings who care.

SIL also said that MIL has been "trying to give us space" (read: avoiding us) since she repeatedly stuck her foot in her mouth when we lost our son last year. I guess apologizing never crossed her mind...

 

[Quartz]

Its sounds like everyone is working at cross purposes and no one is talking.

You dont want people to know when the date is so they dont visit. They are taking that as you dont want them there and therefore are going away.

She feels you want space you feel she is avoiding you. It sounds like its awkward between you and its due to not communicating.

 

[LilFooshFoosh]

Its sounds like everyone is working at cross purposes and no one is talking.

You dont want people to know when the date is so they dont visit. They are taking that as you dont want them there and therefore are going away.

She feels you want space you feel she is avoiding you. It sounds like its awkward between you and its due to not communicating.

Thanks, but you misunderstood what I said. I said that we don't want them to know when our c-section is scheduled; they are completely aware of what my due date is and we had told them previously- at Christmas when everyone was there- that the baby would be here about a week early we just didn't have the exact date yet (and we didn't have it at the time).

Even if we didn't want them to visit in the hospital at all (which isn't the case, we just don't want floods of texts/calls/people randomly showing up at the hospital to try to deal with while I'm in surgery or if something goes wrong or if we get bumped back a day), leaving the country is a bit extreme...no?

These travel plans were made after we they were told approximately when the baby would be coming. Considering in most cases, one wouldn't know exactly when the baby would be arriving I don't think it is too much to withhold that one tiny piece of information, especially when we have narrowed it down to a specific week for them.

As I said MIL will not keep the date a secret, she has proven that time and again.

We have made loads of effort to keep them informed. Communication is a two-way street.

 

[Quartz]

I was writing in a hurry so I probably did not come across that I understood..

Yes communication is a two way street but it sound likes your MIL is leaving because she feels not welcome and it (and I am not denying she is being stroppy) going away to avoid it as she has built it into something that is not.

I find in these situations its always helpful to put yourself in the other persons shoes to try and figure out why they behave in the way they do. To be it sounds like she misinterpreted what you were saying and decided the best way to handle it was to leave.

 

[LilFooshFoosh]

They aren't aware that we have been booked in for the section, we just got the date on Jan 8th and it hasn't even been confirmed by the hospital yet. I could see her being put-off if they had asked us for the date and we had said we weren't telling. Or if we had made some comment about not wanting people at the hospital or only wanting my family there or if my mum was coming to the birth, but none of that happened.

I have tried to figure out how she would think that she wasn't welcome but I can't. The last time we saw them, at Christmas, she sounded interested and rubbed my belly. Nothing untoward happened and nothing has changed since then as far as we are aware. A large part of why it is so upsetting, especially for DH, is because there appears to be no reason for it. If there is something that happened then we aren't aware of it.

She was invited to the hospital when DS was born, she chose not to come. DH invited her several times and she would say she was coming and then she would say something else came up, his sister that lives in town came.

I guess we will just wait and find out what they have to say tonight.

 

[LilFooshFoosh]

So, DH spoke to MIL last night and she gave no reason for their trip other than she wanted to go. After telling her he was upset with their lack of support she said they will cancel.

Then she did a 180 and said she wants to stay with us for a week or more after the baby is here.

So a whole new kettle of fish! But at least DH feels better...