Anxiety over rape in past

[Tattoo]

More than two years ago I was raped by someone who I trusted and loved, and considered my best friend. I never reported the rape, mostly because it took me a long time to realise and accept that it was rape, that just because I'd invited him into my home didn't give him the right to help himself to my body. Then I just wanted to put it behind me. The man in question emigrated (a huge relief to me!), and DH and I took a counseling session with Relate, and I felt I was more or less over the incident.

Now I'm pregnant, and the anxiety I felt immediately after the rape has returned.
A few days ago I burst into tears and had a panic attack during sex with my husband. I have dreams about this man, and I convince myself that I'm seeing him everywhere I go. Worst of all are the flashbacks. The rape wasn't violent, I didn't physically fight him off. Instead I just shut down and thought to myself "Just get through this, and then everything will be ok." I have flashbacks to the event now, and my horrid brain makes me go over it again and again, thinking about what I should have done.

I know these feelings are because of my pregnancy hormones, but I feel awful. I feel scared, but honestly my main emotion over it is guilt...I feel like I let my husband down, as if I cheated on him. And that I let myself down, like I deserved it because I was stupid enough to put myself in a position where I was vulnerable.

No-one knows about the rape apart from my husband and my mum.

 

[Tattoo]

I'd like to thank anyone who took the time to read that. It helped just to write it down.

 

[MindUtopia]

I just wanted to send you . I was raped many years ago too, actually a few months before I met my now husband, and I've experienced a lot of what you are feeling. I never reported it either and it took me awhile to actually come around to the idea that what I experienced was in no way consensual. I had flashbacks and panic attacks and just tremendous guilt for a long time. I just kept running through my mind all the things I could have done differently, and blaming myself for everything. I did speak to a rape trauma counselor. It was only one session and I didn't keep going for more sessions after that (I'm not a therapy kinda person to be honest), but even that hour helped me tremendously! My panic attacks started to subside after that and I felt like I had more control over myself and my safety. I still have anxiety problems in certain situations and times when it all comes back, but it's largely not related to the rape as much now (I actually got mugged about a year later and then a few years after that I got physically assaulted for no reason by some drunken idiot in a bar - I have awesome luck as you can tell!). The anxiety I have now is actually largely tied to those incidents (which I never got any counseling at all for), so I realize how much talking to someone about the rape made a huge difference in my recovery (and actually it would probably be a great idea for me to see someone about the other incidents as well). Did you ever go for any trauma counseling? Like not just with Relate, but counseling specifically for you to deal with some of the anxiety and flashbacks. Even if you did, pregnancy changes so much about our bodies and our lives, that I can see how helpful it might be to talk to someone now. Even for me. Anyway, just wanted to share my story with you. I hope it's helped. I don't think it ever all goes away or gets completely better, but healing is still possible and you deserve to feel that healing.

 

[Tattoo]

Thank you for your reply.

 

[emalou90]

oh lovely.
maybe you could speak to your doctor and get some more counselling? it may just help you get through these feelings again.
pregnancy will make you more anxious than anything, so getting some help now might just be the best thing for you xxx

 

[julietz]

You will find a way to deal with it because you have to, and once your little one arrives honestly it will help you so much, because you will be so busy and lots of love to give and receive, the pregnacy hormones are aweful, i couldnt even watch big foot without bursting into tears, everything gets on top of you twice as much, just try get through it and look on the possitive side, im sure you wouldnt want to go through it all again and re live it by doing something about it, the laws tough now and you dont need the stress plus it will always be with you, you never forget, but you can push it way back and brick it up oin your memory, replacingit with your future memories, try some meditation, relaxing techniques, im sure you will do whats right for you, be strong