any advice for getting over ttc and moving on to adoption?

[froggyfrog]

Hello all, dh and I are attending an information seminar next week with an adoption agency. We have been ttc for five years and many times talked about adopting. We decided that its finally time to stop talking about it and pursue it. We have spent the last few months kind of done with ttc, but a part of my heart still mourns not being able to get pregnant. Please dont get me wrong, I dont feel like I have to carry a baby for it to be mine. I don't care where my baby comes from, or what they look like, I just know that we are above being ready for a child. Im feeling really guilty to the little boy or girl that we adopt for feeling sad that I wont get to ever be pregnant. Is this normal? Should I wait to adopt before im fully over not getting pregnant, or will this feeling even ever go away?

 

[Savasanna]

Hi, hun.

First off let me say that I 100% understand your feelings and where you're coming from. These thoughts/feelings are absolutely normal and I bet they even discuss them during your informational meeting. I've felt completely the same way. I don't have a ton of advice for you on "how do you move on" other than just time and acceptance. When we first started to pursue the foster-to-adopt route we were still ttc. So, at first, I felt like I was just "playing along" but that this whole process wouldn't really be necessary. Then, my last IUI failed and things became real. At first, the foster/adopt prospect made the failed IUI better. It was like a little safety net and I was so pleased with this decision. However, after a few weeks I feel into the area of where I think you are now. I tried to be excited but even looking at baby things (we've started to purchase some things to spread out the cost) made me so sad. I agree - pregnancy is such a short part of the whole parenting process.. but that's the part we're at right now so of course you're going to mourn it! Of course a baby's genetics don't really matter - but as I was lamenting with my mother and aunt the other day about he paper thin hair that runs in our family I couldn't help but be sad that I wouldn't be having that conversation with my child. These are very real things something ANYONE would feel.

What I can say is that every day that goes by I feel more and more sure about this decision. Yes, sometimes I'm still sad... but sometimes I'm thrilled! We're going to be parents! Christmas concerts! summer camps! movie nights! (and yes, arguments about home work and bed times too but we don't have to think about that now ) It's all pretty fulfilling.

So - I guess my advice would be to allow yourself to mourn. Mourn what you're losing so you will be ready to embrace what you're gaining.

Our paths are a little different - you're working with a private agency while I'm working with the state - but I'd be happy to be an adoption buddy with you. This section of the forum can be a little quiet - it's nice to meet a new face, so to speak.

 

[Savasanna]

Just an add on - I'm not saying wait to pursue adoption until you're "done mourning", because as with any greif, it'll likely never FULLY go away. But just like greif we learn a new kind of happiness. And eventually, a happiness that maybe we wouldn't even have done anything differently. Just don't feel guilty for your feelings. The adoption process can be lengthy - so go check it out, even if you're not feeling "ready". You may be more ready than you realize!

 

[froggyfrog]

Thank you so much for your response. It is an agency that we are possibly getting involved with, but they work with the state as well as domestic and international adoption. We are leaning more towards using them to help us adopt from the state, but are playing with the idea of taking out a bank loan and doing domestic adoption. Another question I have about some of my feelings is do you feel guilt over setting limitations? For example age. We dont care about gender or race, but we want an age young enough to where they will always remember only us. And sometimes I feel bad about that.

 

[Savasanna]

We're the same way. At this time, we're only willing to consider fostering a child less than 1 year old, and preferably under 6 months. We have a lot of reasons for this, and I can go into them with you if you'd like - but they don't really matter. What we've learned so far is that, through this process, it is important to be honest with yourself. We are not equipped to parent an older child at this point. Therefore, if we agreed to accept a child in our home - it wouldn't be a good fit. And that's not fair to either us or the child.

At the same time - a lot of people don't want babies. Babies take a TON of time, require constant supervision and sometimes offer very little sleep. This just isn't feasible for many - but it is for us. So we're here for them. It's a balance and you just have to trust in the universe that if a child isn't right for your family, they'll be better placed with someone else.

I struggle with this too. More in preparing myself to be able to say no when we get that phone call that there is a 4 year old needing a placement. It will be hard, but it will be for the best.

 

[froggyfrog]

Thanks so much for all of your words today. Im very glad I "met"you. We have said that we don't want to go older than 3. I would love a baby, but always figured they were harder to get because most people want them. Guess thats not always true!

 

[Savasanna]

I think that's more true in the adoption process than the foster process. I mean - there definitely appears to be a plethora of people wanting babies - but my process is split with people who want to foster-to-adopt vs. people who are solely fostering. The foster to adopt are more likely to be looking at younger children, I think.

Plus the pool is just smaller. I haven't done my research but I think there are more families looking at private adoption rather than going through the foster system. Mainly because, for me, I'm not going to know whether I'll be able to adopt a child until much further into the placement. So there's an inevitability that at least one, and likely several, children will be reunited before I find my forever baby. But, I'm trying to learn to take comfort in the knowledge that I provided a safe space for that child while they needed one. And being reunited with a safe birth family is a gift to that child, even if it's hard on my heart. You can only prepare yourself so much for heartache though, and even if it's right, I'm sure that part will be tough.

Do you mind me asking when you decided to take a break from ttc a bio kid?

(I say that because, in a weird way, I still feel like I'm ttc - "coneive" just means something different now)

 

[froggyfrog]

It all kind of started back in April after our 3rd and last failed IUI. After that we decided that I would continue my letrozole and we would try at home. Then around august I stopped taking letrozole stopped opks. We decided to try again in November, opks and bding but yet another bfn! And last month it started to really hit me hard that we have been ttc for 5 years feb 2015, so dh and I talked about it and decided lets just move forward with finding a baby already made! So pretty much August was when we started to dwindle it down