Any other Bipolar moms?

[kimini26]

I was diagnosed with bipolar when I was 18. I've been on and off meds for years. I was off meds during my pregnancy and cycled badly. I wanted to breastfeed so didn't start back on meds after the birth of my daughter. Unfortunately that led to a bout of post partum psychosis. So here I am, back on meds. I'm taking Lithium, Lamictal, and Risperdal. I'm getting headaches almost daily, but they keep me functioning. I didn't really enjoy being a mom until Emily was 4 months old. I don't want to go back there, but I'm at that weird place now. The one where you feel pretty good most of the time and have suddenly developed memory problems when you try to remember the darker times. I'm trying to remind myself that I need my meds and the fact that I'm doing well is proof they're working, but the nasty head aches they give me are sort of driving out common sense.

Anyway, just wanted to see if there are any other mother's in a similar situation that want to talk.

 

[hellohefalump]

I have schizo affective disorder, so similar. I also has post partum psychosis, but two years on it still hadn't gone away so now they're saying I'm schizoaffective. I don't really get mania, bit I get very bad depression at times. I've been on olanzapine since the birth of my son, which was awful. I've just changed meds to aripiprazole, and I feel so much better now, I feel like I've woken up after two and a half years, because the olanzapine was a sedative and made me very sleepy all the time.

I have hardly been functioning at all... But with my new meds I've started to do little things ie clean the house. I'm taking things one step at a time. My dosage is still being increased slowly so I'm up and down like a yo to but things should settle.

I just want to be normal, enjoy life, look after my kids and possibly get a job when my youngest goes to school. I've never held down a job in my life for very long, because of my illness.

The trouble is, when my psychosis starts or my depression gets bad, suddenly I start thinking strange thoughts and think that taking my meds is making me worse, so then I stop taking them and it gets worse!

 

[kimini26]

I'm glad your meds seem to be helping. My doctor wants to put me on abilify but I'm afraid of the steep price. My manic symptoms now are mostly extreme anger and paranoia. I still have the occasional money making scheme bounce around my head but much more stable over all. Do you find yourself often wondering when the crazy is going to kick back in? Do you ever worry someone is going to report you to the police as being an unfit mother and then have your child taken away because of your diagnosis? That one bothers me particularly when I'm going through a depressive phase.

 

[kimini26]

So I'm up to 900mg on my lithium and today was the first day I got mad for no real reason and snapped at DH. But it didn't last long. I think my symptoms are under control except for feeling very anxious all of the time. I'm sleeping well and that's really making me a much more patient mom.

I read somewhere that mom's with bipolar disorder should consider not breastfeeding because they truly do need a solid 8 hour stretch of sleep at night. I wonder if that wasn't a factor in my mental meltdown after Emily was born. Would I be called selfish if I choose not to breastfeed with any future children? I don't think I care, lol. I think especially where mom's with mental illness are concerned that a happy/healthy mom = happy baby. And I'm getting sick of reading about how sleep training is selfish or cruel. I think some parents really don't have a choice or the luxury of just waiting for their child to "get it".

 

[MileyMamma]

I have bipolar and ODC, I take Quetiapine and ES citalopram everyday, I have halved the dose of quetiapine mood stabilizer while I am pregnant, I tried to come off them a few weeks ago but it really did not work out for me, I fell back into the depressive pattern that terrified me 3 years ago when I was diagnosed, I also get paranoid schizophrenic symptoms so I agreed with my mental health team to go on a half dose of mood stabilizers and change my anti-depressants for a safer one and so far so good I seem to be coping, I am still getting depressing moments but I expect that. Just got to keep strong for my 5 year old daughter and little Bumpling

 

[hellohefalump]

I didn't know that about needing eight hours... But I didn't breast feed my son because I was on too many meds. I don't think it's selfish, I think it's more selfish to breast feed no matter what and end up with a sick baby. My daughter was breastfed, my son wasn't, and they're both very healthy. If you have a good reason not to breastfed, which you do, then you shouldn't feel guilty. Formula milk is very good these days and babies thrive on it. As for sleep training, so many people do it... And their babies are fine. If its what you need to do then do it.

I'm fairly stable at the moment, the abilify is good stuff! Im lucky I live in the uk, so I get it for free. I still believe strange things... But I'm scared not to Incase bad things happen so I don't want it increased even though I'm being told it should be upped a little. But they're not bothering me anymore I'm living well with it. I believe in aliens and if I stop believing, then what if they really exist and I'm not on my guard and they do something awful to my family? No, I'd rather still believe in them, as long as they're not bothering me.

 

[kimini26]

I don't feel bad about stopping breastfeeding anymore but I do enjoy getting mad at people who condemn formula. I think sleep is incredibly important when dealing with a mental illness. I know I improved 100% once Emmy started sleeping at least 6 hours at a time. I didn't have to use sleep training with her but I would have purely for my own selfish reason: sanity. I got luck that she is such a great sleeper. I would really prefer to go without meds but not because I enjoy life without them. They make me sick and I get headaches and nausea almost every day. I get tired of it.

Miley, good for you staying on meds! Its sometimes hard to tell when the ship is sinking but you did.

hellohefalump, I'm glad you are happy with your abilify. We were going to try that next but my doc changed her life at the last minute. Sounds like you are doing the living with your delusions but not letting them take over. I hope that came out right. My head is kinda jumbled right now. I think a large part of my illness is controlled by my own rationalizations. They keep my behavior in line better than any pill.

Are either of you on an anti-psychotic? My doctor won't let me stop mine although I have cut them in half.

 

[miss h]

hi there Ladies. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about 4 years ago. I came off all meds when I fell pregnant with my LO. I was on Lithium, Quetiapine and Citalopram before hand but never really got on with them. I was also fortunate to receive psychological intervention to help me and my partner recognise the early warning signs and put together an action plan should I start to slide down or go up.

The main problem I had was with depression and the last proper episode of this was when I was 20 weeks pregnant with my LO (nearly 2 years ago). I was so low that I couldn't get out of bed, I went back to self harming and I remember having to get out of the house but wanting to step in front of a bus. OMG I felt so bad about that. I was carrying the thing that meant most in the world to me and I wanted to hurt myself. I sought help very quickly and it was decided to put me on a low dose of fluoxetine.

As I said, 20 months on and I have had the odd day of being rather low and a few of being quite manic (mainly coming out as aggression) I am on a low dose of fluoxetine and that is working well for me.

However, I have noticed recently that my moods seem to be cycling rather rapidly at the moment. I work shifts and because a friend has been off sick recently I have had to extend my period of night shifts. I think that this had really started to screw with my mental health. I am constantly trying to catch up on sleep while maintaining a household and spending quality time with my daughter. I am finding it really tough (I work 42 hours a week).

 

[kimini26]

Hello miss h! I went off meds for pregnancy and then decided I must not need them anymore after my daughter was born. I was sooooo wrong. I cycled like mad and I'm still cycling but much more slowly. Instead of great shifts in mood every hour or so it more like once a week for a few days at a time. I've recently been a little naughty. I was up to 900mg of lithium as of 3 or 4 weeks ago and I was feeling awful. Very depressed and sick feeling. I forgot to take my morning dose one day last week and had an almost normal day. A few days after that I forgot again and had another decent day. So I didn't take my morning dose all weekend. I'm back up to 900mg now and hoping the horrible feeling doesn't return. I felt so scared and panicked and couldn't figure out what was up. I think I was getting toxic on it since I'm not the best at re-hydrating. I'm hoping my pdoc will give me an anti-depressant or something at my next appointment. I can't stand feeling like taking care of Emily is almost impossible to do because I feel so weak and scared.

 

[snowflakes]

Kinini26 and hellohefaump and all the others who suffer from from these issues a great big hug. I suffer too, but dont want to go into all that (too long of a story). But i know the meds can get pricey, what about asking your dr for some samples. I love my dr soooo much and she gives me samples quiet often. its so hard to get the right meds, its defiinly a science. By Dr has finally come up with the right meds and they definely helping. Of i still have my moments. But, I feel like we are on the right track. If you would like to talk in more def please ,message me. Good luck sweets! I'm here if you need me! Hugs and kisses. Just hang on. xxx

 

[kimini26]

So I had my appointment today and my doctor wasn't the least bit upset with me cutting back on my meds. She actually lowered my dose a little more. I'm hoping this will be the change I need. I sometimes wonder if I would be a better mother off meds altogether. I don't like to take them at all and the side effects suck.

I don't know how many times someone has said to me, "you seem so normal, I can't tell anything is wrong with you." That is kind of the point of medication, is it not? Just because my patches of crazy are spread out and mostly limited to irrational thinking/spending doesn't mean they don't exist. I have moments when I NEED a new phone/computer/car/husband/life/candy bar, and I have moments where I can't even consider existing for one more second. Just because I don't sleep around or drink or abuse drugs doesn't mean I don't suffer. Why do people always insist on physical proof of these things. Even my psychiatrist sometimes wonders if there isn't something else wrong with me altogether. It isn't enough to be sometimes suicidal, paranoid, angry, irrational, and completely unable to sleep because there is too much going on in my head. I feel as if my problems don't matter since they aren't as extreme as other people. Sorry for the rant, just need to take a moment and express this.

 

[miss h]

So I had my appointment today and my doctor wasn't the least bit upset with me cutting back on my meds. She actually lowered my dose a little more. I'm hoping this will be the change I need. I sometimes wonder if I would be a better mother off meds altogether. I don't like to take them at all and the side effects suck.

I don't know how many times someone has said to me, "you seem so normal, I can't tell anything is wrong with you." That is kind of the point of medication, is it not? Just because my patches of crazy are spread out and mostly limited to irrational thinking/spending doesn't mean they don't exist. I have moments when I NEED a new phone/computer/car/husband/life/candy bar, and I have moments where I can't even consider existing for one more second. Just because I don't sleep around or drink or abuse drugs doesn't mean I don't suffer. Why do people always insist on physical proof of these things. Even my psychiatrist sometimes wonders if there isn't something else wrong with me altogether. It isn't enough to be sometimes suicidal, paranoid, angry, irrational, and completely unable to sleep because there is too much going on in my head. I feel as if my problems don't matter since they aren't as extreme as other people. Sorry for the rant, just need to take a moment and express this.

Wow - You expressed it exactly. Many people that I "confess" my illness too think I am making it up. I am the kind of person to battle through the day at work and then just collapse when I get home... in tears for hours for no reason. I was able to carry on like this for a very long period of time until it started to creep into work and I would have to take myself off to the toilet to break down. I was very good at hiding it for a very long time but in doing so I made myself so much worse.

 

[kimini26]

Finally, someone who understands that part of it. Do you feel like you need to justify your illness to others? As if it weren't enough to be subjected to often violent mood swings. I'm hoping this depression blood test they've come up with will help to legitimize mental illness more. So many people who have never experienced it themselves seem to write us off as drama queens or something. Mental anguish sucks regardless of whether or not we choose to share it with others. Personally I try to spare my friends and family when I would probably be better off leaning on them for some support.

 

[holliepop]

Can someone please describe the symptoms you experience with having bipolar and how does your gp go about diagnosing it?

 

[kimini26]

For me it was spending money I didn't have, getting credit cards in my name and my husbands and not telling him. Not paying bills so I could buy things I really didn't need. Not sleeping much because I had too many things going on in my head. Making plans to paint the house and take up new hobbies I previously had no interest in. Then I'd have normal periods where I did none of that. Then came the depression. I would sleep too much, feel horrible about life in general, feel like a complete failure and just want to end it all. Not wanting to go to work or clean my house or take a shower. I would just lay in bed all day trying to work up the energy to get up. I was diagnosed and misdiagnosed several times in my teens. My gp listened to me describe how I'd been feeling and behaving and diagnosed me based on that. I went to a psychiatrist who also agreed with my gp and we went from there. Right now I am off meds but only because we were on vacation and they make me sick. I'm going to start them back up tonight so I don't have a relapse. I've tried the manage it myself approach and it just doesn't work. I used to think I could reason myself out of these episodes but the lure of spending money and doing fun things was irresistible and I couldn't rationalize away the physical aspects of depressive symptoms. Many people just don't understand that there is a very real brain chemistry problem involved in bipolar disorder. Many people just don't want to accept that a chemical imbalance could cause so much chaos in a person's life. I have grown to hate hearing, "It's just in your head, you are weak minded."

 

[holliepop]

Thanks for replying, I have just been diagnoised with pnd and anxiety and have started on anti depressants. I thought I may be bipolar, there are days when I feel so full of enegry,my body feels so hot, im so talkative to days where I have bad thoughts running through my head 24/7 , constant worries and feeling so negative about everything, occassionally suicidal thoughts, I also have pretty bad anger outbursts...Well I guess I'll see how I feel a couple of weeks in on the anti d's but right now I just dont feel 'normal'..

 

[justhoping]

Im not bi polar but I am diagnosed with chronic depression that can get severe at times. I feel for everyone here and know its a daily battle. Its always if only I dont need my meds, I really wish I didnt, but then again thank g-d we live in a world that has them now so that we could live pretty normal lives. Imagine yrs ago when they didnt have them. That is what makes me stay on track ...