Any thoughts for the girlfriend of an adult brother of a 12 year old?

[nikkiana]

I'm not a parent, but I'm currently entering a situation which may require me to be sort of parent-like which I'm a little overwhelmed with, and just sorta wanted to vent/seek out advice from parents of tweens and teenagers... My SO and I are 28 years old and he has a 12 year old sister that he has never met in person, just talked to on Facebook whom he wants to introduce me to...

First... The background story.

My SO, James' parents divorced around the time he was six years old, and when he was 11 he and his mother moved from Upstate New York to Phoenix, AZ. Shortly after the move, his father decided that he no longer wanted contact with his son and told him as much, and James hasn't spoken to him since.

About a year and a half ago, James got a message on Facebook from a woman that he remembered being a friend of his father's. The woman hoped that this wouldn't upset him, but she wanted to tell him that he had a little sister named Hannah who is 10 years old (she's 12 now) who had been raised knowing that he was out there somewhere and had been expressing a lot of interest about her older brother and that she hoped that he would be willing to get to know his little sister, and she included a note from the little sister and what her Facebook page was, and they've been very slowly getting to know each other ever since.

He's struggled a lot emotionally with things over the past year... Gaining contact with his sister has caused him to have to grapple with a lot of emotions in regard to his father. Early on, he was totally bewildered as to why this young lady was so interested in who he was, and since James hasn't really had any experience dealing with kids and in general isn't a huge fan of kids, he was initially really freaked out by her.

As time has passed, and they've gotten to know each other and he's discovered that the kid really likes music, they've bonded and he's absolutely ecstatic that he has a little sister.

It's been a really beautiful thing to observe evolve and it's been an honor to be a sounding board for when he's struggled with his feelings about things... not to mention it's been very theraputic for me because I grew up in a family situation not too dissimilar, I have a half-brother who was 15 years older and a half-sister who was 18 years older and being able to be there for James really has helped me forgive my own siblings for some of the missteps they made with me over the years.

He's spent the past few days trading music back and forth with his sister, so she's been on his mind a lot and he was telling me how he's beginning to consider that he may want to meet her in person sooner than later (initially he wanted nothing to do with an in person meeting until after she was 18) and how he's really worried since he heard that their father just moved to Tennessee and he's scared that he'll pull the same sort of "I don't want to talk to you anymore" bullshit that he pulled with him, and is beginning to consider possibly contacting his father.... and he's started worrying about how to explain to Hannah why they don't talk anymore, and he's not sure how to handle that because he doesn't want to upset her in case things are going well with her dad... and topics of conversations about boys and social stuff has been coming up and he's beginning to feel like I'd be a much better person for Hannah to bounce stuff off of.

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with the whole thing... I'd love to talk to Hannah and get to know her, but I'm feeling really cautious... and I'm sort of uncomfortable with the fact that as far as I know, James hasn't really had any contact with Hannah's mother (I know she knows they're talking and is fine with it, but beyond that... I don't think they've talked). I feel like if James and/or I are in a position of being confidants for the kid, we should be at least have a conversation or two with her mom.

I was wondering... has anyone been through anything similar? If you were Hannah's mom, how would you want stuff handled?

 

[JASMAK]

Does Hannah not have others in her life like her mother, siblings, friends, uncles, aunts? Seems like your OH is trying to 'save' Hannah, based on his own experiences. I would just go with the flow and not worry about all the ifs, ands, and buts. Sounds like she just wants to meet him.

 

[seoj]

All I can think to recommend is to chat with Hannah's Mom about possibly meeting- and just go from there. It sounds like Hannah is just excited to have a brother (I'm guessing she doesn't have other sibllings) and it sounds like maybe her Dad isn't around much either. So she might be reaching out for a male figure in her life. She's certainly at an age where she "get's it" and regardless of the relationship she has with her father, she must know your OH doesn't have contact with his Dad (although she may not know the details as to why). I don't see a need for him to bring it up- unless he wants to talk to her about that- or if she inquires? Which, I'm guessing she would at some point sooner or later. Girls tend to be curious Least I know my oldest is and always has been.

Maybe you two could talk first- about expectations, feelings etc... then discuss with Hannah's Mom, then with Hannah. It will work out. Just take it one step at a time. As for contacting his Dad- that is a personal decision he just needs to make when ready.

All you need to do is be supportive to your OH and go with the flow. Just treat Hannah like you would if she'd been around forever and all will be just fine. It's lovely your OH has to you help him through this. I can imagine it's been a bit of a roller coaster!

Sorry I've no great advise... just know all will be OK. And how wonderful they have found eachother after all this time. Best of luck!

 

[Feltzy]

If I was the mother in that situation I'd want to be involved in the set up of any initial meeting, especially with your SO's sister being only 12. It sounds like she would be more than happy for it to go ahead since she was the one who instigated contact. I think its great your SO has found his younger sister and they have become close, she must love knowing she has an older brother out there too.

With regards to any conversation about their father, could your SO just say that he moved away when he was young and they haven't had any contact? He doesn't have to go into details about his father telling him he didn't want to know him, but then again he's not lying by saying he moved away. Its just withholding some of the details until a time when your SO decides is right, if ever, to tell his sister the full story.

I hope it all goes well, it must be really great for your SO to have you there to support him, especially since you've been through similar yourself.