Anybody have severe PPD, want another baby but scared?

[amr1324]

I need help.

With my first (which is now 3 1/2) beautiful baby boy. I suffered with severe PPD/A. I'm going to try and make a huge story short. I had a horrifying delivery experience. My son almost didn't make it, he was 9 lbs 7 ounces and they forced me to have him vaginally. I suffered a 3rd degree tare. After he finally came out he was rushed out of the room . He had 14 ccs of amniotic fluid in his lungs and was completely blue and not breathing. He also suffered shoulder discotia at birth as well. All of the blood vessels in his eyes had popped from the pressure. He ended up having to have physical therepy for the first year of his life because he wasn't able to move that arm..or turn his head to that side. Needless to say he was also prescribed a helmet because he developed a flat spot on that one side. It was traumatic for the both of us. Any who to get where I was going.... I ended up getting severe ppd/a weather the traumatic birth had anything to do with it or not. It started on my way home from the hospital....I wanted to leave that place so bad but for some reason I kept feeling this urge to go back. I got home where a few family members awaited to greet us. I felt fine other than the feeling of exhaustion. We sat on my bed as I was feeding my son and we were all talking then all a sudden a panic attack hit, I knew what it was as I have had them in the past so I told my mom and she took my son so I could get some rest. I wish that I could say that was it but no.....that was just the start. I woke up a different person....shear panic...the worst ever. The feeling was so intence. I never felt like hurting my son but myself...that was a different story. I remember telling my mom that ID rather die then feel this way any any longer. This went on for a few days and then I got help. Needless to say I want another baby so bad but am afraid to go through that again. Has anyone experienced something similar??? Please help.

 

[Butterfly89]

You have been through so much! Honestly, I don't know the answer because I've been through it too. I always wanted 3 kids, but now I'm terrified to even have 1 more. My pregnancy was very difficult, and my birth was too. They wanted me to have a C-section, then changed their mind, then last minute decided I needed one but it turned out to be too late so I had him normally. My son got stuck but luckily he was still connected to the cord so his breathing wasn't obstructed. But it was honestly terrifying; I was bleeding badly, my epidural had come out, he basically crushed my hips and I had to wear a brace for a while.... He was fine thankfully. But he had SEVERE colic which I attribute to the stress of his birth and being stuck on my hip bones. He would cry nonstop for 10 hours with maybe 10 minute breaks every few hours, then sleep MAYBE an hour at most, then start again. This went on 6 weeks, and it was still severe til he was about 3 months old. It's was really, really rough.

I had depression at the end of my pregnancy due to financial and relationship issues and probably hormones, and it came back hard after the baby was born. I ended up hospitalized for a month. I actually didn't want to be around my son, as horrible as that sounds. I didn't want to hurt him, but I felt like I was a negative influence in his life, and he was better off without me, and I was an awful mother, etc etc. It was mostly around NOT wanting to hurt him in any way.

But eventually I felt a lot better and came home and have been since. He's now 6 months and things are better, but I still have bad days. I'm really afraid it would come back worse next time.

Though one thing someone told me has helped - now I know what to watch for, I know where to go for help, and people around me will take it seriously now when I tell them I need help or support. I really don't know what my decision will be at this point, but I'm definitely waiting til he's a year and a half or two before making any choices.

I think it depends where you are in life to, who you have for support, and how many factors could contribute to the depression like money, etc. If things are stable, you have people to turn to, I would say honestly, go for it... just have things lined up in case it happened again, and lots of people watching out for you too.

Moms with PND aren't any less of a good parent... it's an illness like diabetes, or anything else. Actually some of the best moms I've known went through it. The support is key.. from doctors, spouses, family, friends.