Anyone been to court over a newborn?

[Louisandemma]

I really could do with some advice as it looks like it's come to this.

Anyone been to court over a newborn?

 

[Jade--x]

I have. What advice are you looking for? Feel free to PM me if it's easier/more private

 

[Elizax]

If you are worried about overnights or days of access, you probably won't get it right now.

Court judges understand that a newborn need it's mother for the first year of its life dependently.
Is the mother breastfeeding?

 

[Louisandemma]

Oh no, that's not a worry. I understand that completely, I've told my ex I don't plan to have her unsupervised until she's over 12-18 months, and that I don't plan on asking for my girlfriend to meet her until its unsupervised.

My ex has let me meet her all of three times, shes 9 weeks. No view to seeing her again either. Ex is in love with me and using my daughter as a weapon.

 

[Elizax]

Oh no, that's not a worry. I understand that completely, I've told my ex I don't plan to have her unsupervised until she's over 12-18 months, and that I don't plan on asking for my girlfriend to meet her until its unsupervised.

My ex has let me meet her all of three times, shes 9 weeks. No view to seeing her again either. Ex is in love with me and using my daughter as a weapon.

If that's the case then I would definitely get it sorted in court, it's not fair on the child to be used that way.
You mentioned in abother post she refused to put you on the birth certificate and that's another big problem, she can easily say you're not the father.

To prove you are they will have to court order a DNA test.

 

[Louisandemma]

So far shes not disputing it, I'd be happy to provide a DNA sample if need be though. I have no doubts over paternity

 

[Elizax]

So far shes not disputing it, I'd be happy to provide a DNA sample if need be though. I have no doubts over paternity

She might not deny it now but she could turn around and say in court that you arent, just so you don't get to see her, especially if she's already using the child as a weapon now.

 

[Louisandemma]

Ive been advised to go to court to get parental responsibility then put my name on the birth certificate. im happy to provide a DNA sample in this. im just scared of how long it could take.

 

[Elizax]

You get automatic parental responsibility when your name is on the birth certificate, it probably makes more sense to get the DNA test done to get your name on the certificate and then pursue court ordered access.

 

[Louisandemma]

Ive been told thats not how it works. Whether i get a DNA test or not, doesnt affect whether i go on the birth certificate. I can only ask to go on the birth certificate once i have parental responsibility ordered by court.. unless my ex goes with me to have my name put on.

 

[Elizax]

Ive been told thats not how it works. Whether i get a DNA test or not, doesnt affect whether i go on the birth certificate. I can only ask to go on the birth certificate once i have parental responsibility ordered by court.. unless my ex goes with me to have my name put on.

Well I really don't know who has told you that being through it personally, that was how it worked.

A DNA test proving that you ARE the father means that legally your name should be declared on the birth certificate of which provides parental responsibility.
The court will order your name be declared on the birth certificate of which your partner has no choice but to abide by, she then has to go with you to put your name on.

Then you go through the courts again to apply for a parental responsibility order which is all about access and what you're entitled too, they lay out everything in order of the childs best interest.

Be ready to fight hard though because as I said, some judges do tend to favour mothers.

 

[Zondon]

Hi there,

I'm sorry you haven't been able to see your baby girl for a few weeks now....

I've been lurking here for a few days, but wanted to throw in my two cents today...!

No one is disputing your ex is not behaving very well at the moment. A father who is engaged and interested should have access to their child, unless there are safety concerns or something extreme like that, especially when said child is so young. On that note court sounds like a reasonable solution to your access issues. You can get a DNA test, prove paternity, go on the birth certificate, which will give you parental responsibility, go to court ordered mediation, or if that fails, to court and get access arrangements set up. That way you'll be able to see your little girl at the court appointed times.

However, and this is a big however, you and your ex are both parents to a little girl. I know she's 9 weeks now, but you'll be expected to co-parent this child for the next 18-20 years. Co-parenting is hard enough when people are together, on the same page and like each other. When your ex is this defensive and you take her to court, co-parenting may become that much harder for you both. I get that your girlfriend and people here have explained that your ex may be hormonal and tired and defensive and hurt and that might be why she's restricting access. She probably doesn't trust you, doesn't trust that you'll be around for the baby, is afraid your girlfriend will want to take over as a sort of "mother" to the baby and a bunch of other very unreasonable things.... Suggesting you both sit down with your mums there was a good first step and I'm sorry your ex turned it down.

Have you tried going to her house? Not to talk or ask to see the baby or ask for access or anything like that... Not yet. Just showing up with nappies for the baby or a cute onesie that you saw or milk? Or flowers for that matter? Not for her, romantically, but for the house so she and the baby could have flowers her daddy brought to look at?! Could you do something to show that you want to help her too? Cook a meal of something you know she likes and take it to her? Offer to watch the baby for an hour in her house so she can shower or relax? Are you a regular presence in their lives? And by regular presence I don't mean a dad who calls and asks to see his little girl or ask for visitation, but rather a supporting presence for both of them. What I mean is for all intents and purposes your ex is a single parent. Being a single parent is hard enough without all the unsolved emotional issues she seems to have towards you and without feeling threatened (which she seems to and I'm in no way saying she should be feeling this way, just that she is).

The baby is very important to you. That's absolutely brilliant! You absolutely should have access to your child and you absolutely should be able to parent her and watch her grow up. You say you're grateful to your ex because she carried your child, but that you don't understand why she should have more rights than you. That's one way of looking at it. Another way would be that your ex not only carried your child, but is the primary caregiver for it. Her life has been turned upside down by having a newborn in the house 24/7. Yours hasn't (and I'm just trying to explain how your ex probably sees this btw). She's probably exhausted, frustrated, spending a ton of money on baby things and baby equipment, worrying about the baby and generally being responsible for this little human 24/7 all on her own... In her eyes that's probably very different from your experience of giving money once a week and seeing the child once in a while. And I'm not saying she's right, just that that's probably how she sees it right now.

If she gets that you're not a threatening presence but a supportive one, gets that you not only want to be there for the child but for her too (and you don't need to be with her romantically to want to support and help the mother of your child through this!), gets that they are your first priority, that the child is on your mind, in your heart and that you want to work with her re access and visitation she might be a bit more co-operative.

Please understand I'm not saying you shouldn't go to court over this. You know your ex and the situation better than any of us here. It's just that, the way I see it, you need to be able to trust each other and co-parent this child for many years to come and starting with something like court might not be very conducive to that... Or it might be the only thing that works in your case... As I say, you know best...

Anyway that's my two cents for today!

Zondon

 

[Shezza84uk]

Hi there,

I'm sorry you haven't been able to see your baby girl for a few weeks now....

I've been lurking here for a few days, but wanted to throw in my two cents today...!

No one is disputing your ex is not behaving very well at the moment. A father who is engaged and interested should have access to their child, unless there are safety concerns or something extreme like that, especially when said child is so young. On that note court sounds like a reasonable solution to your access issues. You can get a DNA test, prove paternity, go on the birth certificate, which will give you parental responsibility, go to court ordered mediation, or if that fails, to court and get access arrangements set up. That way you'll be able to see your little girl at the court appointed times.

However, and this is a big however, you and your ex are both parents to a little girl. I know she's 9 weeks now, but you'll be expected to co-parent this child for the next 18-20 years. Co-parenting is hard enough when people are together, on the same page and like each other. When your ex is this defensive and you take her to court, co-parenting may become that much harder for you both. I get that your girlfriend and people here have explained that your ex may be hormonal and tired and defensive and hurt and that might be why she's restricting access. She probably doesn't trust you, doesn't trust that you'll be around for the baby, is afraid your girlfriend will want to take over as a sort of "mother" to the baby and a bunch of other very unreasonable things.... Suggesting you both sit down with your mums there was a good first step and I'm sorry your ex turned it down.

Have you tried going to her house? Not to talk or ask to see the baby or ask for access or anything like that... Not yet. Just showing up with nappies for the baby or a cute onesie that you saw or milk? Or flowers for that matter? Not for her, romantically, but for the house so she and the baby could have flowers her daddy brought to look at?! Could you do something to show that you want to help her too? Cook a meal of something you know she likes and take it to her? Offer to watch the baby for an hour in her house so she can shower or relax? Are you a regular presence in their lives? And by regular presence I don't mean a dad who calls and asks to see his little girl or ask for visitation, but rather a supporting presence for both of them. What I mean is for all intents and purposes your ex is a single parent. Being a single parent is hard enough without all the unsolved emotional issues she seems to have towards you and without feeling threatened (which she seems to and I'm in no way saying she should be feeling this way, just that she is).

The baby is very important to you. That's absolutely brilliant! You absolutely should have access to your child and you absolutely should be able to parent her and watch her grow up. You say you're grateful to your ex because she carried your child, but that you don't understand why she should have more rights than you. That's one way of looking at it. Another way would be that your ex not only carried your child, but is the primary caregiver for it. Her life has been turned upside down by having a newborn in the house 24/7. Yours hasn't (and I'm just trying to explain how your ex probably sees this btw). She's probably exhausted, frustrated, spending a ton of money on baby things and baby equipment, worrying about the baby and generally being responsible for this little human 24/7 all on her own... In her eyes that's probably very different from your experience of giving money once a week and seeing the child once in a while. And I'm not saying she's right, just that that's probably how she sees it right now.

If she gets that you're not a threatening presence but a supportive one, gets that you not only want to be there for the child but for her too (and you don't need to be with her romantically to want to support and help the mother of your child through this!), gets that they are your first priority, that the child is on your mind, in your heart and that you want to work with her re access and visitation she might be a bit more co-operative.

Please understand I'm not saying you shouldn't go to court over this. You know your ex and the situation better than any of us here. It's just that, the way I see it, you need to be able to trust each other and co-parent this child for many years to come and starting with something like court might not be very conducive to that... Or it might be the only thing that works in your case... As I say, you know best...

Anyway that's my two cents for today!

Zondon

Great advice!

Also if you were not supportive throughout her pregnancy this can make a women bitter because it is very difficult to go through alone and watch someone you love go off with someone else. Been there and done that..

Do take a moment to consider her feelings mixed in with hormones best way forward is to attempt a peaceful resolution before getting the courts involved as this will just make her more resentful of you and your partner, do take into consideration the baby is only 9 weeks old she has hardly settled into life with a newborn having someone stress her on visitation and all this would make anyone frustrated after all she is the one sleep deprived and caring for a baby on her own!

Good luck