Anyone else dealing with birth not going how you wanted?

[tallybee]

Having planned to have my third home birth I'm struggling a bit with the experience although we came out healthy. Cervical scarring from a colposcopy two years ago prevented dilation despite contractions with more pain than I can describe, more by far than the two unmedicated home births. Transferred by ambulance and had the full medicalised shebang where I only narrowly avoided emcs as lo heart rate was dipping. I feel a failure and keep flashing back to it. I know the fact we're healthy is the main thing but it's hard x

 

[icegurl470]

I'm surprised no one has responded to this yet. A lot of ppl don't get the birth they want. After two umedicated home births I certainly wouldn't feel like a failure. It's hard enough when things go normally, its not ur fault there was a complication that required medical assistance.

 

[Aliop]

Birth trauma is so real and so hard I will reply properly later, feeding baby at the moment but wanted to let you know you are not alone

 

[tallybee]

Thank you both

I know there must be loads of ladies whose birth experience was different than they hoped for. I feel super guilty for even complaining like I should be happy I have 3 healthy kids and two were the home births I wanted.

I keep having intrusive what ifs that I can't get out of my head.

Things with oh have gone pear shaped as well.

Really struggling

 

[Charmed86]

Have you looked into PTSD? It sounds like you might be suffering a bit with the flashbacks etc. My birth didn't go as planned at all. I went in with an open mind & it was just horrific.

I was due to be induced at 38wks, but actually went into spontaneous labour that day anyway! I was 3cm dilated by the time I got to the hospital. They burst my waters, which resulted in me going to 5cm just by walking around! The MWs were happy for me to continue, but the consultant was not. So after a couple of hours, they strapped me up to a monitor and made me lie on the bed. I didn't dilate any further in an hour, so the consultant said I had to be started on the hormone drip (syntocinon?). That's when things got massively out of control. I don't remember a timeline as such, I remember a LOT of pain, a failed epidural, begging for a c section & threatening to do it myself, begging them to let me out of the bed, losing DS heart beat on the monitor because I'd move during each contraction (at no point was he in distress though) & being told that I would essentially kill my DS if I didn't let them put a monitor on his head. Around 2am, I demanded they turn the drip off or I'd rip it out of my arm, so they did. It was supposed to take an hour for the drug to stop working, but I don't know. They sent in 2 people to check the epidural had actually failed (the MW assigned to me didn't believe me & kept saying I'd still feel pressure). It was eventually resited and worked! I don't know what time of the day that was, but the dr gave me an extra strong dose as I'd been in so much pain for so long. 20 mins later & it started to take effect. The MW then checked me (she was supposed to before the epi but didn't!), I was 10cm - all by myself!! They told me to wait an hour or so before pushing, so I relaxed a bit & I think even had a nap!

When it came to pushing, I didn't know what they wanted me to do. I wanted to breathe through the pushes, like I was told to do in the birthing class.. But they wanted me to hold my breath & bear down, 3 times for each contraction. It was brutal. They let me attempt for an hour & 20m before deciding that I needed an assisted birth. A consultant came in & decided on forceps. They said it was because I wasn't pushing effectively and DS was facing the wrong way (sideways), although I remember someone saying at one point that he'd turned during a push so I don't really know. In my notes it says failure to progress. So out came the forceps, I was given another shot of some painkiller to numb me enough to do the procedure. It was the worst experience of my life. I'm sure she pulled more than 3 times. She did an episiotomy at some point (DH remembers her stating at one point that she was going to have to do it). I have a labial tear, a vaginal tear and an episiotomy. The bruising was horrific. Every MW I saw afterwards claimed it was the worst bruising they'd seen in their careers!! It was bad.

DS was whisked away from me to the paeds & they claimed he wasn't breathing properly & put a mask on him. I couldn't really see anything, but their faces were grim & they weren't really saying anything. Meanwhile, I had a PPH while being stitched up. Later, they told us DS might need to be admitted to NICU, need X-rays & all sorts!! But I was allowed skin on skin for a short while before that needed to happen.

It continued to get worse after the birth. I was in hosp for 4 days afterwards with DS. He was jaundiced, not feeding properly & I was in agony. Turned out my milk wasn't there enough, so he was starving & lost 13.5% of his birthweight in 4 days. He was admitted to a children's ward the day after we were discharged & they put him on formula. My milk never did come in.. A MW speculated it was because of the trauma. We finally got him sorted & he's gained his weight back & fought off the jaundice.. Then it was my turn. I had a uterine infection & anaemia so was given a bunch of tablets for that, plus strong painkillers. The dr who examined me for the infection (I originally went in with possible retained products) popped a stitch while she was examining me & that's recently reopened. I was meant to have an ultrasound to rule out the retained products, but it couldn't be done because of the popped stitches. Apparently they shouldn't have done the speculum exam either because of the trauma!

And finally... I now have a prolapsed uterus!

I wasn't expecting anything magnificent from
The birth experience tbh. I knew it was going to be painful & might end in a way that I hadn't planned, but I was ok with that. I'm not ok with what did happen though. I have a lot of questions about what happened & why. In my notes it said that DS was macrosomic, but there was no actual evidence of this in the growth scans (I had GD). So I don't know if the interventions were partly because of that. DS was born at 7lbs 4oz, so hardly macrosomic!! I'm planning to have a debriefing so I can gain some insight into what went on & what the medical team were thinking throughout.

I'm not sure if I'm just feeling really overwhelmed at the moment, or suffering with PTSD or PND right now. I'm struggling anyway. I'm sure that's not helped by my experience!!

 

[hanni]

Me.

I had hoped for a water birth without medication (don't we all?!). I ended up with a emergency ceserean under a general anesthetic after 42 hours of labour and him becoming distressed, we went for a ceserean and his heart rate dipped and didn't recover so they sent me to sleep. It breaks my heart. I can't look at the photos of me meeting him in recovery without sobbing. I hate that I missed it. Did he cry straight away? Did he need help breathing? I don't know. Who put his nappy on him? Who cut his chord? I don't know who ended my pregnancy and first lay hands on him.
I'm hoping time will help. I certainly know how you feel.

 

[tallybee]

Gosh charmed and Hanni hugest hugs to both of you. Thanks so much for sharing.

 

[Perplexed]

My birth didn't go as planned either and I took months to recover mentally. Like you I feel so bad about complaining because in my case nothing went wrong. The only thing that happened was that I became panic stricken and hysterical and I wish I could have controlled that

 

[BunnyN]

Sorry you are going through this. Maybe this link would be helpful:
https://www.midwiferytoday.com/articles/healing_trauma.asp

 

[tallybee]

perplexed x

Thanks for the link BunnyN x

 

[lau86]

I still feel bitter about my first birth, I was induced at 42 weeks and my 'midwife' kept telling me I wasn't in labour, she was horrid. Yes I was in labour and by the time they realised I was 9cm dilated and my baby was in distress. Cue them pulling him out with his hand by his head causing a big tear. I missed the first few hours with him being stitched up in theatre and he wouldn't feed, I'm convinced his distress and lack of initial bonding caused those problems.
I think it's completely normal what you're feeling after two lovely home births. It does get easier in time. What's happened with your OH? Hope he is supporting you

 

[Taurus8484]

Yes.....my 1st was horrible....hated it. I had just about everything...drip, epidural, spinal block and nearly ecms but had forceps delivery in the end after a reaction to all the drugs made me vomit uncontrollable and pushed him down just enough for them to get him with forceps. Continued vomiting for 24 hours after I had him. I tried to explain it to people how it just felt all wrong and there was nothing natural about it at all. It was a forced birth. No one really understood what I was trying to say.

2nd pregnancy I had a drug free birth plan. Had him naturally as I wished. Hurt like hell but I loved every second of it.

 

[k4th]

I cried for weeks thinking about the birth after having my first. I wasn't prepared, lost control (crying, screaming, begging for pain relief that I couldn't have because I was already 10cm). I then pushed too fast in panic & had a third degree tear. Cue waiting hours for a theatre to be free and then being taken away from dd & oh for hours & having a reaction to the spinal. Urgh - it was awful

The fear & upset I felt when thinking about it did fade over time. It did take a good few months though.

I hope you can start to put it behind you & stop having the flashbacks & anxiety over it

 

[tallybee]

I'm sorry to hear of the traumatic experiences you've had ladies.

I'm being kept busy so no time for overthinking lol.

It's jolted me though the lack of control, I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I wasn't able to do it. I rationally know that I couldn't help it as it was scar tissue that caused the problem. But in my head it's still my body's fault and that's me.

I had a conversation about it with an old friend who's a Dr and it helped a little bit. I learned that they don't like to warn ladies about the risk of this happening from colposcopy scarring as that knowledge would risk putting fear into the mix which obvs doesn't bode well for labouring smoothly, and the risk is small (1/200). I do get that. I suppose there's no way I can know how I'd have dealt differently if I'd known that, it's just another what if to try and let go of xx

 

[tallybee]

Being forced into position to get the spinal was the most excruciating agony I can't even describe it. That and the previous attempted manual manipulation of the cervical scarring while feeling everything because the morphine had worn off and second lot didn't do anything. Why can't I just be happy with my gorgeous baby

As for oh he needs to grow up is the short version lol x

 

[rwhite]

I don't have any advice, but just wanted to offer you hugs xx

 

[LavenderLove]

Oh Charmed I just now found this and am so sorry you had the experience you did. I was wondering how you did. Big big hugs.

At first I was okay with my own birth experience even losing out on the home birth I desperately wanted, probably because for what it was it went okay. The family disaster that happened after was a blip on the radar... then everything sunk in and hit me hard. I ended up feeling very violated and betrayed. I cried for weeks after my girl was born.

Now 11 weeks pp I'm still struggling. I can't even see my husband in the same light as before. I just feel sadness and disappointment at the whole thing now.

 

[GingerPanda]

Me. I thought I was okay, but the farther along I get from the birth (out of the just trying to survive life with a newborn phase, I guess), the more it really bothers me the way things went.

Emergency c-section at 36+4 due to preeclampsia and her being stubbornly breech.

I had dreamed of a natural water birth, but that was never possible, as the closest hospitals or birthing centers that offer water birth are more than 2 hours away, and homebirth is ILLEGAL in my state.

So I chose my hospital because they would let me at least labor in the tub before getting out for delivery.


But, because she wouldn't turn from breech, they wouldn't even let me attempt a vaginal birth. So I was wheeled in for a c-section. They pulled ger out, and I didn't even get to see her at first. Someone else got to hold her first. I didn't get my skin-to-skin contact. Finally hubs got to hold her, so I could see her, but I couldn't touch her because I was tied down. Then, after just a few minutes, they took her away to the NICU. Hubs would go and see her and leave me alone for hours, while I was confined to my room. Just alone. It was 13 hours before I got to see her again and hold her for the first time.

They told me during my section that apparently the reason she had been stuck breech was because I have a septum in my uterus. Something we would have known about if my insurance had allowed me to have the HSG my doctor said I needed after my second miscarriage. I would have gotten surgery to remove it if I had known. But my insurance wouldn't have covered that either.

Recovery from the c-section was fast, but I totally failed at breast feeding, and my milk dried up even though I was pumping every three hours day and night. I blame the c-section...

The whole thing was just so terrible, that I decided Luci would be an only child. But the more it bothers me, the more I want to get the septum removed and have another baby just so I can have that experience. But there are no guarantees, especially since I've already had a c-section, they might decide that I'll never be a candidate for VBAC.

I'm just so jealous of women who have been able to have a normal delivery. And it's the worst when people say "be thankful you have a healthy baby!"

Of COURSE I'm thankful I have a healthy baby! I suffered infertility and multiple miscarriages before finally having Luci. I'm so happy she's finally here.

BUT that doesn't mean I can't be upset about the way things happened and knowing I'll likely never be able to have a birthing experience. It's a separate issue. I'll always feel like I have a hole in my experience as a mother.

 

[Charmed86]

Lavender, I'm so sorry you had such a bad experience too It seems a lot of women that I know are having bad births & it's just awful. If you ever need to chat, I'm only ever a PM away xx I keep attempting a parenting journal, but the more time goes by, the more there is to write & I just can't find the time.

GP I want to give you a massive hug!! I feel the same way about wanting a second child just so things can go right. I originally said no more after how things went with Oliver, but now I do feel differently. I want that second go around so I can do things the way I wanted. Have you considered counselling? A friend of mine had an emergency csec & her experience was similar to yours.. Her boy was taken to nicu because he was so big & had blood sugar problems & she was out of it from meds. It was a long time before she saw him & even then, she was so out of it.

The part about having s healthy baby especially bothers me. Women just don't seem to talk much about their birthing experiences & we're just expected to be ok with how it went because the baby is ok. I am forever thankful Oliver is safe & well! Especially, like you, I'd had miscarriages & fertility problems.. But that doesn't stop me from feeling completely violated. And it doesn't fix the problems I had PP either. I'm just thankful it was all on me & not Oliver. Watching him go through the jaundice was torture enough.

As for the milk, I hear you! I still feel incredibly guilty that I couldn't BF Oliver. Whether that was down to the trauma of the birth, the anaemia or infection, or hormonal imbalance from pcos. The reason doesn't matter. I desperately wanted to BF him & I hate that I can't. Almost 7 wks PP & I still can't shift that guilt and desire I even tried to dry nurse while I had some drops & Oliver took to it. But as soon as they dried up, he lost interest.

 

[tallybee]

Ladies please please don't beat yourselves up over breastfeeding not happening, it's hard enough at the best of times never mind after a traumatic birth. Our babies will do great on whatever kind of milk we feed them

I'm sort of managing to deal with this but it's still hard. I wish I could rewind things and know what I know now when going into labour.