Anyone remember me? - Update.

[Louisandemma]

Hi Everybody, I'm not sure if anyone remembers me from last year? Up until now I've been using a 'Separated Dads' forum, but I feel like I could use some advice from Mummy's on this tender situation.

I posted last year stating that I had a young daughter, my ex wouldn't allow me to see her. however things had gotten less difficult and my ex was talking to me.

well; to update. up until now I've been seeing my little girl once a fortnight (not enough) for a couple of hours. my ex completely refuses to move things forwards or allow me more contact. she wont let my partner meet my daughter (we've been together since daughter was tiny). my LG is now 18 months.

ive not long asked my ex if I could start seeing my LG weekly and shes gone mad, telling me im selfish and I don't have my daughters interests at heart, that she barely knows me.

i dont know what to do we went to court last year, but only for one hearing. before the hearing we agreed i would see my LG for 2 hours a foghtnight (initially), so the judge felt we were able to leave court and work things out on our own. however nothings changed in a year... help?

 

[moomin_troll]

She's totally unreasonable and sounds very bitter, especially about you having moved on.
Seeing your daughter once every two weeks certainly isn't enough, and seen as she won't cooperate and she doesn't have ur lg best interests, you need to be talking to a solicitor again for a better access agreement.

 

[Louisandemma]

She's totally unreasonable and sounds very bitter, especially about you having moved on.
Seeing your daughter once every two weeks certainly isn't enough, and seen as she won't cooperate and she doesn't have ur lg best interests, you need to be talking to a solicitor again for a better access agreement.

thank you, it's nice hearing that a mother agrees with me. I feel like I should be having my daughter for full days now, once a week instead of a couple of hours once a fortnight. she does let me take my daughter to the park etc on my own, so it is unsupervised. but she's told me I'm not to take anyone with me or take my daughter home (which I couldn't anyway as I don't really have time in a couple of hours). my exs excuse up until Christmas was that my daughter was breastfed and couldn't be away from her for more than a couple of hours, but I noticed bottles at her home and she admitted lately she's now on cows milk and has been since xmas as well as solids of course.

I feel like I should go to court to get full days, and in a year or so ask for weekends... but im worried that if I file for court again she'll stop contact like last time. I don't want to go months without seeing my daughter. I cant really afford a solicitor either so I would have to represent myself. does anyone have any idea of the timescale for court and the procedure? the solicitor filed papers etc for me last time.

 

[Louisandemma]

I should also mention that my current partner is pregnant, which I've not told my ex yet. I know she'll kick off and go mad. I do want my little girl to meet my girlfriend and understand that she's going to have a little brother, will the court system care that ive got another baby on the way?

 

[KayBea]

ide get in contact with a solicitor.. how are you supposed to get to know your daughter/daughter get to know you if you only see her for 2hrs every 2 weeks. i dont see why your ex wont allow you to see her more?

but yes deffo get a solicitor involved & dont mention the new baby to her yet. xx

 

[Louisandemma]

I spoke to a solicitor a couple of weeks ago for a free 30 minute session and he advised me to fill in an application myself and take it to the court house, then to represent myself. he said it was out of order, but im afraid of representing myself. im also scared that if she receives court papers she'll stop me seeing her i didn't think to ask the solicitor about timescales. im going to try to get in to see citizens advice next week, but they always seem to have a long waiting list in my area.

thanks for the advice and im glad you agree. i think shes just a very protective mum and shes very scared of me and my girlfriend letting my daughter into our family. i don't think she wants us to bond to be honest, she constantly tells everyone that our daughter is all down to her parenting (which she probably is, but im trying!)

 

[moomin_troll]

Anyone with sense would see she is out of order, if it was a case ur a danger then she wouldn't let you near the child. But is clearly using her as a weapon :/
Take it to court, I wouldn't be worried, collect as much evidence as u can and just tell the truth

 

[Mummy1995]

I remember you! Glad you're getting to see her. But I agree with other ladies, once a fortnight is not enough or fair on you or her. And in some ways I see it as even more important that you get more contact now that she's going to have a sibling so they can have a good relationship as well as you two.

Good luck x

 

[teal]

Definitely not enough. I agree you should go back to court. You and your daughter deserve to have a relationship and your daughter will benefit from having a relationship with her little brother. Good luck

 

[daneuse27]

I think you need to tell your ex that the amount of time you're getting isn't enough, and you want this to gradually increase (emphasis on the gradual) so that she can't argue that your daughter doesn't know you well enough. She'll get to know you if you see her a little more often over time, until you're getting fair amount of visits.

Secondly, I could be wrong, but I think you need to tell your ex that you're pregnant. I just fear that if you don't, she'll use the dishonesty against you in court - wouldn't want that. She's going to find out eventually anyway, so why wait.

I used to follow your threads before and felt sympathy for your ex, because I know how hard it would be for your FOB to choose not to be with you when you're stuck carrying his child. However - a fair amount of time has passed, and she should have improved by now. That fact that she still has this attitude makes me wonder if she really knows whats best for Emma, and herself too.

Wish you the best of luck I hope you get to spend much more time with your daughter.

 

[lovejoy]

O.k I agree, you should get a full weekend every other weekend.

However, I'm going to play devils advocate your ex is probably hurt and bitter. I know people will say she needs to get over it, it's about the child etc,but it's not so easy to watch your ex move on so quickly, regardless of how it ended , it still sucks. Your daughter is 18 months old, I'm guessing she was pregnant and single as you said you've been with your current girlfriend since baby was younger.Ex might be depressed, who knows.

She may want you to have a relationship with your daughter but doesn't want to feel replaced by your new girlfriend and now new family. It's not going to be nice for her to think about you and your daughter with your new family, whilst she's at home alone.
Your ex is taking all the credit because it's tough being 24/7 mummy and daddy, and it's all she has right now. It probably would have been different if your daughter were older, but it's soo horrible when the child is soo young.People might say her emotions are no longer your concern, but they are because unfortunately you have a child together, who's well- being will be effected. I just saying all this so you can bare it mind when you deal with the ex. I'm glad life is treating you kind,and congrats on the new baby.

Just imagine for a moment the shoes was on the other foot.

 

[daneuse27]

O.k I agree, you should get a full weekend every other weekend.

However, I'm going to play devils advocate your ex is probably hurt and bitter. I know people will say she needs to get over it, it's about the child etc,but it's not so easy to watch your ex move on so quickly, regardless of how it ended , it still sucks. Your daughter is 18 months old, I'm guessing she was pregnant and single as you said you've been with your current girlfriend since baby was younger.Ex might be depressed, who knows.

She may want you to have a relationship with your daughter but doesn't want to feel replaced by your new girlfriend and now new family. It's not going to be nice for her to think about you and your daughter with your new family, whilst she's at home alone.
Your ex is taking all the credit because it's thought being 24/7 mummy and daddy, and it's all she has right now. It probably would have been different if your daughter was older, but it's soo horrible when the child is soo young.People might say her emotions are no longer your concern, but they are because unfortunately you have a child together, who's well- being will be effected. I just saying all this so you can bare it mind when you deal with the ex. I'm glad life is treating you kind and congrats on the new baby.

Just imagine for a moment the shoes was on the other foot.

Agree completely. I always felt bad for the ex in this case..

I take what I said back.

 

[Louisandemma]

Thanks for the different opinions ladies.

i dont want anyone to think that i dont feel for my ex, i do. ive done my best for 18 months to try to make her feel better, i know she was still in love with me when me and sophie got together. i tried my best, ive played nice for 18 months. but at some point, i feel that it cant be about my ex. ive done my best for a year and a half to take a back seat, to let her feel in control because i know she was hurting. but its come at the expense of my LG.

i should add, shes been seeing someone for 8 weeks and has already introduced him to my LG (from what mutual friends have said, i havent confronted her because i dont think its worth the fight). though i do think she still has feelings for me, even if shes in a relationship.


i tried to talk to her today, i sent her an email so that it was all written down in case this does go further. i told her i respected her opinion but that mine was that me and our daughter needed to spend more time together. i said now that shes getting bigger and more independent from her, i wanted to build up to having her for full days, and in about a year, for weekends.

the reply i got back was a very firm no, shes not ready and that im a pig for threatening her with court. (i said something like 'i really dont want to get the courts involved, id rather sort this out between us') she said this is all because i want to play happy famlies with my girlfriend and shes not going to let us use my daughter. completely wrong.

 

[BigLegEmma]

ide get in contact with a solicitor.. how are you supposed to get to know your daughter/daughter get to know you if you only see her for 2hrs every 2 weeks. i dont see why your ex wont allow you to see her more?

but yes deffo get a solicitor involved & dont mention the new baby to her yet. xx

I agree; don't mention the pregnancy. It's lovely you want a relationship with your daughter and your ex is being selfish and using her as a weapon to get at you. Best wishes and I hope you get to see much more of your daughter soon.

 

[moomin_troll]

We've all been hurt, even if this was a bad break up she's a bunny boiler and it's disgusting that this far down the line she's still so bitter. I hope for your daughters sake that she doesn't drag her into this further as she gets older.
You need to take this further, unless u want ur daughter to be constantly used as her little weapon to hurt u over and over again

 

[daneuse27]

I do agree that the ex is at fault here for not allowing him to see her at all. But I feel her pain too.

Its a very sad situation all around. Even though what she's doing is wrong, I can't help but sympathize for her. I don't think any of us would be fun to deal with if a FOB we had feelings for impregnated us, but then told us right after that he wanted to be with somebody else. Imagine going through the whole pregnancy and birth experience while your FOB is with someone else. I'd be devastated if that happened to me, so who am I to judge this woman?

Ideally, Louis, when she told you of her pregnancy I think it would have probably been best if you'd put things on your life on hold (including Sophie, and rather post-poned your relationship plans with her) and focused solely on establishing something with your ex that was going to work. The future happiness of your child should have come first; not your or her happiness.This doesn't mean be in a loveless relationship, but work out something that you both would have agreed to before starting a new life.

Of course that's too late now, and Sophie sounds like a great woman from what I've read previously so I'm not knocking her at all. I think though that its possible that your ex will never accept Sophie Even if she falls in love again and marries someone else, its possible that there will always be some resentment there (hopefully not though.) The road ahead won't be easy either way. She's not going to want Sophie playing 'happy families' with her little girl every other weekend and she's probably going to do everything in her power to stop that from happening.

The first step is giving you unsupervised visiting rights for longer hours, but Sophie is a whole other step. I definitely recommend one step at a time!

Its a very tricky situation because I think Emma would be happiest if all of you could get along somehow; any resentment or hatred will be picked up on by her and its just not a healthy dynamic for her to be raised in But on the other hand, if your ex is never willing to take steps towards improvement then you have no choice left but legal action.

Have you tried asking your ex what she wants exactly? I know that at one point, she met up with Sophie - did no good ever come from that? Maybe you need to say to her that you want to be friends, but the current situation isn't working right now. Is she willing to talk about extending your visiting time? If not, you have no choice but to take this further because you love your daughter and its killing you to not see her. Simple as.

PS. Im not sure about the advice telling you to keep hiding the pregnancy. I just wonder how much longer you can hide it for? If she only finds out once baby is here, she'll be even angrier at you for hiding it.

 

[Mummy1995]

Its a very sad situation all around. Even though what she's doing is wrong, I can't help but sympathize for her. I don't think any of us would be fun to deal with if a FOB we had feelings for impregnated us, but then told us right after that he wanted to be with somebody else. Imagine going through the whole pregnancy and birth experience while your FOB is with someone else. I'd be devastated if that happened to me, so who am I to judge this woman?

This happened to me. And it bloody hurts, a lot. Especially when your fobs darling gf posts all over Facebook about the fact that your child may not be his (complete lie).

Anyways. I basically agree with everything you said in that past comment.

Difficult situation re Sophie being pregnant. I think if she finds out from someone else the whole thing will go tits up. But at the same time it may worry her that you're gonna try and have the perfect little family with the 4 of you. However I think you're gonna have to be mature adults on this and come clean and tell the truth as honesty is a massively important thing to have when you're bringing up a child with someone. And if you won't be honest then I very much doubt she will be either.

It sounds as though she's still very upset by it all, I couldn't imagine being separated from my baby I think it needs to be done slowly and I don't think I'd involve any long term plans. Just ask that you could maybe move the contact you have now to every week and go from there. I think if you start talking about weekends and overnights she'll freak (as would I) hence the defensive and negative reply.

Obviously if she's totally unreasonable and won't let you have any extra contact at all then you'll have to take things further. X

 

[moomin_troll]

I think she's already shown how unreasonable she plans on being and my guess, it will get worse. Especially when she finds out you are expecting another child.
I would start legal action straight away, well maybe one more email saying u want weekly access ect.

 

[daneuse27]

Its a very sad situation all around. Even though what she's doing is wrong, I can't help but sympathize for her. I don't think any of us would be fun to deal with if a FOB we had feelings for impregnated us, but then told us right after that he wanted to be with somebody else. Imagine going through the whole pregnancy and birth experience while your FOB is with someone else. I'd be devastated if that happened to me, so who am I to judge this woman?

This happened to me. And it bloody hurts, a lot. Especially when your fobs darling gf posts all over Facebook about the fact that your child may not be his (complete lie).

Anyways. I basically agree with everything you said in that past comment.

Difficult situation re Sophie being pregnant. I think if she finds out from someone else the whole thing will go tits up. But at the same time it may worry her that you're gonna try and have the perfect little family with the 4 of you. However I think you're gonna have to be mature adults on this and come clean and tell the truth as honesty is a massively important thing to have when you're bringing up a child with someone. And if you won't be honest then I very much doubt she will be either.

It sounds as though she's still very upset by it all, I couldn't imagine being separated from my baby I think it needs to be done slowly and I don't think I'd involve any long term plans. Just ask that you could maybe move the contact you have now to every week and go from there. I think if you start talking about weekends and overnights she'll freak (as would I) hence the defensive and negative reply.

Obviously if she's totally unreasonable and won't let you have any extra contact at all then you'll have to take things further. X

Mummy1995 hit the nail on the head there. I agree with everything above.

 

[lovejoy]

Ouch, when you contacted her via email you shouldn't have mention court, just explain you would like more time with baby girl. Maybe increase to 4 hours,then 6, then 8 and so on. Baby is only 18 months old and she maybe worried about how you'd cope alone. My ex use to freak out at the thought of having little one alone, but not all men are like that I know. When you talk about baby,please no fighting talk or it will just get her all defensive. Maybe push for mediation, so you can come up with a plan together. And please have a heart and tell her about the baby


She maybe in a relationship now,but at 8 weeks in, it's only early days and maybe over soon,who knows. It would be great if everyone gets a happy ending, but as she is the one holding the baby,the odds are against her, well at least until the baby is older. Did you ever apologize you her?

Pretend you and ex were engaged, it's the day of your wedding, your family and friends are all there, you're all suited and booted and the woman you love doesn't show up. Everyone was is saying "oh that poor man", looking at you with pity. Then 8 months later you're picking up your life and you hear your ex who loved you soo much is now engaged to someone else and she invites you to her wedding, so you can watch the wedding you should have happen. This is basically like that, but 100 times worse.

I've been this girl, hurts my heart to think of another person and child going through this. I wouldn't stop contact but just makes me feel sad