Anyone remember me? - Update.

[Louisandemma]

Ouch, when you contacted her via email you shouldn't have mention court, just explain you would like more time with baby girl. Maybe increase to 4 hours,then 6, then 8 and so on. Baby is only 18 months old and she maybe worried about how you'd cope alone. My ex use to freak out at the thought of having little one alone, but not all men are like that I know. When you talk about baby,please no fighting talk or it will just get her all defensive. Maybe push for mediation, so you can come up with a plan together. And please have a heart and tell her about the baby


She maybe in a relationship now,but at 8 weeks in, it's only early days and maybe over soon,who knows. It would be great if everyone gets a happy ending, but as she is the one holding the baby,the odds are against her, well at least until the baby is older. Did you ever apologize you her?

Pretend you and ex were engaged, it's the day of your wedding, your family and friends are all there, you're all suited and booted and the woman you love doesn't show up. Everyone was is saying "oh that poor man", looking at you with pity. Then 8 months later you're picking up your life and you hear your ex who loved you soo much is now engaged to someone else and she invites you to her wedding, so you can watch the wedding you should have happen. This is basically like that, but 100 times worse.

I've been this girl, hurts my heart to think of another person and child going through this. I wouldn't stop contact but just makes me feel sad

Thanks for your opinions everybody. I'll just remind people that may not remember me of a few facts in the situation.


and to those that have clearly remembered some of my story, im impressed!

yes my gf and ex met up around this time last year, much to my gfs dismay. ex wanted to meet her before she'd allow her near my LG which we understood. so they went and met at a coffee shop near my ex's, without LG of course. gf came home saying she thought it went well, they didnt talk about me much and just did small talk, chit-chat type stuff. gf said she asked how emma was, whether she was sleeping etc and how ex was coping and ex answered and asked about her job. the next day i got a message off of the ex saying she wasnt ready to be around my gf/that it hadn't gone well, gf was very upset. that was just over a year ago, april or so i think.

i also didnt leave the ex while she was pregnant. we were in an 18 month relationship which broke up for a few months. i started to see my current gf but non exclusively, we both still had feelings for our exs. one drunken night, me and the ex got together, very stupid of me. I told her instantly the next day it was a mistake and she agreed. i then didnt hear from her(besides small talk) until a few weeks until a few weeks after she found out she was pregnant by which time me and my gf were in a more committed relationship.

this was all nearly 2.5 years ago, me and the ex were last in a relationship nearly three years ago. i understand that she had to go through pregnancy alone, but i offered to be there.. i just wouldnt be in a relationship with her. i dont think thats unfair of me.

I also asked her for mediation last year and she said she'd wait for court papers instead. i dont see her position being any different now as ive only asked to increase contact and shes kicked up a massive fuss.

 

[Louisandemma]

Its a very sad situation all around. Even though what she's doing is wrong, I can't help but sympathize for her. I don't think any of us would be fun to deal with if a FOB we had feelings for impregnated us, but then told us right after that he wanted to be with somebody else. Imagine going through the whole pregnancy and birth experience while your FOB is with someone else. I'd be devastated if that happened to me, so who am I to judge this woman?

This happened to me. And it bloody hurts, a lot. Especially when your fobs darling gf posts all over Facebook about the fact that your child may not be his (complete lie).

Anyways. I basically agree with everything you said in that past comment.

Difficult situation re Sophie being pregnant. I think if she finds out from someone else the whole thing will go tits up. But at the same time it may worry her that you're gonna try and have the perfect little family with the 4 of you. However I think you're gonna have to be mature adults on this and come clean and tell the truth as honesty is a massively important thing to have when you're bringing up a child with someone. And if you won't be honest then I very much doubt she will be either.

It sounds as though she's still very upset by it all, I couldn't imagine being separated from my baby I think it needs to be done slowly and I don't think I'd involve any long term plans. Just ask that you could maybe move the contact you have now to every week and go from there. I think if you start talking about weekends and overnights she'll freak (as would I) hence the defensive and negative reply.

Obviously if she's totally unreasonable and won't let you have any extra contact at all then you'll have to take things further. X

Im really sorry that that happened to you are things better now between you and fob?

it does sound like shes very upset by it all but i dont know how much more i can do i feel awful every time i get there because the bond her and emma have is so obvious. (of course) and the bond emma has with her gran is so much bigger than me and emma. i get it, but i dont think its fair that me and emma cant have that bond because her mum wont allow it. ive offered to go around in the week to give her a break, to sit there so that she can have a nap etc. i take nappies, snacks etc every time i see her to help her out, 4/5 times i even text to see if she needs something from the shop.

ive sent her a message this morning asking whether i can start to see my LG weekly, as a start. ill let you know what she says.. she usually replies pretty instantly, one of the reasons i don't think shes over me. she finds it hard to ignore me, but seems to enjoy getting a rise out of me about my relationship.

i think ill wait to see what she says about contact before mentioning the new baby. i can see it tipping her over the edge, but i understand she needs to know. i don't want her using it as an excuse to say no to more contact though. i just know if i say i'm making an application to the court she wont let me see my LG in the meantime, and i don't know how long the whole process takes. i don't want to be without emma for months.

 

[teal]

I don't think mentioning court in your email was a bad thing. She knows how much you want to see your daughter so she should surely see where this is heading.

I can appreciate she's hurt if she still has feeling for you but that's no excuse for denying her daughter a good relationship with her father.

I was devastated when my ex broke up with me when I refused a termination but it didn't stop me reaching out to try and get him involved. In my case he refused and has never met my son. I did try, not for me, for my son.

 

[Louisandemma]

I don't think mentioning court in your email was a bad thing. She knows how much you want to see your daughter so she should surely see where this is heading.

I can appreciate she's hurt if she still has feeling for you but that's no excuse for denying her daughter a good relationship with her father.

I was devastated when my ex broke up with me when I refused a termination but it didn't stop me reaching out to try and get him involved. In my case he refused and has never met my son. I did try, not for me, for my son.

im really sorry to hear that, sounds like your son is better off without him. well done for being the bigger person and reaching out, your boy will thank you for it.

i have a friend that got his on again off again girlfriend pregnant. he took me to one side to ask me how hes going to cope and even better - used me and how miserable i was about emma to try to guilt the girl to have a termination. its safe to say i've not been friends with him since, i talk to her more than him now. some people just dont deserve to be able to have children.

 

[Mummy1995]

Nope, Isabella's the same age as Emma and he hasn't seen her since she was 5 months old, his family haven't met her and he's refused DNA tests (probably because he knows the answer).

It does hurt being the ex with the child but at the same time I can't imagine your pain being away from Emma as much as you are.

At the end of the day though if you have Emma's best interests at heart with every step you take in this then I think you'll have done your best. I was so upset by what happened, I never wanted to see fob ever again, but he was the first person I told once she was born and I tried for a long time to get him to come and see her. My dad offered to pick him up and bring him to mine an then take him home again once a week and he couldn't even manage that..

I think your ex is probably just very resentful to both you and Sophie, maybe she'd expected or hoped that you could have become a family even if you weren't together. I'm not sure, it is obvious she's hurting though. Is it supervised contact at her house you have? Is she there? I wonder if her not being there would help the healing process for her as she won't have to see you.. For me that was a no no but it may help her.. X

 

[daneuse27]

I agree that she shouldn't be denying your daughter a relationship with you; tbh I think it's mostly Sophie that shell try to keep away for a long time. Maybe it would help if you let her know you have no intention of having Emma be around Sophie just yet; you just want some quality daddy -daughter time once a week with just you and Emma. She shouldn't be saying no to that.

it would just freak me out if my ex was threatening to take my baby away to have overnight with a woman that I didn't like the thought if that makes me ill. I just dont think you should rush to that just yet. It might not be worth it. Focus on getting that one on one time once a week imo.

And I hope you come clean about the baby on the way; lying about it will create more problems between you and only make it more complicated for poor Emma as she grows up. I would be hoping for not only an access agreement, but a civil relationship with ex if possible. Have either of you been to counseling? I wonder if that would help her sort out her thoughts...

I'm sure you both learned now that the decision to sleep together drunk without protection while dating others wasn't a very wise one. And I do think that you've been as honest about it as you could be. Its unfortunate how sad this whole situation is and I hope you guys all end up in a happier and that everything works out.

 

[Louisandemma]

I agree that she shouldn't be denying your daughter a relationship with you; tbh I think it's mostly Sophie that shell try to keep away for a long time. Maybe it would help if you let her know you have no intention of having Emma be around Sophie just yet; you just want some quality daddy -daughter time once a week with just you and Emma. She shouldn't be saying no to that.

it would just freak me out if my ex was threatening to take my baby away to have overnight with a woman that I didn't like the thought if that makes me ill. I just dont think you should rush to that just yet. It might not be worth it. Focus on getting that one on one time once a week imo.

And I hope you come clean about the baby on the way; lying about it will create more problems between you and only make it more complicated for poor Emma as she grows up. I would be hoping for not only an access agreement, but a civil relationship with ex if possible. Have either of you been to counseling? I wonder if that would help her sort out her thoughts...

I'm sure you both learned now that the decision to sleep together drunk without protection while dating others wasn't a very wise one. And I do think that you've been as honest about it as you could be. Its unfortunate how sad this whole situation is and I hope you guys all end up in a happier and that everything works out.

thank you, i really appreciate your advice. yes i know it was a very stupid thing to do. id like to think ive matured a lot since then, it was a very confusing time for me having feelings for two people and ending a long relationship.

i received a reply back from my ex.. pretty much saying 'im not saying no, but im saying not now' to weekly contact. shes not willing to build up time at all, her reason being that she needs weekends with emma too. she doesnt work, she has 7 days a week with her.. i just dont think shes being fair.

ive done a lot of research online, im just trying to work out what my next steps are. when me and kate talked about overnights, i did mention i wanted a year or so of full days in the week first, so i wasnt expecting anything immediate. ive always said when shes about 2.5 and a lot more independent.

ive also just found out that emmas in daycare one day a week.. surely i could have this time with her, instead of her mum paying for childcare? im just feeling very upset and angry at the moment. should i be giving my name in to the nursery as an emergency contact, or should i just leave that?

 

[daneuse27]

I agree that she shouldn't be denying your daughter a relationship with you; tbh I think it's mostly Sophie that shell try to keep away for a long time. Maybe it would help if you let her know you have no intention of having Emma be around Sophie just yet; you just want some quality daddy -daughter time once a week with just you and Emma. She shouldn't be saying no to that.

it would just freak me out if my ex was threatening to take my baby away to have overnight with a woman that I didn't like the thought if that makes me ill. I just dont think you should rush to that just yet. It might not be worth it. Focus on getting that one on one time once a week imo.

And I hope you come clean about the baby on the way; lying about it will create more problems between you and only make it more complicated for poor Emma as she grows up. I would be hoping for not only an access agreement, but a civil relationship with ex if possible. Have either of you been to counseling? I wonder if that would help her sort out her thoughts...

I'm sure you both learned now that the decision to sleep together drunk without protection while dating others wasn't a very wise one. And I do think that you've been as honest about it as you could be. Its unfortunate how sad this whole situation is and I hope you guys all end up in a happier and that everything works out.

thank you, i really appreciate your advice. yes i know it was a very stupid thing to do. id like to think ive matured a lot since then, it was a very confusing time for me having feelings for two people and ending a long relationship.

i received a reply back from my ex.. pretty much saying 'im not saying no, but im saying not now' to weekly contact. shes not willing to build up time at all, her reason being that she needs weekends with emma too. she doesnt work, she has 7 days a week with her.. i just dont think shes being fair.

ive done a lot of research online, im just trying to work out what my next steps are. when me and kate talked about overnights, i did mention i wanted a year or so of full days in the week first, so i wasnt expecting anything immediate. ive always said when shes about 2.5 and a lot more independent.

ive also just found out that emmas in daycare one day a week.. surely i could have this time with her, instead of her mum paying for childcare? im just feeling very upset and angry at the moment. should i be giving my name in to the nursery as an emergency contact, or should i just leave that?

Yeah, that isn't fair at all. As much as I sympathize for the rough time your ex has gone through, you clearly love your child to bits and both you and Emma deserve to have time together to get to know each other.
Definitely be more firm and say "Look, Im not trying to take her away from you - but she's my daughter and I need to get to know her. I want ____ (insert amount of time you want per week) with her, starting next week. If you can't allow me that, then I have no choice but to take this further to settle legally. I'm not letting months turn into years without knowing my only daughter. That isn't fair to me or her. She has a loving, devoted father and she deserves to have me in her life, regardless of what has happened between us."

I hope your ex can take a baby step by allowing you the time you want alone with Emma (without Sophie there, or even her there.) Just the two of you to have that quality time. Maybe make it clear thats all you want for now... and I really hope she agrees without you having to go the court route.

PS. Regarding nursery - are you on the birth certificate? If so, I think you could contact them to be an emergency contact.

Also, is that Emma in your profile photo? She is so cute

 

[Louisandemma]

I agree that she shouldn't be denying your daughter a relationship with you; tbh I think it's mostly Sophie that shell try to keep away for a long time. Maybe it would help if you let her know you have no intention of having Emma be around Sophie just yet; you just want some quality daddy -daughter time once a week with just you and Emma. She shouldn't be saying no to that.

it would just freak me out if my ex was threatening to take my baby away to have overnight with a woman that I didn't like the thought if that makes me ill. I just dont think you should rush to that just yet. It might not be worth it. Focus on getting that one on one time once a week imo.

And I hope you come clean about the baby on the way; lying about it will create more problems between you and only make it more complicated for poor Emma as she grows up. I would be hoping for not only an access agreement, but a civil relationship with ex if possible. Have either of you been to counseling? I wonder if that would help her sort out her thoughts...

I'm sure you both learned now that the decision to sleep together drunk without protection while dating others wasn't a very wise one. And I do think that you've been as honest about it as you could be. Its unfortunate how sad this whole situation is and I hope you guys all end up in a happier and that everything works out.

thank you, i really appreciate your advice. yes i know it was a very stupid thing to do. id like to think ive matured a lot since then, it was a very confusing time for me having feelings for two people and ending a long relationship.

i received a reply back from my ex.. pretty much saying 'im not saying no, but im saying not now' to weekly contact. shes not willing to build up time at all, her reason being that she needs weekends with emma too. she doesnt work, she has 7 days a week with her.. i just dont think shes being fair.

ive done a lot of research online, im just trying to work out what my next steps are. when me and kate talked about overnights, i did mention i wanted a year or so of full days in the week first, so i wasnt expecting anything immediate. ive always said when shes about 2.5 and a lot more independent.

ive also just found out that emmas in daycare one day a week.. surely i could have this time with her, instead of her mum paying for childcare? im just feeling very upset and angry at the moment. should i be giving my name in to the nursery as an emergency contact, or should i just leave that?

Yeah, that isn't fair at all. As much as I sympathize for the rough time your ex has gone through, you clearly love your child to bits and both you and Emma deserve to have time together to get to know each other.
Definitely be more firm and say "Look, Im not trying to take her away from you - but she's my daughter and I need to get to know her. I want ____ (insert amount of time you want per week) with her, starting next week. If you can't allow me that, then I have no choice but to take this further to settle legally. I'm not letting months turn into years without knowing my only daughter. That isn't fair to me or her. She has a loving, devoted father and she deserves to have me in her life, regardless of what has happened between us."

I hope your ex can take a baby step by allowing you the time you want alone with Emma (without Sophie there, or even her there.) Just the two of you to have that quality time. Maybe make it clear thats all you want for now... and I really hope she agrees without you having to go the court route.

PS. Regarding nursery - are you on the birth certificate? If so, I think you could contact them to be an emergency contact.

Also, is that Emma in your profile photo? She is so cute

I've used your advice, i sent this

"Look, I'm not trying to take her away from you - but she's my daughter and I need to get to know her. I want to build up to a full day each week with her, starting next week. If you can't allow me that, then I have no choice but to take this further to settle legally. I'm not letting months turn into years without knowing my only daughter. That isn't fair to me or her. She has a loving, devoted father and she deserves to have me in her life, regardless of what has happened between us. I suggest 3 hours next week, four the week after.. and so on, until we're at 8 hours for a while"

yes i'm on her birth certificate now i have full PR (though that was a fight and a half)

and yes that's Emma she's adorable. ex is very funny about me taking photos. i dont know where her blonde comes from, both me and her mum half dark hair.. well, kates mousey naturally. lol.

 

[daneuse27]

I hope that Kate responds well to the email, I think its very reasonable and as a mother myself I could never say no to that. Emma's happiness is the # 1 priority here, and I know I'd resent my mom if she had denied me a father who loved and wanted to get to know me. Lets hope Kate sees all that.

Emma is so precious, I love that light blonde hair.

 

[Louisandemma]

thank you. she's gotten very defensive, called me a deadbeat... told me i'm just being selfish and pushing things because i want to, rather than considering emmas feelings i've got a 30 minute appointment with a local family solicitor at 2pm. this really isn't what i want to do but I don't see a way around it.

emmas hairs beautiful bless her, ill upload a front facing one later

 

[daneuse27]

thank you. she's gotten very defensive, called me a deadbeat... told me i'm just being selfish and pushing things because i want to, rather than considering emmas feelings i've got a 30 minute appointment with a local family solicitor at 2pm. this really isn't what i want to do but I don't see a way around it.

emmas hairs beautiful bless her, ill upload a front facing one later

Sorry to hear she didn't respond well to the email I thought it was unaggressive and honest. I guess you have no choice but to go elsewhere then. How did the appointment go?

I don't know much about the UK system since Im not from there, but I've heard that the court usually grants custody rights to the father if he wants to be in the child's life and there's no reason to believe he's dangerous. You may end up getting every 2nd weekend. Kate would be so much better off (emotionally) making private agreements with you than going to court. Really too bad she doesn't see that.

Yes Emma pic please!

 

[Louisandemma]

it went okay thank you. she was very pro going to court. she said that she wouldn't usually advise court and would suggest alternatives first but said i've explored all of the alternatives already. so shes given me the forms to fill in (to save money) and told me what i've got to do. i'm going to try to get over to kates today to talk to her face to face one final time before filing.

solicitor said i have to fill in the form, along with a fee remission form and attach some other papers to it. i then need to hand deliver it to the court house to get the ball rolling. she said it will probably take 6 weeks for a hearing, which isnt too bad. she also said im likely at the moment to get a full day a week, for 6-9 months, which im happy with. she said when emmas 2-2.5 and ive been having her on my own properly a year, to ask for overnights. she also suggested getting a prohibited steps order (i think?) because i know kates been offered to move to spain with her sister twice this year.

ive just got to wait a couple of days as the court application costs £215 initially, i'll get it back through fee remission but i need to get hold of the money.

here's my little girl

 

[moomin_troll]

Definitely have to get things in order to stop her moving to Spain! So selfish of her.
From all I've heard about her, I can't see a face to face doing much, but do what u feel is right

 

[BigLegEmma]

She's a sweetie. I hope someone can loan you the money asap.

 

[daneuse27]

Such a cute kid!! Love her little smile.

What the solicitor laid out sounds like a pretty fair and reasonable plan to me. This way she'll definitely get to know you before spending overnights. Kate, while she may seem stubborn now, will probably end up enjoying having an evening to herself once a week. It will all turn out well, I hope.

I also think the one last face to face is a good idea; you're being very fair this way. How did she react?

 

[pandacub]

Ive just read through this thread and firstly let me say you're absolutely doing the right thing by your daughter. I understand your ex may be feeling bitter, especially if you are happy with someone, but tough. My ex is with another woman who he started seeing 2 weeks after we broke up (from a 3 1/2 year relationship) so I know its hard, and it hurts like hell but its never an excuse to stop a loving father from building a bond with his child.

I truly hope everything works out for you and your LG, and your ex finds happiness. I will be popping back on to find out how you got on

 

[Natsku]

Just read this thread, your ex must still be feeling resentful to limit visitation so much but that's not fair on you or Emma, I hope you get the weekly visits soon.