are mum nd dads equal...?

[gemabee]

i know when it comes to parenting its the mother that tends to take the prime role... but when it comes to parents that have split up... what are people's opinions on parents visitation rights?
ie. should it be up to the mum when the father is allowed contact with his child?
i find a lot of single mums (on here nd in real life) feel that it is solely up to them how often nd when the father sees the child(ren) nd again at what age they are allowed their children on their own nd over-night.
this kind of upsets me, even tho i am a single mum, my baby's dad knows that he is welcome to see his child whenever he wants... when baby is older (not cluster feedin) he can have him on his own, nd i am willing to express so that he can have baby overnight. my son may be more comfortable with me... but thats because he needs the opportunity to build up a bond with his father, which is made more difficult as we do not live together.
i believe all fathers are equal parents nd have jus as much right to their children as the mothers... albeit the child is more likely to live with the mother.
opinions??

btw - this is excludin extentuatin circumstances (ie. the father is violent / alcoholic / etc).

 

[smokey]

I think alot of it depends on why the parents are not together, manytimes there is a good reason why the father does not live at home with the child.
So for this reason there may be a very good reason why the mother does not want the father to have as much rights or access to the child ie... he drinks, is unreliable, agressive and if these are the reasons then I think the mother should be well within her rights to limit visitation to what she sees as reasonable.

I have always said to my husband if we ever where to split up then I would never restrict his access to Brian at all as I know it would never be for any of the above mebtioned reasons and I am 100% happy that Brian is as safe and cared for with his father as he would be with me.

 

[gemabee]

I think alot of it depends on why the parents are not together, manytimes there is a good reason why the father does not live at home with the child.
So for this reason there may be a very good reason why the mother does not want the father to have as much rights or access to the child ie... he drinks, is unreliable, agressive and if these are the reasons then I think the mother should be well within her rights to limit visitation to what she sees as reasonable.

I have always said to my husband if we ever where to split up then I would never restrict his access to Brian at all as I know it would never be for any of the above mebtioned reasons and I am 100% happy that Brian is as safe and cared for with his father as he would be with me.

i did say not includin extenuatin circumstances such as drinkin.
xx

 

[smokey]

But they are just the obvious most common reasons there are possibly thousands of reasons as to why a mother may not want unlimited access to their child by the father and sadly an amicable seperation of the parents or well meaning feelings between them if they where never a long term couple beforhand is a rarety compared to reasons as stated or even just purely revenge or hatred.

 

[gemabee]

but why should it matter how amicable the parents are... it doesn't change the fathers ability to be a father? the mother shouldn't stop a father from havin access to his child because she's bitter.
for the record... i hate my ex... he cheated on me repeatedly nd treated me like shit - but that doesn't make him a bad father.
my mum nd dad divorced nd they hated each other with a passion (nd still do!)... my mum never denied me a relationship with my dad... or used me as a controllin tool... when my dad wanted to see me or take me somewhere - my mum let him (unless there were extenuatin circumstances).

 

[SKATERBUN]

Just an observation as I've not had the experience myself, but some men are probably better at being a dad than they are at being a husband/boyfriend

 

[annawrigley]

Not sure i can give an impartial view as in my situation there are extenuating circumstances so I wouldn't trust FOB to have Noah on his own. Thankfully we get on and he is happy to spend time with Noah when I'm there. Until he went to uni he saw him every day.. However when we split up (November last year) we didnt speak for 3 months and I was worried at how it would turn out. He had a new gf (broke up just before Noah was born) and on the rare occasions we did speak he made out like he wanted to have Noah just him and her, without me in the equation. That wasnt something i was happy with at all and made it clear he could see him with me, but not with her. Part of that i'll admit was jealousy, him and her got together 4 hours after he dumped me (!!) But also I know how he is with girls, I knew it wouldnt last (and it didnt ) so I didnt see the point in her being involved in Noah's life only to disappear again a few months later. It would be the same if i got a new bf, I wouldnt want to introduce Noah to him (especially now Noah is older and more aware) until I was confident it would last. But i suppose it would be a bit different since Noah lives with me he would probably end up seeing him at some point.. But i would never let Noah call a new partner 'dad'. Thats something i am very very very against. I see it on here (sorry ) and it makes me really angry. Its not up to the mother to choose who her childs father is, when they have a biological father. There are some circumstances i think its ok in, like if the biological dad has never been around or had any interest, mum meets someone new from the word go and he acts as a dad to the kid. Thats fine. I just hate it when the bio dad is around and sees the kid (however often), the mum gets a new partner and the kid starts calling the new one (and sometimes the real one too) dad. Thats not fair. People who say 'my baby has 2 daddys' what no! Your baby only has 1 dad, thats the way nature works! Sure he can have a father figure as well but not a dad!

Sorry something i feel strongly about I see too many mothers (especially teenage ones ) denying the dad access because they have got a new boyfriend, everything hunky dory and the kid starts calling him daddy, uhoh they break up, along comes the next one... so unfair on the kid...

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

I dont know really to be honest. I have always done most the work and childcare with the kids but I know men can do just aswell x

 

[marley2580]

I think that they're not equal, but that they should be.

 

[redpoppy]

I think any baby would ideally have both parents in his or her life as much as possible.

But I do think that if the parents are split then that isn't possible.

I do think if it's a choice between an excellent mother and an excellent father then (and I know I'm biased because I am a woman and because I had an amazing mother myself) I think the mother would win out for me.

We live in a society where gender differences have been changed to a great degree but they are still there and I believe, as someone who has always veered towards having many "male" personality attributes, that these gender differences are not just social but genetic.

Now I don't know why a father (even a great one like my OH is turning out to be) may not quite get it like a mum but I do imagine that it may be because mums spend a lot more time with LO. But I do think I am a lot more nurturing with our LO, that I care about how she must be "feeling" etc. Now I don't know if this is because of the differences of how OH and I were brought up but he seems more happy with seeing if all is okay, nappy checked, food/milk checked, etc. He is AWESOME with her and makes her laugh and I can trust him COMPLETELY with her but I do end up saying things like "If I die you have to make sure you hug her a lot and make her feel secure and happy in herself"

I think those things are really important and on a more mystical spiritual level for me I do think form talking to people and discussing differences that women are more masters of the internal and men of the external. Not to say there is no overlap or complete opposite examples but just that if there was a female vibe and a male vibe they would be different.

So I think age can have a lot to do with it. I think the younger the child the more it needs it's mother (if she's a good mother) but as they get older perhaps both parents do genuinely become more equal?

Having said that I do think it's downright cruel not only to their FOBs but to their babies how some women try and cut FOB out of their baby's life. There are many MANY women who use excuses and false examples etc. and turn their children against their fathers when the father has done something bad to the mother but may well turn out to be a great or at least half decent dad.

IMO babies should have as many relatives and friends who love them around them. Even if those people aren't great to the mother.

 

[kiwimama]

My OH does just as much child rearing as me, so if we ever were to seperate, I think I'd give him as much time with her as I have.

 

[hopeandpray]

I think that they should be equals (but in most cases men are okay with taking the backseat as they don't usually expect to be the primary caregivers)but I do think that how an FOB treats his childs mother is an important factor because causing a mother to be unhappy is going to effect the baby too

 

[Blue_bumpkin]

i know when it comes to parenting its the mother that tends to take the prime role... but when it comes to parents that have split up... what are people's opinions on parents visitation rights?
ie. should it be up to the mum when the father is allowed contact with his child?
i find a lot of single mums (on here nd in real life) feel that it is solely up to them how often nd when the father sees the child(ren) nd again at what age they are allowed their children on their own nd over-night.
this kind of upsets me, even tho i am a single mum, my baby's dad knows that he is welcome to see his child whenever he wants... when baby is older (not cluster feedin) he can have him on his own, nd i am willing to express so that he can have baby overnight. my son may be more comfortable with me... but thats because he needs the opportunity to build up a bond with his father, which is made more difficult as we do not live together.
i believe all fathers are equal parents nd have jus as much right to their children as the mothers... albeit the child is more likely to live with the mother.
opinions??

btw - this is excludin extentuatin circumstances (ie. the father is violent / alcoholic / etc).

I have recently split from my LO's father and I do feel it is best that I decide his access arrangements for the time being. My anxiety and PND issues aside I feel I know Adam best and as such know what is best for him. Thats not to say my ex isnt a good dad but Adam would scream blue murder if left with him on his own or if he had to go to his house so I insist contact be at my house (for other reasons too) and although they are left to it on their own for a few hours, I check he is ok regularly.

In time I will allow him more time and then gradually time away when both me and Adam are ready but I see nothing wrong with how im dealing with things.

Every circumstance is different. I will also say, and many will disagree, but there are people who stay together for the sake of their children, extenuating circumstances aside, maintaining a family unit for my son was paramount to me. I would have chosen to work on our problems before calling it a day but my ex wanted out. Admitted it was selfish, and that the responsibility had been a bit too much, he even admitted there was things we could work on but he just didnt want to. Considering he chose to leave, he will just have to deal with the fact that he will not see Adam as much as me and as his primary carer I will be there for him the majority of the time and as such will know him better and im not just talking about his routines etc...

I want him to have a close relationship with his dad but given he is so young and is always so used to having me in close proximity I feel its in his best interest to arrange his dads visitation so that he is most comfortable.

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

I dont think it should be equal but this is just my experience. I couldnt bare mine away from me at all for any long period of time and its not fair. I would let my OH come over and maybe weekends but not half and half, no way. Being a mum is my full time job. I feel it would benefit them to be with me at least 75% and 25% OH. (if we ever split) Thats just how I feel though and what is best for MY kids xx

 

[strawberry19]

i deffinatly think they should be equal, i never had my dad around and that was because of all the messing around between my parents mum would limit access and then say dad could have me at times that she knew he couldnt and dad was ask to have me for the day and mum would say no .. not for any reason just because he couldnt have me the last time she asked him.. very very very sad and as a result i ended up resenting and hating my dad... recently started to bond with him again but we shall see... if me and my oh ever split i would let him have all the access he wanted to our LO

 

[Laura2919]

When OH and I seperated for a few months he had the twins on his day off during the week and one day at the weekend. He only ever had them overnight if I asked him to! I wanted it that way. He could come to see the girls when he wanted as long as he gave me enough notice.
We managed to work out our differences and we got back together but for some people its not like that. I dont really judge what anybody chooses to do with their FOB and children because everybody is different
Personally though it was never half and half and even together its not. I have the girls 90% of the time. I get them from nursery, I feed them, bath them, put them to bed. I dont see why I should split my time when we arent together with him when we dont do it together.

 

[marley2580]

Why do people assume that mums and dads being equal would equate to the dad having the child 50% of the time? Surely it should mean that the dad has equal say in what happens with their kids and free access to them at a time that suits all? I know that my OH wouldn't want the kids 50% of the time simply because his work wouldn't allow. But as a result I would give him every weekend if that's what he wanted, he would also be given free access at holidays and birthdays and be able to see them if he asked to. At the same time I would expect him to contribute to their upbringing and upkeep.

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

I agree with the last 2 posts really. One of my friends split with her OH and he has them 50% and so does she. I couldn't cope with that. Not a chance x

 

[Blue_bumpkin]

Why do people assume that mums and dads being equal would equate to the dad having the child 50% of the time? Surely it should mean that the dad has equal say in what happens with their kids and free access to them at a time that suits all? I know that my OH wouldn't want the kids 50% of the time simply because his work wouldn't allow. But as a result I would give him every weekend if that's what he wanted, he would also be given free access at holidays and birthdays and be able to see them if he asked to. At the same time I would expect him to contribute to their upbringing and upkeep.

Its not as simple as that though. Like my ex wants adam on xmas day and his birthday - and im not having that. Its his first xmas and birthday and I refuse to have him away from me for anytime. If he wants to see him he can come to mine.

Its all well saying they should be equal and that free access should be allowed but someone has to have a final say on these things, to some extent. If my ex wants to take adam all weekend and I dont feel thats in adams best interest I will put my foot down. When people split, it is never going to be 50/50. Not really.

 

[Laura2919]

I think its hard for someone to say what they would do unless they have been there. Every situation is different and things and people change.
I have been there and I know there wasnt a chance in hell that OH was getting the twins every weekend or every other weekend or overnight contact unless I needed him to have them.
When we split it was March and we got back together in June. We had already discussed visitation and I said come Christmas and New year if him and his family wanted to see the girls they could come to mine and see them they werent leaving my side and for me that would be the same every year because I just wouldnt be able to hand them over!