are mum nd dads equal...?

[Laura2919]

Why do people assume that mums and dads being equal would equate to the dad having the child 50% of the time? Surely it should mean that the dad has equal say in what happens with their kids and free access to them at a time that suits all? I know that my OH wouldn't want the kids 50% of the time simply because his work wouldn't allow. But as a result I would give him every weekend if that's what he wanted, he would also be given free access at holidays and birthdays and be able to see them if he asked to. At the same time I would expect him to contribute to their upbringing and upkeep.

Its not as simple as that though. Like my ex wants adam on xmas day and his birthday - and im not having that. Its his first xmas and birthday and I refuse to have him away from me for anytime. If he wants to see him he can come to mine.

Its all well saying they should be equal and that free access should be allowed but someone has to have a final say on these things, to some extent. If my ex wants to take adam all weekend and I dont feel thats in adams best interest I will put my foot down. When people split, it is never going to be 50/50. Not really.

I agree. If he wants to see Adam he should come to you!

 

[suzanne108]

It totally depends on the situation imo.

I split up with FOB when I was about 14 weeks pregnant, didn't really hear from him then until I was 38/39 weeks (can't remember exactly!) He saw LO about 4 times in 4 months and then he decided he wanted regular access and overnights! By this time LO was EXTREMELY clingy having spent all of her time with me & me doing everything for her. I told him there was not a chance he was having her overnight because it just wouldn't be fair on her at all However I had no problem with him seeing her more often, I told him he had to come here to see her because she wasn't comfortable with him at all. He decided he would see her every other saturday. He started taking her out on his own a few months later & I guess overnights will start in a few months. As much as I hate the thought of it, I feel she will be more ready by then so I have to let go eventually & let her have a realtionship with him.

I feel I did things the right way & I'm happy I haven't given in to his constant pressure to have her overnight.

However it'd be totally different if we had split up when she was say 2 years old because they would already have a realtionship & she would know who he was.

Someone has to have a final say & who better than the mother?

 

[bloodbinds]

Hahahahahaha.

My ex will have Bella staying at his OVER MY DEAD BODY.

And it's nothing to do with me being bitter at all. I broke up with him, i'm the one thats moved on, he's the one still saying his has feelings for me, so no reasons for me to be bitter really.

He has seen her for a grand total of 5 and half hours in her entire life. And most of that time was spent bitching and moaning about the effort he's made to come and see her (he lives a 3 hour train ride away)

For one thing, he doesn't know her, and she doesn't know him. It would be like handing her over to a stranger for a few hours. He doesn't know her routine, doesn't know the way she likes things, and when she's tired, or scared or upset, she wants me and only me and would scream bloody murder if she woke up to just him there. That's not fair on her.
Also, he lives in a shared house, which he has admitted that a lot of drug taking goes on there. I won't allow my daughter to even approach the outside of his house.

He's made fuck all effort to get to know her or try to see her (excluding the two times he has in 13 months) so why the hell should he get to see her when ever he wanted?

I think if he had made an effort from day one, then i would be a lot more easy about him seeing her all the time and sleeping over at his (provided he lived in a nice place, which he doesnt) but he hasn't. I am the only provider for my daughter and i am the one she depends on and i am the one who decides who she sees, when and for how long. And that's going to be how it is until she turns to me and says 'mum, i want to go and see my dad' then i'll give her his number and wish her the best of luck! Lol.

So, no, we're not equal, and in a lot of cases, we shouldn't be. If a judge turned to me and said he was granted FOB 50/50 access i would punch him in the nose. I haven't spent a year of blood sweat and tears raising this child on my own, just for him to swoop in when ever he damn well feels like it.


Rant over

 

[gemabee]

after reading through all the posts i think each situation needs to be based on its own merit.
a lot of the time the dad doesn't seem to want to be all that involved - which resolves the situation in itself.

however, i still get pissed off when dads who have always been there for their children are made to suffer down to the mums bitterness nd belief that for some reason the child is more the mothers than the fathers.

mums nd dads will never be the same ... but thats not to say that they shouldn''t be equal - as long as both have shown equal love to the child(ren) in question.

 

[AppleBlossom]

I split with FOB when LO was 7 months old. In those 7 months he did nothing to contribute to her upbringing. She would wake up to 8 times a night every single night and he never got up or even offered to get up ever. I weaned her because he said it was "too messy", I bathed her every night, he never once bathed her because he "didn't feel right because she's a girl", I put her to bed every night, using CIO etc because "You're much better at settling her than me"... The list goes on. I cannot actually pinpoint ANY time where he offered to help raise her. I had had enough by the time she was 4 months old and so I told him he had to use one of his days off to get up with her in the morning so I could have a lie in because I was exhausted. Even then he huffed and puffed about it. In my opinion, the fact I have raised my child pretty much single handedly for her entire life with little to no input from him should make more much more than equal to him in terms of being a parent.

If you and your partner share all the responsibilities of raising a child and you do split, then I think it's only fair you carry on sharing that responsibility equally as you had been doing. But I don't see why I should have to do all the hard graft, raising a baby by myself and doing everything for her, for him to get bored, shack up with someone else then start calling the shots? Not a chance. Imo, he will get the exact same as he gave when we were together. In his world, he seems to think that because his name is on the BC (not my decision I assure you) that makes him Dad of the year. Unfortunately, in the real world, he did nothing to contribute to her upbringing. Yet he still expects to share her equally.

He sees her once a week for a whole day and every so often he will have her a few hours her and there or for an extra day if he is off work. I would never in a million years stop her from seeing him. It is absolutely not my right to do that. But, and it might seem harsh, I am her mother, I have always been there for her and done every little thing for her. The reason she is the little person she is today is because of me. Not him. By giving him equal everything (not rights, he has equal rights because he is on BC, I mean responsibility) it just makes a mockery of everything I've done. Because he seemed to think he can do bugger all, waltz off and come up smelling of roses. We were never equal when we were together and I refuse to give that to him now.

 

[marley2580]

See I totally understand that if the FOB hasn't been there or made an effort etc that they shouldn't be equal in access etc. But, if they have been there or have made the effort they should (IMO) have equal access and a say in how the kids are brought up.

 

[bloodbinds]

Gem, i'm quite curious now... if your FOB totally ignores your LO for the next 6 months... then says, i want to see him 3 times a week and for him to stay over on weekends - you're going to say yes?

 

[Scamp]

I think it completely depends on the situation.
My mum wasn't very good when I was younger. She kept leaving us for different men and my dad bought me and my sister up. I ended up not speaking to my mum for years despite her living in the same town (Mum completely regrets everything now and she is fantastic)
There are situations when they are equal and situations when either the mum or dad are more there (can't think of a different way of putting it lol)

 

[gemabee]

Gem, i'm quite curious now... if your FOB totally ignores your LO for the next 6 months... then says, i want to see him 3 times a week and for him to stay over on weekends - you're going to say yes?

no not at first... like i said if they show equal love to the child then they should get equal parenting rights... my fob hasn't shown any interest so he'd have to prove himself as a father first.
if he did then in time he'd get equal parenting rights - nd i had actually been tryin to get him to be this involved because if this was possible it would be best for finn.

i did say in my first post it was extenuatin circumstances aside... some men could care less bout their children nd they obviously don't deserve equal rights nd i never suggested they did.

the reason i posted this in the first place is because my best friend had already broken up with the mother of his baby when she found out she was pregnant... but he helped her through her entire pregnancy... bought everything for the baby (even bought his ex a new sofa nd washing machine)... he has been there for both of them when the baby was born... their baby is nearly one now... my friend has a new gf nd his ex is now tryin to restrict contact nd basically bein horrible nd usin the child as a weapon... it all came to a head on facebook the other day (immature it bein on fb i know!) nd a lot of people were sayin 'well she's the mum she has the final say'.
its this attitude i'm challengin.

i know what its like to have a crap fob... but i wasn't on bout the crap ones... i was on bout the good ones (cos surely they must be some out there).

 

[suzanne108]

I think no matter what the situation someone HAS to have the final say on contact issues, its always going to be the primary carer because they know the LO better than anyone else. And I think thats the way it should be.

In the situation in your post Gemabee I agree with you that the mum is in the wrong and she should let FOB spend time with the LO.

I don't think contact should be 50/50 though in any situation where the LO is young because its too confusing for them.

 

[andbabymakes3]

Me and FOB were basically split up from not long after Holly was born, although we lived together until she was 8 months to try and minimise the upheaval to her and to avoid her having to be away from one or both at any point (I was breastfeeding so overnights weren't an option for him).

Now, we basically share Holly's custody. She is with him two days/nights per week, plus one whole weekend per month.

He is a great dad (has his faults, but then don't we all?!) and she loves him very much. I would never stand in the way of their relationship and I adore how close they are.

But, IMHO, the bond a mother and child have is totally different to that of a father and child. She lived in me, she grew in me, she fed from me and we have a bond that is like nothing else in the world. When she cries, or falls over, or is ill, she wants mummy. When she is sad, or hurting, I feel it too. Her joy is my joy, her pain is my pain.

 

[Blue_bumpkin]

Me and FOB were basically split up from not long after Holly was born, although we lived together until she was 8 months to try and minimise the upheaval to her and to avoid her having to be away from one or both at any point (I was breastfeeding so overnights weren't an option for him).

Now, we basically share Holly's custody. She is with him two days/nights per week, plus one whole weekend per month.

He is a great dad (has his faults, but then don't we all?!) and she loves him very much. I would never stand in the way of their relationship and I adore how close they are.

But, IMHO, the bond a mother and child have is totally different to that of a father and child. She lived in me, she grew in me, she fed from me and we have a bond that is like nothing else in the world. When she cries, or falls over, or is ill, she wants mummy. When she is sad, or hurting, I feel it too. Her joy is my joy, her pain is my pain.

Totally agree xx

 

[cherryglitter]

I too get a little bit peeved when I hear of Mother's taking their rights to the extreme. Some people get so wound up about 'sharing' their baby/child.

Sharing?! I see my OH as equal to me and he always will be. I would never use Jake against him or deprive Jake of seeing him because I wanted things on my terms. Without my OH, LO wouldn't even be here in the first place.

I do agree with andbabymakes3 about a mother and child having a different bond though. x