At my wits end with 3 year old

[Bevziibubble]

I am really struggling with my three year olds behaviour at the moment. She is constantly angry and will start hitting and throwing things. Sometimes it's because she can't have something, once it was because I told her she didn't have chicken pox and sometimes out of the blue she will just get angry for absolutely no reason. She has a very good understanding and could usually be reasoned with, but in the heat of the moment she will just keep repeatedly doing things she knows are not acceptable and won't stop.


I don't know what is causing this anger. She started nursery 3 mornings a week last month and she isn't settling in very well. She gets very upset when I leave her or when she realises it is a nursery day, but most of the time she has a good time once I've left.


I'm 8 weeks pregnant and feeling so tired and nauseous, plus in the process of coming off anti anxiety medication. Everything is happening at once and I feel like I am just firefighting through every day until bedtime and Im constantly saying no to her about her many demands.


I am trying to wean her off breastfeeding very gently and it's not going well. I've never even heard of a toddler as obsessed with boobs as she is, she wants them all day. I have managed to get her down to 7 feeds a day the last two days with a lot of tantrums and hitting and tears. She still bedshares and is terrified of going to sleep alone, she wakes various times in the night and will only be settled with a boob, then she wakes at 5.30am without fail. She has her own room and bed but has slept in there a total of 4 hours since she's had it! She's terrified of it. My husband has been getting up with her in the mornings this week as he's on 2-10 so I can have more sleep, and when I wake up I can just hear her screaming and tantruming downstairs and being told off for hitting. I just feel sick of the thought of having to go downstairs to her and get through another day of this behaviour. My husband says he feels like a gentle smack would help, but I have told him absolutely no. I don't see how how smacking her will teach her not to smack. Plus I was smacked a lot as a child and I feel like I only behaved to avoid a smack and it led to a lot of sneaky behaviour.


I was so confident in my parenting methods until we hit this awful stage and now I just feel like I've ended up with a spoilt and clingy child just like EVERYONE told me would happen because I responded to her every time she cried and settled her with a boob and now she doesn't like not getting her own way and being able to sit next to me on the boob all day. I've let her on the boob for the last 20 minutes and she's been good as gold but obviously I don't want her to just be on the boob all day like she would if I let her. How long can I get away with saying 'she'll do it when she's ready, they all get there in their own time'. I've been saying it for three years and Im just starting to sound deluded and in denial now.
She seems to constantly be the exception to the rule with everything.


She has been completely incapable of playing alone and will get angry if I need to go to the kitchen to make a meal. She is getting better at playing alone but still does this very reluctantly and for short periods.


Please tell me this is just a phase and I haven't caused her to be like this! I can cope if it's a phase but being stuck in the middle of it I am just panicking she's always going to be like this, that she will be on the boob when she's 7, she will never be able to self settle or play alone and she will be crying for me at school and just want everything her way her whole life.
Sorry for the long ramble, Im just worried I've totally messed her up by trying to parent so gently and considerately and Im wondering what the hell Im going to do when the baby arrives when I've got such a high needs toddler

 

[biglebowski]

Im 110% certain you haven't messed Holly up. You are a fab mum who meets your daughter's needs so well. Sounds like Holly is going through a few changes. Nursery is a big transition, and its an emotional time. When my lo went he was younger and it took him a while to settle into the routine, and he was more grumpy at home as he was tired from all the new experiences, and busy days.
Also if you are trying to reduce feeds that's a big change too. I think lo's are very attuned to their surroundings and Holly will be aware that there's change coming with your pregnancy.
Stay strong in your parenting, you are a fab mama. I think you are absolutely right that smacking a lo is wrong, and to do so when she hits just sends mixed messages.
My lo went through a hitting phase, I felt I was constantly saying no and it's draining. I can't imagine being pregnant and having broken nights too.
Work with your OH to establish a joint approach to negative behaviour, Holly's just testing boundaries like every toddler. Take a break when you can and charge your batteries. You're growing a little person and need to take care of you too!!
I haven't breastfed so hopefully someone else can offer some advice about that. But 3 years BF, go mama, what an amazing achievement. Good luck with weaning if that's what you want.
Big hugs, this is just a stage. Holly is a lovely lo who's just wrestling with a bit of change and she's showing her stress to those she trusts the most - you and Daddy.

 

[Bevziibubble]

Thank you so much hun

 

[AnneD]

I'm sorry it's tough at the moment! I'm sure you've not messed her up, from reading your journal I'd say Holly is a very sensitive and clever girl and very attuned to her surroundings. She knows you've got a lot going on - you're pregnant, you're coming off your medication, your husband works shifts, you miss Holly when she is at nursery and you worry about her. Then she's got a lot going on, too: nursery, new people, new routines alternating with days at home, the new baby who is somewhere in the future and it probably doesn't make sense to her, reducing breastfeeds (which are a great source of comfort to her, I'm sure), new sleeping arrangements. She may even be worried about you because she has sensed that things are getting to you a bit (and understandably so, being as you're pregnant and thefore exhausted, and coming off medication on top of that). I think you're doing a great job and I remember thinking only a few days ago how far Holly has come. I think it's all coming on Holly and you a little too quickly and she's trying to resist the changes. I agree with you that smacking is unlikely to help, really. There is so much she doesn't understand right now, but she knows about it intuitively, and it's confusing and possibly frightening her. I think she just needs you and your husband to be there for her and to reassure her, as you do, and she will realise it'll all be OK. And as for breastfeeding, you are an inspiration and I tip my hat to you. I hope I will manage to breastfeed as long as you have.
Hang in there and don't let it get to you.

 

[Bevziibubble]

Thanks hun
She really is going through a lot of changes at the moment. Everything seems to have happened all at once for her which i can understand must be making it a very difficult time for her

 

[mum140381]

i stopped breastfeeding by putting vinegar on my nipple and saying milk has gone nasty now but i had to do it every time she wanted it only took a day and my lo no longer wanted to even try to feed.
we dont smack or shout at our children we just let them be and dont say anything everyones ways are different but that works best for us i dont have the energy to argue it will pass hun x

 

[lola_90]

You are a fab mum Bev, please don't think otherwise

I've always trusted my natural instincts when it comes to parenting but have recently bought a few books that I love and agree with me and how I parent. I have noticed improvements at home as well and really feel connected with T.

Toddler Calm - Funny title!
Love Bombing - amazing I really love this!
And the gentle sleep book - we are still co-sleeping and will look to change once weve fnished building work but that wont be for another year or so.

I totally here you about Terry wanting to smack, my partner comes from Nigeria where it is practically a given that is how you discipline children. He used to get whipped at school at assembly for not doing well in tests I try to tell him to think about the negative impact that had on you and how that felt, and why would you want to do that to your child. Just because that was how you were brought up doesn't mean that you need to do that to. I admit there has been a few occassions where i have had to walk away from T as I have been so angry with him hitting me that I was so close to hitting him back.

Hang in there lovely xx

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Love-Bombi...8&qid=1433239798&sr=8-1&keywords=love+bombing

https://www.amazon.co.uk/ToddlerCal...sim_14_22?ie=UTF8&refRID=1ANSABY0FMWG8DQ2VXFP

https://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Gentle..._sim_14_1?ie=UTF8&refRID=0GW9ZMPSKMXGB5JC47HV

 

[lewood88]

Awww hub ur a good mommy dont ever feel like ur not, dd1 has her "drama queen " moments at times manily over her ipod atm ive limited how long shes on it because she wud be on it all day if i let her and at first she would go mental when i took it off her to give it a break but now shes ok

I know its not the same thing

But u got stay strong willed, take little milestones at a time hun

Nursery- try and explain to her that if she has a good week she will be rewarded a treat but if she has one day of crying no treat, this worked wonders for dd1 she cried for 2 weeks then when i started rewarding her good behaviour she really enjoyed going to nursery and now she cant wait to go.

Boob addiction - i dont have much on this as ive never been through it personally but a friend of mine struggled with her little boy getting him off the boob, one day she waa put food shopping in asda and he soon took a shine to this spiderman cup with a straw, she said to him " if mommy buys you this you must only use this cup as its a big boys cup a d big boys dont have booby milk " and it worked he loves his cup

Anything is worth a try hun

My dd1 was a good baby and toddler my dd2 on the other hand is somthing else i have my work cut out with her shes a flipping loonatic lol xx

 

[Bevziibubble]

Thank you everyone

I have ended up giving Holly more breastfeeds in the last two days as Im just too exhausted and unwell to protest. This pregnancy is kicking my butt! But on the plus side she seems to be happier and more well behaved. I guess she gets a lot of comfort out of breastfeeding and maybe that helps her with all the changes in her life at the moment. I'm still trying to wean but more gently than I was. I just don't want the constant and obsessive feeding!


I actually have the toddler calm book out from the library at the moment so I will read that soon!

 

[lola_90]

There are some great Love Bomb articles on the internet with a quick google that gives you more of an understanding. I really think it will help Holly

She is obviously going through a lot of changes, maybe tackle things one at a time. Wait till she's more settled in Nursery, then keep working on the night time and then the breast feeds. I think all at once is too much for a little person xx