Baby is a slow weight gainer - husband says I am a failure..

[DebbieF]

She is 10 months old and just over 15 pounds. This has been a constant struggle since she was a month old. Husband just informed me that I am a failure and that with our upcoming baby we will give formula. I am sitting here crying my eyes out. It hurts me so much that he said that..

 

[Literati_Love]

I am sorry he said that. What a hurtful, disrespectful, unkind and unnecessary comment. You are doing great.

 

[annio84]

It sounds more like his issue than yours sweetie. You're doing amazing still BF at 10 months.

Is there an issue with her weight gain or is she just a little dot?

I would make it clear to him how much saying that hurt you and that it's not acceptable.

 

[misspriss]

Your husband is an ass.

My DS is 18 months and was only 19.6lbs at his 18 month checkup. He was 14.5 at 12 months (IIRC). His doctor has always been happy with his growth.

Has your little girl been diagnosed with a weight problem or had issues in the past? Or does your OH just have some preconceived idea about how much your daughter should weigh?

 

[BrandiCanucks]

Has she been checked for tongue and/or lip tie? Ties can result in difficulty breastfeeding, or result in babies being slow gainers. Did she feed very often? Did you ever have cracked or bleeding nipples, thrush, gas, colic, etc. If you're able to get them, can you post a shut of the frenum (skin under the upper lip) and the frenulum (under the tongue)? If those are the issues, finding a provider in your area who clips them can alleviate the symptoms, and increase supply and help her start putting on weight. Also, knowing what to look for can result in earlier clipping for your next child if he has them too, and can help avoid formula.

I just found out that my 7 year old has them, which resulted in her inability to latch, and her slow weight gain, after my 3 month old was diagnosed with them and had them clipped.

 

[sheldonsmommy]

That's a really mean thing to say. My son was born big but stayed small. Some babies just don't get chunky

Pregnancy can decrease milk production, but I'm sure you already know that but it's something to keep in mind.

Maybe your husband feels left out because he can't help with feedings? I don't know, or maybe he's just insensitive but you should let him know it hurt you. Sometimes they just don't think.

 

[purplecupcake]

Men can produce milk as well, maybe he'd like to try?

 

[Nikki1120]

What a horrible thing to say! You're doing amazing! My daughter was a slow gainer and still is very petite and tall aged 3, my son however is nearly as big as her and he's only 9 months! Both fed from the same boobs, nothing different, some babies are like that! As long as theres no problem and she's happy and healthy then screw what he says, the prat. Xx

 

[Larkspur]

What a truly awful thing for him to say. I can understand that he must feel anxious about your daughter's weight gain (or lack thereof) and helpless to do anything himself, but there's absolutely no need for that kind of comment.

Can I ask a couple of questions? You say it's been a struggle to get her to gain weight - what approaches have you tried? Has your doctor or HV expressed strong concern about her weight? Does her percentile for weight match or go somewhat close to her percentile for length? Is she eating solids well? As other posters have asked, has she been checked for tongue tie etc?

If her weight gain is so slow as to be unhealthy, then of course you may need to look at supplementing with formula to help her. But if you do, that in no way makes you a failure! You've done very well to breastfeed for 10 months, and will have given your daughter many health advantages in that time. Either way, your husband owes you an apology.

 

[sbl]

Well your husband sounds like a nice man!!
Your not a failure. Your little girl is maybe just built to be petite as some females are.
Your husband is meant to support you and reassure you not make you feel like crap. Tell him exactly how he's made you feel. Maybe then he will choose his words more carefully.

 

[minties]

I would enjoy telling him that he has failed as a supportive husband. What a soul crushing thing to say. I can only imagine how upset you must feel

 

[DebbieF]

Hi ladies, he has since apologized for his nasty comment. He says he didn't mean it. I know I have said things in anger that I haven't meant.. Now that she is a bit older I want to try the BLW approach to getting her to eat more solids. She HATES being fed with a spoon. I of course plan to continue BF'ing her until she is at least a year old. (Hopefully my milk won't dry up because of this pregnancy) She is meeting all of her milestones and is a very happy baby. i guess I just need to accept the fact that she is going to be tall and skinny. (She was in the 6th percentile for weight and 85th percentile for height at her 9 month appointment) Her doctor has given us a calorie supplement to add to her food, and we also started to add a little bit of olive oil to her food for the extra calories. The doctor never seems overly concerned, I just tend to be an over-worrier. I DO plan to BF the next baby as well, if he/she is skinny as well I will just have to accept the fact that we make skinny babies.

 

[misspriss]

I do think you need to relax then, the 6th percentile is great (we hang out between <0 and 1.5!, we were only off the charts at one appointment). She is meeting her milestones, and her doctor is not worried.

Butter works great, I butter everything for DS, especially when he was under 1 year. It also tastes good on veggies and in stuff like potatoes and pasta dishes.

Pregnancy can make existing worries seem HUGE, I have anxiety to start out with and since I can't take any good meds while pregnant, it seems to run away with me some times. I'm just a super worrier.

Let me tell you, my 18 month old son is wearing 3-6 month pants! (we potty trained, undies are slim!) He is one skinny dude!

 

[BrandiCanucks]

Not to be a downer, but more to give a heads up...if she chokes/gags while BLW, please consider looking in to a possible tongue or lip tie. It can affect eating with solids and can affect speech as well. My 7 year old weighs only 32lbs and I thought that was just her, that I just make skinny babies, but my other kids are right on the percentiles, right in the middle, and after her 3 month old brother was diagnosed with a tongue tie, I looked into it with my 7 year old and sure enough, she has both, which explains why she gets tired eating, why she gags and chokes, has a speech impediment and delays, etc. It's going to cost $575 to release it, because we have to put her to sleep for it. It's easier to release the younger they are...just giving you a heads up in case things continue, so that you have that knowledge there and can have it looked it.

Also, most doctors can't diagnose TT and LT because they're not trained. An ENT or pediatric dentist are best at diagnosing and treating.

Glad your hubby apologized!

 

[noon_child]

I do think you need to relax then, the 6th percentile is great (we hang out between <0 and 1.5!, we were only off the charts at one appointment). She is meeting her milestones, and her doctor is not worried.

Butter works great, I butter everything for DS, especially when he was under 1 year. It also tastes good on veggies and in stuff like potatoes and pasta dishes.

Pregnancy can make existing worries seem HUGE, I have anxiety to start out with and since I can't take any good meds while pregnant, it seems to run away with me some times. I'm just a super worrier.

Let me tell you, my 18 month old son is wearing 3-6 month pants! (we potty trained, undies are slim!) He is one skinny dude!

Hee hee, sounds familiar. We were off the bottom of the chart too for a while, and when we potty trained at 2.5 years I had to go pull all the 9month leggings and trousers out of storage (we were cloth diapering and the reduction in size was huge!!).

OP - I'm glad your husband has apologised. He probably didn't communicate a lot of his fears and sense of helplessness while it was happening and now it has all tumbled out in a nasty out-of-order comment. When I struggled to bf my daughter (managed to get to 27months in the end) my husband was very supportive BUT I did make sure he was as happy to keep persevering with bf as I was. I was scared he thought I was starving her in order to prove something. You have to communicate your fears to each other and decide as a team what is best for the children you share.

Maybe you should read up on breastfeeding theories and techniques together and make a plan of how he can help and support you next time.