Back and forth relationship ..

[BadassMom]

Hi ladies,

I just wanted to post a little introduction/rant. I’ve been reading this forum for awhile now but haven’t really posted much. Currently I’m 18 weeks along (wasn’t planned) and have been with my FOB nearly the whole time. Even though we were in a relationship when I found out I was pregnant we had only been together a few months. He’s stuck by me but we fight, sometimes horribly, everyday and break up with each other at least once a week (if only for that day). He was so nice, kind, and understanding when we were first together. Now the way he talks to me sometimes is so disrespectful and mean I can’t believe he’s the same person. I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting farther along with the pregnancy so it’s becoming more real to him, or if that’s just his true nature coming out with time.
As of today we’re together but I still feel like a single mom because:

1. He’s only had one job the entire time I’ve known him which only lasted for two or three weeks. I pay for EVERYTHING (he moved in with me early on so I’m totally supporting him). He’s been saying he’s looking for a job the entire time but I don’t really believe that for a second (sure….. you’ve been out looking for a job all day but when I get home from WORK your at your buddies smoking pot). I work full time, and I know I can support our child by myself, but I think it’s really unfair that I should have to support him also.

2. He’s not really involved in the pregnancy. He doesn’t read the books or take charge of anything (like getting the baby’s room together). If I don’t do it or decide on something, it won’t get done. Also, he says I’m using the pregnancy as a excuse. Like when I say “please don’t stress me out, it’s not healthy for the baby” He thinks I’m just making that up, and launches into all the reasons why HE’S stressed out. Who the hell knew being unemployed and lazy all day was so fucking stressful???

My brain is shouting at me to leave him, and do this by myself which is basically what I would be doing with him around anyway….. But my stupid heart is clinging onto him because I do love him like crazy. I’m also scared of having to raise a child on my own, and how judgmental my family would be if I told them we broke up. Anyway, thanks to anyone who read all this and if someone has any advice or suggestions I’d be more than glad to hear them.

 

[LTEx]

hope you dont think im being rude but why would you even consider staying with someone who smokes pot on a regular basis when you're going to be having a child? Also the breaking up once a week, arguing quite bad & lack of respect on his behalf doesnt sound like a good ideaa to base a relationship on especially when there's going to be a child involved.

I would sit him down, tell him he needs to stop smoking pot, stop disrespecting you, & both try to make it work if thats what you want. If you're breaking up every week its not going to be good for the child & it will soon pick up on the fiery arguments xx

 

[dustbunny]

It is a tough one when your head says one thing and your heart another. My only piece of advice with regards to that aspect is and purely speaking from personal experience... the minute my head started talking the negative I knew it was coming to an end. That goes for any relationship I have ever been in. I find then you start to make excuses for their behaviour to everyone that matters to you because you don't want to let them see the cracks.
I don't mean this is a horrible way but it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. If he is not that interested now and sees you as a meal ticket [due to you working] then he probably wont change. People don't change unless they want to and no hoping, praying or doing anything else will make them. He sounds like a lazy bum and I'd be kicking it out the door.
As for the worries of raising a child alone... although daunting will be a real character builder. You'll become stronger than you are now and staying with someone out of habit is not good for you or the baby. Family normally stick together, your parents might hate you to the ends of the Earth and back but they will forgive you and get over it. And if friends judge you then a. they didn't know you well in the first place and b. aren't worth knowing in return.

Pregnancy is one of those situations where peoples true character shows.

 

[Dream.dream]

thats hard. sometimes though you need to use your head and do whats best for you and your baby and if hes not helping you get prepared for your child and supporting you i dont think thats him. Also about being a single parent sometime it is easier to just be a single parent then to have to raise a child and deal with a stressful relationship as well. With my sons dad i looked at like : if he isnt the kind of person i would want my son to grow up to be then i dont need to be with him. I would give him an chance to change, tell him what you need from him and how much time he has to show you hes doing it and if theres no change stick to your guns and kick him to the curb. There is to many nice decent guys out there for anyone to stay with someone who doesnt treat them right.

 

[Dezireey]

I see this as getting even worse for you when the baby is born and when you are bringing up that baby. Will you be on maternity leave with less money? If so, you will be spending more time together, with less cash, which equals more arguments. You will be ultra sensitive, needing support and having sleepless nights and from what you have lready said, I forsee this chap doing bugger all to help you. This will make you well stressed and unhappy (which you are feeling now anyway) but when babba is born it will be 10 times worse for you as you will be even more angry about the way he will (probably) let you do all the work whilst he just goes off and smokes pot.

It's a cliche but it really is better to bring up a child on your own in a happy, stress free environment than one that is dogged by parental arguments and a bad atmosphere.

 

[ellebelle]

Speaking from experience: it won't get better.
He doesn't sound like a positive and supportive person. My suggestion is that you leave him.
Easier said than done, I know. If he's not stepping up to the plate now, he won't when the baby arrives because it's even more stressful with real responsibility.

 

[ellebelle]

Speaking from experience: it won't get better.
He doesn't sound like a positive and supportive person. My suggestion is that you leave him.
Easier said than done, I know. If he's not stepping up to the plate now, he won't when the baby arrives because it's even more stressful with real responsibility.

 

[BadassMom]

Thank you all so much for your replys and advice. I broke up with FOB yesterday night actually. It was supposed to be the best day of my life, I found out I'm having a boy, then we get home and he started screaming and yelling about this long list of things that I do wrong. He got me so upset and worked up I was crying hysterically and ended up having an actual panic attack (which I've never had one before). Luckily my best friend was there and she helped me through it, but afterward I made him leave. As he was leaving he said he would call me on the babys due date. We'll see I guess. I feel horrible, but I know in the long run I (and the baby) will be so much happier.

 

[dustbunny]

Thank you all so much for your replys and advice. I broke up with FOB yesterday night actually. It was supposed to be the best day of my life, I found out I'm having a boy, then we get home and he started screaming and yelling about this long list of things that I do wrong. He got me so upset and worked up I was crying hysterically and ended up having an actual panic attack (which I've never had one before). Luckily my best friend was there and she helped me through it, but afterward I made him leave. As he was leaving he said he would call me on the babys due date. We'll see I guess. I feel horrible, but I know in the long run I (and the baby) will be so much happier.

Be strong and stay strong

 

[BadassMom]

FOB showed up at my house last night saying he was sorry and blah blah blah. When I made it clear that I wasn't buying any of his bullshit he refused to leave when I asked him. I was forced to call the cops. The most shocking thing was the cops said they couldn't legally force him to leave my house!!!! They said it was his legal residence (even though his name wasn't on the lease, he has no belongings here, and he doesn't even have a key!) And I would have to go to court and legally evict him! Thank God he finally agreed to leave after the cops convinced him, but I just can't believe that's the law here!!