Bad things come in 3s: ttc, mfi and siblings getting pregnant

[Missy_ttc]

Hi everyone,

Up until now I've done the read forums but never posted. Mainly because I find it hard to type without turning into a blubby mess but also because I worry my husband will read my posts. You see we have been ttc for 2 years and in that time three of our siblings have become pregnant and welcomed their lovely babies. I am genuinely so happy for them in that I would never wish fertility troubles on even my worst enemy but at the same time I struggle to be around them. Seeing them just reminds me what we'll never maybe have. Everyone keeps asking when we'll be next and you can see their disappointment when I order anything other than water to drink. Two friends and all but 1 of my female colleagues are either pregnant or on maternity leave and they all ask too when we will try.

In a nutshell my husband has azoospermia aka no sperm. This hit us pretty hard. Up until then I assumed it would be a hormone issue with me but nope I'm 100% ok and have a great egg reserve. He took the news very badly and has since struggled in the past 6-8 months. He's moody, unresponsive to sex and doesn't want to talk about it. He doesn't want anyone else to know which is his decision but is making things very hard for me. I understand what devastating news this is to him and he really is feeling the I'm not a man effect. The only thing he has said on the topic is he doesn't understand his role in our life anymore. This isn't helped by me earning substantially more than him. I've tried to comfort him and show him all the reasons why I love him and want him in my life but he is slipping away. I've tried suggesting he seeks support either through counselling or forums to no avail. We are waiting on our referral for sperm retrieval which I'm sure many of you will appreciate takes what seems like forever via NHS route. Unfortunately at the moment we just cannot afford private. Meanwhile while we wait I'm living with someone who won't talk about it, won't have sex with me and won't let me talk to anyone else about it hence my need to finally open up anonymously on this forum. I have so many thoughts and questions going on in my head leading to outbursts of tears when I'm on my own so not to upset him.

Firstly has anyone else experienced a similar reaction from their partner and did anything help them?

How long did it take between your final results and TESE op?

How did you cope with the reality that potentially you may not have children? This really scares me as given his reaction to his results I cannot see him ever coming around to donor sperm. I don't even fully know myself if I want to go down the donor route. I'm in my mid 30s which I know is not that old but I'm very aware my clock is ticking. I know nothing is guaranteed but it saddens me that we'll never go through the natural pregnancy route and will both have to have invasive procedures which might not even work. Can I live with never being pregnant and having children? Will I resent him if not? I know thinking these things is truly awful as I love him very much but it's so much to take in this past year all while pretending to everyone else nothing is wrong.

Those who have been through the the TESE procedure did you need much time off work and was it obvious to others what you were going through? I'm wondering if I will need to tell my work or whether annual leave will be enough. I'm thinking mainly of the effect of the hormones. Ladies were you able to continue as normal or was it obvious to others?

I realise I have let the frustration of the past 2 years flood out in one post and for that I apologise and thank you for reading this far! I really hope to find some comfort here so I can continue trying to be strong for my husband. I miss him and want so badly for him to be happy again. I had no idea the emotional hell fertility troubles bestow upon those suffering from them until now.

 

[Missy_ttc]

Hmm on reading back should probably clarify title in that I don't mean our siblings getting pregnant is a bad thing. I meant me struggling with it is the bad thing. I should really be able to separate our troubles from their wonderful time but at the moment I can't. I just want to be a mum too and feel so out of their group.

 

[CaliDreaming]

You are dealing with so much--both you and hubby. It is totally normal to feel the way you do about your siblings' pregnancies. I felt the same way about my brother and SIL's pregnancies when I was struggling to conceive and I hated myself for it.

You really do need to talk to someone because this is too much for you to deal with by yourself, even if you have to keep it a secret from hubby for the time being. A therapist that specializes in infertility would be ideal. I sought out therapy when I was struggling with infertility and it was one of the best things I've ever done for myself.

Also, although it's understandable why hubby is taking this so hard, at some point he is going to have to move past his hurt and face the diagnosis. It's not fair to you that he's withholding his support and affection. A good therapist can help you reach out to him. I imagine he is terrified of losing you over this.

 

[Mrs. Atole]

my prayers are with you! Miracles can happen in Jesus name.

 

[PreggyMama]

I understand how you feel. Men feel this way most times. I believe this is just a phase and everything would be fine soon.

All things are possible as long as you keep believing. Keep being positive, delay is not denial.

Keep making him feel comfortable around you by being happy. If he see you crying or sad he might feel he is the cause of you not being happy.

I am sure he wants you to be happy and you also want the same for him.

All things are working together for your Good.

 

[Lunabelle]

I can definitely relate to you on this subject on so many levels.

I always thought I was the problem because I have such irregular cycles and doctors had told me I could face difficulties getting pregnant. That's why when we had his results come back it was a total shock to both of us. His test results were poor; count 3mil, morphology 0% and motility 30%. Once he will have the surgery done, you may actually find he has healthy sperm but there's just a blockage or smth. I told my fiancé that it's not just him, that Ihad irregular cycles too and we were in this together. I think that helped him a bit, not feeling like it was all his fault why we were not having a baby. When we were at the ivf doctor she was saying happily about how I have a really good ovarian reserve and how good that is for ivf, he just smiled. At that point we were already moving forward so I think it didn't matter so much anymore. Things will get better once you get started with your treatment.

My DF said he would never consider donor sperm either, I'v heard of other men coming round after a while though. The worry of never having biological children was very much constantly present. My sister got pregnant on her honeymoon and although I was happy for her, it was difficult to separate our struggles from her story. But everyone has their own struggles so I try not to compare anymore.

In the beginning when we were waiting for IVF he didn't want me to talk about it to anyone. It was a really hard and lonely time, because I too needed to adjust and get it off my chest. Women do that by talking to their friends whereas men don't understand this need. Eventually he was ok with me telling my best friend who doesn't live in the country and he doesn't really have much contact with. Once IVF started, there was a huge turning point. He told EVERYONE at his work, because he needed to explain why he would suddenly need to take time off on a short notice. I was a little frustrated because now I could speak about it freely, but I didn't have the same need as in the beginning. And they all think that the problem is with me, which I've mainly been OK with. Most of the people have been understanding and polite about it, though I'm sure we've been a hot gossip subject. There was just one occasion when I got frustrated when I was visiting his colleague's wife and she was being nosy about why we were doing ivf. She clearly thought it was smth with me and when I just changed the subject she probably thought the worst. For example she was telling me about this woman who had moved away and now wasn't replying her texts. Her conclusion was that they had probably got divorced and now she was saying that to me as if it had really happened so it just made me think oh gosh what is she gna be spreading about me... but I think you just need to forget about ppl like that and concentrate on the positives, especially when you're going through a hard time.

I think the onky way you can make the wait go faster is by thinking about it as a break from TTC, try to find other things that make you happy and forget about all of this. Time will go past, and eventually you too will be moving forward and hopefully having a little baby in your arms. By then all of this will just be a memory. Good luck xxx

 

[Lunabelle]

Oh and about time off from work... you definitely will need to take some time off from work. The amount will really depend on how many eggs you have, at least from my experience. The first round I had 16eggs, 11 on one side and 5 on the other. I was in so much pain. It took me twice as long to walk and I was trying to just sit down all the time for about a week before retrieval. I wasn't much use at work, because I just in so much pain if I moved. After the retrieval I was in pain for 4days and couldn't really move, had stabbing pains if I did. I had to call in sick because I wanted my body to recover a maximum for the transfer.

The second time was very different, I had ten eggs growing but only 5 retrieved. I was fine all the way up to retrieval and only took 1 day off for retrieval. I had the following day off anyways and was back to normal after that. The transfer was on sunday so I didn't need to take time off for that. So weather you have a 3 or 5 day transfer, one of them will be during the week so you are most likely to need to take at least a few days off.

You don't get much notice for when you will need to go in, so if you are able to tell at work it is the most stress free option. You could also just say that you need to go for an operation and need to take a couple off days off after it. They might want more of an explanation if you go through several rounds and keep having operations... After the transfer you could even go to work, but it does take most of the morning/ day by the time they release you. The first time I was released at 1/2pm and second time i was out before 12.