Beat the odds... stay together.

[jandksmommy]

The preemie parent experience is traumatic and an emotional upheaval. Life revolves around our precious little ones fighting for survival, and later, getting healthy and meeting milestones. Marriages can start to falter from lack of attention amid the multitude of doctor appointments, sleepless nights, and stress.

I noticed this too late in my own marriage and although I tried to reverse the damage, it was too late. My husband wanted more of me then I could give (having twin toddlers and a preemie) and I wanted more support from him the he could give so the resentment grew for us both... and now just under 2 years since the birth of our precious miracle, our marriage is over.

Please spend a bit of time focusing on each other. It's really hard to do this in the beginning as fear keeps us glued to the NICU, but try. Go for a walk and HOLD HANDS, cry together instead of alone, you have to eat anyway so go out for a meal together instead of eating in the hospital cafeteria. Later, when baby is home and healthy, make sure and keep working on your marriage. DATE each other... even if it's just watching a movie in your home while snuggling on the couch.

The statistics for divorce after a preemie or ill baby are very high. Beat the odds... stay together... stay in love.

 

[misspriss]

I'm sorry to hear about your marriage.

I do agree though, it was a very trying time for us and LO was only in the NICU a short while. The stress of the whole even actually put DH in the hospital two days after I got out, he check himself in the emergency while we were visiting LO.

Probably the first year our marriage really suffered. I am thankful that we have started to see more of each other lately, but our marriage is so much different than it was before. There is no way for me to know how much was baby, and how much of it was preemie, if that makes sense.

Thank you for the reminder, and again I'm so sorry to hear how things ended up for your marriage.

 

[sethsmummy]

so sorry to hear that hun xxx

 

[sunnylove]

So sorry to hear that, OP. Thankfully for us, our experience just brought us closer together and proved we can make it through anything. I hope others have similar experiences!!

 

[RcdM]

So sorry to hear. Hang in there.

 

[25weeker]

sorry to hear that. Xx

 

[jandksmommy]

Thanks everyone for the support. I just wanted to share my/our mistakes so that maybe it will prevent someone who is currently going through having a baby in the NICU from making the same ones. It is so easy to get lost in the rollercoaster of having a preemie, in our case a micro preemie. Four months of trips back and forth to the NICU, 250 km away, while one stays home with the other children. You don't see your partner's struggle and he is not there for yours and you start to drift apart. Maybe my husband and I will find our way back to each other yet. There is always hope and if not, we learn to be a family in a new way.

 

[AP]

Sending you loads of hugs. It is very, very difficult. One should not for a start begin to think experiences bring people closer

 

[kirstybumx3]

Wow. I'm so sorry to hear that. I have also split with Rio's dad and feel it is partially down to us neglecting each other whilst Rio was poorly and then never really picking back up the pieces. Didn't see it coming. X

 

[Foxybabyhg3]

So sorry to hear that hun

My marriage feels like it's getting to that stage too. Since all this happened, we have drifted apart emotionally & physically. There has been no intimacy at all. I've tried bringing it up with DH but he seems quite happy to fumble along like we've been doing for the last 12 months. We did have another chat today and we're really going to try and bring it back on track, but I honestly don't hold out much hope

NICU is a hard journey for all involved and I hope we can get through it as we have got this beautiful wee miracle in our lives.

Wishing you much happiness for your future

 

[runner311]

I am glad I came across this post since its seems like it relates to my relationship at the current time.

My husband approached me yesterday telling me how much he misses just spending time with me, watching tv together on the couch without interruptions and being able to go out to see a movie, etc. together. He is having a hard time adjusting to our precious angel being home, its like he expected life to be exactly the same as it was before she was born. He didnt expect the constant attention she would get, all the diaper changes, feedings, lack of sleep, etc.

I told him that we need to have a date night at least once a month and get a babysitter so that we can go out for a nice meal and enjoy eachother again. I love my daughter to death but things are definitely different and they have been difficult to deal with since she was born 8 weeks early.

thank you for your post, it helps to remind me to keep pushing through this hard time and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Good luck to everyone...

 

[DonnaBallona]

JandKmommy, I am truly sorry to hear your news. sending you huge hugs across the pond. prematurity and sick children hit couples at their lowest point, and I know my husband and I struggled emotionally whilst tensions were running so high.

Having a sick child continuously after leaving the NICU is also difficult to handle, as the opportunities to get time together are less and less. keeping the spark and focusing on yourselves seems like the last thing you want to do when your child is struggling for survival.

I hope in time things get better for you. please do PM me if you need some support, our littlies seem to have much in common.

xx

 

[jandksmommy]

Been away from the forum for a bit. Life has been a little on the crazy side. Getting our little acreage ready to sell as I can't be all alone out here with 3 little ones under 3 years old . Especially in our lovely Alberta winters!

It is looking like the time apart will be permanent. My husband has decided he doesn't want to work on the marriage and is planning to put distance between him and us. I am sad but my sadness is for the future we could have had not for the loss of what we did have. Oddly enough, I had not realized the amount of worrying I was doing over our marriage and now that the shock has worn off, life is actually getting easier and less stressful... even with having no help caring for my 3 little hobbits.

The door is still open for him should he decide we are worth the effort but if not... My babies and I will be fine... I can do this!

 

[RcdM]

That's a great outlook and while it's not the best situation and still hurts, I know what you mean about not having to worry anymore. Hang in there!

 

[sethsmummy]

aww hun i am glad you are feeling better about the situation. However is he not coming round to at least help with the little ones or taking them out for a couple hours to give you a rest? xx

 

[Dinah93]

Hey love, just wondered how you're doing x

 

[Kiwiberry]

So sorry about your marriage hun